When someone meet someone else for the first time is just to appreciate her looking. Her appearance. Her beauty. How she or he is from outside. How she or he was created. Her whatever but from outside. To say, “I love you. ” means two things. You have appreciated the way she looked from outside. How beautiful she was from outside. Well-groomed she was. Then you attacked the heart. You had time to know her. Not only by sex but to see her habits. How sociable she was. How tolerant she was. How wide was her heart. Not wide to accept everybody asking for her hand of course. But wide in the way she is gregarious.
There you can say, “I love you. ” but from outside only, I think the best way to say is, “I am interested by how you are from outside. ” , “I like the way you appear. “, ” I like you. “, ” I can attest, I appreciate you. ”
Of course the sound is not good but it tells the truth. Than to say what is not true. Sometime people like to be lied, I attest but is it really necessary? Maybe it depends on the one who wants to listen to.
All my sights was on her. Really concentrated.
“Can I know that thing? ” she said.
That question changed everything. What to answer? I really got confused.
“The problem is that I don’t know exactly what it is, ” I said.
“How that you don’t know? ” she said.
“I could tell you more, ” I said, “if you give me time to know you more. ”
“You seemed to be young, ” she said, “so stay as you are. ”
“Your manner to see the world and your age are totally different, ” she said.
“I don’t have any manner to see the world, ” I said. “I just say what I saw was good to say in a good manner. ”
“That is what I am telling you, ” she said. ”
“What exactly? ” I said.
I think she had known me a bit. She reminded me one girl I met. Short. Not really too short. Innoncent. With many projects in her head.
I called her on the phone one day.
“Hello, ” I said.
“Hello, ” she said.
“How was your day? ” I said.
“Not bad, what about you? ”
“I had some good days than this. ”
“Are you eating? ”
“Oh, yeah. ”
“What’s up? ”
“I wanted to see you tomorrow, if possible! ”
“Yeah sure. When? ”
“Anytime you want. ”
“Tomorrow is sunday so I have to go to church first. ”
“Ok, even after your church. ”
“My church? ”
“Yeah, your. ”
“Our church you mean? ”
“Because I invite you for the church tomorrow. ”
“How to refuse a delicious offer like that! ”
I couldn’t refuse that offer. I wanted her so I had to take her with all that she had.
“Ok, for tomorrow! ”
“Yeah tomorrow. ”
She even didn’t give me the name of the church. Even the adresse. It is crazy what can love change us to, what we can do to show that we love someone. It was about three month I have been in a church. Just because it was a girl who proposed me, I immediately accept. I can not remember how many times my mother asked me to go. But I didn’t. I decided to search for her friends and asked them the name and adresse of the church.
Tomorrow early morning I started the journey. The church was very far. Really far. My mother asked me to go the church just at about five minutes from home, I refused. Then I accepted the one for one hour.
I was already inside. She was on the first line. Wearing in black and white. Singing. When the priest said , “those who is for their first time to come here can stand up and tell us their names, and where they are from. ”
What is that?
I couldn’t stand up at all. What I wanted was just to make her surprised when we would meet.
The church ends some hours after. I went back home. I didn’t tell her that I was there. I was waiting for her. “Have been in the church? ”
That was only what I was waiting for.
Some time after, I took my phone. “Hello miss, are you home now? ”
“Yes of course, ” she said.
“Can I come for a second, ” I said.
“Sure, ” she said.
I immediately got the bathroom. Washed my body, changed my clothes and went away. I met my mother in the road. “Where are you going, ” she said.
“Just over there, ” I said, showing with a finger.
“mmh! ” she said with a betrayed face.
A second after, I was at the road near her house. I took my phone again. “Hi, I am just in the road and I forgot the way to your house, can you please come to take. ”
“Ok I come, ” she said.
She came and took me to her house.
The first thing was, “I didn’t see you in the church. ”
“I was, ” I said.
“Have you seen me? ”
“Of course yes. ”
“How was I? I mean how was I wearing? ”
“Black and white. ”
“What did the priest preach about? ”
I told her everything she wanted to know about her church. Then came that unforgotable moment.
“It is a long time you are looking for me, ” she said. “What do you want? I mean what are you waiting from me? ”
It always not difficult to find an answer to a question from a girl according to your feeling to her. Most of time men want just to be with a girl. Just to be and say, “this is my girlfriend. ” But it is a long way to arrive there. Girls can say, “No. ” I can understand. It is not easy to answer to some questions those can send you to that person who you have to be in front of her. I didn’t know how to explain it. I should just have said, “I want you. ” but it was too easy and simple. If she could have said, “here I am. ” what could have I said?
