“Sh##t maaann!” I was irritated by Neetu. Neetu Prasadh. My best friend from day one in our pre kg, who was sitting beside me, irritatingly crying right in my ears. I had scared her to shut her mouth and she did. And our bench mate status soon changed to best friends.
She was not so irritating before. But after she found some kind “spark” in Abhishek, one of Vishnu’s friends, she almost never shut her mouth now. Her stupid love suggestions for me and dreamy ideas have already made me sick of listening to her. I know whom exactly she was trying to make me go to… the same angelic man of my life. A dream I want in reality. I can’t blame her for she has no idea about the truth that I hid in me.
“Don’t over react. I can smell something is fishy…” she raised one of her eye browse. “You know everything paavnaa… why acting then?”
“Will you take the risk of explaining me on what topic you are making a conversation?” I asked.
“I am afraid, I can’t.”
“Better. Then don’t”, I said looking at my newly released book “Harry Potter and half-blood princess” that I received from my cousin who lives abroad. I could feel Neetu’s continuous stares at me which I ignored.
I knew what she was referring to and realized why she was acting so busy in the morning when I asked her to get school leader’s confirmation signature. My own friend is the one who planned today morning’s “assembly drama”. I should have realized it then and could have sent someone else to Vishnu.
She looked away when Abhi joined us.
“What’s up with you two girls? What did you say Neetu?” he asked sensing the tension in the air.
“Nothing much. Just that I can’t believe who certified her for the highest IQ holder. She really looks dumb to me.”
I learnt to ignore my bestie’s anger these days. I dint reply.
She continued, “Thank god, Vishnu’s both IQ and EQ’s are higher than paavnaa’s. Because his EQ is more, he acts human.”
I felt like laughing at her knowledge. Yet I controlled. I know she is concerned about me. She is one of those few people I feel comfortable like a family. But I was helpless. I swallowed my thoughts…
I hadn’t seen him from past 98 hours 57 minutes and 16 seconds. Not even a small glimpse of him. I was anxious to see him. May be I was too harsh on that assembly incident. Why am I like this? Why the hell do I disappoint him like that? Wasn’t and aren’t I the one who always wait for a moment with him. And when those moment comes why do I spoil it so badly? Why am I so cruel to myself?
Muscles tensed up as lump at the back of my throat. I don’t know when I actually started crying. I don’t remember myself crying before a year back. And now there is not a single night that goes without I wetting my pillows. Have I become so fragile? Is love a weakness? No. love is not a weakness but not being able to return that love to someone who loves you is a weakness.
I don’t care if I am too young to fall in love. In fact it’s too late to express my love now.
I have no place for dilemmas. All my decisions are perfect and practical even if I take a decision in the very last second except in Vishnu’s case. When it’s about Vishnu, there is no difference between my brain and my heart. They both gets combined to one single part I cannot name. It’s at these times I feel the pain inside my head. Somewhere from the deep parts of my brain or that’s how I interpreted it. Before the pain accelerates I finally decided to see him.
I was trying to come up with an excuse to see him. And may be my time wasn’t good. Neetu found me waiting near the senior’s staircase that led to plus 2 sections. I was caught red hand. I had told her I was going to staff room which is all together in a different building and here I was sheepishly laughing to cover the scene.
Neither she asked why I was there nor did I try to tell her. The way she looked at me and smiled, I understood she knew why I was there. She climbed the staircase and went.
I waited there thinking what were the other possibilities I could have come up instead of just walking away on him just like that. It was too immature. These days I am becoming more and more immature.
No Pavana. You did it right. Isn’t that what you wanted? To make him understand you are not the one to him. Was not it what you needed to-to draw yourself from his space of attraction? My mind was instructing me and my nervous system was following it involuntarily. I was already walking back to my classroom.
I was confused. I was finding myself in two halves. One half that was pushing me to Vishnu and the other half pulling me back from him. I felt I was losing my own self in the battle. One of my half led by brain was suddenly became active defeating the heart led half.
As I walked I sensed a different feeling. The one that gave me a chill along my spinal cord. The one that races my adrenaline. I was conscious of someone’s attention behind me.
“Gracious…I wish you could hear me.”
His voice was a music. I can never miss to notice it. I was retreating from seeing him and here he was. Life is really cruel sometimes. Giving me as much as lovely memories to suffer later. I turned back.
“If you tell so loud, people around can also hear you” Vishnu looked puzzled. As though I spoke in foreign language.
“What? You heard me?”
“Why do you try to act so dumb in front me?” I asked crossing my hands across my chest. “I too have ears” I said showing little anger. I was feeling happy inside and somehow I controlled myself from looking so in front of him.
He flashed a winning smile. Will there be any life in which I would fail to admire his smile?
“I dint know you learnt telepathy. If so you can speak to me anytime in night rather than ringing my phone in midnight and confusing my mother for me”
I was trying to put his words to make some sense. “You dint speak those words out loud?”
He stopped smiling. With a deep, profound expression he replied “it doesn’t matter. Expressed or unexpressed you will always know it.”
He regained his happy-go expression back. I could see myself in his eyes. He made me beautiful by keeping me inside him.
” I know why you came here and why you are going back without saying anything to me” I love his confidence in my movements. He definitely shares a magnetic force of attraction with me. May be we both share a same wavelength of nature only that mine will be cut short fully in some days or weeks. He continued-
“you are sad for what happened almost 99 hours 15 minutes back. you think i was disappointed and and didn’t show up in front of you, and you were thinking hard since morning whether to apologize and i guess you even got headache because of me. And now when you finally did come you are ashamed of speaking to me.”
I don’t know how others if were in my legs would have reacted to such an accurate guess but I chose to remain silent.
” Don’t worry, I was out of town. I had asked Neetu not tell you about my absence. I wanted you to think about me which you always do” he winked an eye.
“At this time you probably might be worrying how I know about your headache. you can assume I felt your pain” he said. The intense look he gave, I failed to understand it.
I hadn’t spoken to him yet and he continued as if he knew what I would speak. ” heh Pavana, dont give that look, I was just kidding… I saw you pressing your forehead. that’s it” saying that he patted my back as if to console me.We walked together in silence particularly to nowhere. It reminded my situation of running to my love without able to reach it….
to be continued…