Emotions are language of the soul. Sometimes our intellect will confuse but our emotions will never lie to us. I always had a desire to make friends and enjoy myself hanging out with them.
As a college girl, I always had a dream of making a friends’ circle. As a hostler in college, I thought it’s an easy task to make a bunch of good friends. I completed my intermediate from a very typical college, where we are only taught to study for whole day without even knowing about world outside.
As usual after completion of my intermediate I joined a college in the month of June. When I entered in the college with my parents, we saw many pairs sitting together and chit chatting. My parents were not quite impressed because, we rarely saw any group of friends other than pairs on the first day of my college.
I got admitted in the college, I experienced a feeling of extreme freedom and joy when I stepped in the college, first day of my college was very exciting! With an eager to roam entire college, I was feeling very enthusiastic energetic and happy. All students provided with a three share room at the college hostel and I shifted my entire luggage in the room. When my roommates arrived I introduced myself and I came to know that my roommates are science students. That was quite a disappointing thing for me, as I expected b-tech students as my roommates.
At college all of us clubbed together, the batches were not yet divided. So I didn’t make any new friends, till then my roommate used to talk to me since she used to stay just beside my bed. We couldn’t be close friends because science students had different college timings, due to which we were not able to hangout together.
At hostel, I observed many girls were really busy as they were totally engaged with their cell phones. They were too busy talking to their boyfriends I guess. They were so busy that, they didn’t even had any time to look around them. That was really very disappointing for me. Some were too much involved in some social networking website that, they were smiling among themselves and continuously staring at their cellphones.
After few days, our batches got divided and we all placed in different sections, so I met new people in my class. Since it usually takes a little more of time to make new friends and I was certainly waiting for that time to form a friends’ circle. Soon after when the classes begun, for about three or four days later, there was a strike that started in our area due to some political issue. Our college got closed and we all remained at hostels. Many of them went to their home when the college remained closed.
I stayed at hostel, hopping that college would reopen soon. But half of the hostel was empty and even my roommates left. As I was alone in the room I got frustrated and I had no friends at that time .Those who stayed at the hostel, they remained busy with their cellphones. I was really getting mad and didn’t know what to do, so I installed messenger in my mobile and did the same thing as other girls were doing. Chatting with my friends in messenger brought a lot of pleasure to me. Meanwhile I used to chat with a boy Kumar, as he was from same intermediate college where I studied. Though we both were from different colleges and also far away, we spent more time in chatting with each other.
I had good impression on Kumar, in my opinion he is a good-looking guy and good-natured. In my intermediate college many girls had nice opinion on him. He performed good at academics and he can even impress anyone with his looks and with his gentleness.
We even started calling each other and we both were talking on phone for longer time. Very soon he became my best friend. I thought that Kumar is really very interested in me. Though he stayed far away from me, he spent a lot of time for me and I was feeling special and happy for spending time with him. It was first time that I have spent a lot of time talking with a boy. I rather thought this will be my first relationship. We either used to call each other or do chatting with each other in messenger. Everything was going good between us till then, on one fine day he asked me sent my photo to him.
Sending photo is not the only way to express my feelings towards him, in fact I even thought that it’s not necessary to send photo if two people truly value each other, and more over if two people are with beautiful hearts nothing can ruin their relationship. As we both of us thought of meeting after few days, so I wanted to make him wait till that time. Till then he still didn’t propose me. I was eagerly waiting for that moment.
His True Colors
The next day we got information that the college will reopen and I got up in the morning getting ready for college, we both even had conversation before when I left for the college. I don’t know what happened to him. When I was back from college, he started avoiding me! He refused to talk to me like before he used to do. He stopped replying to my messages. I was in great pain, there was no body at the hostel to share my grief. My roommates were still at their homes, I was alone in the room and didn’t even have close friends in the college, sometimes I skipped eating food thinking of him all day and worrying too much about it.
I thought Kumar is angry at me for not sending my photo to him. But still I had a strong feeling that Kumar is not that kind of guy, who would stop talking to me for such a silly reason. After all sending photo is not the only way to keep up a relationship in my opinion.
