A Funny Poem – I took her on a date to hell
Photo Credit: www.cepolina.com
I had tables booked for two,
But at the gate a demon said,
Sir wait the guests are not yet through!
She looked at me askance then said,
“So this is where you have brought me!
What sins did I commit that I have
Such exalted people for company?”
I looked around and true enough,
There sat Mussolini with Hitler,
And behind them all the Borgias,
Were out for a family dinner.
I tried to tell her then,
How easy the reservation had been,
I called the restaurant and they were
Very eager to let me in!
Besides the price,
Was really nice,
The waiter just needed my soul!
And since I had no cash on me,
I decided pay the toll!
So here we are,
The date in hell,
The room is stifling hot.
But no matter what,
It will definitely keep the food warm,
Besides my love just bear with me,
I will order a few cool drinks,
And soon we’ll forget the hot misery.
Soon a table was vacated,
Me and my date were then relegated,
To a bitter corner of “HELL”,
( Yes that’s the name no imagination I tell!)
And we were unceremoniously popped in place,
A menu in our hands and a look on her face,
“I hate you”, she breathed,
“Why bring me here?”
“Quiet my love, the waiter is here!”
“I am sorry for the delay”, the waiter said,
“What can I get you? Some pasta and bread?”
She looked at me daggers, I had to look away,
On a nearby table some Nazis gorged away.
“How about some water”, I said
“Will that be okay?”
The waiter said, “I’m afraid we don’t serve that”
“Only potent red wine here”
“Is it cold?” I asked sheepishly.
“Not that I know of sir!”
She looked at me angrily.
“Bring it any way, we will take it”
“Talk about yourself”, she said
“I hate it!”
We sat for a miserable 5 minutes in hell,
She fidgeted with the menu,
And I sweated myself.
A candle light dinner was what I had in mind.
The whole room glowed for no reason,
But it wasn’t divine,
Neither was it romantic,
Nor was it gay,
Yet the other patrons seemed happy,
I suppose it was their way.
There were people in here one would not be proud to know,
Then there were me and my date,
Quite inconspicuously so.
Finally then the waiter sauntered back.
“Oh good you are here!” I said,
“Is it the wine waiter? Or something else?”
“Yes sir, it’s the wine”, he said
“Just let it breathe awhile!”
And saying so he propped on the table,
an exhausted living pig and a knife.
“What am I supposed to do with these?” I said.
“Why sir! Prick his neck and pour, loveliest red wine ever bled!”
My date was by then in a fit of rage,
She apparently had understood better than I had!
“What is this a joke? Why is the room not cool?”
“And why is this pig on the table still? The jest is not working!”
The waiter eyed us both wearily but decided to beat a hasty retreat,
Lest he be caught in the overpowering heat,
Emanating from the woman sitting right in front of me,
Giving me looks which would have killed me instantly,
Had not that pig still been resting between her and me!
“Darling”, I crooned
“I will make you an offer!”
“I apologize for this date”
“But here is what we will do after”
“As soon as we are done”
“I will take you to a shop”
“buy some trinket for yourself”
“It’s the least you could want!”
This apology did work,
But left me worried,
I had no money, and none to work with!
Still she quieted down a little,
And got back to the menu,
At which point the waiter came back,
And asked me for my order.
“The lady first my man!” I tried to please her.
She ignored my comments, she wasn’t making it any easier.
She asked to see the chef, she needed a specific order,
I rolled my eyes, but kept
My mouth shut lest I further bother her.
“Sure ma’am”, the waiter said,
“I will just get him,”
“He loves talking to the patrons,”
“I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!”
He said this with a sneer,
And she didn’t read that,
But I couldn’t even fret,
I was terribly in the wrong here.
Finally he arrived,
the chef of hell.
The waiter made the introductions,
“Here is SATAN for you!”
I laughed at that,
“Are you like the Satan from hell?”
“You’re dining in it!”, he said
She murmured,” And I couldn’t even tell”
He laughed evilly at that,
But said nothing.
“What’s your order ma’am?”
“Is it a special something?”
“Yes”, she said,” do you have anything in salads? I’m on a diet.”
He looked affronted at that but said,
“Sure ma’am, what do you desire?”
“I’d like some lettuce, and a dash of carrots”
“And some beans if you have them”
“But do not add any radishes”
“Oh and I do hate tomatoes”
“but not so much”
“So add some here and there”
“But keep it even as such”
He nodded and waited for the order to be over,
She spoke a little more,
and then Satan was gone.
“My order?” I mumbled meekly behind,
“Oh hell with it”, she said,
“You can have some of mine if you want.”
We waited a while,
In that beautiful awkward silence,
I avoided her gaze,
If looks could kill, I would have dropped dead I didn’t doubt it.
The order soon came, it was not to her liking,
She asked for Satan again,
He came in bouncing.
“What is it?” he said,
“The order is like you said”
“Not exactly” she shouted,
“DO you see any lettuce on the plate? I doubt it!”
“We ran out of lettuce but we added beef instead,”
“You’ll like it better”
“Plus you are too skinny as it is, it’ll make you fatter.”
She blushed at that one but was still angry,
I had my head in my hands, I was all too weary.
She simmered and glowed now abnormally so,
She scratched her chin once and shouted some more,
Then Satan got fed up,
He burned her to the ground,
“Oh hell with her!”
“She deserved that, it’s sound!”
Then the waiter apologized for the inconvenience caused,
I sat dumbfounded while he cleaned her ashes with his paws.
“Not again”, I whispered,
“I’m an idiot”, I said.
And got back from there, before he got the check.
***
