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Friends Story – Silhouette Memories
Photo credit: rollingroscoe from morguefile.com
20th September:
Tappppp! That was the hardest slap in years. Never saw it coming. He was too strong for me. To retaliate is not a choice.
‘’tha tha tha thaaaa tha thaaaaa” he yells into my ears, my utterly affectionate grandson Malo.
Early morning by recent standards, 7:30 AM. Having a good night sleep is a rarity. Last attempt was not aiming to be one. Headache partnered with severe body pain. I enjoy when Malo is around. But this wasn’t a perfect time. Desperate for some help, I groan facing the hall, “Seenu…Where are you? Seenuuuu…”
Seenu : “Yes pa”
Me : “I need some rest now. Would you have some pity and take Malo to the hall. What is Nalini doing?”
“No pa. We dint expect him to wake up early. Am late for office. Nalini is in the kitchen. Malo reaching you was destiny. Fine, take some rest, we will manage”
Malo exits waving his hand up and down. Seenu takes good care of me along with Nalini.
With restored peace, I try going back to sleep. But it takes a while before my self obliges. Need a couple of melodies to pamper myself. I switch on the old TV in my room which is no more used for viewing. I use the orphan for playing some old black and white songs. My luck, nothing of my choice.
If songs don’t work, got to sink myself into nostalgic thoughts which make me dream and then, ultimately fall asleep. Consciously fly back 75 years to turn 8. Playing swings in my school playground, under those giant mango trees, never short of branches and green leaves. Almost reachable. Kids running around, messing with muddy ground. Smell of trees, mud and water. With company of my legendary friends. Nothing but happiness. All around. All around. Fantasy. Aaaaaaaall aroouuund.
A classmate comes close to me and starts scratching my nose impatiently. I couldn’t control. On every enquiry, “Tha” is the blunt reply. After some failed attempts to control, I wake up. Malo was the girl in disguise.
“Dai Seeenu. Come here”, I shout.
“Yes pa” answers Nalini. “Seenu has started to office. What happened?”
“Wouldn’t you let this 83 old have even a good 30 minute sleep. Handle Malo for a while” I request with some anger.
“Fine pa. But its 10 AM already. You should have your breakfast and pills sooner”
“What!! 10 AM?! Why did you let me sleep so long? Help me move out of this bed. Get my walking stick please”
With Nalini’s help, I move on.
Post lunch, as I sit in the balcony gazing at the trees, I think of my childhood days and Saha. Today’s morning dream has had an impact on me. Couldn’t remember dreams, except for the end at times. With this dream, I could feel a sweet pressure.
Tried recalling my childhood days with Saha. Not really childhood. We studied in the same school and went on to join the same college for our engineering. We were different characters. But we influenced each other’s character in many ways.
Cherish the memories of those days when we used to walk to school along the paddy fields discussing a wide variety of topics. We were also close to each other’s families. I used to stay at his home once in a while and vice-versa.
As we grew, our talks got mature. He inspired me to read books. He was up-to-date with latest technologies too. Had a lot of things to learn from him. He bridged me to classical music and photography. When I was upset over an issue, a casual chat with him would do a great good to me. Always considered him my asset and proudly tell people. Our families saw us as examples. A few even envied us. At that young age, we knew it was important not to get possessive. We understood that families would get the priority as we grow. He was already a legend in my life.
As years passed, I realized that the best period of our friendship is passing by. We got married and were fortunate to have good families. In the family ways, we missed each other. Started losing him gradually without realizing it. We met only on occasions without being able to spend too much time together. We had to shift cities to build our careers. It was impossible to turn back the pages.
Couldn’t think of anything but Saha for the next hour or so. And slowly, the urge to meet him grows in me.
“Pa..coffee” offers Nalini.
With great care, I place the cup on the table.
“What pa, you seem to be in deep thoughts..?” she enquires.
Longing for conversations, happy when she asked. “Had a beautiful dream today morning”
“Oh nice, what was it about?”
“Don’t remember. But it featured Saha. Have I told you about him?”
