First Love

18 November 2015
10.30 pm

Dear Diary
Time flies by so swiftly, it feels like as if I am just a wink ahead of time. Every night when I close my eyes, to feel the dormancy, to rest, my life takes me back and runs me through my past. I feel helpless and sad, in need of someone, something that life has snatched from me or couldn’t give me. I feel void, melancholic and doomed; I question my origin, my birth….And then the time flies by in disguise giving rise to the dawn.

I turned thirty two today. I am still single. Like other girls, I too desire for a prince, to get married and lead a happy life; but my heart is still weak, still unable to cope up with my past. It is still knocking at the shadows of my past, worried about the consequences. It is too weak to make decisions, too vulnerable to fail. I love a guy, he is perfect, but still my heart quivers, I don’t know why?

Twenty years have passed by, I haven’t met Rahul since that day. I strongly want to meet him, talk to him, laugh with him, play with him like the old days. I haven’t seen Mamma since long. I strongly feel that she too wants to see me, embrace me with kisses and hugs, but I can’t unmask her cold cloak.

It isn’t that Dad is cruel to me, but he can’t take Mamma’s place. Dad has really brought me up well with loads of love and compassion, but he failed to fill the emptiness in my life. I still remember the day when my parents, Ravi Dixit and Maya Kumar, got divorced. It was a disastrous day. I don’t know what happened. I tried to contact her and persuade him, but I failed to know the truth. I still remember the last time we met. I cried a lot that day and so did Rahul, my elder brother. I was just ten then and was very naïve to understand what was happening. But after that day, I never met my mother again.

She never called back. I always sat near the telephone, waiting for her call, but she never called. As I grew up, I came to know what was happening, but time had passed by then and I couldn’t do much. I didn’t knew where they both had gone, lost somewhere. Recently, when I was out of Mumbai and had traveled to Kolkata for business, I saw Rahul there. Before I could catch him, he was gone.

Now I am in an expedition to find my mother, to unravel my past. To know what had happened exactly. Recently via facebook I was able to track Rahul and now I am heading to their house.
Wish me luck diary.

It was a sunny day in Kolkata. Nisha was travelling through the streets and in metros to reach the address that she had tracked- 36, Shanti Niketan, BB Ganguly street, Kolkata. After a lot of running, she finally traced the house she was searching for. She took a look at the house. It was huge, peach colored and seemed newly painted. Nisha saw the nameplate. On the white plate with black caramel font was written Mr. Sanjay and Mrs. Maya Chatterjee. Nisha felt happy on glancing at the plate. She rolled her hand over the caramel letters and closed her eyes. She felt reminiscent at their touch and tears rolled down her eyes.

She wiped her tears and stood up straight. Her yellow shirt was gleaming high, portraying her joy. She opened the main door and walked through the pavement towards the verandah. The hinges clinked as she walked through. There was deadly silence in the house. She could hear her heels tapping over the floor and sprinkling sound in the background. She saw a gardener watering the plants. She walked towards the garden and saw variety of roses. She smelt them and said “She still likes gardening.”

“Whom are you searching for?” the gardener asked her humbly.

“Is Mrs. Maya at home?” she asked him patiently.

“I am sorry ma’am, but the family has gone out for a walk,” he said “But you can wait in the library if you want.”

“Sure,” Nisha said and the gardener showed her way to the library.

The house was magnificent. The walls were adorable and full of portraits. Nisha was getting sentimental, but she waited for the gardener to leave. He left her alone in the library. She sat on the cushioned chair and stared around.
She heard the sprinkling sound retrieving and she felt relieved. She got up and went through the hallway. She saw huge portraits hung all over. She saw a beautiful picture of the Chatterjee’s hung on the white wall. She gazed at Maya and Rahul astonishingly and she cried. She touched the pictures and tried to sense them, feel them, smell them. After half an hour, she went back to the library and sat.

The maid came and offered her tea. She had tea and then she turned towards the books. There were a variety of books in the library.

