January 23, 1998
My life is in pieces. I am confused. My life cannot go on.
This is something hard to admit to. It is hard to accept. January 23, 1998 was the time of my conception. It happens to people like me all the time. I am the easy go figure type that submits to a married man. I left the old job so I would not interfere with his marriage.
Several months past. It was now August. I was scheduled for an ultrasound. I could not admit my guilt of adultery. What would people think of me? Having a baby out of wedlock to a married man would ruin my family’s reputation. I would be belittled with mockery and hatred with the thought of deceiving God. I felt this time was different. I never loved a man more. I was caught in a tragic accident of having relationships with married men. I know it is wrong of me to do so. It is not entirely all my fault, the men do not admit to it until after they are caught.
I lost my brother on February 23, 1998. I feel I cannot go on. The daddy lost his first child to a miscarriage. Where do I fit in? It is me, he and she. What am I supposed to do? I felt I must walk away and pretend it would just go away. Poof, it’s gone in one blow. How does one admit you cheated? I did not know what to do. I know how hard it is to be a single mom, especially without father’s support. Why did God let this happen?
I decided to have the baby aborted the time of the ultra sound. This is a secret that I must take up with my God. I am not a murderer. I was actually hoping he would leave his wife for me. I thought I loved this man more than anyone else. He is a fatal attraction from another lost relationship. There is nothing I can do with a married man. I do not think it is possible to replace the baby daddy. I cannot replace our baby. There is nothing any man can do with a woman who cannot conceive a child. I lost my chance. I must find piece in my heart to love others.
After him, there are no commitments, while I gave my soul to God. If I held the secret I kept from him. There is not a day that goes by that I wonder what if, I saw my child grow up, knowing what are her interest are, knowing what she looks like, seeing her achieve and most of all knowing is she happy? If I had the chance to start all over again, I would breathe life back into my child’s heart and let her live. I was alone. I was confused. I was scared of what people would say or think; but, it is something that I will never forget. I hope he forgives me. There is something I feel I must say…