Alone

As I walked past the streets of Hyderabad, I felt the lonliness in them, the lifelessness in the people who are too busy with their lifes, I walked towards the Kirana shop where I can find cigarettes. I would never dare to lit a smoke near to my home, as someone would complain in my home, but here I am sure that no one is bothered to wait and notice who am I and what am I doing, I took the cigarette and put it between my lips, where she used to have her impressions with her lips, this thought made me take out the cigarette from my mouth quickly and then I blew the smoke out of my lungs as if I was trying to erase her memories. If a cigarette is what all its needed to forget a love life, they would have priced them in lakhs, but still it’s a feeling of a relief or say a stress buster. I slowly started walking in those busy streets making way for myself.

I was about to cross the road, threw my cigarette on to the ground and crushed it with my shoe. I looked towards the road and started crossing it. On the other side, vehicles are rushing as the signal shows green, suddenly I saw a girl dressed herself in white Punjabi. Its her, oh my god its her, I didn’t even bother about the traffic, I started running behind her bike, like as if I have gone mad. I was shouting her name, Anila…Anila wait. She obviously couldn’t hear me in those vehicle horns.

Suddenly, I had fallen down on the road, meanwhile some passerby has informed Anila that I was trying to call her, I was still laying on the ground, she came towards me and said in a hurry,

‘are you fine? who are you, why are you trying to stop me? Do I know you?’

then I realized, its not her, its not Anila. ‘sorry I mistook you with my friend’ I replied,

‘that friend must be so important to you, you had almost killed yourself’ she replied.

‘I am fine, atleast I will pretend like I am’ I said it to myself but replied her with a smile. This is like some tenth time in a week that I mistook someone with Anila.

Vroooom.. a speeding motor cycle passed by me, bringing the thoughts of Anila along with the dust that raised from its wheels, ‘where were you Nivas, you didn’t even took my calls, I am damn scared’ she sounded tense in her tone.

‘will you ever be serious that I am late?’ I questioned her.

‘shut up, my concern was, this bloody traffic and you were on your bike…’

‘slow down honey, its you who asked me to not receive any calls when I am on the bike, isn’t it?’ I reminded her.

She was such a great girl, she loved me a lot, even did I. I can still feel her warmth in my arms. We talked for very long time on that day, more than usual I can say, the Frooti can’s and coke tin’s around us act as an evidence for that. She started crying by holding my hand.

‘My dad doesn’t like this Nivas, he will never allow us to marry.’

‘Don’t you know this before?’ I questioned her, sharply looking into her eyes.

‘I thought I would convince him, but now when I want to talk about it, I am really scared’ she continued crying.

I gave a pat on her back and kissed on her forehead and replied back ‘let him handle this’,

‘who’ she was puzzled.

‘vas,nivas’ I replied in James bond style.

She laughed with still tears in her eyes. I guess that was the last time she ever cried in pain, I never made her cry for anything, I hate to see her crying. She is my precious. She has those cute cheeks, big and round, soft to touch. Just like those in Ponds cold cream advertisement. We used to go for a walk to Necklace road, a famous bridge in Hyderabad, the cool breeze which flows from the water gives a great sign of relief, I personally feel like it takes all your tensions away. I love her hair waving to that constant breeze, she has long straight hair, just like the waves of ocean, oh my god am I turning into a poet, She can turn anyone into a poet, she is that beautiful and equally beautiful in character.

I almost forgot to say, she is a great classical dancer too, ofcourse, leaving a couple of them I never watched them much, I am not a great admirer of classical dance, but on the same way I never stopped her. My dad used to call her peacock, he says Anila dances with a grace in her face and her movements are full of ease. May be, I am not sure why I am not interested in watching her programmes but it just happened. The best part is, none of our individual hobbies or job used to come between us. It’s mostly she who used to talk through all our conversations. I am an active participant only in getting ice creams and giving verdict about films and any problem of her friends she narrated for an hour long. She is with me always, our story has her foot steps everywhere in my life, yes, truly footsteps, on our first meet.

I saw her at the inter college on our first day and started following her for a week. One day she got annoyed with me and gave me a tight slap with her sandal, that was her first foot print in my life. Days ran so fast and on the judgement day of our love, when I went to meet her father, she was tensed, ofcourse even I was, everyone is tensed when they go and meet the girls father. But luckily I wasn’t alone, I took my brother-in-law with me. Just in case, he may be handy in tough situations, to be bold with my opinion, just to have someone to share beatings along with me, if something goes wrong. But to my surprise, everything was fine, I don’t know which of those fifty to sixty gods from four or five religions heard me.

We had a long and peaceful conversation of words, he enquired everything about me, he also said everything about their family and even couple of generations before him. We were shocked and happy, I have gone mad with happiness. That’s the day I had fallen from the 8 feet rock while I was dancing in happiness. My brother-in-law rushed me to the hospital, I had a very bad sprain and doctors said I was lucky that it wasn’t a fracture. I am not quite sure how I was lucky, this particular sprain needed more time to walk than of a fracture and I can say its 10 times painful. I know how a fracture feels as I had it once. All those weeks she used to stay with me the whole day.

