Teardrops of Guilt

There’s only a slight gossip around, but the restaurant seems more calm than usual, even when it is full tonight. I passively stare at the empty seat lying opposite to me and think myself that it would always remain empty forever. There are only families and couples around and I probably might be the only one sitting singly. But I hardly care, as I’ve been sharing my table with no one since a long time back. I enjoy dining alone as I have no other reliable option to choose.

I continue waiting for my food to arrive. I just glance around and find the table right opposite to me, meant for four; being occupied by a beautiful family, only to mention the father is missing. Though there are only three members,  it still is a family unlike mine. The mother carrying her baby in her arms occupies the seat that laid diagonal to me and places the infant on the attached seat beside. She’s elegant in her demeanor. Her long hair and the bindi on her forehead reminds me of a typical Indian housewife. A typical not me!

On the seat parallel, sits a little 5-year old girl kid, whom I have observed, is looking straight into my eyes with a beatific look on her face. For a second, I look away but glance back again finding her still staring at me, giving the same blissful look. Her lips slowly curve into an amiable smile, her eyes asking for reciprocation. And I involuntarily smile thinly and escape her look right away. I do not bother to observe what happens next as I fiddle with my mobile, waiting for the food.

Then the mother gets up from her seat, placing the infant next to the kid saying “Ritu, take care of Rishab. I’ll just be back in two minutes. Be careful he might fall down.”

The kid gives an approving nod at her mom followed by a smile and her mother leaves. Ritu, I realize is her name. Cute she is! Bob cut, cute thin lips, marble-like eyes and a captivating smile. She plays with her brother for a few minutes. She could manage him till now but the baby boy starts to give out a shrill cry and she begins to panic. Looking at her gestures, I understand she wants to get hold of the milk bottle that lay on the other side of the table. She tries hard to grab it with her slender hands but fails as the table is too wide for her little figure. She then gets up from the seat, comes out of the table and goes to the other side to get the milk bottle.

The baby continues to cry louder this time and he almost makes a complete 180 degree turn, and is about to fall off the seat. My reflexes react even before my brain sends a signal. There’s a few feet gap between both the tables. I make a giant leap and catch the child before the expected happens. Very dainty he is! I never had any previous experience of handling kids, but I manage to hold him as meticulously as possible, until I feel another pair of big cold hands over my arms. I look up to find the mother standing in my front, carefully taking the baby away from my hands.

She says “Thank you” and gives a warm smile. She then turns away to chide the girl “Ritu I told you take care of him! What were you doing?”

The girl makes a face, but do not utter a single word against her mother and keeps quiet. I go back to my place and sit, wearing a forlorn expression all over. Our food  arrive at the same time almost. We begin eating at our respective tables, but I keep looking at the girl every now and then. She opens her mouth just for letting the food in and replies every question of her mom with just a nod. Angry she has got, I think!

I complete my food and pay the bill, so did they and we begin to walk out of the restaurant at the same time again. I find myself a comfortable seat at the waiting area. Chilly evening it is. The overcoat I wore isn’t containing the cold. The family sits right opposite to me, again and I find the little girl warming her brother’s hands. So nice it feels. She then gives a gentle head turn toward me, as if responding to my stare.

I smile again and she approaches me, with a chocolate in hand. She gestures to show my hand. I do as she instructs me to. Then she places the toffee in it, along with a folded tissue. I open it with a flowing eagerness running inside. It read a “thank you” and a smiley in a petite writing. My lips couldn’t resist the wide curve and I ask “Why don’t u tell me in words” I have been dying to know how her voice sound like. She makes a long face at me and looks down dejectedly.

