Gathering a few remnants

It was early morning, yet the Kolkata general hospital was teeming with people. To Chitra they looked depressive, sad and above all, strangely hopeless. She looked away and forced herself to think positive. She knew it was her own fear that manifested in every surrounding soul.

To bring diversion, she looked away from the ICU door to the pale green uniformed, lanky young boy, who was busy mopping the floor with pale white water that bore a heavy stench of phenyl. The smell had been strong and she quickly drew her hanker chief over her nose.

It had been just cleaned and sanitized, when Dr. Bothra, the doctor-in charge walked towards them, the middle- aged trio of two women and a man.

The doctor came towards Chitra and spoke slowly, as if assessing the potential reaction of his words. “I’m sorry Mrs. Dasgupta, but we couldn’t save your son!”

For Chitra, the words of the surgeon sounded confusing, but later, its gravity was immense. Chitra swayed and collapsed, hitting the floor hard. However, she did not feel a thing.

In the evening, Sonia, Chitra’s sister sat still on the bench of the hospital park. Her husband Sunil sat serenely next to her, oblivious to the crowd, the incessant banter around.

“What shall she do now?” Sonia spoke, as she cried softly.

She was forty five, however, the turn of events post his nephew’s bike accident had made her look more aged and pale.  For the past two days, hospital hopping had left her exhausted. Tired and disheveled, strands of hair fell loosely over her forehead and played around her cheeks. Wrinkles and dark circles had patched her face. Even her husband Sunil, looked more haggard than ever.

“It was first Gudiya, then dada and now….” Sonia broke into fresh sobs. “Why can’t god simply give her some peace?”

Sunil was barely listening to anything. Dressed in a grey shirt and black trousers, the fifty-two year old man was sitting with a vacant expression in his eyes. He gazed at the crowd of the hospital park absent mindedly. His wife had been crying uncontrollably since morning, since the time of their nephew, Babu’s death, but unfortunately, he had been too shocked to react or utter a consoling word.

He shifted uncomfortably after some time and was surprised with his body stiffness. He did not remember just how long he had been sitting like that. He turned and looked at his wife, who was absolutely still. She looked dead. It was only her constant flow of tears that marked her living.

Sunil gently wiped the tears off from his face. Sonia did not react or look at him. She was still lost in her own world.

“I don’t know what to say!” Sunil admitted. “I guess we need to be strong or else Chitra might never recover!”

Sonia looked at him with her wet eyes. “I have lost my strength Sunil. I can’t. I tried to help her at Gudiya’s time, but then I had help from dada and Babu. Later, when dada died, I still had Babu and now with him gone, I can’t imagine anything anymore! I don’t know how I will help her Sunil! I…”

“I know!” Sunil said holding his wife, who was rocking nervously. “I know it’s all…it’s over, but she has to live Sonia and only you can resurrect her, maybe…maybe one last time!”

“How? Oh please just tell me how?” and she wailed, throwing her into his arms. This time the couple cried their hearts out.

Chitra stirred. She opened her eyes slowly and found a wall appearing. It showed a few cobwebs at the corners and a slightly dusty ceiling fan, creaking and fanning at a very slow pace.

She moved her head, but it felt tremendously heavy. She had been drugged. Somewhere far away, she heard something, or maybe someone. “Is Babu home?” she asked groggily. No sooner had she said this that she fell silent. She had fainted again.

—

Two years later, post the accident, Chitra shifted her base. Though reluctant initially, Sonia ensured that she had her daughter, Rekha living with her.

“I’m leaving mashi!” Rekha called out. There was no response. She breathed heavily and shook her head. She went to her aunt’s bedroom, where her aunt sat gazing outside the window.

“Mashi!” Rekha called gently looking at her aunt. “I’m leaving for my department!”

Chitra looked at her with a start. Rekha was dressed in her well starched cotton sari with her leather folder in hand.

Chitra fumbled, “I’m sorry, I must have….”

Rekha waited for her to complete the sentence, but her aunt’s saddened expression explained.

“It’s ok” replied Rekha. “I am leaving, so close the door. I shall be back by seven”, she called out as she quickly grabbed her pursed and walked towards the main door.