I saw a movie where people who were supposed to love each other broke up. One came. “What if we restarted our relationship? ”
“Sure, it is a good idea, ” the second said.
“How are you? ” the first said.
“Fine and you? ”
“Not bad. ”
“My name is …. ”
“Nice to meet you. My name is … ”
It is like they met for the first time. Impossible. How that? You can restart a relationship. What you had done will stay. And it will come again and again as you are together. You had already done the beginning.
“Ok see you tomorrow. ”
And that situation is supposed to restart a relationship. Of course not.
If the girl had told me, “here I am. ”
“Ok think, ” I could have said.
But I was confused either to say that or not.
“I wanted to take a part in your life, ” I said.
“Can you explain? ” I said.
I took a bit time. “It is not a long time I have been seeing you but I just realised that I wanted to woke up and write you a message. I just wanted to be somewhere thinking of you, how you are, what are you doing? I just wanted to live my life and know that there is someone somewhere I have to call. I just wanted to be the one you could call in the night, at anytime. I just wanted to be there for you. ”
“Wouaouh, ” she said with a smile. “You know, I… I … I don’t know what to answer or I… And what to say right now. ”
“Ok no problem, ” I said, “take your time. ”
“But the only thing I can say is that you are think out if the age you have. ”
When Jenny told me about my manner, I thought about this relationship. But this one didn’t have time to answer my request because I got another one just after.
Girls don’t think about the time given to a man to answer a request. There is no time. You accept or not. Everything is easy. You are ready for a new relationship or not. According to what you have just seen.
“You try to philosophize, ” she said.
“How exactly? ” I said.
“I don’t know but … ” she said before a bit hesitation. “I mean…you… ”
“No, ” i said, “you are wrong”
“You know, ” she said, “my boy…ex-boyfriend actually, told me…I am not sure I have to tell you that… ”
“No, ” I said, a smile inside me, ” go ahead. ”
“Sure, ” she said, “told me that I was that kind of girl too. ”
“Which kind? ” I said.
“I don’t know but… ” she said.
“But what? ” I said. “Listen, be free. Don’t worry to tell me something if you feel that I can help. ”
It was a pleasure for me to help her to get away her problems about her feeling.
With a bit time of thinking. “Ok, you know there are some guys who meets girls. But according to the way the girl is answering, according to the way the girl is solving their traps. They decide to escape and say, ‘that girl is for aged people. ‘”
“Really? ” I said.
She reminded a girl. Her name was, if I remember, Prisca. Beautiful. A little bit big body than me.
After an invitation, she came to my home.
I was just sitting in the living room. Never remembered that I have invited someone. I heard someone knocking.
“Hi Prisca, ” I said when asking her to get inside.
“Hi, ” she said.
“I can say… , ” I said, “I am impressed and surprised. ”
“Why? ” she said.
“I was not sure you would come, ” I said.
“Why? ” she said.
“It was just that, ” I said.
“Ok, ” she said, “I am here now. ”
“I think you got some points, ” I said.
“Thank you, ” I said.
“How was your day, ” I said, “till now of course. ”
“I have never felt good like this, ” she said.
“Why do you say that? ” I said.
“I don’t know but that is what I feel, ” she said.
“You didn’t have class today? ” I said.
“No, ” she said.
She started talking about her life all the appointment along. I felt tired with what she was talking about. I even tried to change the topic most of time but she was taking all the time for her herself.
I took a bit time after her bit break. “How old are you? ” I said.
She looked at me without hesitation. “18. ”
“Ouaouh, ” I said.
“What’s up? ” she said. “I have got that 22th this month. ”
I was 27 years old.
It reminded me once to met two girls. After a little discussion.
“How old are you, ” they asked me.
“27, ” I said.
“Eeeeeiiiie!,” they said, “we are just children in front of you. ”
I laughed. I didn’t know what to say. I shutted my door. I meant my mounth. I just understood because they maybe were too child to understand the world. Don’t forget, ennemie of love.
“Why did you ask me that? ” Prisca said.
“I… I just wanted to know? ” I said.
“Then? ” she said.
“You know the way you are talking, your mind, you whatever, body and others are not muching with your age. ”
“Thank you to tell me that, ” she said.
“Why? ” I said.
“Because most of boys when they meet such girls, ” she said, “they just escape after a time and said, ‘that girl has a higher mind that only aged people can. ‘”
“So do you want me to escape? ” I said.
“If you can, ” she said.
“I am not that kind of people who escape the problem than to fight, ” I said.
“Good to hear that from you, ” she said.
“You know, my ex-boyfriend, ” Jenny said, “was really not that kind of guys but… ”
“But what? ” I said.
