Reshaping Destiny

‘May I come in?’, the boy asked with soft but broken and nervous voice.

If you ever had to visit the principal’s office for breaking any of your wicked classmate’s nose who was making fun of your newly bought pair of shoes. Being totally unaware about the punishment you might get,you hesitated to enter into principal’s territory ; or if you  ever had stolen coins from your fathers book-pocket to buy candies assuming he might not have a count of those but you were wrong because he kept those money to buy exactly two gold flakes but came back home buying one as the money fell short and you got a call  from him for a little appointment;you might know what I’m trying to tell by broken and nervous voice.

‘oh, you don’t have to seek my permission to come in, I’ll only tell you when you have to leave’, was the instant reply from the man sitting on a wooden chair,wearing thick glasses of rectangular shape with carbon black fiber frame and having mix of grey and black hair.

The boy was puzzled for a second for this unexpected and extended reply; but he entered into the room ; gently closed the door and walked towards the man with his cautious steps trying to minimize the sound of his shoe heels hitting the marble floor each time .

‘May I sit?’,the boy asked with the same voice.

‘I guess you are not the statue of liberty or president’s bodyguard, so I don’t see any reason that you may not sit’ was the instant reply from the man again .

This reply agitated the boy from within,he thought what’s wrong with this 55 plus ,40% bald headed man,is he some kind of maniac or ignorant of the primary level of courtesy or simply trying to show his wit in a damn pathetic way. Anyway, he decided to keep his cool as he is the one in need of visiting the man so this tiny humiliation should not lead him to say something which would spoil the meeting even before it started.

After a pause of 10 seconds the boy cleared his throat and began, ‘Months ago, I felt a sudden acute pain on both side of my lower abdomen,and there was blood in my urine, you know, sir, I got scared and…’

The man abruptly started to speak without waiting for him to finish first,’I am yet to get a knighthood so don’t call me sir again,I have an MD in Nephrology and my name is Abinash Sen. So you can call me Doctor Abinash, but you are much younger than me so don’t call me Doctor Abinash either,simply call me Doctor, and now go ahead’.

The boy started again,’well,doctor, I got scared and then I visited Doctor Tapas Sen and he gave me some tests and told me to visit you with the results.’

‘Here are my test reports’ ,the boy said as he handed over the reports. And now a surge of fear engrossed him and started to take him down in the altitude as he is totally oblivious of what might be the findings from the reports.

The doctor took the reports and that was the first time he looked a bit serious over something since the boy entered into the room.

There was complete silence, and this silence was stretching the seconds longer and serving a sense of anxiety which is remotely similar to someone’s feeling, who is sitting in a silent examination hall at the board exam and waiting for the question paper to be served, not knowing how tough or easy the paper will be.

The boy was vaguely looking at the wall clock but he was completely unaware how many cycles had the seconds stick completed during that passage of time as his mind was occupied with something else. Sometimes, you are not actually looking what you are looking  at.

‘So, Prabir, you are only 19.’ The doctor broke the silence. He must have seen his name and age in the test report.

Pausing for a second the doctor started again,’Let’s come to the point straight, these reports say you have o+ blood and I guess you know that,your creatinine level in blood is very high; that means your kidneys are not working properly;so the question is how improperly they are working? ‘

Doctor stopped for a while. Prabir was looking like a broken person who is standing on the witness box and all the juries declared him as guilty of the offences he had been charged, now awaiting for the punitive actions to be declared against him by the judge.

‘your left kidney is not functional any more and the right one is on the verge of being fully damaged.’, the doctor said at his very professional voice. Prabir felt like a lightening struck his head. He always knew there was something wrong but never thought for a second that this would be so terribly wrong,not even in his weirdest nightmare.

But the doctor was ruthless enough to shoot again,’if there is not a kidney transplant taken place soon then I can only say that dialysis could save you merely few months’ .

Men can’t react so immediately on getting a big blow unlike women. They cant shout,they cant scream,they cant faint and sometimes they cant even cry; they just stare at the object which is source of their pain.

His heart was beating so fast that it felt as if the interval between two beats will be quicker than the interval between two consecutive strokes on the typewriter keys by world’s fastest typist. It’s like a storm is twisting the most innocent tree in the forest against its will, surpassing its strength of defence against the storm to stand still.

Prabir took a deep breath and tried to hide his inner turmoil. But, oh dear! It clearly shows.Gathering his strength, which is maximum possible for a human being under this condition Prabir asked, ‘what should I do now?’