Chitra nodded slowly and followed her niece to the door.

She had latched the door and was heading towards her room, when she remembered. “I forgot to ask if she’s taken her lunch box!” she thought out aloud. She quickly ran and opened the door, but Rekha had left by then. Chitra rushed to look outside the bamboo gate of their quarter, but her niece was nowhere in sight. Chitra craned her neck to see her car swerve out of the lane.

“Some memory I have!” Chitra frowned. She went indoors and once again latched the door.

She walked into the kitchen, to witness a pile of dishes lying in the overflowing sink. There were crumbs of bread lying along the stove and cooked food, lying in uncovered vessels. Chitra noticed the hot vapors emanating from them.

“Poor thing made lunch for me as well in this rush!” Chitra thought pitying her niece. She grabbed hold of a few stainless steel plates and covered the dishes. Slowly, she cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes and kept the food in the refrigerator.

She ate one slice of bread, and some medicines.

“I think I should lie down a little and then do some clothes washing”, she thought in her mind. She went and lay down on her sofa.

She lost track of time and slept on.

“You had again fallen asleep?” Rekha asked as she saw her aunt, open the door. Her eyes had puffed up with sleep.

Chitra tried to hide her swollen eyes by rubbing and turning away, but her niece swiveled her around. “You again took the pill? Why mashi? Didn’t I tell you to not take it?” she asked in utter disbelief.

“I…I did not want to, but I just wanted to ….”

Rekha threw her folder on the dining table and slumped onto a nearby chair. She rolled her eyes and held her forehead in annoyance. “Why are you doing this? You’ve got to control yourself!”

Half nervous, Chitra played with her sari’s edge, thinking of a better explanation. She stood still and looked at the floor.

“Are you listening to me? I am talking to you mashi!” Rekha spoke with a raised voice. She quickly recovered when she realized that her aunt had tears in her eyes.

Holding her gently by the shoulders, she made her sit on a chair and sat down, near her foot.

“Mashi, please don’t cry!” she said softly. “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you, but please understand! Those pills should not be taken unnecessarily. They won’t do well to you!”

Chitra still remained silent.

Heaving a sigh, Rekha looked up and cupped her aunt’s face into her palms. “Do you want to come with me to the theatre tomorrow? There’s one happening and I know you will love it!”

Chitra looked at her. She opened her mouth to decline the offer, but was silenced.

“No. I don’t want to hear another excuse! You never accompany me anywhere. You know all my friends ask me about you. They want to meet you mashi, but you simply shy away from all. Now that’s not fair!”

Rekha frowned, looking annoyed and hurt. Chitra took pity. She stroked her head and said, “What time is it tomorrow?”

—

In the evening, Chitra was waiting for Rekha outside the theatre, when a young man, about twenty five, walked up to her. He held a black folder in his hand.

“Excuse me auntie, but are you Rekha’s mashi?” he inquired curiously.

Chitra looked to see the handsome face of a well dressed boy, eyeing her curiously. She identified him as one of the lead actors in the play. She smiled and nodded hesitatingly.

“Rekha has told us so much about you! I’m Anirudh” he said touching her feet.

Chitra, feeling a little embarrassed, blushed. “Oh please don’t do this!”

“Did you like the play auntie?”

Chitra nodded. “You were very good in it!”

Soon two more boys approached and introduced themselves as Rekha’s friends. Chitra was soon engulfed in their discussion and opinions on the play. Though she liked them, but at the same time, she felt a little confused and scared amidst this new, young crowd of actors. She kept looking around for Rekha.

“How did you like my character auntie? Do you think it was a little subdued?” asked Anirudh.

“What can I say? I…I have never acted before!” Chitra spoke apprehensively. She started cracking her knuckles and looked around for Rekha. She wanted to go home.

“Oh, auntie, but we have heard of so many stories about you. Rekha told us all about how you used to write plays and plots for drama in college and in university fests!”

Chitra had started fidgeting by now. These were the discussions she wanted to avoid, but had no escape.

