‘I am my own enemy’ thought the man. The anguish and fury of the thought could be clearly seen on his face. His inner self was in such turmoil, devouring his senses, with such naturalism, as if it was about time he should go insane. He knew the source of the cause, his self made destruction, but he was helpless and enervated as he had been for past twenty years, an imperative slave. He rose up from his chair, where he had been sitting dejectedly after yet another failed endeavor, before the thought had occurred to him. Already aware with the notion ‘acknowledge, confront and resolve’, which he had acquired from the strife in his previous attempts, he was once again subdued by his own thought, this one being different from the present context. When at first, after returning from work, he sat on the chair there was nothing in his mind and he looked obscurely through the window to the outside. Then suddenly, as if through some explosion, some convulsive thoughts came to his mind (one of which is a matter of concern in this subject) the juggernaut of which savagely devoured his frailly threaded sensibility, which up to now had been his only saving grace against the tyranny of his mind.
He moved towards the window totally overcome by delirium and fits of rage. ‘it should end, it can not go on’ he thought, unable to see what was outside. He was amazed by the idea how his source can be the originator of both the problem and solution itself. It seemed to him that such a paradox existed because of the division of his brain into two parts which acted as two different worlds to him and the one to which he was accustomed was full of delusions and forebodings, the other one he visited seldom and felt a complete stranger to the place though he longed to be there. He went in to reminiscent of a time when he was there. Yes, there were few.
During his childhood he used to stray slyly with his friends in the streets and lanes of the city, sneak in to derelict places to play games which sometimes they themselves could not comprehend. It was all so joyful, blissfully passing time. So many memories, there were many. In fact his whole childhood had been jaunty. No.. not only his childhood there were more such moments when he was young. The world to which he is accustomed now was not known to him then, not ever, until one day he got acquainted with reason. A reasoning based on misjudgment, without any contemplation and imbued with reproach had made him falter on his own accord and there was a profound conviction in his thought that it was, on all accountability, not solely his fault. It was rather a trap in the labyrinth of those reasoning in which he was caught.
He felt uneasy at this remembrance and wanted to escape it. He wouldn’t recall it, never.
With all his wits and courage he tried to distract his thoughts from the memories of the past but failed in his endeavor. The agony was becoming unbearable. It seemed as if his brain would explode into tiny fragments any moment now, it will all end in a flash. This entire affliction will be gone and he will finally reach a place of relief and peace (this is what he thought of the end), a place which will be similar to this one but with the difference that there he will have a free and unblemished soul; he will not be a slave. Just the end has to come. ‘but how? How is this ever going to end?……… yes, I know how it will end and I will do it’ this thought brought up a malicious smile on his wretched thin face. Now what was needed was only a bit of audacity on his part, as for the first time in his parched and futile life he was going to betray his master.
‘Now I’ll be free, forever’ He gazed outside once more through the open window, his pathway to the utopian place to which he had been refrained so far. Now his vision was clear. He could now discern the distant view, the little shimmering lights like tiny dots filling up the spaces emerging from the dark night sky, which had failed him up till now.
He once again wandered into his past, the past he yearned to live so vehemently, carefree and aesthetic. And there he was in the fields so open so vast beneath the myriad blue sky, playing with his friends, blabbering words which meant most value to them (although not understood by elders). He was an unrivaled and unparalleled king in whose realm happiness was the only motif for his actions and any misfit if ever occurred would be eliminated without a trial, in a flash. Although he was often rebuked for his escapades which were many times a cause of concern for others but he was certain of the understanding that those instances were merely frivolous, incapable of causing any harm. But now it was the contradictory, by the matter of same understanding.
‘Maybe this new age is unaware of such feelings. Ignorance is much better in this place’ he thought with repugnance.
A harmonica bell was serenading in his mind almost dreamlike when suddenly a loud thud broke away his reverie. The sound was as if some heavy object has fallen to ground. There were murmurs outside which were gaining crescendo, people had gathered around the object like eagles do around a dead body. Yes, definitely something had fallen and it had fallen, in front of his eyes while he was gaping at a distant dream, from the roof of his building just above his room. He had failed to notice because he was completely occupied in his thought but now even he didn’t bothered to look out because he knew what misfortune has occurred.
‘Another man has fallen’
Another one of those abject and despicable creatures like him has put it to an end. They have been doing it for ages, from the time he could understand they have kept falling like raindrops, wetting the earth with their blood, redeeming themselves with a holy act of atonement. They all die for trifle reason, without an understanding as much as himself. He moved away from the window devoid of any thought and kept still and calm for a few moments. Then, as if some glimmer in the sky had lightened his mind, he exhaled out all his agony and anguish entrapped in him with a long breath and said to himself with diffidence
‘Maybe I have time’