Mother. When I hear that I think sweet, kind , loving unconditionally. Now when I hear mother I think of hate , judgement, and distance.
At a young age I realized I wasn’t the same as the other kids. I was different. I was gay. Unfortunately I was born into a family who hated gay people. Thought their life was worthless . I knew I couldn’t tell anyone so I kept it a secret. My life from then on was just to impress my mother. I knew that once I would tell her , there would be no more love for me. I would clean , watch the kids go to church , impress her with my knowledge I knew of the bible. But I was never good enough.
I went to a place that continually told me I was going to hell. Gays weren’t worth life. THAT THEY ARE NOTHING. I was nothing. I remember being told , I should be like the other girls. It crushed me. When all I do is try and its not good enough . All a child ever wants is to be wanted and loved from their mom. She is supposed to help me when I fall or cry.
June 9/2015 my sixteenth birthday. I told my parents I was gay. I was shunned from the church my family. No One was to talk to me unless it was to say, I’m going to hell. My heart was ripped from my chest. I was told by the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally. I made her sick , I’m this horrible child who doesn’t deserve love. I woke up each day knowing I wasn’t wanted by anyone. It was as if my mom’s love just stopped.
She told the family , we should just forget about me and my little sister Rayne would now be the oldest. I cried from days . I was kicked out, I had nowhere to go , no one to hold me, no one to tell me its okay. All I wanted was a MOM. Everything I did was for her. If I was ever around her she would leave. Because I made her sick.
You know what’s sick, making your child who you would love for sixteen years, feel like death. I would wake up thinking what’s the point of life for me. That no matter how sunny the day was , it was dark to me. She called my landlord and my jobs stating why I shouldn’t work or live there. It worked. Just give me hope I would say , but I no one ever gave me any. All I wanted was her.