The doctor replied with his same heavy and unmoved voice,’you will find a donor. You are a bit unlucky here as your blood group is O. You can donate yours to any person with any blood group but can only receive a kidney from blood group of O only. There is a process of ABO incompatible kidney transplant where you can take any kidney irrespective of blood group but that contains higher risk and needs quite sophisticated medical procedure and we are not so technically advanced here. So, you cut down that option. Now,you have to find a donor of O blood group only.’

Other than what he was experiencing inside for this kidney thing,one more thing was hitting Prabir real hard, was the indifferent behavior of the doctor and his complete unawareness of being visibly kind.

What type of human being are you that you cant even talk to a person who could be dead in few months if not extremely lucky with a soft voice; at least pretend man! Just because you are a doctor,just because you see human to die frequently, do you have to be so impenetrable? You guys are treated like god as you save human life, but sorry man, you are a complete failure in getting my respect, Prabir thought in his mind.

The doctor started again, ‘Your parents could be of help. It’s quite likely that one of them, if not both, could be of same blood group. Well, there are some exceptions though’.

‘My father had died when I was 5 and I don’t know what was his blood group and my mother is B-. So, I guess my parents will not be of help in this case, though my mother will always be wanting to sacrifice hers, like any other mother, in this world.’ , Prabir said with a bit agitated voice.

‘oh. I see’, this was the only reply from the doctor.

No,you can’t see,you big dolt. Prabir thought of saying but he didn’t.

‘Well Prabir, as I have to move to my next patient I have to leave you now. For your medication I will instruct Ajay.He is the junior doctor here and assists me ‘,the doctor said.

Then he shouted ‘Ajay’ ; and a man in his mid thirties came from the adjacent room, whom Prabir didn’t see yet.

‘You wait outside;Ajay will call you for medication and other stuffs’, the doctor said.

Prabir left the room and sat on a bench outside. There were other people who were waiting for their turn to go inside. They all had anxious looks in their eyes. After all nobody wants to visit a doc unless it’s out of their hand. He was watching those people; their clothes,their footwears and making guess about them, their social status and economical health .People say a footwear can say a lot about a person.

He was doing this because he didn’t want to fall in the trap of his mind to feel how miserable his life has been so far.

But, if you have the faintest idea about the human mind then you probably know that you just can’t divert your mind from something, if you deliberately want to divert your mind from that. Like, you remember those things more which you want to forget.

You only forget those things which are unimportant and not relevant anymore, but how can this be unimportant or irrelevant to you when you are just few feet away from the edge of a deadly trench and unless there is a savior, the hope of living is going to be quelled silently.

‘You,Prabir, come on in’, Ajay came and said which broke his lines of delirious thoughts.

He stood up and followed him. This time Ajay took him to other room and offered him to sit.

‘Well, your situation is intense. You need the transplant at the earliest. You need a donor along with around 2 lacs rupees as the  transplantation cost ‘

‘But how can I get 2 lacs rupees right now? That’s a huge amount for us. My mother can’t gather this much amount. We are not that rich,Ajay’, Prabir said with a agonizing voice.

Ajay looked compassionate;he had kind eyes and was trying to convey that he completely understands.

‘You know it’s unfair, damn unfair to my mom! She had already lost my father, now I’m also going to die. What is her fault that she gets a life like this?’ , Prabir said these words fighting with himself,his voice was breaking; it would have been easier if he could scream loud and cry but for some the tear drops are invisible as they don’t come from the eyes.

‘So, you are a student, right? Where do you study? What do you like to do? ‘, Ajay asked him with  a very gentle voice; may be he wanted a diversion from the topic. He put his hand on Prabir’s shoulder,pressing gently.

On a normal day, I mean a day not like today, this gesture generally serves an assurance from your closed ones that everything’s gonna be allright.

‘I study geography hons, first year, in Ashutosh college. You know, I don’t like geography. I mean, I have no intention to know what do the people of Ethiopia do for their living, or what is the population of Japan, what sort of trees grow in the Himalayan range,how much sugar Brazil produce every Year. I don’t want to know these all. It doesn’t create any difference in my life nor it makes me wiser.

I like to be a painter. I would like to see this world in a different shade. There are always something hidden even in the most  unimportant things, the most neglected things in the world. I just want to find those out and give them some color,some meaning and then probably they would not look so unimportant.’, Prabir said these all without stopping,his voice was not breaking now, rather his eyes were glowing like those of a kid just got a new toy gun.Ajay was not sure whether he understood it all, it was a bit lyrical and abstract; the color thing.But, he returned a smile.