“Yes pa. Your best friend”
“Was just thinking about him now, recalling our days”
“Hmmm. Good pa. Having a good friend is not easy. Wish I had such a friend”
I suggest, “Sometimes, being is more important than having. Being is tougher”
As we exchange smiles, tried to get her perspective “But I don’t understand why we completely lost touch. When did I last meet him? I couldn’t recall. Not in years.”
“Both of you have gone through a busy life. You have been in different cities. And you did not have the technologies like these days to help you stay in touch” she reasons.
“But why did I not try to reach out to him? Did the ghost of ego creep in? Or were we too busy to think about each other? What stopped me?”
“Come on pa. Don’t take too many questions”
”Life for me was Manju and kids since marriage. I must have ignored him all these years. I would like to meet him again. But don’t know his whereabouts and am not even sure if he is still alive”. Vision blurs as I say that.
Malo cries in the hall
Nalini: “Don’t worry much pa. Let’s see. Malo is crying, let me check”
As evening went by, it was more depressing. My years of wisdom isn’t helping to fill calmness in me. Getting restless. Want to speak with Seenu. Like a child waiting to see his father. At times, I seek his emotional support. He knows how much I miss my love Manju since she passed away a few years back.
Seenu returned from office at 7:30 PM. Din’t want to disturb him right away. Post dinner, called him to my room.
Seenu: “Yes pa. What’s up?”
“Seenu, I want to meet Saha badly. Is there any way to find his whereabouts? He must be 84 now, if god was kind to him”
“Let me try pa. But do you really have to meet him? You need rest now. It won’t be easy for you to travel. Let me first try to get the details. You could then talk to him on phone or have a webcam chat”
I explain, “At this age, senses struggle to co-operate with each other. I don’t prefer a phone call now. It would be a shame, not to meet him in person given a chance. We never know what the future holds. Moreover, I would like both of us to have a real surprise. First, try to find his whereabouts”
21st September:
After a day’s wait, checked with Seenu. “Seenu, what happened? Any luck?”
“On what pa..?”
Upset that he forgot and reminded “About Saha da. Have you forgotten?”
“Oh yes. No pa, I tried, but couldn’t trace”
Seeing the disappointment in my face, He continues “Don’t worry, we will try again”
I had a late sleep that night. Tried to convince myself that I could not meet Saha any more in this life. It was disheartening to be pessimistic. In spite of a lifetime sprinkled with tough situations, could not handle this one as easily as I should. Eventually, fell asleep.
22nd September:
Next morning, Seenu with a mild excitement says “Pa, we have got the details of Saha uncle”
I was thrilled to hear that! Thanked god and started imagining various versions of my 84 year old legend. But I had to ensure.
“Are you sure!? How did you manage to find him?”
“You told me that he worked in Theni hydro-electric plant post his engineering. One of my colleague’s father also worked in the plant for many years. Asked my colleague to enquire with him and got to know”
“That’s great! See, what took you 2 days would have taken me forever. Great work. So, when can we meet him? Where is he?”
“But pa, it’s about 2 hours drive from here. It would be difficult for you to travel”
“So what? Let’s visit him tomorrow. Try to candidly check if he will be available on the date of my travel. Keep him totally unaware of the plan. Don’t worry about me, I taught you how to walk.”
“Hmmm.. ok, will let you know the plan”, he had to accept.
My longtime dream will come true. Drenched in joy. Planned for the dialogues. Will gift him a nice novel. Cannot wait for the day.
Seenu planned the visit tomorrow morning. I did not request his company. But he would not let me travel alone.
With Nalini‘s help, bought a novel for Saha. My favorite, “Stranger in the mirror”.
23rd September:
With lots of excitement, hope and a bit of nervousness, started at 8 AM with Seenu. How to react on seeing him? We don’t run and hug like how it happens in movies. How would he react? Will he remember me at once? How will he look? Will he or I cry? Must be careful not to shock the old man with excitement.
Seenu dint have much trouble driving to that place. With all these gadgets around, finding a place has become too easy. Had my spectacles ready. We reached around 10 AM. I was nervous like a student waiting for board exam results. Eyes wide open, breathing faster, palms sweating and gripping the walking sticks tight.