“Would you write to assist my friend auntie? He’s a very good friend of mine, a director and is looking for some good writers. I can suggest your…”

“No!” Chitra almost shouted. Realizing her abrupt outburst, she quickly calmed. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I would like to take it up!”

Anirudh sensed her trepidation and spoke carefully, “You can just try. My friend is in dire need and he will be happy if you can!”

“No, I’m extremely sorry, but please don’t lay any hopes on me. I might….might just fail.” Chitra looked around here and there, searching desperately for Rekha, when Rekha walked to her with a smile.

“I can see you’ve met Anirudh and his gang? Wasn’t he good in the play?” Rekha asked her aunt as she joined them. However, seeing her aunt’s frozen expression, she grew concerned. “Is everything all right? You look upset!”

“It’s because of me I guess”, Anirudh said softly, eyeing Chitra with regret.

“I was asking your aunt if she would be interested in writing and assisting plays. I had read a couple of her previous works and liked them a lot. I was asking if she would like me to refer her to Amit! You know him right?” he asked, turning his attention on Rekha.

Rekha sighed and looked at her aunt and then back at Anirudh. “I know him very well. Anyway, I think we should be going now, but if there’s anything on her mind, I’ll inform you.”

She quickly bade them goodbye and headed home in a hired cab.

“How did you find the play mashi?” she inquired looking at Chitra.

Rekha noticed her aunt, who looked different, at least relatively in a pastel green, well starched Bengal cotton sari and her hair, tied into a bun added some grace to her petite frame. Though she was minimally accessorized and looked a little cheerful because of the colors, Rekha knew that deep down, she was again slumping to her own world of grief. Though she was looking outside the car window, gazing mindlessly at the buzzing crowd of the A.J.C Bose road, Rekha knew that her mind was not registering their presence.

Chitra turned to face her niece. “It was good”, she lied. She had hardly watched any of the play as she was too engrossed with her own emotions.

Their cab had come to a halt at a red signal, when Rekha said angrily, “Don’t lie!” Rekha caught her off guard. “I was watching you and you were not paying attention to any of the scenes!”

Chitra again fidgeted a little and looked away at the pedestrians who were scurrying away to cross and get to the other side of the road.

Soon they arrived home. Rekha kept mum and watched Chitra, who hovered around the dining table, eyeing the small bottle of sleeping pills.

“I hope you’re not planning to have it again?” Rekha asked grimly, picking a bottle of water from the dining table.

“No I ….I was just checking the door!”

“It’s already closed!” Rekha replied quickly, eagerly waiting for her aunt to answer to her question. “You’ve still not answered my question!”

“I …” Chitra gulped. She was about to turn away, when Rekha stopped her and handed her the bottle of pills.

“You can have as many pills as you want, but remember one thing mashi, Babu will be very sad to see you like this.”

Chitra looked hard at Rekha, surprised and shocked to hear her words.

However, Rekha continued, “He’d always wanted you to be strong and independent. Don’t you remember what all he did when….” She stopped to take heavy gulps of air. “He was a child when Gudiya didi passed away. Did you forget how mesho and Babu forgot about themselves and helped you come out of your grief? You might not remember, but I remember how mesho drove you to all these writing workshops, just in order to get your mind off and make you grow? Don’t you remember how Babu used to bring home his friends, to make them hear you stories and plays? Babu used to go about gathering his friends so that you would write plays and they could enact it! Such was his enthusiasm to see his mother happy!”

Tears fell from Chitra’s eyes and she felt weak. She held a chair for support and Rekha quickly helped her. She drew a chair and made her sit. She poured a glass of water and made her drink.

“You can’t be weak now!” she said gently, brushing away a strand of grey hair from her forehead.

“I can’t…I”. No sooner had Chitra said this that she burst into tears. It was a wail, a helpless cry, an orphaned pain that she felt surge and pass through her entire body. Almost two years were about to complete, and yet the pain, the memories of her twenty four year old son came fresh and alive. As she cried, thinking of him, she relived the pain, the hollowness and the vacuum that she had tried to hide from her niece.