‘Ok listen, sometimes we get people who wants to donate one of their kidneys but of course you have to buy them. That may cost one more lac. You try to find by your own too. We are keeping your contacts; In case we find someone we will immediately let you know. But, you arrange the money. And I’ll let you go now.’,Ajay said smiling.

This dragged Prabir back in the reality again. And he stood up, gave a smile back and turned to leave.

He had to leave through the doctor’s room. He was passing through without looking at doctor’s face. He was trying to avoid him.

‘Hey, you, how are feeling now?’, ‘doctor asked.

Prabir was already tormented enough and depressed immeasurably, this apparently innocent question from doctor lighted up his anger. He stood back and faced the doc and said, ‘You know something,sir, I know that you didn’t receive knighthood yet and I know you wont get it either; it’s not for people like you. And to answer your question, let me say that I am feeling like I am at top of the world with a few bottles of cabernet and there is a symphony playing around and I am quite exhilarated and I feel like dancing.’ And he left the room quickly without waiting for doctor’s reaction.

 

***
Prabir was walking down the road. The world was moving at its pace. It was the later part of afternoon.
Sunlight grew almost a day older and soon will be dead to welcome the night. The beams on the leaves looked like molten gold . The birds were tired flying all the day and will go back to their nests. But, there are always some birds who lose their path way back home and fly directionless in search of  it. Prabir was like one of them.

All the red minibuses were full of people,mostly office people going home with their tired eyes and sweated shirts. Prabir thought how pathetic is that they all will live but he will die. The old man ,selling puchka to a young girl who was drinking a lot of that dirty sour water will live.One mid-twenty couple was walking down the road holding  each other’s hand; they will get  married someday but he wont live. The fruit seller will live, the auto driver, who had broken the  traffic signal will live.

One little girl with her dancing costumes was coming from her dance-class  grabbing her mother’s hand and pointing her little index finger to an icecream vendor; one day she might become a good dancer, or may be she would leave dancing because of her study;  whatever, but she still will live . And he is going to die because of his goddamn kidneys will stop functioning. Oh god,oh god, why me?

Prabir took a minibus which was on the wrong route and quite empty, not all the seats were filled up yet. Prabir took a window seat and assumed the air on his face will rescue him from his suffocating delirious thoughts. But,actually they were coming more in numbers. A lost sailor in the mid of an ocean, trying to handle the storm where the biggest wave is coming to crash on him.

Prabir remembered the day when his father died. Prabir was a little kid. His father was lying on a bed and he thought he was sleeping. But, his mother was crying hysterically. He asked himself why maa is crying, why don’t she give him a shake and wake him up. He went to his mother and she cradled him in her chest and began to cry louder and then she fainted.

Then, some of the men came and took his father to a wooden cot; there were flowers, mostly white flowers. He was still sleeping. Prabir ran to the cot and touched his father’s forehead gently ; he was so cold.Assuming something wrong had happened he broke into sobs and his lips were trembling and he was pushing his father gently and saying , Papa, i am stuck with a multiplication,wake up papa,they will scold me in school tomorrow, papa.

Then someone came and pulled him from his father. They took his father to the burning ghat and took Prabir with them too. They laid him on a stack of wood pieces. Prabir understood his father will not wake up; not today, not tomorrow and not ever. He felt devastated and became silent. He just followed what they were instructing . They let him put flame on those stacks and his always-smiling father gradually turned into ashes.

Prabir felt a rolling drop of tear on his left cheek and wiped it instantly; he didn’t want to stand an astonished look from the person sitting next to him in the bus.

Did I say earlier that men don’t cry normally ? Well, I am saying the same thing again. But, when they do, you just can’t fathom their pain.

And then the real struggle started. His mother got a fourth grade job where his father was working. He always understood his mother’s economical condition. During Durga Puja when everyone he knew used to buy new clothes he never asked his mother to get him one. He saw his mother’s tears for the pain of her inability to buy him a new shirt. He liked toy cars very much and used to stare at the new toys at shops when his friends were buying them. But, he didn’t ask his mother for money to buy one.

He used to bring the broken and unused toys from his friends. He saw his mother wearing the same sari for years. The colors were faded but she didn’t buy a new one. But, she always bought him new books for his study. And,she always said,’I dont expect you to become an IAS officer, just be a good human first like your father was. And the rest will follow. ‘

And that was something he was always trying to be. He never took a path which will make him ashamed to face the mirror. He didn’t cheat in exams. He tried not to hurt people deliberately. He never let someone down. He never broke someone’s trust whoever kept it on him.