She took a time as if she wanted to run. “We was a good boy when we met for the first time. I felt something special, new in my life. It was like I woke up in the morning and a key for my new house was just there, waiting for me. We passed a long, awasome, wonderfull moment together till he decided to go abroard. I felt first disappointed. To see how can a person whith whom we have sheared everything under the sun could take a sudden decision like that. ”
I could directly take her in my hands. The way she was. I couldn’t. I was not so close to her to tell her, “oh, I am so sorry. Please come here. I will take you in my hands. I will give you what he didn’t give you. I will sing a song for you when you will be listening the beats of my heart. ”
“Before he went, ” she said, “he promised me a comeback that will make me changed and forgotten all that time he was not there for me. ”
I was waiting for a all men are the same.
“But men are like they are. At the beginning when I reached abroard, he said that I missed him. I thought it was true till I had discovered that he had changed his facebook account. On his display picture was a new face. ”
I was just sitting. Listening what was going on. What she was talking about. I could see in her a desperated beautifull life. Then I concluded, “love is really a ocean. When you get inside, you overwhelmed yourself. Impossible to get out from. ”
She looked beside, I didn’t know what she was trying to catch but didn’t.
“He told me he realised that I was really absent. He will never forget me. But what happened next was the opposite. ”
A second after a new sms rung on her phone. I didn’t know who was that one who wanted my death. She even didn’t read. Just a look on the phone.
“That is why I decided to stay like this, ” she said.
“How? ” I said. “Beautiful? ”
“No, ” she said with a bit smile comforted.
“So how? ” I said.
“A single young girl, ” she said.
“That is why you wear that ring? ” I said.
“No, ” she said. “This is just… ”
She took a little time before she said, “just for my appearance. ”
“Anyway, ” I said, “it is working. Don’t worry. ”
“What is working? ” she said.
“Your appearance, ” I said.
“How that? ” she said.
“I think the one who let you alone lost his chance, ” I said.
“But I still watching his face passing in front of me everytime I meet a boy or someone doing something he used to, ” she said.
“Like what? ” I said.
“I won’t tell you, ” she said.
“Why? ” I said.
“Because I don’t want to live that again, ” she said.
I felt our conversation was going outside even away from my aim. We were already talking about her life. So I didn’t know how to take her back again to my way.
“You will forgot all that, ” I said. “You have just to find someone who can help you. The solution to that is to have someone you can really love. Then you will realised that you didn’t love that man”
“I don’t want to find, ” she said. “That is the problem. ”
“You are affraid, ” I said. “You don’t want to get into that situation. Who told you it will be like that? ”
I took sometime. “I remember one guy. He coached my brother for his last project. Once my brother was in his office. He saw some women coming with food. ”
“Put there, ” the coach said.
“Where? ” one of the women said.
“On the table, ” he said.
“Ok, you will pay $5, ” the woman said.
“What!!?? ” he said with a strong sight on me. As I was the source of the matter.
“$5, ” she said.
“You are not serious! ” he said.
“I… T…will…cost…you… $5…for…this… Service, ” she said.
“Ok…ok I accept, ” he said.
“I will pay you after I finish, ” he said.
“This time I hope you won’t forget, ” she said.
Of course this guy was a kind of … I even think there was something wrong in his head. He usually forgot many things.
Once there was a ceremony at the university. He was invited. Someone brought for him two breads. He was just sitting at the bottom of the class.
“Here are your food coach, ” the student who brought breads said.
“Ok putt on the table over here behind, ” the coach said.
The table was really just behind him. We was concentrated on his laptop so that he didn’t have time to see the breard he started to eat. He was just turning around, without looking at breads, with his arm, he took any bread and eat. At the end who realised that he was eating both two bread at the same time. Maybe he even wonder who brought me another new bread. He had forgotten that there was two breads for him.
When one of the women said that she hoped he wouldn’t forget, I thought to.
“No, ” the coach said, “I won’t. ”
He look at me, “come, serve yourself. ”
“I am sorry coach, ” I said, ” I am full. ”
“Of what? ” he said. “Water? ”
“Of course food, ” I said.
“Come, ” he said.
“Sorry coach, ” I said, “I can not. ”
“Ok, ” he said, “you will die yourself with hunger. ”
“No problem, ” I said, “I am told that often. ”
He start eating. With a small sound from his throat when he was gulping. It was like a pig gaming walking in mad. Boring!
“So, ” I said.
He looked at me, “so what? ”
“There is something wrong, ” I said.
“Something wrong where…how? ” he said.
“That fact for the women to bring food for you, ” I said, “in your office. ”
“What do you mean man? ” he said with an unearth sight.
