I took one hard look at it. One last time I told myself. I had said that too many times before. It had corroded my insides like the corals at the sea bed. The time had arrived. I had to recover from the porous surface that hid my true self. I had to fill myself up again with new strength. But I had to throw it away now. It had stayed with me for too long, 3 years to be precise. As much as I did not want to part with it, because I thought it was a part of me, an intimate secret which I would hold on to forever, which would stay with me as long as I breathe. I had thought the same about him.
I had fallen in love with it, the very moment that he gifted it to me. The thick black plastic dots, woven into the orange metal triangle; making it so vibrantly aloof from all my other ear rings. Others were made of gold, pure and shiny. This was the only plastic one, the only artificial one that I owned. It was phony, just like him. And now I was going to trash this one, just like all the memories I had with him.
It was just an earring, no big deal. No one even noticed that I had it with me. Black coloured it was, I hated the colour because it reminded me of an end. Everything that I shared with him had come to an end. I always knew it would. Just that I never accepted it. Black was also the colour of a dark night which was followed by the bright golden dawn. Just like the day of the accident. He survived. So did I! But my right leg did not.
“I loved you. God, I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you. I would have given you everything I had to give if you’d only let me a little.” – Vows and the Vagabond by Karen Weisner.
Everything had vanished, just like he had. Earlier, when we spent time together, the road to intimacy was faster than a speeding bullet. It didn’t matter if it was the hot boiling summers that were melting us into one or the icy rain racing through our hearts when our bodies stood as one, dripping with limitless longing. I did not need to be told but I knew and believed that with him by my side, life was at the pinnacle of all happiness. The warmth of his arms over my shoulders felt like I was protected by a thousand shields. His smile gave my heart the light of a thousand stars. It kept my face glowing radiantly, feeling I was standing at a furiously high peak tipped with insane ecstasy.
Today, here I am standing on one good leg on the terrace of the tallest building near my house. Thankfully the lift was working today. So I could reach up so high. I rose from the old, thin cane chair that I was sitting on. It seemed a miracle the chair never got blown away in the gusts of wind that swept the terrace, especially on an evening like this. In an attempt to get up without falling, I stretched out my hand. I stood up and walked. I limped a little, till my hand found the crutches that were right beside me. It was more of a habit. I am talking about the limping. I knew I could walk quite a bit without the support now. I still couldn’t walk on my own. With more practice, I definitely could. I will. It was high time I did.
I clutched the earring so tightly in my palm that the metal spokes of the triangle almost hurt me. But the pain was far lesser that the hurt he had caused me when we broke up.
“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience and two people who want to be together.” – SumNanQuotes/tumblr.
I remember reading these words somewhere. I tighten my grip over the earrings, this time more in rage than in regret. I am still so deeply in love with him, restless as the waves of the deep grey sea rolls in to unite with the rocky shores. My heart aches for him, every minute of the day. But today, I discovered that he is already married. I saw his family picture with his new born child on the social networking site. He is doing well for himself. What about me now? I was ready to give up everything which was so important to me. It was like a fish giving up water. I could feel my eyes brimming up with the salty tears, some of which had already spilled down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I sighed. I flung the earring up in the air. It went straight down like a man plunging to his death from the skies without a parachute. It crashed too. I heard it crack. Oh! Of course I know it will not break. It’s not made of glass. I slowly started letting go of my crutches.
I must jump too. I can’t live without him. Not anymore. No use waiting I felt my body shiver. I forced myself to look down from the haunting height. The wind was heavy, strong and was pushing me towards the edge of the terrace. I was shaking like a tree with dried leaves. I looked down, craning my neck to see. I did not look for the earring. I wiped my tears with the back of my sweaty palms. The faces of my parents, my siblings, my friends flashed before me like movie slides. It worked like an iron on my wrinkled nerves. I will not die I suddenly resolved. He was not worth it.
“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely” – Henry Ford.
I turned around and walked back towards the lift. No limping this time. I tried to feel my lips curve into a smile. I could not. But I had decided to live for those who loved me and lived for me, not for those I had loved and lost.
With each step forward, I shuddered at the thought of what I did not do. Why was I even thinking of it? I don’t know. Just a weak moment I guess. Thank goodness that weak moment made me stronger!