Everyone struggles with something. Everyone. For me, that struggle was love. I was always the class clown, the guy who didn’t care about much. I was the laid back nice kid who always had to make people laugh. I fell into this role perfectly, so I played it. I loved people. The fact in this world there are billions of people, and every single one is different fascinated me, and still does. I was never nervous around anyone, in fact I flourished in situations where I had to meet and talk with different people. I was considered a “ladies man.” Never nervous to be the one guy at the school dance to go ask a girl to dance with me. I never was afraid to tell a girl she’s beautiful. I was never scared to ask a girl on a date. What I was afraid of was feelings.
I broke up with girls or stopped talking to them because they wanted to move forward and start doing things, whether it be sexual or more “official” type dates. The summer of my junior year in high school I lost my virginity in a car, with a special girl. It was the epitome of the “How I lost my virginity” stereotype. It was perfect. However, we ended up breaking up a week later, and it really hit hard. So I did what I did best, I flirted with as many girls as I could to get my mind off of the whole situation. I went on tons of chipotle and movie dates. Never letting anything go farther than that. Then I met her, and everything changed.
Seeing her that night at bdubs (buffalo wild wings), I knew I had to try. Her laugh, her hair, her skin, her body, everything about her was perfect. Absolutely perfect. So I did what I usually did, and somehow it worked. Except this time I couldn’t call it quits after the movie date. I told myself to, but I couldn’t get enough. There wasn’t a moment during the day when she wasn’t on my mind. She became my girlfriend and everything was perfect.
Pinterest became my best friend, and I took her on as many dates as I possibly could. The whole time I was scared. Scared of what was happening to me. Then on our 6 month, a few months before I went off to college, she said I love you, I said it back and I cried. I don’t know why but saying it was like a weight getting lifted off my chest. Everything was amazing. I was going to college soon and I had the most beautiful girlfriend anyone could ask for. A few weeks later, however, we broke up and she was with a guy just a few weeks after that and I was broken.
I went to college with the ladies man attitude and took it to a new level. I went out with 8 girls my first semester in college. Some were great girls that I care about still and am friends with, others were the typical one night stands. I became decently known around campus and made tons of friends. It was easy to push my hurt and pain to the back of my mind. My second semester started and it was more or less the same as my first. It got to the point where I was known to “have hoes.” Other guys would ask me to get them girls. As if I had them lined up at my door.
At the time, I was okay with this popularity. If love hasn’t worked for me and girls are coming to me as easy as they were, maybe it’s all I’m supposed to have. Those chipotle and movie dates and sex. Maybe that’s all I needed, maybe I didn’t need love.
Then, half way through my second semester in college I met a girl. We started hanging out and for some reason I felt like I could tell her anything. So I did, I told her about the girl from bdubs. I told her about how hurt I still was and that everything I did was too get those feelings from almost a year ago to go away. To my surprise, she understood. Completely. Through the next 2 months those feelings disappeared. The cycle started again. This time with a small town girl who went to my college. Everything was about her. I couldn’t go a second without thinking about her and it scared me even more than the first time.
I went a whole year being that care-free, ladies man, kind of guy. Not letting myself get attached, because in my mind if you don’t get attached you can’t get hurt. With her I couldn’t help but get attached. I wanted to give this girl the world and everything in it. However, summer was coming up and I had to leave to go back home. We talked about dating but I told her that I didn’t want to start our first 3 months together away from each other, but when I come back she’s all I want.
It went great at first. We would face-time and talk everyday for about a month. Then she started not responding like she normally would. She said it was because of work, but I knew there was something else. Sure enough she ended up getting a boyfriend. Just a few weeks after we last saw each other. Again, I was broken. I hated myself for getting so close. I still do, except now I see her everyday at college. She even lives in my dorm. I still have all of the cute selfies she sent me, and all the happy pictures we took together, wondering to myself how someone can be so happy to be with you, and want nothing but you one second.
Then just a few weeks later throw you to the side like it’s nothing. I started, once again, to do what I do best. I met new girls, flirted and hung with them, but before It escalated, I met someone in the weirdest of circumstances. On face-time with my friend. It started as a joke. I was flirting as hard as I could with her, just having some fun joking around with my friend. Then the girl and I actually started talking. We kept talking for a couple days. She was super cute, funny, and was being flirty back. I don’t know why but I was excited for her to come visit. I wanted to take this girl on a dinner date, not even having ever met her in person before. I don’t know what it was we just clicked a little bit, nothing too serious, we just really got along.
Tonight we face-timed for the first time and talked for awhile. She then brought up how she knows about how I am a sweet talker and a really good flirt and that she told my friend to help her not do anything with me because she knows she’s going to want to. She said this nonchalant and half as a joke, but it annoyed me. I stopped talking or flirting with any other girl, not because I had to or she asked, I just had no desire to. When I talked with her I was being genuine. Every word I said I meant. I know it really isn’t a big deal what she said but it made me think. Think about what love, more so failed love, can do to you. What facade it can make you put up for over a year. A facade, that you might not think much about, but others around you do. A facade where it gets to the point girls don’t know if you’re “sweet talking” them or being genuine. This is where I find myself, writing at 3 am on a Thursday.