“I meant…” I said, “you don’t think that it would be safe the food your wife brought you than that brought by those women. ”
“You are young man, ” he said, “the world is something you have to learn more and more. Do you think they have putted something wrong inside. ”
I just shutted my mouth before he said, “thoughts create facts. ”
I looked at him, “coach, have missed something? What does that thoughts create facts mean exactly? ”
“You can become what you want, ” he said.
“What I want or who I want?” I said.
“Choose yourself, ” he said, “which one you have to become. ”
“Just explain it to me please, ” I said.
“That means whatever you think it can happen to you, will probably happen, ” he said. “Or what happens to you right now happens because you thought about in the past. What happens to us is a consequence of what we thought to. If you think those women had put something in this food, so it might be. And
if you think you will die, so it will be. ”
I just sit down, listening to the great man. “You can become who you want in the world. You can change the bad things those are happening to you to good things. For that don’t be so negativist. ”
She was just listening to my story. I mean, Jenny. When she told me she wanted to live that situation, I just imagined what will happen when I will say that I wanted her my life. Or she was the missing piece of the puzzle. It was a king, maybe to say, “anything you want to do, know that you are already sucked. ” it was not directly but there is no good way to say politely than to say things in general. Like all men are the same…you know this time I am alone because I have tried many people but I didn’t find a good one.
Another girl told, “boys are like trousers, we have to test all on our way before we decide which one to take. The truth is because there was no one who came for you.
I knew one girl who told me something like that, “I think I have to stay alone for a moment. ”
“Don’t forget that time is running, ” I said.
“I know, ” she said.
It was a kind of telling me. “You have to do more effort to show that you love me. To suffer. ”
I think all men are not the same. For me for exemple it is easy. You accept or you reject my request than to start testing me. Because maybe I am lazy to try and try and try. At last I will say, “maybe I am fighting in the battle I had already lost a long time ago. I have no chance here. Let try another place.
Sometime we are our own adversary. We reject someone who was building a better future because of our rules. Just to test.
“Till when? ” I said.
“Till I decide to end it, ” save said.
“Time is running miss, ” I said.
“Yeah, ” she said, “for everybody. ”
“Yeah, ” I said, “for everybody of course but for girls it different. ”
“How that? ” she said.
“A girl told me that she would like to get married before 25, ” I said. “What about you? ”
“To get married is not the end of the world, ” she said.
“I know, ” I said with a smooth voice as I was whispering. “And i can assure you that is the begining of another kind of problems. But you know why she told me that? Because she wanted to see someone calling her mum. What about you? ”
I could see her sight turning down. As someone to know it was said that her brother died. I imagine what i have been saying could do a girl. But that is life. We have to do more before the time decides to keep us down. We have to do what we can at the time that it stills possible.
I approach her ears, she was trying to think about what I did. I whispered, “Can I offer you a drink? ”
She looked at me for a time. Through my sights. As she wanted a kiss. Her lips were just a bit opened. “No, thank you. ”
“Why? ” I said.
“Because, ” she said.
“Because what? ” I said.
“Because I … ” she tried to say when the weather had already changed.
She couldn’t say anything. She was saved by the groumbling of the thunder. It was a bit dark. We were only both at the accused banch. All others students was already gone. I felt the time passing quickly. But I didn’t realised. All my mind was about the astonishing beauty I had in front. I couldn’t even realise the darkness that appear as quick as it appeared.
A sudden small rain. “We have to find somewhere where to escape from this rain. ”
“Ok, ” she said. “Over there. ”
I let her decide where to escape. I was just a spectator. Slave even. We took two minutes before we reached.
“Everything good, ” I said while she was died with cold.
“No, ” she said, “as you can see. ”
I removed the coat I was wearing, putted over her attractive body. I did as possible as I could to do not avoid my hands passing by.
“Thank you, ” she said.
“No, ” I said, “it’s my pleasure. ”
She took a bright smile. “You are galant. ”
“Yes, ” I said, “but just for you. ”
She looked at me again. Smiling.
“What about you? ”
“Don’t worry, ” I said, “as you accept to stay with me for a time, I have to protect you. ”
“I can protect myself you know, ” she said.
“Yeah, ” I said, “I can see it. ”
With a through sight on me, I could hear her voice deep inside. “Be with me. ”
She was shy. She couldn’t be abme to pronounce those words. I looked at her also. She was a bit shaking. “Come close to me. ”
She didn’t say anything. She just looked again on me, through my eyes while she was approaching. She took a bit time. “Here it’s ok? ”
“If it’s comfortable for you, ” I said, “then it is for me. ”
I pulled her a little. She didn’t even react.
