Tempered in Silence

Thumping footsteps were the only warning that I had before the front door slammed open and a loud voice proclaimed, “I’m home!” Several seconds later, a thud resounded in the front hall, as if something had fallen. It was immediately followed by a shattering sound.

“Oops….” the voice was a smidge quieter now. I sighed heavily guessing the picture frame hanging in the entrance hall had just been broken. Again. I looked over at Mom as she shook her head in exasperation. Really, didn’t that moron know how to keep quiet? “Don’t worry Mom! I’ll fix it!” The voice called out again. I could see Mom’s face twisting with a fond look. “I know you will Ethan! Just like you tried to fix it the other times it broke.”

The pounding of feet set through the air before a flurry of black, white and blue appeared in the kitchen. “But I can fix it, Mom! I know about this really cool wood shaving technique that Liam showed me-oh. Hey, Ben.”

“Hey.” It was amazing that the two of us were so identical but so different that another person would be hard-pressed to believe we were related. Sure, we have the surface features. Slightly tan skin, tall for our age, dark black hair that went to at least our shoulders, brightly colored eyes, small nose. Hell, we were even wearing the same school uniform at the moment. But again those were just surface observations. Humans tended to do that. People especially paid attention to Ethan’s toothy grin and my contemplative silence.

“Thought you were still at tutoring.” Ethan scratched the back of his head. I knew that usually meant he was nervous about something but trying not to show it.

“I just got back from it a couple of minutes ago.” I tried not to stare directly into his eyes. They were just like Dad’s….

“Ah.” Ethan bobbed his head in acknowledgement. Funny, he was usually more chatty than this.

“Boys!” We turned simultaneously towards Mom. Whether she had detected the growing tension between us, I don’t know. Mom was good at things like that. She gave us a tired smile and it hurt to see her so exhausted. “Could you do something for me real quick? Can the two of you go over to the Winn-Dixie and buy some soy sauce for dinner tonight? We’re all out.”

Ethan turned on his too bright smile. “No problem, Mom. We’ll get right on it.” I nodded my head in agreement. That was an easy errand. “If we leave now, we can manage to catch the Metro Rail to the north side of the city before it gets too dark.”

Mom gifted us with a thankful smile and I felt a surge of warmth from it. “Great! Here’s some money for the soy sauce. Don’t be out long, boys.”

I reached out to take the money while Ethan bounced impatiently behind me. “Come on, Ben! Let’s go already!” He rushed towards the front door. I suppressed the urge to smack him upside the head. It was slightly difficult. “Just hold on and let me put my shoes on!” I shouted after Ethan as he made to leave.

“No fighting!” I heard Mom call after us. I resisted the urge to scoff. Yeah, that will happen. Ethan has made it his life’s purpose to pick a fight with every thug, gang member and vindictive senior that hangs around our school.

After I got my shoes on, the two of us ran the path to the Metro Rail Station. As we left, I caught sight of my little sister Aurora working feverishly in her window with a Sharpie stuck behind her ear. I contemplated waving at her but decided not to. I don’t think she would notice the gesture. The station was only a few blocks away from our house, but the schedule was erratic at best. We always had to rush or else we would end up having to wait fifteen minutes for the next train. It was a pain in the ass.

We didn’t have much difficulty getting to the station. We were in better shape than most boys our age. Ethan and I managed to board the train just before it was due to leave for its next stop in Greenwood and entered an empty train car. Settling down into one of the seats covered in what appeared to be green fur, I got ready for a slightly long trip. I looked at Ethan and saw he was staring at the ceiling of the train car, his green eyes catching the overhead light. I wonder how my eyes, the mixture of blue and violet, would appear like.

I was struck by a sudden realization like a bolt of lightning into my bloodstream. This is the first time in months that I have been completely alone in my brother’s presence.

I felt a kernel of panic rise up in my chest and I brutally tried to beat it down. No, I was not going to panic at being alone with Ethan. That was a ridiculous thing to do and it is not going to happen. I share the same table with him, go to school with him, we even share the same room! We’re with each other constantly. But even with these thoughts boosting me, I could feel my fists shaking slightly in my lap. Even with all of those situations we were never truly alone. I could feel myself searching back into my memories, to the last time we were completely alone like this.

It was moments before Dad died.

