Excerpt: I want to see him in love with someone who will give him complete life, children, happiness and my favourite smile on his smile. I am sure he is genuinely in love with me. (Reads: unavailable)



Image© Anand Vishnu Prakash,


I was on stage for the assembly. It was 9th ‘B’ grade’s turn to conduct the assembly for the week. That includes quote of the day, news reading, idiom, book introduction and a patriotic song. Students were slowly gathering down the hall. I went to get the sign of the school leader as a confirmation for assembly conduction.

I saw Vishnu in the music room. He is a multi instruments player. When i entered he was playing one of my secret favourite old Hindi song in the flute with his eyes closed. I was amazed. Amazed at his beauty. He appeared like lord Krishna playing flute in the banks of Yamuna. I knew I was imagining but I couldn’t help it. When he opened his eyes with a heart piercing smile of his, I had no choice but adore him. I hope he didn’t get me doing that.

He signalled me to come closer. I went mesmerised. Has it ever happened in the history that a boy can be so amazingly beautiful to a girl? Breathtakingly handsome and unknowingly the reason of life. I feel all the pure emotions flowing in me… I can feel him as my own cute little baby, the ever wanting charming princess, my dream boy, a lovely husband, a caring friend, a responsible father, a truthful companion, god given soul mate….

I am always matured enough to know, understand, and feel. But when it comes to him, I feel lost. I feel pity for myself. “Pity? Stop staring him like that. Don’t be this weak” a low voice said from far…

Vishnu was reading my face. And seemed happy to see me lost. I gave the sheet to him for signature but with a mischievous smile he turned his back on me and started walking, ignoring me. I don’t know why but I followed him without even thinking where he was going. There was no one on the stage. We went to the small room that stores the stage decoration items. He stopped and stood facing me. His tall, slender, perfectly sculpted physical form seized me. The time stood there. It was a magic. I felt his rhythmic heart beats, his warm breath across my face from an angle due to his height, a magical bond held me to him. Blood was rushing to my brain.



“I said, breath… you are not breathing since a minute…”

Stored carbon- di- oxide in my lungs escaped with a heavy sigh. I gasped for fresh oxygen.

He was chuckling. Happy to see my reaction, he came very close to me leaving approximately two and half centimetre between us. I stood pressing the wall behind me. He gave his asymmetrical smile-rising left corner of his lips over the right side. My favorite smile…

“Measuring the distance between us?”

Damn! How does he know?

“Don’t worry. I don’t do anything until you are ready”

I was surprised to find my lips parting, eager to touch his.

But that’s where I was different from most of us. I know the very thin line which separates reality from dream. I understand I cannot afford him. I know very well that I love him enough to leave him and vanish. And there came my tough side into action.

“Who said I am ever going to be ready?” I asked him. The mixed feeling of fear and longing replaced by a tough expression.

He was taken back by my sudden change of emotions. The one he was not expecting.

“You are wrong. I will never be ready.” I felt the bitterness in my own voice as words came out.

“Probably you need to find someone better, who will stay with your stupidity Mr Perfect…”

He didn’t reply anything and kept looking at me in daze. I walked out swiftly unable to face his questioning eyes. I knew I had slapped his dreamy eyes with my words.

That night, as I lay on the bed, I realized it was not easy to ignore him as I had first thought. Because my body was responding to him. My heart was responding to him. And the most trustworthy of myself, i.e., my brain was not an exception. It too has felt the taste of love… I don’t know when it happened, where it happened, why it happened. It just happened that way. There was no reason that I could relate to those questions. The logical side of my brain failed to analyse it. I always thought every question has an answer. But he proved it wrong. I was desperate to find out the reason as I was very sure, once  I find the mystery behind the magic, the thrill will be gone. But the reasons behind my love was divine. I could just feel it and can never find.

I remembered all the moments with him. Memories became a part of my good night’s sleep these days. I didn’t know if I should be happy for having a better brain than many others because I can remember even the very minute details like the millimeter growth of hair on his face, the pattern of his shirts, the exact words he spoke, the killing smiles he gives according to different moods, the scent of his sweat, tan of his body, his touch, the feel of nearness etc. etc… everything in particular and the scenes plays in my mind in different angles and positions.

The preparation for the district level quiz competition in primary, how he made me memorize the entire quiz book in a week in library after the school every day for a week, how he held my hands when we got the first position, as partners in dance on the independence day, how he helped me through my ‘failure of saree’ incident in the middle of the dance, the duet song we had sung in last years’ school day and how I had felt sparks getting stronger… Once we had met in Germany when our fathers were on a business trip. We stayed in the same hotel too.

It was strange that god gave me so many good memories to cherish and at the same time to feel dejected. Everything was perfect until the shock hit me. I can’t blame the fate for it. Life has given me all the best things in the world. A fairy tale rich life with a caring parents & brother, luxury routines, trustworthy friends and an amazing brain, power ,looks, talents, money, education, and a most beautiful creature of god-Vishnu Bhakta- whom I was not qualified to have regardless of my infinite love for him. I never asked god why he gave all of them and now I don’t have the right to ask why he gave me a little time.

Tears had no stopping. I knew I needed to give an explanation to mamma in morning for my swollen eyes if she were there at home. Fortunately, she had gone to the conference of the university professors in Chennai.

I remembered my childhood. Certainly I had the best childhood. I will miss my mamma, papa from up there in heaven or hell which I dint care. It doesn’t matter which place it is if your loved once are not there. I would miss my brother and the days we played together and learnt together.

At least I can tell my family how much I love them, and how much they mean to me and that if there is another life I want to be born in the same family.

But with him it was different. I can’t just go and explain him everything and say what I really want and need to say. It may devastate him, I cannot leave him lonely and shattered. I can’t give him my brief days. Rather I want to see him in love with someone who will give her complete life, children, happiness and my favorite smile on his smile. I am sure he is genuinely in love with me. I can feel him in more closer than anyone can. I know how hard it’s for him to resist me, how hard it’s for him when his mind wants him to go against his heart just like it’s for me, how disappointing he might be when the brain plays the older memories with detailed visions just like I see him in my mind, how difficult it is for him to take me out of his mind. Because when it comes to brain, we are pretty much alike.

I was trying to shut my mind and stop feeling so miserable. There was still time to live and say good bye. May be I could wait for a miracle?

I was standing on the edge of a cliff facing the sea… sea appeared like clouds. There was no movement. It looked dead. The cliff was of white marble… a glassy white marble that reflected. The frozen air didn’t appear to take my attention. I was awaiting someone. Someone who was not in my sight. But I knew he would come. Definitely come to see me, to save me, to take me back home…The earth under me shivers and the entire area gets alive. I look at my reflection, I saw a beautiful princess in her white wedding dress. That aliveness in the arrival of someone I had been waiting for brings the lives for me, to choose from it and stay with him. That someone is coming towards me… on a white horse, in a white suit, in a white back ground….my prince Vishnu… behind him, in a white chariot came my parents. They were in white too. They seemed happy seeing me. Vishnu got down the horse and started walking towards me with his hand extended for me to come and hold. But instead I turn back and look down the cliff in horror.The black smoke was arising from nowhere. The sea looked alive with giant waves hitting the base of the cliff. the black smoke takes me off the cliff and behind me I could hear Vishnu’s painful scream….

I got up with a gasp. Breathing became heavy. The clock showed 2 am. I sat re playing the dream….


( to be continued…)

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