“I still remember the days when Mamma would use to tell us stories at night…I miss those days. Where are you Mamma?” she whispered alone.

When she was going through the cabinet full of books, she found a musty old book behind which seemed as if no one had touched it since long. She opened the old yellow pages of the book.

“This is her journal!” she exclaimed surprisingly. She was in awe. “Should I read it?” she questioned her subconscious mind and then replied “I have come so far….” she took a long pause and started reading the journal.

 

5 August 1997
10 pm

Dear Diary
Almost three years have passed by, and I have been away from Nisha and Ravi. It feels bad, but morally I feel I have done right. Yes, it is true that I feel lonely at times, but I think that is the best that I can have.

I really miss Nisha, but I had to let her go. Day in and day out I stare at her photos and relive my memories, but still I feel empty. I wanna meet her, but I can’t. I am glad that Sanjay supported me back then and now I am happy that I will be marrying him soon.

Days seem very long. I sometimes think, why did I married Ravi? But then I can’t change the past, the mistakes. I just hope that Nisha’s future remains safe.
Good Night.

“Somethings should be kept untouched…” she whispered.
Nisha went through the journal steadily. Hours had passed by and there was no sign of her mother and brother around. She walked and decided to leave, but before leaving she went to the maid.

“How long have you been serving them?” she asked the lady in black apron.

“Longer than you can think….” she replied.

“Do you remember her talking about someone named Nisha?” she spoke in a cold tone.

“Why are you asking?”

“Tell her that Nisha came by,” she ended abruptly and left the house.

Twenty years ago

It was a merry day. On the festive season of Diwali, Nisha and Rahul were busy bursting crackers. It was a happy day, full of illuminant lights and skies. Ravi’s co-worker Sanjay had visited their house for the occasion and was having a chat with Ravi’s wife, the then Maya Kumar Dixit. It was long time since Ravi was out due to some business. He had promised Maya that he would come back on Diwali, but still there was no trace of him.

“I don’t know where the hell has he lost?” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry Maya, he will be back soon….” the man in black sherwani spoke.

“Why is it always him? Why can’t your boss send someone else for work?” the lady in pale red spit.

“I don’t know…” Sanjay said.

“This is too much…” Maya spoke and ran towards the telephone “I am calling your boss”

Sanjay couldn’t react but then all of a sudden he ran and stopped her “Don’t be so desperate, he will come soon…”

“Hmmm…I am just checking, nothing much..” she pushed him slowly and dialed the number.

The telephone rang on the other side.

“Hello, Mr. Sharma speaking”

“Happy Diwali Mr. Sharma…I am Mrs. Dixit speaking..”

“Happy Diwali Mrs. Dixit, and say.”

“Actually I wanted to know whether my husband has left Delhi or not…?”

“Oh Ravi…He left two days before only..Hasn’t he reached home yet? Quite strange…”

Maya hung the phone and started questioning Sanjay.

“Where is he?” she spoke wrathfully.

“Maya look, ….” Sanjay’s face turned pale.

“Sanjay please tell me what is happening…This isn’t the first time this is happening…What’s going on? Sanjay please…” Maya convinced him.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen next..but I think so you ought to know the truth” he uttered.

“Speak,”

“Well, he is with Shireen,” he said “at her house maybe…He told me not to tell you..but I suppose….”

“What the hell is going on between my husband and that b##ch?” Maya’s patience was at its lowest ebb and she was ready to burst.

Sanjay knew that she was serious. “Look, Maya. There is nothing going on between the two of them. Just a little bit of healthy flirting, I’d say.”

“Flirting? Healthy flirting? Really Sanjay . . .” she rolled her eyes in disgust. “That’s what you men call it? There is nothing healthy about flirting, Sanjay, not for a married man.”

Healthy flirting is a term introduced by perverted men who want to lend legitimacy to their extramarital dalliances. Flirting invariably has a sexual connotation to it.’ She got up from her seat and walked around the room gesticulating and muttering something to herself. Suddenly she stopped, turned back, looked at Sanjay and asked, “Did my husband sleep with her? You are his friend. Did he ever tell you anything about it?”