We opened the gate of the small, old individual house and went in. I could vaguely recognize this place. Is this the same place where we last met so many years back? We took a couple of steps to enter an open room before facing the grilled, locked door. The back door of the home was open letting sunlight strands stream through that door. The hall wasn’t bright and the inner lights were switched off. I rang the bell next to the grill door and waited impatiently.
After thousands of milliseconds, an old man in dhoti and sleeved baniyan walking terribly slow with a bent back leaning forward, approached the gate and opened the door without any questions. With sunlight from behind, he could have seen me but I could not see his face. Is it my Saha!? I wasn’t sure. He was too thin and I couldn’t see his face properly. But in all probability, it’s got to be the man. My face lit and I was already smiling.
As he opens the door, with a mild voice, he calls “Viswaaa…”. My smile ceased, couldn’t stand, couldn’t hold on to my walker and let it hit the floor. It was indeed my Saha!! On entering, he holds my hand. Sharpening my eyesight with a few tight blinks, swapped sides to see his face in the dim sunlight from behind. “Sahaaaa..!”, I greet him putting arms over his shoulder.
Seenu switched on the tube light. We met again in the company of light. Saha had a mild smile on his face. Did I miss his excitement with the silhouette entrance? Holding each other, we took a long walk to the sofa, a couple of meters.
His voice was music to my ears as he asks “How are you Viswa?”
“Am great now. How are you? “
“Doing good”
We sat next to each other in the sofa. Couldn’t speak much. Silence took over. Couldn’t take my eyes off him. For some reason, his look wasn’t too unfamiliar although it wasn’t any of what I imagined back home.
“Have been longing for this day Saha. So many years since we last met. When did we meet last?” I asked.
“been a long time. You haven’t forgotten me. And you have taken the pain at this age to meet me. Sorry for not reaching out to you. But I can never forget you da”
“Cant explain my excitement. Since the moment Seenu found your whereabouts, It was all pleasure and no pain. Feeling of going to meet you was a huge energy booster. Thank god for letting me live these days”. Removed the glasses to clear my eyes. “How was the surprise? You look very weak. Are you in good health?” I ask, concerned.
“Pleasant surprise. Yes, not in great health. Planning to hit the gym.”
As we laugh out loud, I was a touch concerned over Saha’s casualness. Had a feeling that he wasn’t too thrilled to meet me. His reactions never suggested a big surprise right from the beginning. Has old age gifted him some numbness?
Totally forgot my son’s presence. Missed to introduce and Saha never enquired. “Hope you know Seenu, the last of my children”
“Oh yes. Seenu. How are you? Sorry to have missed you” he greets.
“Doing good uncle. Nice to meet you”
Questions gradually engulf me. Did I disturb him with the surprise visit? Did he really miss me? He reacts like we just met last month. Am I expecting too much from him? We grew up understanding the importance of not being possessive. He never was an expressive guy. Mind was at war with the heart. It will be shame if I spoil my mood over this.
We discussed about our families. He was alone in his home. His family had gone out. He too had lost his wife a few months back, I learnt from him.
Seenu gets a phone call and says we need to start now. It is just more than an hour since we came in. Din’t want to start just yet. I will take a taxi back home. Just when I was about to ask Seenu to leave, Saha responds
“We will meet again soon. Take care. Thanks a lot for visiting.”
He never asked for my address. With a broken heart, I parted with a hug. Can I now confirm that this was just another casual meet for him and I am just another friend? I may not be able to visit him with the same enthusiasm next time. Irrespective of all this, he will remain a very special person in my life. Understand that the purple patch was long over. Can always dive into those cherished memories. Memories are sometimes better than realities, I realize.
Return travel back home was gloomy. Din’t speak much. Seenu had a few questions about the visit. Gave faint, one word answers. For all the build up, it failed.
“Did he appear excited with our visit?” I asked Seenu.
“He seemed very happy to meet you pa”
“I have a mild feeling of having disturbed him with the surprise. Don’t you feel so?”
“Not at all” he answers abruptly.
Although happy to have met him, couldn’t drive the disappointment out after all those dreams and expectations. Reached home around 1 PM. Chose sleep over lunch.