Fortunately a girl at my hostel saw me really worried, she came to me to know what’s wrong and what happened to me. I knew only her in the entire hostel, though she was not my close friend but I knew her. I told her everything what happened. She motivated me to scold him, she is a feminist and she told that girls are not toys or puppets with which he can play.
She immediately made me to call him and with all her motivation I scolded him that he shouldn’t have done like this to me, she turned on the speaker, to warn him not to repeat this with any other girl. He got a warning from her that, she knew many of her friends from his college and it wouldn’t even take more time to teach him a lesson. But to our surprise, we shocked to hear reckless response from him. He was not even feeling guilty for what he did. Instead he shouted back saying that “okay just stop now!! And you people get lost!!”
Because of his response I was too much broken from inside. I couldn’t digest the fact that, he is no longer going to talk to me anymore. The person who showered with all his attention and affection on me, he is no longer liking me! This time I couldn’t even share my pain again with my hostel friend. I thought that she will humiliate me, if she got to know that I still think and worry about him.
So I again messaged him saying sorry for scolding him. I really don’t know, whether I did wrong or right. I still remember that time, how we both of us used to talk without even knowing time. Once upon a time, I was too worried, because he was busy at church and he was not lifting my phone calls, I still remember how he consoled me for being too much worried for him. I couldn’t even imagine a day without talking to him. This time it was not at all easy for me to let it go. Though I controlled myself not to message him but I couldn’t resist myself. I couldn’t tolerate the pain. It was a scary thing for me to imagine that he will no longer talk to me.
I really don’t know whether he was feeling the same way that I used to feel for him. I really don’t know whether he was missing me or not. But there was no such response or any kind of indication from him that he was missing me. When I messaged him saying sorry, he was really very rude with me. Kumar had a lot of hatred feeling on me. He then immediately called me and the conversation between me and Kumar started like this on phone:
Kumar: What do you think of yourself? Uh!!
Me: I’m really very sorry for scolding you. My intention was not at all to scold you.
Kumar: See I used to talk to you only with an intention of being a friend to you.
Me: Then why did you asked me to send my photo to you when you are not really interested in me?
Kumar: See I’m not interested in you.
Me: Please don’t stop talking to me!
Kumar: How can you think me as your lover? Uh!! How dare you think me as your lover? You better remember that there is nothing between both of us. Got it!
His words were like thorns, pricking my heart, his words tore my heart and feelings. The person who made me happy, he was no longer any reason for my happiness. I was totally depressed and I felt I’m deserted alone with loneliness. I really didn’t believe that, Kumar really didn’t have any feelings on me. May be he was too angry on me, so that would be the reason why he didn’t confess his feelings to me. I wanted to wait till the time when everything will be normal as usual.
Moving on was a must thing for me, to divert myself from that situation I started chatting with other friends in messenger. I started chatting with Kumar’s best friend Rahim. Rahim consoled me saying that this is common at this age. He convinced me not to worry more about the incident. As he said, we three of us could be friends I was really happy with that. Rahim became a good friend to me and I was waiting for Kumar to make friendship with him again. I thought everything will be normal and I’ll be fine thereafter.
Realisation of bitter truth
On one fine day I got few messages from Rahim. When I opened to read those messages I was in shock. He messages me saying that he is unable to concentrate on studies because of me, and all because he likes me he wants to propose me. I was in shock with his behaviour. I scolded Rahim saying that, he has probably gone too mad to think in that way.
He then rudely replied saying that, I should leave his friendship and I should never call him or message him forever. I should leave both Kumar and him forever and they are no longer my friends, I didn’t know what happened to him but I was in shock! So I immediately contacted Kumar and asked him about his friend Rahim and I asked Kumar, why did his friend behave with me in an unpredictable way?
Kumar gave me a very painful answer this time. He said that, “we always do only time pass with girls, but we never do any friendship with them”.
I was literally crying. I didn’t have my dinner and I cried that whole night.
After that I never contacted them again as they blocked me in all social networking websites. My heart which was already bleeding it got stamped over again and again. I didn’t even make any new friends in college, as I was already in depression. There was nobody in hostel or in college, with whom I can share my pain which has become even more unbearable and intolerable. I didn’t make any friends but I mostly had one or two friends. I didn’t share my grief with them, as I’m a conservative person and it takes a lot of time for me to open up to others.