My dad used to come in the evenings to make an overnight stay, Anila will again be back by next morning with bed coffee. I have no clue how I would have survived at least a day without her. Sometimes I feel, my mom who died in my childhood is with me in the form of Anila. I cried lying in her arms on that day. She consoled me and said

‘Do you know what, she sent me here to always be with you and take good care of you, she asked god for a good companion for you and see, here he sent me’

I hugged her tightly and cried like a baby ‘maa, I love you maa, why did you leave me, I wept many nights for you, why should you leave me’ I wept like a kid.

‘its ok Nivas, now I am here, don’t cry, I will never leave your hand, your dad can be here anytime, if he listens to this he will feel very sad, don’t cry’ I wiped my tears and had a face wash. My dad came almost jumping in joy with papers in his hand, all of them were decorated with turmeric powder on four edges. I understood its holy importance, he shouted in joy ‘your marriage got fixed, its next month 20^th at 8:45 Pm I cant wait telling this to all my friends and relatives’ he was jumping like a kid. I gave him a tight hug and we both took his blessings, he couldn’t wait with this news’, he ran outside by picking the mobile out of his pocket. We both smiled at each other.

Our marriage was more a festival to my dad. He is so happy. So were we. We had a great honeymoon and our life was full of happiness, within a year of our marriage anniversary, Anila became pregnant, my dad was happy that my mom is being reborn as my daughter. Ignoring the logic, I loved what he said. What if my mom is really back with us, with me! Isn’t that awesome?

Suddenly I felt like days are going too slow, may be its because that I am waiting for something, may be for my mom, when ever doctors show us the scan, I have a feeling that my mom is having a nice sleep in Ani’s womb, my mom has really beautiful eyes, baby would be very cute if she gets her eyes, of course she will, its my mom who is going to be born and she will definitely have her own eyes.  Its her 9^th month, doctors gave us her delivery date.

On our journey back home from the temple, she felt something uneasy in her stomach, she felt she needs doctors assistance. We rushed back our car towards the hospital, I tried my best to get through the traffic, her pain increased minute by minute, she started shouting in the car itself, even I was not sure how I drove the car but we reached the hospital, everything happened in a hurry, just like in movies, hospital attendants came towards the car with a stretcher and took her away, oh my god what a relief, I walked towards the car to close the door, then I realized she was bleeding, car seat was totally covered with blood,

‘oh my god, Ani, whats wrong with you’ I ran towards the operation theatre, shouting ‘doctor, she was bleeding, help her’

security over there stopped me, but I was pushing away everyone, how could I sit in patience if something is wrong with my Ani? I repeatedly shouted, doctor help her, she was in pain, doctor came outside and I suddenly jumped towards him and said ’Doctor she was bleeding, she was bleeding, help..help her’

He stooped me, saying calm down Mr, calm down, I am doctor I know what’s happening with her and I better concentrate upon her rather than to stop you, those words struck my mind like a gun shot, I spoke in fear and tense to the doctor

‘ no doctor, I wont obstruct you, it’s the blood that scared me, she is precious, I love her, you please, she is my, please help doctor’

I was utter confused with my words, doctor understood my situation and he asked me to sit in the waiting room and he promised about the safety of Ani. After about an hour a nurse came towards me with few papers in her hand, I remembered the day when my dad came to us with few papers in his hand when I was in the hospital stating our marriage date is fixed, I stood up in happiness and I thought they must be those casual papers where I need to sign before operation, yes, they are those papers, but along with that nurse told me another news,  there is huge loss of blood for Ani and there is very slim chance that both will be surviving, she asked me to choose between my child and Ani, actually between my mom and Ani, I didn’t gave a second thought but I said, I need my mom, I mean the child, Ani will anyways be safe.

My father and others who are around shouted at me, I said both will be fine and not to worry, my father gave me a tight slap, I guess its first time in my life, that my father slapped me.

‘Don’t be like me’ my dad said and while saying this he has tears in his eyes. ‘Sign it son, sign it for her safety. You can have kids later, your mom can wait, may be she didn’t feel its right time to come to you. Let her go back to god.

I sat on my knees and started crying, ‘I love Ani, you don’t understand I love Ani, I just wanted to see my mom, that’s it’ ‘

‘I know it my son, I have been through this, go on and sign it’ my dad told me.

I signed those papers, Nurse rushed back and the operation resumed, god is not always rude towards me, doctors informed that I was blessed with a baby girl. I am so damn happy about it. My mom is back, I badly wanted to see her, suddenly there started an emergency situation and doctors were running towards the operation theatre where she was kept, it didn’t took much time for me to realize how rude the god was with me, he gave me my mom but took away my life.

Anila is no more, she died due to heavy bleeding, it is 7 days for today that she left me, ‘I am going mad Ani, how do you think that I can live without you?’

I started running aimlessly, I don’t know where I was going but all I wanted is to die. Suddenly I saw her, I saw Anila, she was walking on the road, I went to her running, shouting her name but when I reached there, it wasn’t her, its someone else I mistook with her, it kept happened with me. I walked through the streets, through those roads, all of them have our memories, stored and preserved inside them. She is not with me but her memories are.

‘so long is my death, so long is my life, so long I wait for her, so long that I never meet her’

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