“She can’t speak” comes her mother’s voice from behind, whose presence I completely lost track of. I feel dumbfounded. A dreary tear covers my right eye and falls down before I could control. I take her small palms in mine and place a kiss on them. She smiles again. I wonder how many distinct meanings a single smile can reflect. A loud nearing horn disturbs our mushy scene. The mother says “Ritu lets go, dad has come. Wave aunty a goodbye”

The little angel does as her mother has instructed, with an extra flying kiss. She runs toward the car. I wonder for a second, if I would’ve reacted the same way if it wasn’t for this kid. Don’t know why and how, but I feel an invisible bond that has developed with this kid in just an hour’s time. I see the mother climbing the back seat and Ritu struggles to open the door beside the driver’s seat. It’s then her father who has come down the car and to help her sit. But my eyes make a note of some other scene and sends my brain a different message.

That man is Sri! No! This isn’t happening! I arbitrarily get up from my place, thereby getting his attention. He looks straight into my eyes for a brief minute and hurriedly gets inside the car. It is a feeling of disgust and hatred his look has told me. Within seconds, the vehicle whooshed off the road, leaving me flabbergasted! I stand there for a few minutes not realizing the horn of my vehicle. I get in the car and before I could interpret the evening’s happenings, I reach home. I climb the stairs, opens the lock and shut the door behind. I lay down on the cushion without switching on any light. I let the darkness gulp me to land me at my past.

“Yes Sri, I love someone else and am ready to leave anything and anybody for him! But I don’t get a least hint of why you aren’t signing these papers, even after knowing I want to end this relationship??”

Sri gave no change in his expression, but bitterly asked one thing “What about the baby growing inside you? You can’t get rid off it just like you did with me!”

“So what do you want me to do??” I shouted this time, carrying an I-don’t-give-a-damn expression all over. “Do you expect me to carry this nonsensical thing around and live with jay? I’ll get this aborted as soon as I get divorced” I knew my words were hurting him badly, but I must get the papers signed as early as possible.

“But I want my child!” said Sri, not letting any of his anguish out.

“This thing inside me is the second accident of my life, the first being my marriage with you. And I tell you Sri, I do not hold any responsibility of the accidents that happened to me!”

Sri then produced a documented sheet from a file and handed it to me. I read it thoroughly, realizing what foolish truce he had screwed me up with!

“You want me to give birth to this thing in quid pro quo of your signature?”

“Legally speaking it means that!”

“What if I give a no to this?” I posed.

“You would never get a divorce from me, so you can never marry Jay!” was his immediate retort. I clearly understood what he wants me to do but didn’t give a thought to why. I simply scribbled my sign on the sheet and left Sri and the house permanently.

It was the last time I had argued with him.

Later I gave birth to a girl and as per the contract left Sri legally too. Then was the time for the best part of my life. Jay and I were a happy married couple but the joy lasted hardly an year. He left me totally devastated, meeting with an accident, thereby leaving this world a sour enemy to me. Happiness I realized, doesn’t stay with you long enough, if you go chasing behind it. It’s essence can be felt completely, only when it comes searching for you instead.

This happened five years back and I have let loneliness engulf my total life since then.

I have become too rigid inside that I hardly exhibit any feelings for anyone. But my reaction today, I understood, is the result of the motherhood, that still happens to live in a hidden nook of my stone-hard heart. So Ritu is my child and her abnormality is only a result of my negligence toward her during my pregnancy. A pang of guilt struck my heart, trying hard to break it in every way possible.

The hatred in Sri’s eyes is not to be pointed out, as he has got every reason to be mad at me! I have once deprived him of a responsible wife and also my child of a perfect health. My eyes impulsively begin to generate thick drops of dreary tears and soon I begin to cry out loud. My rusted heart revitalizes, as the tears cleanse it after a long time. Soon the physical weariness dominate the inner pain and I lose track of time. I suddenly feel, I need to apologize both my ex-husband and daughter, for the unfair deeds I have done to them.

I take the mobile and dial his number. I expectantly wait for him to answer and so he does. I manage a “Hello” somehow. He promptly recognizes my voice and immediately cuts the call. It’s after a 15 long minute thoughtful thinking, I text him saying “Want to meet for one last time. Reply me with time and place, if you are willing.”

I wait and wait but finally feel a sense of despair. And gets myself into a deep slumber.