There was nothing left to do, other than to move on! So I did the same thing again, I added more friends in messenger make new friends. I did all my level best to forget the past and I thought of making new friends probably a friends’ circle. One of my classmate Yadav became my friend in messenger. We both became good friends and he often used to call me after college. For having a new friend I was happy and I had a plan that it would be nice to form a group with Yadav, me and other two girls of my class.
I wanted to become normal, happy and wanted to move on, but it never happens to me! Again I really don’t know what happened to Yadav, he started behaving in an awkward way. All of a sudden he confessed that he likes me. Yadav said that, he really wants to know what was there between me and Kumar.
I became horrified to know that Kumar, Rahim and Yadav are best friends. I didn’t knew it before they all are friends.
Nobody can ever believe what happened on that particular night! Kumar, Rahim and Yadav made a call conference with me. In fact I was totally shocked that Kumar called me. I got stupefied and didn’t know whether I should feel happy or sad for what Kumar did with me, I was totally confused and overwhelmed with the feelings of sorrow, grief, happiness and pain. The phone conversation started among four of us:
Me: hello! Who is speaking?
Kumar: I’m Kumar
Me: (in shock) So what!! I really don’t know who are you and stop calling me!
Kumar: hey!! Is that you, who said like that!!
Me: why did you called me?
Yadav: Please talk to me at least now (he busted out crying on call conference)
Kumar: See how Yadav is crying for you! Did you hear that?
Me: Hey Yadav! Why are you crying? I already said that I can only be your friend, and now stop crying!
Kumar: hey listen, we four of us are friends, from now on wards we all are good friends! And in fact we friends can do anything for each other!!
Me: Oh really! Then why did your friend Rahim behave like that?
Rahim: I didn’t do it purposely.
Kumar: hey!! Just listen, in fact I said Rahim to behave like that and I accept that it was my fault. If you are still angry on us, then show it on me. If you want to scold, you can scold me. Rahim is innocent as he just did the way I asked him to do.
Me: what was the reason for that? I mean what do you mean by that? Why you people purposely wanted to hurt me?
Kumar: I did it for you!
Kumar: yes! I did it for your sake. I thought you were getting disturbed in studies because of Rahim. So only for your sake I kept him away from you.
Me: ( I knew that Kumar is trying to play fool with me, I knew that he is lying and trying to cover, despite of all this I still don’t know why I still want him as my friend) Okay then, let us be friends.
Kumar: okay done! We all can go for a movie on the coming weekend, what do you say?
Yadav: No! It’s not a good idea. It would be better only if three of us can go except her.
Kumar: I know about you both lovers, come on!
Me: Don’t talk rubbish Kumar! Stop assuming everything of your own. I already said you that we are just friends.
Kumar: ha ha ha!
Me: I want to ask you something.
Kumar: yeah sure!
Me: why did you say that, you people do only time pass with girls but you never do any friendship with them!
Kumar: (there was no response from him other than the beeping sound on phone and in fact it seems like he himself cut the call) Beep! Beep!
Me: hello! Kumar? Are you there?
I again tried calling Kumar, thinking that there was some network problem.
Me: (when I called Kumar I got this reply) the number you are trying to call is currently switched off, please call again later.
I felt that I was stupid enough to talk to him again! Regretting a lot, thinking that, I should have switched off my mobile when he called me. After this terrible incident I stopped taking to Yadav. Though he cried a lot, I didn’t accept his friendship. He then started convincing me that, he wants only friendship. He said that he’ll only be my friend but nothing more than that.
I didn’t have any problem for only being as a friend, so I accepted only as a friend to Yadav. But Yadav is Kumar’s friend, I didn’t believe in his words. I didn’t trust him completely. In fact I was more suspicious on Yadav, I seriously got a weird feeling that something bad is going to happen with me. I wanted to know what Yadav really thinks about me. So to know what exactly he thinks about me, I created fake account to chat with him as a complete stranger.
After having a long conversation with him as a stranger, I purposely asked Yadav, about his general opinion on girls. Yadav said that, he is very much interested in a girl presently and also he said that “though I have interest on her, she played games with my feelings”.
