Have you ever been happy? So happy that anything in this world had meaning for you. Everything you touch, everything you feel, everything you see, even everything you hear. I hope you did, I really do, because not so long ago, I did as well.
St. George’s day (6th May 2010)
Everyone in my house was indescribably happy, I mean, of course they were, it was St. George’s day, my family’s patron saint! I don’t really know if you know what that is, so I’ll try to explain as best as I can. It’s the Serbian Orthodox tradition of the veneration and observance of the family’s patron saint. Sounds complicated, right? You see, every Serbian family has their own patron saint that they celebrate on the feast day. St. George happens to be my family’s patron which is celebrated on May 6th. Every family is beholden to celebrate their saint day as best as they can, which includes enough provision for everyone. It’s important to have enough food and drinks because family’s closest friends and rest of the family are usually coming on that day, so you don’t want to be without supplies, obviously! Everyone used to be so happy and glad on days like this. We were all dancing and singing and simply having tremendous fun! Sounds exciting and fun, right? Well, at least it did for me.
I always used to sit somewhere far away and observe everything. Seeing all of them so happy, so filled with joy made me feel as the happiest person in the world. You know, my dad was working in another country which was far away from the place we’ve been living in. He used to come only on days like this, celebration days, he was not there during whole year so days like these were the most special for me, especially St. George’s day.
Unfortunately, days were not lasting forever. Night came insanely fast, dark clouds and blackened sky covered my little world in a second. It is time, I knew, I always did. After best day in the world comes worst night, my dad must leave again. I got used to it, but you can’t really make 10 years old boy easily used to something, it never really works. I looked up to my dad and said to him ‘’Until the next time then’’, ‘’Until the next time champ’’ he said. Then I jumped into his arms and hugged him so hard that I still can feel my little hands around his neck. I’ll never forget it, I never did.
It’s been around 6 months since my father went to Montenegro because of his work. I’ve noticed that my mom is a little bit worried and that the things simply are not functioning as they should. There has not been a word from my father since the day he left. I knew that something bad is about to happen, I just did. My mom tried to call my father for enormous amount of times, but she didn’t get any call back, not at all. I just didn’t want the worst to happen, I just didn’t want to, but I couldn’t fight the destiny, no one did.
I remember that it was snowing on that day when my mom called my father once again. I’ll never forget that snow, never. An unknown woman answered and said that we should never call again and that he doesn’t want to talk with us. My heart stopped, my soul scattered to the wind. I could literally hear my heart bumping over and over. I lost sight for a second. Everything around me was foggy and all I could hear was my heart bumping and unstoppable repeating of words ‘’He doesn’t want to talk with you’’. If I could count, I bet It would’ve been more than 1000 repeats.
Picture of my dad saying ‘’Until the next time champ’’ blinked in front of my eyes and got stuck in my brain. It’s still clear as anything can be. I just wanted everything to be a dream, I didn’t want to be there, didn’t want it to be true. But it was. It was right there in front of me, burning all the memories and all the happy moments I had in my life, burning them to the ground, obliterating them, crushing them and cutting them into tiny pieces. I could see it all with my own eyes, it all happened right in front me. I could literally see every moment of my life deleting its self.
Then I woke up and my mom and my sisters were there, exactly as they were when I disappeared from the world. It seemed as I haven’t been there for long. It seemed as I actually stopped the time, stopped the world for a second, or it was all in my head. That I can’t tell you, but I can tell you that it happened. It surely did.
After that day darkness and hatred consumed me and I sought for revenge.I wanted to make my father pay for everything he did. Wanted to make him suffer for every tear that slipped through my mother’s eye. I wanted him dead. But then a big change in my life happened, a really big one. My mother met another man who apparently wanted to take us to Sweden and change our lives for good. There it was, another hope for me. I looked up to that man and I’ve seen another father in him. I found someone who could fill that dark abyss I had. The time was passing, and I was spending a lot of time with that man. I almost started to love him, I really did. With everything he did for me and my family, he aroused happiness in me, again. I thought that no one could ever do that, absolutely no one.
Eventually we moved to Sweden and our new life began. New beautiful life, who would say. Everything seemed literally perfect and beautiful until he came drunk one night and started to talk nonsense about my mom and about her family. I was 15 years old and I thought he’s a little drunk and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, I believed that. But everything I ever believed in turned out to be nothing but a simple lie.
One year later we moved into new apartment because the one we were living in was too small. One night, my step-dad came really, really drunk. The thing is that I got used to it because my step-dad drank like a sponge and I got used to his trash talk about my mom and everything. I thought it’s going to be same night as any other, nothing new, nothing to be afraid of. But it wasn’t like that. By some unknown luck I happened to walk through the hallway when I’ve seen my step-dad holding a chair above my mother and trying to slam her with it. At that moment my world stopped again. Once again everything around me got foggy and all I could do is hear my heart bumping.
I remembered every moment my mom has suffered in her life, every moment she cried because of none other but my father and my step-dad. I remembered how I wanted to kill my father because of the pain he brought to my mother. Hatred, despair, pain, suffering, anguish, misery, agony all connected to each other awakened overwhelming fury in me. Then I woke up again. I woke up and I saw my step-dad holding that chair in front of my mom. I’ve seen him and my mom looking at me like they’ve seen a devil himself. They were both trembling as I was approaching them. My step-dad tried to put down the chair but I was full of anger and with all that anger I took the chair, crushed it on him and then I took him with both my hands and started to strangle him. His face turned blue, I could literally see blood going through his veins. I was killing him, but then I heard my mom muttering my name through the same weep I’ve been hearing since my father left me. That weep made me put my step-dad down and let him live. He never raised a voice upon her since then, never.
I was sitting all alone on a hill outside my apartment.There was nothing I loved more than sitting there alone and reminiscing. I was thinking about everything. Everything that ever happened to me. One part of me was saying to forgive them all and second one was saying kill them all. I always hated these battles between my two sides. I listened to them fighting and fighting and arguing over my life and then I heard a voice. Deep soft voice like a voice of an angel. I don’t know what it was or who it was and I don’t really care but I know that the voice started to talk and I started to talk simultaneously. We’ve said together ‘’Forgive them all’’. My world disappeared again. Once again for the third time everything around me got foggy and the only thing I could hear was my heart bumping. This time my memories didn’t get deleted or something else. They were forgiven. They were given to peace, given to resting.
Now everything is gone. hatred, despair, pain, suffering, anguish, misery, agony, they’re all gone. I feel like I can’t hate anymore, I really do. I don’t feel lonely at all, I just don’t want people around me, I don’t feel like I need someone to talk to, I just know that I have myself, I don’t feel like I need someone to depend on, I know that I have myself.
There is a place I like to visit every day and a place that likes to visit me, it’s called ‘’My little solitude’’.