I could notice her temper changing. She looked again on me. Right for a while as I had to do something to calm her… I don’t know what. I looked at also.
It took sometime. My eyes on her, hers on me. Too close each other. Speaking deep inside each one. She kissed me for a second.
“Hey… Hey… Hey Voyant”
I woke up as someone from koma. “I kissed her, ” I said with a loud voice. “What’s wrong with you? ”
“You will be late for your exam, ” my brother said with a strong voice.
“Which exam? ” I said.
He laughed for a while. “Yours! ”
“Oh, yeah! ” I said.
I looked at the watch near, on the table. It was 8:00. That day the exam was at 8:30.
I woke up as quick as it was.
“Slowly, ” he said. “You will injure yourself. ”
I didn’t even want to know what he said. Quick in the kitchen. Looking for the bucket for water.
“Where is the bucket? ” I said with a loud voice. Even people passing by could hear.
No one react.
“Look in the kitchen, ” a voice said.
“I am in the kitchen now, ” I said to that voice. I even didn’t know where it came from.
“Then I don’t know, ” it said.
I went to look outside, maybe someone had kept it there.
There was someone in the bathroom.
“Someone is there? ” I said while knoking the door.
“Hmmh! ” the person said.
It was my mom.
“Wait a second, ” she said.
“I am late mom, ” I said with a beaten voice.
“Who told you to woke up late, ” she said.
“I have an exam, ” I said.
“It’s not my problem, ” she said.
“Then I will fail, ” I said.
She opened the door. “You should wke up early morning. ”
I took the bucket, without saying anything and went to take water.
Three minutes late I was washing my body. It took me five minutes to finish. I went immediately to change clothes. I looked for my ID and receipts. Which were just on the table near the bed. My clothes were already prepared the day back. Shoes were just under the bed. I didn’t have to check.
I was ready with everything.
“Who can give his pain? ” I shouted.
No one reacted. “Anyway, I take this. ”
I didn’t know whose the pen on the table was. I took it and runned away.
Outside, I met my brother who woke me up. “See you. ”
“See you. ”
I oppened the door and went for the exam. Just 3 steps forward.
“Hey Voyant, ” a smooth familiar beautiful voice said.
I looked behind. “Hi. ”
“Hi, ” she said.
“How are you? ” I said.
“Good, ” she said with a smile. “Maybe you. ”
“I’m ok, ” I said, “than never. ”
“You have an exam? ” she said.
“Yes, ” I said.
“I was looking for you yesterday, ” she said.
“About what Anne? ” I said.
She was the first one who broke my heart into not 5 but many small pieces I couldn’t even count.
“Yesterday, ” she said, “I had a party but I wanted someone to be with me. ”
“So you thought about the one who hates you the most. ”
“Listen Voyant, ” she said, “I didn’t want everything that —. ”
“Please, ” I said, “I have an exam and I don’t want to be in a bad mood. Please can we separate ourselves here? ”
“Why? ” she said.
“Because that’s what you did, ” I said.
She was so beautiful that every time I was near her, I was trying to beg ber pardon as I had done something wrong. Of course it’s her who broke up for another guy.
“Bye, ” I said as I did the first step far from her.
She stayed there looking as I was going far from her. Sometime it is not easy to see the one who you really love, who you wanted to be with your life along, going far from you.
Ten minutes later, I was in the school groung. All my friends, classmates were already there. They used to take a banch for them. They were talking about nonsense most of time.
“Hi guys! ” I said.
“Hello… Hello… Hello… ” voices coming from everywhere.
“Ready for the exam? ” I said.
“Today you will tell all the answers, ” a woman voice said behind me. “Yes, ” I said, “don’t worry. ”
I looked behind again. It was like someone was calling me but I didn’t know from where. Someone special I couldn’t be able to see.
A little bit far, I saw the girl from my dream. She was coming where I was. I felt all my feelings coming up. I even tried to get back home, looking for a coat, just welcome her near me. I looked at her, she was same as my dream. But one detail, she perfectly made. She looked at me again and say, “hey Rohan. ”
I felt like a baseball bat had been used to me. I wanted even to fall down. I didn’t know why I was still standing up.
Rohan was our chief. He was just standing behind me. He was even not interested in the girl’s whatever she was doing.
Rohan looked at her. “Hei Jenny. ”
“I was looking for you yesterday, ” she said.
“Here I am, ” Rohan said. “For what? ”
“I will tell you after exam, ” she said.
“Ok, anyway this is —”
He didn’t let Rohan finish his sentence to introduce me. He had gone.
I looked at Rohan. “I kissed her in my dream. ”