Almost five years has passed since I bid you my last goodbye. You left and never bothered to keep in touch and I never complained. I always knew that for you, your dreams were more important than anything else – then and today.
I feel so proud seeing you on the cover page of that business magazine. I look at it every night before going to sleep. It makes me feel an inch closer to you.
I must tell you that the good bye was extremely hard. It was almost impossible to hold back my tears when you wrapped me in that last hug at the airport before turning towards the entry gate. I tried to wear my perfect happy smile when you left. Soon after you went inside, I felt like sending you a message and telling you how your departure made me feel but my conscience stopped me from doing that. You wanted no distraction so who was I to become one or maybe it was feeling of rejection that stopped me from confessing my feelings to you.
The passion with which you chased your dreams was the prime reason that pulled me towards you. Least did I know that the feeling is going to grow stronger and deeper. I got the realization when you told me about your selection. The feeling of not being able to see you, meet you and talk to you; made me feel empty from inside. It was like as if a space is been made for someone and then left empty, purposeless and without notice.
I sulked, cried, screamed in solitary. That was indeed the most difficult time of my life. After you left, the loneliness grew stronger and graver. I read and re-read all the mails and messages that we exchanged, looked at pictures that we shared. I kept on re-visiting the places that we went to when you were around. I ordered food as if you were with me and always ate double my capacity. I stopped studying, going out, meeting with friends and talking to my family.
My final year results came out and I failed the exam gracefully by scoring the lowest grade of my life ever. That was the time I got the realization that I am being unfair to myself. I loved you because of your dreams; now I am spoiling my own because you are out there trying hard to achieve yours. It made no sense.
I got goose bumps and I shivered with fear thinking how ashamed you will feel if you got to know about all this. I let you go for a concrete purpose which was surely more important than us being together. So why to sulk over it? I decided to took a hold of my life and channelize the pain and loneliness into doing something meaningful.
Next year, I completed my degree and topped the exams too. When I got the trophy, I somehow felt your presence around me, smiling at me and applauding with proud. There was no looking back after it. I kept on achieving my life’s goals and crossing each milestone one after the other.
My love for you was greater than the urge to be with you. I never had you so I can never lose you either. You are always with me, in the box of memories locked safely inside my heart.
Once in a while, I shed a few droplets thinking how life would have been if you were actually around but I let that feeling go with a smile thinking about my current life which isn’t that bad either in your physical absence.
My pain is my biggest strength. It has made me stronger and better. I don’t look at love as a selfish feeling but rather a feeling of fullness and wholesomeness.
Love comes in many forms and attributes. It is never always meant to be between two people. Love is like that beautiful butterfly, when it comes and sits on your palm, if you grip it up to keep it with you, it will die soon in your own hands and separate itself from you.
I loved you enough so I let you go. Because in some cases, letting go is hard but holding on is even harder.