It was just the three of us together. Dad, Ethan and I were heading back home after a baseball game. Ethan and I weren’t that much into baseball. In fact, Dad wasn’t either. We went to the game because Mom wanted us to do some activity that did not involve our love for martial arts or violence of any kind. So baseball. Ethan and I weren’t very enthusiastic with the decision but Dad simply rolled with it.

“Think of it as a required father-son bonding activity.” He had winked at us as we piled up on popcorn, hotdogs, and various snacks that were no good for us.

Despite our disinterest in the sport, all three of us were laughing as we exited the stadium and headed home to tell Mom and Aurora all about it. But when we were in the middle of the crosswalk a car just came out of nowhere. Ethan and I didn’t see it coming but apparently Dad did….

I had felt a shove against my back that sent me tumbling to the gravel, Ethan right beside me. When we looked up it was just in time to see Dad get hit full on by a speeding car.

“Dad!” We were screaming our lungs out as we stumbled over to the still form of our father,blood pooling beneath him. I remember people screaming and shouting behind us, Ethan yelling at Dad to hold on but the one thing that caught my attention was the soft, relieved smile Dad was giving us.

How could he be smiling? He was dying and he was just smiling at us, his green eyes shining, the blood bubbling up in his mouth staining his teeth and dribbling down his chin. I tried hard not to throw up at the sight.

We stayed there kneeling before him until the paramedics arrived.

I shook my head hard to snap myself out of the sudden flashback. I let out a slow breath to regain my composure, hoping that my slip up wasn’t obvious to my brother. I glanced to my right at Ethan again. I found him staring at the passing scenery, for once not smiling. Maybe he felt as uncomfortable as I did. Ethan caught me staring at him and I hurriedly turned away from him.

It wasn’t like I was scared of him. It was just he was a living reminder of Dad. The green eyes that brightened at the prospect of fun, the shaggy black hair that hung loosely behind them, the smile that was a permanent fixture on their faces. God, that smile. It was just like Dad’s, exactly like the one he had when he bled to death. I was lucky that I can look at myself in the mirror, with my eyes being a different color, my hair brushed neatly and I didn’t smile as much as they did. It was no wonder I bury myself into my schoolwork.

Before I knew it, I heard the wheels of the train squeal as they came to a stop. We looked up and heard the announcer state we were at Greenwood. “Thank you for taking the Metro Rail. We hope that you have a nice day.” We made our way off the train and out of the station.

The soy sauce was easy to find when we made it to Winn Dixie. It was where it always was, right between the hot sauce bottles and packets of instant ramen noodles. It took us just ten minutes to get in and out. Good. I really wanted this trip to be over and be home already.

We walked down the familiar beaten sidewalk away from the supermarket. Ethan kicked a somewhat large pebble every few seconds. I stared up at the sky. It was starting to get dark, the sky shifting into a multitude of bright colors before it ultimately settled into twilight.

“Ben.” I was startled when I heard my name called, nearly dropping the soy sauce bottle in my hand.

“Yes, Ethan?” I said. I knew he was staring at me and I determinedly kept my eyes from his face. Especially the eyes.

“…..How come we don’t talk anymore?”

Now I really came close to dropping the bottle.

“I don’t know what you mean.” I hurriedly told him, picking up my pace. Ethan stopped me with a firm hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t f**k with me, Ben.” And now he sounded annoyed. Great, just what I need. “Don’t think that I haven’t noticed how you’ve been trying to avoid looking me in the eye.” I winced minutely but Ethan caught it anyway. Bastard. “In fact, you’ve just been avoiding me this past year or so. Now why is that?”

“Nothing.” I firmly stated, roughly shrugging off his hand and trying to keep walking. But then Ethan grabbed my shoulder again and turned me around.

“Why, Ben?” Ethan was simmering. The explosion was inevitable. “Why can’t you look directly in my face? We have the same one, dumbass, we’re twins!”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what?!” Ethan shook me harshly. “Is it because of my hair? My nose? My eyes?-” I twitched. “It’s my eyes, isn’t it?…Why? We got the same-” He became quiet and stared at me with dawning comprehension. “It’s because it’s his eyes?”

Now I was starting to slowly get angry. “Drop it. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ethan.” I gritted out through my teeth.

“Oh so you won’t have to talk, brother dearest? So that you can go on ignoring your feelings like you have been for the past year?”

