As a mother, the hardest thing I ever had to do was to realize I wasn’t in the best interest for my three year old daughter. Yes, that’s possible and yes, I believe it’s the best thing I could do for her. Where you’re a single mother, you depend on few things. Family to help, your job, and keeping heat , water, food, and a roof over their heads. When things like the essentials are compromised you began to worry.
For three years, I lived forty five minutes from any family members. I lived in a cheap two bedroom apartment no matter how many times I bombed that place the bugs would come back. I cleaned like crazy and bombed monthly. Keeping the electric paid and everything on was a struggle. Just keeping the apartment together and my car going was threatening to what I needed to be for her.
The babysitter was demanding more money. Then calling me an hour before work to tell me she couldn’t babysit. Not having friends was an issue in those situations. Sadly, night shifters don’t have options for daycares in my town. I went to my boss the summer all the issues arose and requested to be moved to day shift, she denied me. I was looking for a different job but unable to go to interviews because the sitter wouldn’t keep her, and I couldn’t afford any other help.
I looked into government housing and learned quickly for a recovering addict, that wasn’t the smartest move. So has any good mom. I sat down one day, and started praying. I prayed for God to guide me, to show me a way. I prayed he would open a door for me and for my daughter. One year later, when things were getting much worse and was still getting denied from my boss. My mom came to me and asked me why I didn’t ask my sister and brother-in-law to keep her.
So, as much as it killed me I asked my brother-in-law and sister for temporary help. They denied but said they would help if they could adopt her. I had to leave her there that night though. Knowing I had prayed about it, and I knew the best thing for my daughter was to be in a safe stable home with two parents, I left her there. I cry every day because I miss her so much.
As much as I want to see her more and I want her to be able to stay with me, they don’t let her. I see her at family events where I can barely hold her. I get told constantly Im not her mom, I gave her up. All I want to say is I am HER MOM, I DIDN’T GIVE HER UP! I GAVE HER A BETTER LIFE! They wouldn’t listen though.
She knows I love her and this was what was best for her, I know this because I make sure every time I see her I tell her. She has a brightness and shine to her I had never seen before so it makes it a little easier but it stinks that she lives with my sister and they just want to act like I abandoned her and wanted nothing to do with her.
She’s my life, and I know one day she will fully understand the sacrifice I had to make for her to be in a better place. Because things have not gotten easier and things have not gotten better for me, but they have gotten amazing for her!