In the morning, I open my cell display only to find a reply from Sri, showing the place and time. My face beamed like the night bulb filling the room. I immediately text him “Please get Ritu along” . I do not care what he thinks, but all I need is he thinking about me.

My wait continues as I come fifteen minutes early. All the kids in the park joyfully enjoy their play. The weather guesses your mood sometimes. It’s a calm breezy evening. My thoughts wander only around Ritu.

“I don’t want to see her face! I don’t care how she looks. Take her away from me”

These were my words when the doctors tried to present the newborn to her mother. I treated her like an untouchable, even when she’s born from my own womb! I left the responsibility of being a mother and also hated her for nothing she had done! Selfish I was! Heartless I was! I only cared about my life and didn’t let any other thing hinder my joy. Not even the small life that’s born out of my own flesh! How can I do justice to her? Will I ever be able to make her love me like the way I love her now?

Yes, I can. Only if I can get a chance to bring her up with my own hands. Yes, only if I can get her back!

A familiar touch from yesterday’s evening smudge my thoughts. I turn around to find Ritu wearing her glimmering smile. This time, I have no restrictions against her, because I can feel it in my bones that it is the same blood that’s flowing in both of our hearts. I hug her tightly for a long minute and kiss all over her face. The love I’ve developed for my daughter in just a day’s time, has suddenly poured out in the form of tears. I complacently look at her gleaming eyes and let her smile kill every fragment of my heart. She gives a quizzical look, not understanding why I’m behaving like a different person.

I slowly open my lips and say “I’m so sorry my dear!”

She cups my face with her cute little palms and clean the drops of guilt spread all over my face. She moves her chin up and makes her eyebrows close, making a question “Why?”.

“Nothing my angel! I love you!” I whisper lightly. This time I hug her even tight, only until Sri separates us both.

“Ritu, you go and play, I’ll talk to aunty and join you”.

She looks up at him and gives a nod. She then turn toward me, peck a kiss on my cheek and waves goodbye, leaving me and Sri alone.

I do not dare to look into his eyes as I could still feel his hatred washing all over me. But I somehow manages to speak “Hi Sri, how are you?”

“Better than what I was once.” So rude he sounds. “My wife told me how you met them yesterday. Thanks!” he says and looks away. So that is the reason for him to immediately agree for the meeting.

“You told her everything?”

“Of course! I can’t let my past creep into my future. In fact she herself suggested I meet u.” He gives a busy-expression-look and continues “So why did the thought of meeting me out of the moon, hit you? What have you planned this time for us?” I feel him slapping hard on my face.

“Sri, I didn’t get a chance to say sorry earlier. I just wanted to apologize for everything I had done…I..”

“And ask Ritu back?” He stops me in the mid sentence. I feel lost and become speechless, not knowing how he could read my inner thoughts. “6 yrs back you said you hated us for no reason. I tried to stop you but you didn’t. I at least thought you would change your mind in the 9 months while you carry our memory of love inside. But you didn’t. You least bothered about her, thereby giving her an abnormality! Why do you deliberately enter our lives again? “

His voice feels so heavy, he’s holding back his tears. Even before I could say another word, he says “You called her an accident and didn’t even want to look at her face when she was born! But she’s the world to me. It almost took me 4 long years to get out the pain you left us with. The damage u have done to our lives is still irrecoverable.”

I lay there immobile, my legs getting numb slowly, the numbness reaching my heart. This kind of riposte is what I least expected.

“Leave us like how we are now and stop ruining our lives more! Hope u have some grace on us. Good bye, forever!” he says and leaves the place silently without waiting for my response.

I’m left  thunderstruck and I fall on my calves. Every little thing he has said, mirrored the struggle he experienced on losing me. But his every word has also reflected the insecurity he had for his daughter against me. Even though his words hit me hard inside the heart, I do not have a single right to restrain him. I have got only myself to blame and the situation has come to accept the stark reality. Time could change me and also could change Sri but not the things between us both! I get up slowly and walk back silently into my world of lonely darkness!

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