Garden Of Memories

I still remember it like it was yesterday. Driving the car, we were just having the time of our lives before that one curve took everything from me. It has been thirty seven years but even now that memory haunts me. I was eighteen when I lost my best friend, my only friend in a car crash, I was in the car too but got off with just a couple of scars, one which is still present on my back. It serves as a sign of guilt, I had been driving the car but it was Daniel who had paid with his life. No one blamed me, not even Daniel’s own parents.

It was the opposite car driver’s fault. They all said this but it had not helped. I was angry, guilty, not even one soul present at his funeral understood that I wanted someone to tell me that it was my fault, that I should have been more careful. There are these moments in your life which decide what path you shall take in the future. I had two such moments. One of these was Daniel’s death the other was something similar, a bit too similar for my taste.

On the 13th of January my parents, my wife and child were coming to join me in our new home but the plane could not make it safely to the surface with the same number of people that had boarded it. There were eight survivors. I wanted to give up then and there, wanted to embrace death. I lost so much I had no reason for existing, but I found one at least temporarily, my son Chris was alive. If I was gone who would take care of him, so I locked all the sadness all the darkness , the tears in a box and threw away the key.

I gave him every bit of love left in me. I wanted to give him the best of everything. Finding a suitable job was difficult after hearing how many loved ones I had lost, everyone looked at me as if I was a wounded puppy, something you want to sympathize with but you don’t want it near you. Sometimes I lost all hope, I wanted to go to my wife, my parents and my friend. But Chris……. I needed to stay strong. I was hired by a software company at my boss’s request, besides Chris he was the only person alive who believed in the then me. I gave Chris everything I could give, I never spent anything on myself unnecessarily.

I thought I had moved past my past troubles but I have not. Chris is now twenty five, married to an amazing woman. I wonder if now is the right time because after so many years I am standing at the same spot. I have to choose. Should I choose the left path or the right one? Should I go down the path I have travelled before or should I choose the one I want to travel on?

“Maybe I need another opinion” I say to myself. I wear my coat. Lock the house, get into the car and drive down to Chris and Crystal’s house.

I reach the house and I see Chris and Crystal coming out. They are dressed. Oh! I just remembered, it’s their second anniversary. I look at them, they are laughing, they seem happy I don’t wish to ruin the mood. I am just about to turn around when Crystal sees me, she waves at me,I curse myself then wave back. I get out of my car and go over to them

‘Hey! Dad. What are you doing here?’

‘Uhhh’ I need to come up with an excuse ‘I was just passing by thought I’d check in with you.’

Even as I say it I can clearly hear the lie. Chris glances at Crystal they both look worried. I hope my expression doesn’t give me away ‘Anyway I should just go’

‘No’ I look at Crystal ‘umm…..I want to use the washroom. I might take some time.’ She turns towards Chris and says ‘Why don’t you show your Dad the new park around the corner, it’s finally finished.’ She then hurries back indoors.

Chris smiles faintly and then starts walking away, in the direction of the park, I follow him.

First few seconds we are just walking in silence then he says

‘You look……different’

‘Different?’

‘Yeah. I mean you look….look’ He shrugs and gives up ‘Is something bothering you?’

Yes, something is bothering me, I think but out loud I say ‘No, it’s just that..umm..’I pause wondering what it is that I want to ask. Do I want his approval? Do I want someone to help me? Or have I already made my decision and I just want to see him- ‘for the last time’

‘What? I didn’t catch that. ‘

I make up my mind ‘I wanted to tell you that you might not see me around.’

‘Why? You going somewhere? ‘

‘Yeah. I’m going on a..a break.’

Chris let out a small laugh.’ You don’t need to tell me that. You are going to be coming back.’

I didn’t answer, partly because I myself didn’t know what to say and partly because I was wondering what I was doing.

‘You are coming back right’

Again I dont say anything. Chris is now looking at me with a very curious expression almost as if he knows but he couldn’t possibly predict my actions. He looks down, he is concerned, at least I think he is but I’m surprised by his next words

‘I’ll miss you’

‘What?’

‘I’ll miss you’

‘I heard what you said. What do you mean?’

‘ I think it means that I’ll miss you. See, you took care of me for all those years and now its time you look after yourself. Sure it’ll be weird not having you around but after sometime things would go back to being normal.’

