“How could I leave her all alone, when she needed me the most?”
Speculating, while looking outside through window and holding a mug of coffee, his hands are trembling and his heart is sinking in ups and downs with every thought, in the same way as a ship is tiding far away with waves of the ocean, clearly visible through the window.
“What was her mistake? This much only that some ridiculous doctors had claimed that she would never ever recuperate.”
In the meanwhile, some water droplets fell in the coffee mug. It was not clear whether those drops were rain drops or his tears, which he tried well to hide on the pretend of rain, by bringing his face slightly outside from the open window.
“Was not she always there for me? Did not she do all the small and menial works for me? She cooked for me, she cared for even silly and issueless things, she did all the chores for me. These are just few out of millions, billions and trillions of love, care and faith, which she showered on me throughout her life.”
He was good through all those days. He did not even think twice before leaving her alone. He even felt shame to claim any relation with her. He did not bother for her. He did not think about her.
But, suddenly today, why is he feeling a kind of pain in his heart? Why is he feeling a kind of grief for all that he did some years back? Why is he so despondent? He did take all the decisions himself only. He did all the contemplation himself only.
“But, what could have I done in such situation? She was not making any efforts to help me out. She was not assisting me in anyway. She became so rude and pessimistic. She started living in an imaginary world. She became uncontrollable. She became so absent – minded. I had no other option. I tried my best. She started………………..”
He could not complete the statement. He knew he is just trying to console himself. He knew he is just trying to get rid of this guilt. He knew because he always did this in past also. He knew he is just trying one another time to free himself from the sin that he did. Yes, it was a sin, a vengeful act. He just tried one more time to make his conscience realize that he is not the culprit, so that he may sleep peacefully during nights, so that he may one day rest his soul in peace.
“But it was me, who left her. It was me, who told doctors to take her along with them to some mental asylum. How could I forget the silence she had on her face while leaving? How could I forget the pain in her deep eyes and that fake smile on her lips? How could I ever forget that one question?”
“Don’t you need me anymore? Please, never come in front of me again. I fear I will again fall in love with you. Haha…..”
“How could I forget that sound of her last giggle? Whether that sound was a penance or remorse or disdain, I don’t know? That sound still wakes me up. Is she summoning me during her last breath?”
His coffee has cooled down and his eyes are still watering, still unclear whether it is because of rain drops or because of tears. But, the reddishness in his eyes is now hard to hide.
“I want to see her. I want to meet her. I still love her a lot. Yes, I want to meet her, one last time.”
This time, the tears are rolling over his cheeks and they are real. They are the signs of his love for her, his care for her and the insidious pain, hidden inside his heart for almost three years, when he left her all alone in a different world.
He comes out of his cozy home and starts to move in rain and thunderstorms, still unaware of circumstances, still directionless, but with the hope that he will meet her, that he will see her after 30 months and with a shine of love in his sparkling eyes. This time, tears falling from painful eyes are out of happiness, out of amusement that he will see her again.
“I want to meet Mrs. Pia Mehta.”
“That Schizophrenic patient?”
“Who is she to you?”
“She is my life. Please let me meet her.”
He prayed at the reception in such a haste way, which showed his eagerness, his true love, which re – aroused and re – awaked after so many seconds, so many minutes, so many days and so many months.
“Sorry sir. You are late. She died yesterday.”
“What? She died. My wife died. I am late or she did not want to see me. She has not forgiven me. She has not…………”
Tears start drowning him in the ocean of misery, extreme sorrow and girth of contempt. Contempt on himself, contempt on his love, contempt on his decisions, and contempt on this whole world, which led him to let her suffer alone. He sits there, just in front of the reception, yearning and craving to die at that moment only. But, he cannot die. She does not allow him to do so. All that he can hear was the sound of her last laugh and he is left with tears and tears only!