Rekha watched her aunt as she cried bitterly with her cheeks resting on the table and shivering violently. The sight was traumatic for Rekha, but she watched on, allowing her aunt to vent out her pain, yet once again. Rekha slowly moved to her, held her hard and hugged her shivering frame.

“Don’t cry mashi. We all know Babu’s still there, watching eagerly over his mother, but it’s only you who’s disappointing him again and again. Look at me!”  Rekha said cupping her face into her hands.

Rekha wiped her tears as she lifted her head. “Come with me to Amit and see what he wants. Just try once, see how you feel and then if you don’t like it, then I’ll tell never press you to do anything again!”

Chitra was still crying silently.

“Don’t you want to do something for your Babu? He would be happy to see his mother doing things that he’d always wanted to!”

Chitra did not say anything. It was neither a no nor a yes, but she did something promising. She kept the bottle of pills back on the table.

—

It had been a month and Chitra was finding herself driven once again into the world plays, theatre and writing. Amit, her director and now a good friend had given her a lot of support and strength and she was cherishing every moment of it.

“Amit has approved of my screenplay!” she said slowly to Rekha one evening.

Rekha came home, looking tired, but grew excited on her aunt’s update.

“That’s really nice mashi!” she exclaimed in delight, pulling her into an embrace. “Didn’t I tell you before? You were always a natural. I always knew that you would be good!”

“No, all this was possible only when you told me so. It was you and of course, Amit, who made me appreciate my work, or else I was just living in…..” and Chitra looked away, breaking her niece’s gaze.

She quickly adjusted her hairs and pulled them behind her hair. She picked up her sheets of writing and looked at them longingly. “Will you listen to what I wrote!” she asked turning to face Rekha

She smiled. “No, in fact now I would prefer to see it in play! By the way, what have you named it?”

Chitra hesitated. “I have not named it yet, but I wish to call it ‘Gathering remnants of life’!”

Rekha pondered over the title and then smiled. “It will be good! I know!” she reassured, squeezing her aunt’s hand.

Soon after a month, Chitra’s play was featured in Teen murti, a famous theatre in Calcutta, known for its novel screenplays and acting styles. There, the appreciation was tremendous and Chitra shared her little share of fame, for the first time with some established playwrights.

A Documentary maker from Bangalore got so impressed with her work that he offered her a contract right away. Chitra, though hesitant initially, she took it up on being urged by Rekha and Amit. Since then, there was no looking back. She started working, writing and working behind the stage as a writer.

Time flew, and personally and professionally Chitra grew too. It was eight years to that horrifying night and Chitra had grown, yet she felt a void every now and then.

“I don’t know what the problem is”, she voiced her anxiety over the phone. She was talking to Rekha, who had tied the marital knot and settled blissfully into another part of the globe.

“Relax mashi!” she said softly. “Maybe you’re pushing yourself too much! If you want, you can take a break and come over to me for a vacation! You will Los Angeles! There are many nice places around!”

“No, it isn’t about a break!” Chitra confessed. “In fact, I thought it would be resolved with a break, so I even went to your ma, but there’s no peace of mind after a break too. I mean, I’m happy with my work, the people around me, but I just feel….”

Rekha sighed. Though she was glad to find her aunt gain confidence and conviction over the years, but she knew the void would always be there.

“Maybe I guess, I will have to live with it!” Chitra spoke sadly.

Rekha spoke after a brief pause. “You’ll have to find some new way or cultivate a new hobby to keep yourself happy. Ever wondered about joining the art of living course? I heard it’s good!”

“I don’t know how good that will do to me, but I will try if you insist” she replied sounding still dejected and a little anxious.

“Now that’s like my good mashi!”

—-

The art of living course turned out to be a revelation for Chitra. Her first session was so awe-inspiring that she drew closer to the concept more and more. She changed her lifestyle, resorted to vegetarianism, meditation and yoga. She even started practicing and made a few others follow the route. Her social network widened and it was on a fine day, she came across a Nita.

“My work hardly used to leave me any time for any self-improvement!” Nita said one day. She was a thin, frailer, childless widow about fifty years of age. She had struck a chord with Chitra ever since she found her inclination to a spiritual living.

“How is it to be working for a noble cause?” Chitra asked her new found friend, who worked for an NGO.

