It was those summer days, the scorching heat, the feel of the hot air, rays of that unbarable sun. Her body was sweating , drop by drop the sweat was leaking from her body, the fearful night where it was her loneliness and the mosquitoes which wounded her skin, sucked blood from her shrinked body. Her mind disturbed full of thoughts, confusion and at the depth of her heart somewhere there was fear growing up. She was feeling her life will come to an end today or tomorrow. It will be her last breath out from this body. She had a wish to meet her dear ones, hug them , and leave her last breath on her sons lap. But she was wondering how will it happen? Will her wish be fulfilled? Would it be possible? These all things were going on in madhura’s mind..
She was feeling thirsty , her eyes were in search of water , whom would she tell? As her throat was fully dried up like the land of the desert area..Her words remained unsaid , her son and others in the family had been out ..She was wondering that how much care even they can take, cause they were fedup of her illness..Many questions were arising in her mind, she deeply said that death shouldn’t come at the time when u are despair, when ur selfless..But rather it was her fate which did it all..
She was just messed up thinking –I had a good family background, even the best childhood, marriage, and everything was OK. .even my husband is a very lovable person….I had a daughter and a son..After their marriage they all lived far away from me, busy with their life , satisfied with everything…but the question arised “what about us “?? They were asking us to stay with them , but then we said once we turn up old we will come there itself!! Cause it’s the only place where we can go in our oldage..Saying these words everytime we sent them with a kind word..Grand children were not too attached with us as they didn’t spent a lot of time with us. In metro’s the lives of children was running out!! So how would they ever remember us in their busy schedule??
Our blessings were the only messengers to keep a connection and wish to keep them safe and achive their goals..
Now our life was almost getting over and on the other side it was the successful beginning of children’s life..
Just at this moment a thought came up saying -Why should we put our burdens and sufferings onto them and affect their life..?
In between they use to send financial help but money cannot compare the satisfaction of love or it cannot buy our close ones affection and love..
At this moment there was just an thing in mind saying life is so selfless , watever we think cannot happen in real..All relations are only for the sake of saying but at the time of help there is no one sideways…..
Even our own son after marriage has changed a lot, it was me who nurtured him and made him stand on his own legs but, now only it’s his wife’s order!!
From getting him into this world to making him stand successfully all my happiness lied..But now when I need him he isn’t there for me….What could be more painful than this??my heart questioned..
This feeling inserted an poison of hurt into my heart , and eyes thereby shead some due . I always believe that we ourselves are responsible for our own sorrows and therefore we r responsible for our happiness too, as Sandness and happiness are 2 faces of a coin respectively. So I felt to let it all go and finally live for some days which are left for me…
Days were running out faster and faster like the wheels of a bicycle .Each day passed by in the memories of the past..
Looking above through the window and hoping my children could come back here, past memories flashed my eyes.. each hour , each minute and each second was only calling the urge for my children. Feeling that they are sleeping on my lap, I’m tapping their head , letting them sleep peacefully, for minutes, watching them sleep and holding their hand tight – I felt “wow what a feeling ” but opening my eyes I realised it was a dream..Just felt that dream could be constant and my last breath could end up during that dream itself..
Thinking whether this dream of ours will become a reality we both lived with the pain each day…. with this pain one-day early morning his chest filled with unbearable pain holding my hand he said- “Madura you gave me your helping hand till the end, God gave me the sweetest beautiful loveable wife like you thats enough for me you will always stay in my heart, now its time for me to leave this world as my life gets over here,!! you go to children and spend your remaining life with them. I will always be secretly with you.. I will always look at you from the above becoming an star, you also join me soon I will be waiting for you my dear,” saying these last words there was silence all around, it was the end of his life..
Children came to me and took me along with them, my eyes were in search of him , all the time spent together so many years flashed back in minutes. The pain which was inserted in my heart , printed it’s footprints over there…
Days past by, day by day I became silent , there was no purpose of me living in this world, each day my eyes were searching him up above the sky, wondering he would be watching me from above..I couldn’t come out from his memories , every night my pillow would get wet with tears shead.
I really didn’t want to become a burden on my children’s life therefore I tried doing my best to set them free out of this bondage of me.
One day as usual it was an morning for me, that day I remembered all the memories suddenly,, thinking of this and getting lost into my thoughts I slipped up In the bathroom and had a accident , my fate was watching my patients, as i got to know I couldn’t get up , after an hour I got to know it was an bone fracture..
I was told to have bed rest and it was next to impossible for me to walk..
This time I knew my death is upcoming soon..
I still had some hope that I won’t collapse cause I had to fulfil that dream of mine..
Day by day cause of me falling sick, I became an burden on my children..
They were fed up of taking care of me every now and then….They had their own busy schedule , and I was an barrier in between it..
My son too was helpless , everytime he spoke to me he would say “amma, don’t worry I will be there for you till the very end..i will take care of you..”
But I couldn’t bare the depressed faces and mind of my son so I took a decision of telling him to leave me at my native place where I had my widow sister. I didn’t want myself to be a burden on him. Finally getting rid of all the burden my son , frustrated, came up with a decision of leaving me to my native..
I brought up my mind but deep inside I felt to stay here itself with my son..i didn’t want to leave from here but , looking myself as a burden on someone was too hard to bare..
Finally, the last night I kept thinking about all the time spent with my son here , the pain of leaving from here was already killing me from inside..
My heart was still here , it needed the essence of love, care , togetherness and affection..i told him that I will live there with the remembrance of your farther. Finally it was morning and I had to leave , just some few seconds left for me with there people. I knew deep within that these minutes are the very last minutes of mine spent with my son..
I captured this moment for a while in my heart.
Eyed filled with water , eyes didn’t wanna let those drops fall out , heart was paining due to controlling of those tears..
Sudden chill all through the body, missing the place, missing those sleepless nights , missing that window, missing those faces and my son after all…
Watching my son , saw his eyes were filled with tears, I had so many words to speak but I didn’t uttered a single word. He came to leave me till the cars door, he made me sit comfortably into the car, I was staring at the house, staring at his face, just wondering weather I will be able to meet him hence or not..Finally the last touch of him on my hand and then capturing the moment he left behind..
The car started , I looking behind at him through the window , The last sight of him and the house I looked forward..That evening I reached my native , whole journey questioning my fate!!
Few hours later..
Heart started paining, waves of memories of him and son’s didn’t let me to come out from my illnesses, what to do !! this is what my fate has brought for me?? I remained all alone in the closed room, scenarious,those memories kept on reflecting in my mind one after the other, the voice came from my heart, saying no one Is yours in this world,all relations are only for materialistic name sake..We have come alone and have to leave this insane world alone itself..in suffering in pain in hurt and finally in all the memories from birth till death.
Just like a wooden bundle left in the water each wood floats in it’s own direction having no destination.. This is true that one has to lead his life alone no matter what the situation is..My husband’s & children’s helpless faces were coming in front of my eyes, those sweet memories were filled in my heart felt like my heart got burst, unable to bare the pain , unable to acquire that feel ,unable to satisfy the urge of children’s satisfaction, unable to withstand those bad times and finally my heart screamed loudly & everything calmed down with that sweet memories , and it was my last breath.. For minutes everything was silent and finally it was my fate which up ended myself.
–END–
Manjunath S Bhandari
