A little too much

9th September, 2014. 10:30 p.m.

I am sitting inside my room, hardly breathing. The curtains are drawn, the door closed. Every little sound shakes me up and I close my diary. It is not for anyone else to see. But I have to pour out my heart. I can’t afford to say it to anyone. I am sitting at my table and looking at the flickering flames of the candle. Can’t afford to light an electric light, lest my dad walks in. Mom is still in the hospital with my sister. The reports are due tomorrow. Tick- tock -tick goes the clock. Every seconds drags on.

Dear diary, I trust you of all the human beings. If something happens to me, and the whole world judges me, I want you to know why I did what I did. It’s been 13 years and you have never let me down.

 

3rd March 2104. Annual Day.

One more feather to her cap. My sister was awarded the school all-rounder medal. A straight ‘A’ student, who rocks the stage at every opportunity. She is the material the winners are made up of, the kind of girls who make you feel stupid, inferior  and lonely. She has a huge fan following at school. People know me too, as “Neha’s sister”, hardly people know me by my name. She is the prime attraction in every school program, her marks come up in the ‘highest marks obtained’ in the result and had there been a fashion show at school, I bet my head that she would have been a show-stopper. She didn’t leave the sports ground alone. She was the 4th time unbeatable winner of badminton and the holder of this year’s Best Athlete of the School. She is tall, slender, fair, full of energy, an extrovert who is always nice and kind to people.

To people. She forgets that she has a sister.

As for me? Well, I am everything she is not. Just into my teenage, I am lost, lonely and scared than ever before. The whole world just makes me miserable. A warm smile to her and a sad sigh towards me. I hardly pass in classes, I am ugly, fat and weak; I am the part of the family everyone wishes to do without. The Annual Days make me miserable. I had a hard time faking smile in my seat. How I hated the whole thing.

 

13th August 2014.

I came back from school like everyday and locked myself up in my room. I was so scared that I hadn’t deleted the last night’s search history that surviving school was tougher today. It relieved me to find out that I had. I didn’t have time to tell you what I found yesterday. There is an easy way to end it all. It was hard to find at first, but then I did. Seemed a bit magical. A few of those pills in a drink and I will be gone. Nothing like pain was mentioned, so I guess it will be painless. I need to find the pills now. Oh no, I think someone is coming, time for you to hide dear diary. Keep my secrets safe.

 

18th August 2014

There was a motivational talk at school today where some psychologist was trying to tell us the value of life. So full of it! I didn’t buy any of his logic. If I had the chance, I could stand up and talk for a longer time on how life was not worth living. I think people just keep themselves busy enough to not think about the purpose of life, the meaning of existence. If they start thinking, I wonder how many of them would still like living.

It was good in one way. It made me sure of what I want. I don’t want to live. I am focused on doing something like never before. I just need to get those pills. And guess what? I think I have just found my source.

 

3rd September 2014

I have got it in my hands. I feel like jumping out of joy, except that I can’t. The class monitor called me a ‘friendless psycho’ today. Am I so bad? Do my parents not even realize that I am sad and suicidal or do they not care one bit? I cried myself to sleep the last night. But tonight, I am glad. I have decided the date. 6th September. Mom will be gone to the party with sister and dad will be gone for his work. An ideal day. I don’t think that they will miss me when I am gone, but I know you will dear diary. I will miss you too. I am not a friendless psycho. I have you.

 

6th September 2014. 6:15 pm.

As luck would have it, my sister did not go to the party, but she is taking a bath and will be going out with her friends. I am all set. Everyone in the school was asking me why I was happy. “Hey creep, what makes you so happy?”, “What’s your fat head thinking?”…so on and so forth. I was still smiling. Tomorrow I will be gone and how can this even make me sad today!

There are two glasses of milk on the table. I have mixed the pills in mine and have kept the glasses away from each other. I will drink it in my room, on my bed, listening to my favourite song after my sister leaves. Oh, someone rang the bell. I think it’s the news-paper vendor. Talk to you later dear diary. Keep well.

 

8th September 2014. 10:30 pm.

It was the news paper vendor who had come. I smiled at him while collecting the bill. He seemed a little baffled. He gave it to me and left me at the gate. I took a deep breathe and looked outside. It was a cool, windy night. Far stretches of green welcomed me with their wet smell. I sighed. Is this world really so mean, or is it always me imagining? The night was playing its magic and I was hating it. What if I just ran up to my sister, told her how I loved and hated her? Asked her to treat me right and stand up for me some times? What is she did beat up the class bully? What if mom told me that she loved me too, inspite of the fact that I will never be my sister? I felt a sharp pang at all these happy ifs and buts. What if life suddenly changed itself to make me happy? What if I never died tonight?

Suddenly I heard a shrill scream inside and my mind went blank for a second. It was my sister. I ran inside. Her glass of milk was lying on the table, intact and she lay on the floor holding her stomach and crying in agony, a glass of milk clutched in her hand. My glass of milk in her hands. A rush of fear and madness, I screamed out as well.

At that point I realized how much I loved her, well, I have never loved myself so much. I was shaking as I tried making her a glass of hot water so that she could throw up. In a hurry I heated it too much and it only made things worse. I called up my mother, who was already coming back for some reason. In a hurry I threw my cup in the pond behind our house and spilled milk from my sister’s cup all over the floor. I hugged her as she was losing her sense, I was crying, screaming out loud. I always loved her. I was tired of my life but I could never accept that someone would hurt her. I was hugging her with all my love, if only love could make wonders. She had two huge gulps…the blog said that it would be enough. I prayed.

My mother ran inside, tensed and worried- more phone calls- ambulance- doctors- people asking me- forcing me- giving dark glances- still like a stone I kept uttering the same words, “I don’t know…I don’t know..”

 

9th September 2014. 10:30 pm.

She was taken to the emergency ward. She received the best treatment. She regained her consciousness and screamed at the sight of food or glass. They are still looking into the cause. My parents keep looking at me, not knowing what to do with me. They know I am hiding something and it’s killing me from inside. What if they find out? The three days have been a nightmare. The reports are due tomorrow. My answers are not.

I don’t know how to face this world anymore with all those questions staring at me.

How I wish I had never tried this.

Or how I wish I had mixed more pills.

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