The way he says weird it almost seems synonymous with sad. Chris looks back and says

‘Let’s not go to the park it is’nt that great, anyway Crystal would be done by now, let’s head back’

I partially register what he says I click my heel and turn around, like an army cadet. I’m thinking what Chris said about everything returning back to normal, thinking if he’s right. But he is isn’t he? If I’m gone things will change but then they would also change back. Grief, sadness, pain all would be forgotten. Time will do it’s work.

I don’t remember saying goodbye to Chris and Crystal nor do I remember getting in the car. I come to my senses. I’m taking the road that leads to my office building. I reach my destination. I park my car where I always park it but this time I don’t think I’m coming to get it back. Since I’m head manager I have the keys for all the doors. I go towards my room, stand in front of the door for two minutes and then push inside. I open my desk drawer, there is a small yellow notepad there, it was a gift from Lavinia, my wife. I tear a single page in the hope to write a letter to my loved ones hoping to explain what I would be doing why I would be doing it.

In the end I scribble two words on it put in my chest pocket, shut the door to my room and get inside the elevator, I press the last button. I think back all the years I worked here never, not even once did I leave the office without worries. I was always scared of what was coming next, scared of change but not tonight, tonight I was leaving all my worries behind. The one night I should be panicked I’m calm. With the familiar ding I know I’m there, I step outside . I’m on the roof. There is a pleasant breeze blowing. I walk towards the railing and step over it. It’s dark and no one sees me. I just stand there holding on to the sides. Breathing in and breathing out.

Funny when I should be feeling fleeting emotions I just feel..empty. I think of my family and of my best friend and after all these years I’ll finally be able to see them. To him I can apologise for the mistakes I made in the past and I get to tell Lavinia about Chris and I get to hug my parents. With this in my mind I let go and just fall.

There’s now a whistling sound in my ear, it’s annoying. Falling doesn’t seem to be as scary as it should be. I brace myself for the impact but it never comes instead I fall asleep.

 

My eyes are opening. It’s bright. My head feels light but my body heavy. I stand up and look around. It’s a white space. No wait. Something is appearing. It’s a park…a garden and ‘It’s so beautiful’. Words cannot describe how pretty it is. I walk towards it but stop as soon as I reach the entrance. A fairy garden that’s what it’s like. I don’t enter because I fear it will disappear if I do.I can hear voices. I hear voices so I try to spot people. There I see them, four of them. They don’t seem to have realised my presence. I try to shout but my voice fails me. So I stand and wait, suddenly one of them turns and notices me. My breath leaves me, my legs give away–it’s Daniel. He is still the same, same shirt, same ruffled up hair. He runs to where I am.

‘There you are’ he says

I’m staring at him

‘I thought you’ll never return’

If Daniel is here then the others, my wife and parents, will be here too and sure there they are.

They too look exactly as I remember. Lavinia and my parents are standing near my head, I’m speechless

‘You’re here.’ Lavinia says. I still don’t say anything

‘What’s the matter, son? Cat got your tongue’ My father laughs at his own joke and that does it.

Tears start rolling down my cheek. All the emotions, the feelings which had been locked up for so many years finally get the better of me. I’m crying and crying. The tears just don’t stop. Lavinia and my mother hug me and whisper in my ear-‘It’s okay’. I wipe my cheek and ask-‘Where’.

This time Daniel answers ‘Home. You went out and forgot the way home, but now you are back. You’re home.’

He holds out his hand so does my father. They are inviting me inside. I’m scared, I don’t want all this to go away but they, all of them, they are pure and if I’m tainted they will purify me. I grasp their hands firmly. They pull me up and we enter the garden, our home. We all stand in a circle.

‘Well, we were just deciding on a game.’ Says my mother

‘Cards’

‘Snap’

‘Chess’

Everyone throw in their ideas, arguing which is better. I think of the one game that I had played with all of them (separately). ‘Ringa Roses’

‘What?’ All eyes are on m. I look down,embarrassed, which old man wants to play-ringa ringa roses pocket full of poses?

To my surprise Lavinia takes my hand and says’Why not?’ she smiles. Daniel takes my other hand and parents too hold hands and then we start spinning and we don’t stop. We never stop. I am not one to complain because I’m happy. Yes….I’m happy.

–END–