Those were the days, when I was trying to get on with life, as much as possible. Although it is tough to do so, I tried my way in achieving happiness and satisfaction in life. Those were also the days, when I succeeded my trials, in not chanting her name in my life again. I was not successful enough, but I grew stronger than before. She was the angel of life and death for me, even a glimpse of her would consume me and alert me, no matter where am I and what I do.
She was such a weak point for me, that there were days thinking about her whereabouts, made my body health upside down, due to immense concern and fear. I remember an awesome quote by Swami Vivekananda “Anything that makes weak – physically, intellectually and spiritually, reject it as poison”. I wondered, how it could be applied to our loved ones, as they make us weak and we cannot reject them as poison. But time has shown me a solid reason and meaning of rejecting our weaknesses as poison, especially in the case of loved one.
As a part of de-addicting myself and to stay away from depression, I used to watch movies alone whenever time allows or try to create time for my own to watch movies. So, I went for a movie, and as it was a weekend, many people came there. Incidentally, that was the place where, we both used to come for shopping in those days. Shopping was her passion, similar to every other girl. I was just guessing and hopping that I may encounter her, anytime at that place. My eyes started searching for the possibilities of her presence. Later as the movie was about to start, I moved into the theater.
Suspicious Missed Calls:
Later in the interval, after a heavy sentimental scene, I was rubbing my eyes, to check whether my phone has got any notifications. It was always a despair checking my phone notifications, as after our break-up my phone became silent like me. Every notification I check in my phone, are in search of her name or message for some odd reason. It took a bit of time to see at the phone screen as I was watching the movie screen continuously and got involved in that.
I found 4 missed calls, from a person whom I used to hate like never before about anyone. I have no idea, who exactly he is to her but I used to hate him because of his indirect intervention between us. We used to have lot of many differences regarding the same, even though he is not the sole reason for our break-up, but it was an addition to fire. I was least bothered about investigating about his relation with her. I suspected, why he would call to me, at that time, I knew it was not him. She might have called me through his number for some reason. Slowly I ignored the thoughts and started to enjoy the movie.
Soon after, the movie ended, I got a call from her number directly. Many questions wandered in my head at that moment, from “why did she call to me” to “What she may be needing” and my brain puzzled very much for few moments. My telepathic brain was sending few signals, from few weeks about her, expecting something from her. I ignored those thoughts as it might be the part of usual assumptions I used to get daily due to intense love towards her. But, this time it came true, in the form of her call.
I answered the phone and placed my ear near the earpiece in an ultra slow motion getting ready to hear anything from her. 72 bpm became 100 bpm in a minute and my whole body changed totally. As if, I was a re-launched robot, from the scratches, and as if someone switched on my circuits to lit up whole my body. As ifif, I was a re-erected fallen tree due to harsh hurricane winds that uprooted me. Comparisons did not have any end with that call.
All my comparisons came to an end till I heard her voice. I was mute for about half a second before I heard hear her voice, thinking what might she talk and in a regular tense of child before his teacher. Later I heard the voice “Hello” in a very rough adamant way,way; it sounded very sweet to me. This is how she used to talk when she was pissed off with me.
For a moment I thought she was about to search a reason to talk to me, as she too took half a second to start conversation with me.However, she opened her conversation with a big nagging voice as if I am her manager and she is going to present her project or idea before me. Then she went saying, those words, that answered all my questions and puzzles.
‘Yes’ or ‘No’:
She asked something belonging to her, which I stored with me, She asked in such a way, as if I stored all of her assets related documents with me. As she started talking, I felt as if she is going to take away all my memories that I stored so far with me. I did not understand, at that moment why would she need those things at this point of time. I finally understood, she was talking about her books, which are with me. Those books are our only written proofs for our memories of our good old days.
Even though she was very reluctant to ask me, maybe her asking for something to someone is hurting her senses. With the same reluctant voice, she asked me if I had those books with me right now. I was quizzed for that question, whether to say ‘Yes’ or ‘NO’. I am not aware of what consequence I will face after any of my answers. But in my whole life time with her till now, I never gave a place to ‘NO’.