Nita’s wrinkled face, lit up. “It’s very satisfying. It makes me feel complete and mostly, useful!”

These were the magical words Chitra had been dying to hear and feel for long.

“Can I come and visit sometime?” she asked reluctantly, eyeing her with some apprehension.

“Yes of course! The people will be very happy if you decide to volunteer!”

Chitra knew that she would love to do such work and looked forward to visiting Nita’s NGO, which was working with settling slum dwellers and giving a new lease of life to the numerous wandering and abandoned children by way of orphanages and rehabilitation centers.

Chitra woke up the next morning, feeling a little nervous, a little excited. She had no clue why she felt so. The bell rang and she quickly went to open the door of her new one bedroom apartment, to which she had shifted post her niece’s marriage.

“Oh, you’re here!” she said looking at Nita. “Just give me another ten minutes!”

Nita smiled as she saw Chitra rush into doing her regular household chores. Hurrying, she came after ten minutes and then they drove off in an auto rickshaw.

They soon arrived, after about half an hour of road travel, to a building. The huge billboard read ‘Sri Sainiketan School for children’. Chitra walked apprehensively, experiencing a strange, unexplained heaviness in her legs. She looked around as if expecting something, someone!

She was soon ushered by a host of people, who all she guessed were well informed of her arrival. She realized she was fumbling for words when she saw all the people, raving about her writing skills. She quickly showed her interest to look around and meet the children. It was gladly followed and Chitra became at ease, to be away from so many compliments.

As she walked into the corridor, she could hear the playful chatter, the screams and loud cries of toddlers and children in primary classes. Unknowingly, she felt a chord being pulled. She was transported to the land of sheer bliss. She looked around anxiously and curiously with searching eyes to behold the mystical image of an innocent face, a liberated soul, a part of her children, her life, maybe even herself.

She was told to wait as Nita went to grab the keys of a particular room. Chitra was looking around, when suddenly out of nowhere a little boy, about four, walked up to her.

“I want that!” he said looking curious.

Chitra followed his tiny hand and found that he was pointing at a little kite that had stuck on the rods of a window. She noticed there was a tree outside, to which half of the kite lay loosely stuck.

“I want that!” the child pressed.

Chitra quickly went up to the window and secured it after much difficulty.

“Here you are!” she said handing the brightly colored kite to the child.

“What’s your name?” but it was late. The child had grabbed the kite, with both his hands and ran away.

Chitra watched the child longingly and he glanced back to see her and gave her a quizzical expression. Chitra melted.

“I noticed you already met Babu?”

Chitra looked shocked and puzzled. She turned to face Nita with a bewildered expression.

“The boy you handed the kite is called Babu!”Nita explained. “He has been in our orphanage for the past three years. He was only a year old, when he was left abandoned by his parents.”

“But why?” Chitra asked looking baffled. She wondered why such an innocent and charming child could be left stranded by his parents.

“Oh you can’t blame them. They have little resources to support themselves, so any additional responsibility is a burden to them and they do away with them. Anyway, lucky for him. He was founded by one of my colleague, right outside his door.”

Chitra was no more listening to the history of Babu, but she knew she had found something to live for.

She met little Babu a few times during the day and her heart fluttered every time he looked at her and smiled shyly. Chitra went home that day, lost in thought and strangely elated about her day’s experience.

“What is wrong with you?” asked her sister, Sonia. She had been waiting outside her apartment, when she saw her sister smiling.

Chitra looked up to her. She noticed her sister’s few grey hairs, loosely sticking to her forehead.

“You’ve become old!” Chitra remarked at her sister cheerfully.

Sonia looked puzzled, yet she smiled. “You noticed now?”

Chitra soon unlocked her apartment and got in.

“What’s so amusing?” Sonia asked, closing the door behind. “You look happy about something? Heard a joke or saw someone weird?”

“Yes you!” and Chitra broke into peals of laughter.

Sonia looked at her in shock and amazement. Sonia had never seen her elder sister in this state. Chitra was laughing, almost hysterically, after almost a lifetime.