“Oh yeah. I am so very beneath you now, aren’t I, Ben? What I do is so very immature. Now that you’re the big man of the house with Dad gone you don’t have to-!” Common sense left me and Ethan was suddenly flying back to the ground and his hands went up to his face. My ears were buzzing, drowning out the world around me. I caught myself in another flashback, with Dad staring up at me with that same damn smile on his face. He whispered to Ethan and I, even as his chest stuttered from the action. “You’re okay…. Thank goodness….” And that made me so pissed off. I could tell Ethan was surprised until he pulled his right hand back and saw the blood staining it. His lip was bleeding. I glanced down and saw my fist outstretched, the soy sauce in my other hand.

“Shut up.” I was boiling now. God I want him to just shut up now. Didn’t he ever shut up?

Ethan slowly got up from the ground and pulled off his uniform jacket. When he reached for his tie I knew what he was about to do. I set the bottle against the wall of a building and took off my jacket as well. Adrenaline was seeping into my blood at the prospect of a fight. It had been too damn long since we fought each other, whether they were spars with Dad right beside us or real bruising fights. By the time my jacket was fluttering to the ground we were off.

Ethan threw a punch at my nose but I dodged it and aimed one at his big mouth again. He blocked it and grabbed my arm. He twisted it behind me and grinned viciously when I grunted in pain. I managed to use my other arm and elbowed him sharply in the gut. With the wind knocked out of him, he didn’t have a chance to block the follow up punch.

Ethan tumbled back which gave me enough time to kick his legs out from underneath him. What I didn’t see coming was Ethan pull his leg back and sending me stumbling to the gravel as well. I sit up and my head was forced to the right from the punch to the chin Ethan gave me. I drew back from him and spit blood onto the ground. I snarled at him while he smirked.

We continued in that fashion until the two of us were lying on the dirty sidewalk, exhausted and sore. We were covered in bruises. Ethan’s lip was split open, swollen, while I was pretty sure I had a black eye forming. My breath came out in pants and my heart was beating a staccato rhythm in my chest. There was no talking for a while. We just laid there and looked up at the sky. I don’t know how to say it but I felt…. cleansed, if you could call it that. My mind was pleasantly empty of thought, no memories to plague me, and I enjoyed the emptiness for all it was worth.

“Do you remember how Dad used to make a game of how many cracks we found in the sidewalks.”

I glanced at Ethan. Was he serious? But he was laying there, smiling softly. He continued. “And not those baby ones you can barely see, I mean the huge ones that pop out and remind you of a broken wall?”

I couldn’t help but smile at the memory. “And whoever found the most cracks in  the sidewalk, that would mean they were the ones who had to help clean up after dinner?”

“Yeah! Mom and Aurora would laugh at us when we did that?”

“But they loved it didn’t they?”

Before I knew it Ethan was laughing loudly, his eyes closed in mirth. I didn’t notice I had started laughing as well until I felt my chest heaving for breath, my throat sore from the gasping laughs escaping it. When was the last time I laughed like this?

When we finally stopped I tilted my head back and saw Ethan grinning at me. I grinned back. I found that it didn’t hurt so much to look at his eyes.

“Why now?” I asked him suddenly.

“Huh?”

“Why did you decide to pick a fight with me now?”

Ethan frowned slightly and tapped a finger on the concrete. “Well I was getting tired of waiting for you to start the conversation. And…” Ethan turned his head to the side and I saw a bright blush creep up his cheeks. “I just wanted my brother to talk to me again. Even if it was an argument.”

I gave him a soft look. “It’s okay, Ethan. I-” I felt my cheeks heat up as well. “I understand that it wasn’t very good to keep myself bottled up and ignore you and everything.”

“Mmm. Good. Because I would have had to kick your ass if you kept it up.” He gave me a cocky grin.

I raised an eyebrow at him and was about to refute that statement before Ethan spoke again.

“Mom’s totally going to kick our ass for being late, huh?” he asked me. Despite the subject matter he kept smiling at me.

I snorted. “Ya think?”

Ethan shrugged a shoulder, at least I think he did since it was kind of hard to see it while lying on the ground. “Then I guess it probably wouldn’t make a difference if we stayed here a little longer?”

“….No. Probably not.”

__END__