Few hours later, Malo wakes me up with some pulls and pushes. After studying my eye’s anatomy, he starts meddling with Seenu’s i-phone which was bold enough to be near him. Technology had to be rescued from Malo’s hands. To ensure if he hadn’t made any calls from the phone, I have a quick glance. To ‘scroll’, ‘press back-button’ and ‘lock’ are 3 things I have learnt in that phone. Before, I could lock the phone, my eyes spot the word “Sahadevan uncle” on screen.
It appeared like a chat log. Before diverting my vision off the screen, I couldn’t stop myself from reading Saha’s phrase “I could not act to him”. What is Saha hiding from me? What’s the act? Questions start strangling me. Despite knowing that it is indecent to read through Seenu’s log, I am now left with no option but to read the entire chat history. Scrolling to the top, with anxiety and pain, I start reading:
Sahadevan uncle:
Hi Seenu, thanks for visiting
Me:
Hi Uncle. Please don’t thank me. I must thank you. How are you feeling now? Has your migraine subsided? Is your son back home?
Sahadevan uncle:
Lot better now. Yes, he’s back. Unfortunate that I couldn’t manage when my dear was here. What did he say?
Me:
Appa felt he disturbed you with the visit.
Sahadevan uncle:
What?! Why so?!!
Me:
He said you dint seem too excited meeting him.
Sahadevan uncle:
Oh dear! I tried my best. I could not act to him. Even If I have to, you know how terrible an actor I am.
Me:
Yes uncle. At least he dint question you directly this time. He is an extrovert and can’t hide his emotions.
Sahadevan uncle:
Yes, I know. That’s why I tried to avoid the mistake I made last time. Remember what happened 3 weeks back? I couldn’t express that after-so-many-years excitement when you entered the home last time and he was upset straight away.
Me:
Is that why you switched off the lights this time when we came?
Sahadevan uncle:
Yes, I felt that would help Viswa and myself. But, seems that really dint help.
Me:
Its better you did that uncle.
Sahadevan uncle:
Hmmm..How is his hippocampus now? Is he getting any better?
Me:
No uncle. It’s getting worse. He has started forgetting even week old events these days. Better that it’s not having a considerable physical impact on him.
Sahadevan uncle:
I pray everyday for his health. Please take good care of him. I know you will. Let me know if I could be of any help.
Me:
Thanks a lot uncle. You have always been a source of his happiness. Please take care of your health.
Wish we could tell him about his problem. But he gets devastated every time we explain it. Tried a few times and felt its better not to try again.
At the same time, I don’t want him to travel frequently at this age. He needs good rest.
Sahadevan uncle:
I can understand Seenu. We have a lot to learn from him. Without him, my life couldn’t have been as colorful. We have all been very lucky to be with him. He is our gift.
Me:
Yes and thanks uncle. We always look up to your friendship. He gives you the credits.
Sahadevan uncle:
That’s his humility. Fine Seenu, will take some rest now and try to meet him in a day or two at your home to have a better conversation. I always long for it.
Me:
Sure uncle. Our pleasure. Btw, we forgot to give you the gift.
Sahadevan uncle:
Have that “Stranger in the mirror” with you for now. Hope you got the same gift I returned to you after the previous visit. But this copy is ultimately for me.
Me:
Ha ha. Yes. Take care uncle. Bye.
Sahadevan uncle:
God bless. Bye.
In tears. Of pride, shame, confusion, happiness and love. Like a silhouette, foreground has been dark in my memory. How cheap of me to have fallen prey to such thoughts about Saha this morning? Malo gives me a tight pinch. This time, the timing was right. Grabbed him for kisses, smudging my tears all over his cheeks. Pressed the home button, gave the phone back to him and quickly hid my face under a towel pretending to sleep.
After a few minutes, walked out normal. For some reason, did not want anyone to know what I have come to know.
Waited for Saha’s visit, eagerly.
2nd October:
Beautiful nostalgic dream this morning. Loved it. Sitting in the balcony munching over my childhood days and Saha.
“Pa..coffee” offers Nalini.
Placing the cup on the table, with a dreamy smile, I ask her,
“Nalini, have I told you about my friend Saha..? It has been so many years since we last met..”
__END__
