I have a lot of things to say to you and I don’t know where to start…..
Well, in our 25 years of knowing each other I hardly ever told you what my heart wanted to say to you most and I will begin my letter by finally saying it. Mom,I love you. I really do. And I know you always wanted to hear it from me. My only regret is that I couldn’t tell it to you sooner.
Mom, You may have forgotten but I still remember the day you first welcomed me in your life. I was a stranger, a nobody. A mere 5 year old boy whom you found ragpicking in neighbourhood. And It still amazes me, sometimes, why you did it?
Mom, you took me, an orphan from the street and raised me as your own son. Even now it sounds like a story from a novel to me yet it is the very truth of my existence.
Mom, I remember now, clearly as a daylight, how you fought with a man the day you bought me home. Now I know who he was. Your soon-to-be husband who could have been the father of your own children… and you……. you gave it all up just for me. All so that you could call a Ragpicker your son. And I never even said a thank you for that. For giving me life. How selfish I was…
Mom, I know raising a single child was hard for you as it was hard for me to accept that I wasn’t your own son. you loved me with all your heart and never made me realise that I had no father.. that I wasn’t your son.. my classmates called me orphan.. my friends called me adopted..neighbours called me bad blood but you..you called me your son.
Mom, I still remember the first time I yelled at you. Shouldn’t have done that. It was a childish thing to do. The neighbour’s son had called me a ‘ba##ard’ and I had slapped him. You wanted me to apologise to him and I couldn’t understand why. I thought you didn’t love me because I wasn’t your son. That it was true that I was a ba##ard. I remember you cried then because of me and I was happy that you did. I thought it was your punishment to raise someone else’s child by yourself. Now I know how wrong I was…. and I can’t even ask for your forgiveness.
Mom, I remember how much I made you cry when I enlisted for the army. You were alone and dying. Your family had left you a long time ago. Younger version of you had a choice. A family, a husband and a good life or raising an orphan by yourself in this harsh world. And you chose the latter. Now the older you was suffering. It turned out to be a bad decision…….
Mom, I still remember the day I left you for the army. You were old and dying of cancer. And your only hope of life, the stupid son of yours left you in his ego… I still remember how you looked at me with those moistened eyes of yours, wishing that I’ll stop packing, that for once I’ll lie in your arms and call you mom… but I left without even looking back. How much you must have cried then.. I can’t even bare to imagine..
Mom, I always called you by your name and you longed for hearing ‘mom’ from me for once.. but I never did it.. I remember when I was in army..you sent me a letter everyday to which I never replied to… the day I received your last letter you had asked me to come see you.. on your deathbed..
And I had replied to you ‘that I can not get a leave.’ It wasn’t true mom. I never even applied for leave. I was too afraid to see you dying. Somehow I knew I was responsible for your death. I left you when you were sick. All those years, lonely and scared…how you had spent every single day, penning a letter to me was unbearable to me….
Mom, I was never a good son but you always loved me.. Even now I know you are beside me.. always watching over me..always protecting me.. if only..if only….I could have you back just for one moment…
Mom.. you don’t know how much I long to lie in your arms… to call you mom for once… to tell you that I love you… I love you with the bottom of my heart… please mom…come back…come back to your son… please…I love you mom…I love you…. if only I could just see you for once more…