At that situation, if my answer was ‘NO’ she gave me an option stating, ‘if you don’t have those now, I will buy my own’. Then I realized that, saying ‘No’ is fatal to my life as she may cut the phone immediately. All of this conversation and my analysis went on like a scene in the paradise or a scene in the next world. Just as in biology, the whole mechanism or the reaction that I explained happened just in fraction of milliseconds. However, my time froze at the particular moment.
Shockingly, there was no pain after talking to her, as so far I used to spend time thinking about her whereabouts, assuming her presence and voice. All that pain has vanished with one phone call. The phone call changed my thinking about her, not completely but at least to the extent that may allow me to breathe happy.
I replied, “Yes” and promised to give those books to her as soon as possible. The next day the meeting was set to 3pm, I was literally waiting for that time to arrive. The time, to see her again in my life, whom I thought meeting or talking is impossible. First time in the 2 years of our departed journey, I went for a makeover. A makeover, which she used to like in everybody and she loved to see me like that. I carried out perfumes of happiness, combed my brain with determination. I rode my bike without fear and sang songs on it like never before. It was re-entry of happy moments in my life about her, which lasted, only for fraction of moments.
The Special paper:
I was very tricky about meeting her, as I planned something for her. I was carrying a big shopper bag to take those books to her and I managed to put a special paper in the opening cover of first book in the bag. I held the bag for her to take the books. She was wearing very normal looking dress may be to signify that she has the least possible value for me. She was unable to bear my presence even for a minute. I can sense her hatred waves touching me, with her body language. She immediately started to take her own books to leave the place as early as possible. I was expecting her to take the first book in which I placed that ‘Special Paper’. Turning down all my plans, she picked the last book and started transferring in her bag at a quick rate.
I started to work as per the plan to make her see that ‘special paper’, to recognise the specific moment. Other than the ‘Special Paper’, there were many extra bits of papers as a token of memories among those books, those were the books of our study time. I unfolded the paper, hoping she may notice it, but withher most possible narrowed ignorance, she did not notice. I desperately tried opening the paper before her face, to ask if that paper is her’s, again she ignored my trials and moved on to start her bike. Some ego, moved in me at that moment, and I did not say bye to her and obviously she did the same and started the bike moving away from my life once again. She was clear in her views in leaving me alone in my life.
It is not my new failure, I failed many times, this is another one, but this time I did not have any regrets or sorrows about it. I made the situation as best as possible suitable for me to replenish our relation, in which I failed again. I switched on my bike engine, to move back to my nest of life with all of her memories in my heart again I folded the paper happily into my front pocket, with smiling face back along with my shining white helmet and drove towards my home onto the lone expressway. .
Still, I am happy for meeting her, I came to know that my efforts would be futile forever after knowing about her changed residence and observing some shining ring on her middle finger. I was riding with peaceful mind, instead of any sorrow. In the middle of the ride, few thoughts about her ran into my brain, I slowed down my vehicle close towards the railing on the expressway.
Controlled Mixed Emotions:
I partially rested on the railing with half of my body on the railing and my legs on the bike. I just pulled out that ‘special paper’ out of my pocket, and unfolded it. The evening sun is reflecting on my glasses as the warm breezes and trying to take away the paper. The paper has my picture on it, smiling wide open with almost all the teeth available, with my checks shirt and a small glass frame. That heartwarming smile and appearance smile stole her heart and she captured the same on her own with a pencil. While the original picture stole her heart, her pencil art stole my heart. In a time rewind, I went back to those happy moments in my life but, did not want my thoughts to go beyond this picture. I folded the paper back in its place and wiped off my face to remove any physical traces of cherished memories on my cheeks and continued my tedious journey of life, thanking the ‘time’ for providing such a beautiful opportunity to see and talk to her again with an ‘unexpected call’ in my life.