That night she noticed Chitra was smiling more often, recounting funny tales at work and at home, discussing her writing and events at theatre. Sonia spoke less and watched at the amazing transformation. Her sister had transformed into something different, something that she used to be some fifteen years ago, before her children were snatched away mercilessly by god.

“You definitely seem different?” said Rekha, when she called her aunt from LA. “Ma was saying something, but I thought that she’d lost her senses. How could you start laughing like this? I still remember how you hated the idea of girls laughing out loudly!”

Chitra smiled as her niece recounted her tales. However, she did not feel bad about anything. “Rekha!” she stopped her abruptly. “I need to tell you something!”

“Yes!” Rekha said egging her to go on. “What is it?”

“I wish to adopt!” she left at that for a reaction.

“Are you sure? Have you seen someone?” Rekha asked a little alert and curious. She knew her aunt had, but she wanted to hear it out.

Quickly Chitra filled in about her NGO experience, pausing for Rekha’s questions and answering them heartily.

“I will be happy Rekha, if I could get the child’s legal custody!” she said sounding a little sad. “I have never wanted anybody this badly.”

Sensing her restlessness, Rekha consoled her. “Don’t worry. I’m sure you will be able to talk it out with the concerned authorities. Wait till ma hears it! She will be delighted!”

A couple of days later, Chitra’s urge and dedication, coupled with Nita’s efforts, helped her get the custody of Babu. Finally the day arrived, when she had to get little Babu home.

She mustered her courage as she walked on to meet the child, who stood in one corner of the small office, holding a broken wooden stick. Chitra saw a worker stack a few things of the little boy into a small carry bag. She saw him smile as she approached.

‘What is this?” she inquired curiously as she looked at the child’s stick. The child did not smile. He had been crying incessantly.

“I broke it!” he whined. “What will I play with now?”

Chitra noticed the child sniffing and sobbing in between his broken sentences. She took pity.

She gently took the stick and observed it closely. “This can be mended!”

“Really?” the child said with a twinkle in his teary eyes. “Can you mend it like new again?”

“Oh yes, I can. In fact, if you come with me, I’ll give you many good things to play with!”

—

Sonia had been waiting for Chitra for long. “I wonder what she’s doing? Why is she taking so long? I hope she gets his custody?” a series of fearful questions haunted Sonia as she cracked her knuckles in nervousness. She had never seen her sister this happy and she wanted to get the child’s custody as badly as Chitra. She jumped when the doorbell rang.

She opened the door to find the most mesmerizing face in the universe. Her heart melted at the sight of sheer innocence and bliss. A little boy, in beige shirt and black short pants walked in, holding Chitra’s sari edge protectively. He eyed Sonia curiously, a little fearfully. His eyes wandered around the room and the rested on Sonia. He looked at her for some time with a doubtful expression and then back to Chitra.

“This is mashi!” Chitra said. “She has nice toys! Don’t you want toys to play?”

Sonia was charmed when she saw the child shy away and hide behind Chitra.

“Isn’t he just my Babu?” Chitra said excitedly, looking at Sonia.

Tears welled in Sonia’s eyes and she was lost for a reply, but somehow it wasn’t needed then. She watched as Chitra busied herself in the child’s activities and remained oblivious to her sister’s presence. Sonia did not mind. On the contrary, she slowly picked up her bag and left them alone. However, before she left, she looked back. Suddenly, her cell phone rang. She picked up.

“Hello ma?” It was Rekha.

“Yes!” Sonia replied, choked with emotions.

“How’s the child? Has mashi come back?” Rekha threw her volley of questions, unaware that her mother was absorbed in the sight ahead.

Sonia wiped her tears. “Yes. The child is absolutely beautiful Rekha! He’s just like… like our Babu!”

Tears stroked her cheeks and made way to the chin.

“I’m glad Rekha that my sister has finally gathered a few remnants of her life. I’m happy that she again has become complete and found her Babu! I know she will now need no one to depend on. She’s grown! She has truly lived.”

Sonia did not wait to hear her daughter’s approval or nod of agreement. She heard her stifle a sniff and she knew her daughter’s tears agreed to whatever she said.

__END__