After when I came to know about his intentions, I was even more regretting than before. I felt like I’m worthless. His intentions irritated and annoyed me. The only thing left is, to end friendship with Yadav. The last conversation with Yadav in messenger:
Yadav: what are you doing?
Yadav: when did you reach hostel?
Me: I want to tell you something
Me: we both can never be friends. This is the only last and final time I’m messaging you.
Yadav: hey!! What happened? What’s wrong with you? We both are good friends right? Please stop saying like that!
Me: no I’m serious
Yadav: I’m really very sorry if I have hurt you. Please don’t leave now.
Yadav: hey listen! If you are not going to talk to me, then I say that you are a big flirt. Then because of you I’m going to suffer, all because of you I will get low marks. See because of you my carrier will spoil if you don’t talk to me and I will be sad for my entire life.
Me: Then go to hell.
I blocked Yadav and never talked to him again. I never even imagine Yadav would ever blackmail me in this way. In fact after this terrible and worst experience, I can surely say that three of them played with my feelings.
After going through this incident, I don’t know whether I was thinking right or wrong. I again want to do friendship with Kumar, I want him to come back in my life. Ever since he called me on that particular night, I couldn’t resist myself thinking about him day and night. As I was unknowingly waiting for his call or message, I thought of messaging or calling him once, but I had a fear of rejection from him. As days passed away, each and every day I used to check messages in messenger whether I got any message from him or not.
Pain Is Real But So Is Hope
After waiting for about six to seven months I got a friend request from Kumar. It’s like, a ray of hope is the sunshine all I need. He sent me friend request just a week before my birthday. I probably thought, he wants to surprise by wishing me on my birthday. I didn’t accept his friend request as I wanted him to wait for some more time. So I enjoyed a lot making him to wait for my response, I enjoyed testing his patience and expecting a phone call from him on my birthday. But disappointingly there was no such call or message from him on my birthday and in fact he even cancel his friend request. As a result I couldn’t control my anger, grief and sorrow. I abused him in messenger and deactivated my messenger account.
After doing such offensive thing, I messaged Kumar to excuse me for abusing him. I repeatedly messaged him saying sorry for what I did. But I didn’t get any reply from him. I thought he was not at all angry at me, as I thought he is not replying to me because he is kidding and trying to do something funny. In fact I thought that he is trying to show that he is really very angry at me though he is not at all angry for scolding him, so I myself called him on my birthday. And I thought that he won’t mind for abusing him, as I already said sorry for what I did and that too it’s my birthday, he won’t be any more angry on me!
Conversation between me and Kumar on phone:
Me: Are you crazy? What do you think of yourself? You think you are great! How can you avoid me? You think you are hero or what? How can you have so much attitude? Why do you think yourself that you are great?
Kumar: (with all his frustration and anger he shouted and yelled at the top of his voice saying that) you bloody! What do you think of yourself? You think that you are some heroine? What the hell are you up to? You better remember that there is nothing between you and me and also you can never be our friend! You better don’t call me hereafter! Got it? And I don’t want your friendship! GET LOST!!
Me: then why did you send friend request to me?
Kumar: I sent you friend request only for a small help from you. One of my friend stayed at your hostel, I just thought of asking you to get her phone number to me. I even deleted your phone number and the only way I can get her number from you is only through messenger. That’s the reason why I sent you friend request. Got it! I thought of wishing her on her birthday with a surprise call. (he again shouted on me saying that) Don’t waste my time hereafter by calling me or messaging me!
On the day of my birthday I called him again after an hour. Kumar and Rahim both are in call conference with me and I was literally crying on phone saying sorry for disturbing him, saying that I will not of disturb him hereafter. As I cried with great pain, there was no indication from Kumar that he will excuse me. The most heart breaking thing was that, it happened on the day of my birthday.
After this incident, they never called me or messaged me again at least to ask whether I’m fine or not, and also Kumar never even knew anything about my birthday. Though I waited for him for about six to seven months, he didn’t wish me on my birthday.
I really don’t understand that, how a situation can completely make a person fool!
How foolish I was! I always think of myself.
Everything from the beginning to the end has happened only through phone. I never met Kumar personally before or even after the horrible incident.