“Well…….”

“Sanjay!” she roared and the children saw her in wrath. They were scared and they ran into their rooms. “Tell me!” she held his collar and shouted.

“YES!” he said plainly.

She left his collar and was left flabbergasted. She couldn’t feel her senses, she couldn’t hear anything. She fell over the ground and fainted.

The Chatterjees came back from their walk. They seemed like a perfect family.

“Sunita…Sunita..Please prepare some tea for us,” Maya said to her maid.

“Yes ma’am,” Sunita prepared the tea and brought it in the library. Maya was going through her books and she found her journals misplaced.

“Sunita, did someone come by?” she asked the maid.

The maid nodded her head and replied “Nisha had come…” she said.

As her words entered her ears, the cup in her hand slipped and felt down.

“What?” “Yes ma’am..”

“Really?” Rahul asked in a surprised mood.

Weeks passed by. Rahul and Maya were eagerly waiting for Nisha. They knew that she would pay them a visit. And yes she did.

After two months, Nisha did return back to 36, Shanti Niketan, BB Ganguly street, Kolkata. She was in a white dress that day. Her black shiny hairs and velvety brown eyes were glimmering under the day sun. Maya was sitting on her armchair, in her garden, singing alone with the birds.

Nisha could hear her sing. She felt nervous for a while. “This is the time…” she murmured and opened the door. The black door clinked and the singing stopped.

Maya was hoping for Nisha and had closed her eyes. She could hear some footsteps approaching towards her.

Nisha sat down near her legs. “Oh Mamma!” she exclaimed her joy and put her head over her laps. Maya opened her eyes and her warm tears embraced over Nisha’s face.

“Oh my sweet baby…” she cried “I am so sorry….”

“Shh… Mamma..” Nisha shoed her “It never was your fault….”

They both remained silent for a while enjoying the nature and their thoughts. After a while they both went inside the house and sat in the hall.

“I read your journal..” Nisha said

“I am glad you did,” Maya replied and kissed her hand.

“Mamma..I don’t know what to speak….”

Maya held her hands and began “I want to say sorry first for not being there for you, but I just couldn’t afford to expend more of my emotions on Ravi, I just couldn’t. Well when I see outwards today, I feel so happy on seeing the couples. Most of my neighbors had arranged marriages and their lives are so happening and glad. But then I am not amongst the commoners, arranged marriage didn’t work out for me. It just destroyed me, destroyed you. I did love Ravi, I did love him a lot, but I was unaware of his past.

Every morning I see so many happy families around and that is what I dreamt of…but unluckily I couldn’t get that. Though I am happy now, but still there is darkness in my life. I still remember my days with Ravi. We had had our moments, but I was always kept in shadow about his reality. Later I came to know that before marriage he had had an affair with Shireen, and that he was forced to marry with me. With time I did change his feelings, but I think first love is first love. Yes, he did betray me, he did prove my love wrong, but he is still my first love.

Today I am married to Sanjay, his former best friend. I don’t know whether I made a good decision or not, but I am sure that I protected myself from being killed inside out. But in the race I lost you, and I still regret for that…And I hope so you forgive me. I never stopped loving you…But the situations made me go away from you. I am sorry again.”

“Oh Mamma…I always knew that you loved me, enough of justifications,” she smiled “Dad always gets sentimental when I take up your name, yes we love you a lot, but now I think we have come so far in our lives that it is really difficult to turn back. Anyways, you really did cheer me up for marriage, I have met my first love. You made all my doubts clear. Well I really wanted to live with you, but now I suppose it isn’t possible at all. Some things must remain unaltered…And that reminds me that I have my train in an hour, so I ought to leave.”

“Have lunch and then go..” Maya said as Nisha got up.

“Next time…” Maya smiled “I will post you my wedding card, do come” she smiled and passed through the clinking door. She stretched her arms up in sky as a free bird and walked over her way.
–END–