And now what! He is the one who is dying. He didn’t know whether there is a god or not. If  He exists ,why is His judgement so brutal and so partial for somebody? Well, he didn’t want the answer though.

Now, the hardest part for him is to explain the things to his mom. He had to say his mom that still there is hope, though deep inside he knew that’s quite obscure.

 

***
A month went away. It felt like years. A troubled mind would never have a true sense of time. Prabir couldn’t find a donor yet. His situation was towards the worst. His mother didn’t cry in front of him but whenever he looked at her, he found her bloodshot eyes and dark circles beneath the eyes. She looked feeble and lost her weight so much that it was hard to assume there is any flesh in her body.

Prabir on the other hand went through two rounds of dialysis. His legs were swollen and looked like banana tree. He had headache, nausea and he couldn’t eat any solid food. There was utmost pain both physical and mental.

He wanted to live so much. He wanted to live for himself and for his mother. Last night he had a dream that he is having an exhibition of his paintings. A lot of people are coming and seeing those paintings. They looked pleased with silent appreciation in their eyes. And, the most precious gift for an artist is those looks on their faces. It’s priceless! Nothing can give you that and nothing can take that away from you.

And, then he waken up. It was dawn. They say dream in the dawn usually becomes true, oh; how pathetic!

He thought about Ashmita. He was never able to tell her how much he loved her. She became a part of his thoughts. Both his conscious and subconscious mind were filled by her.  She dwelled in both at his awake mind and his dream. He thought to tell her about these.

But one day he came to know that she is already having an affair with a guy called Rajesh. His  heart was broken into pieces. He could not sleep that night and many more nights after that. He thought of not thinking about her but couldn’t get rid of it. There are several predicaments a human has to face in his life and one-sided love is quite certainly one of them.

Then he thought that all of these pain and sorrow will go away with his death. There will be no ache anymore. No more dwelling on this world of bricks, full of filth.

But,oh no,I want to live still. I want to live. He thought with an aching mind .

And, irony of the fact was, somehow his mother was able to gather an amount of 1.65 lacs. Which came from her PF money and selling her remaining ornaments. But, these money will be of no use without a kidney donor.

And the next day Prabir got a call from Ajay, ‘Hey Prabir. Listen I am not asking how are you because I know you are not well but there is something good for you. We have got a donor. Are you able to arrange the money?’

‘Not 2 lacs but almost 1.65 lacs.’ Prabir replied .

‘Ok’ ,Ajay seemed hesitant .

‘Anyway, come tomorrow at the hospital,we’ll do the compatibility match and for god’s grace if everything goes fine no one can stop you from being a painter’, Ajay said smiling.

‘Ok,god bless. See you tomorrow.’, Ajay hang up.

Prabir felt elated. He felt like there is no pain in his body. He felt like shouting in joy but ended up calling his mom.

He told her mom everything. And the first thing his mom did was closed her eyes looked above and murmured something,most possible she thanked God and needless to mention there were rolling drops of silent tears in both her eyes.

 

***
Next day at the hospital, the compatibility tests were done. Test results showed donor kidney is compatible to be used in Prabir.

‘How much do we have to pay the donor?’, Prabir asked Ajay once they met.

‘Well, you don’t have to pay anything to him. As you have only 1.65 lacs of rupees, you will just bear the transplantation and the medication cost.’ Ajay said.

‘And one more thing, for some reason the donor is not willing to reveal himself. So,you will not know even who he is.’

Prabir looked puzzled and felt overwhelmed by that man’s graciousness. Well, it made him think that still this world has some noble people.

‘And who is going to lead this operation? Is it that man,Doctor Abinash Sen? ‘, Prabir was curious.

‘Ha ha ha, you really don’t like that man, do you? No, he is on leave now. Doctor Partha Biswas will be leading this operation. And he is a damn good one.’, Ajay replied smiling.

And, this gave Prabir a sigh of relief that the man he hated is not operating him.

Prabir’s mother deposited the money. And the nurses took Prabir to the operation theater. Prabir’s mom started to pray for her son. Prabir started to think about his new life until they gave him some doses of anaesthetic drugs.

 

***
Three months passed by. The operation was successful. Prabir was recovering very quickly.

He was able to walk, he could eat and his renal function was completely normal. Though, he had to carry on the post operation medication for some days.

He got his life back. He started to think of the brighter prospect of life. He learnt to view the world as vibrant and colorful as they are in paintings. No megrim with its greatest strength could submerge his spirit of staying afloat.

He started to paint again. And his object of painting was shifted from the beauty of nature to beauty of human life. Sometimes human life seems more beautiful than nature if you are able to extract the sad part from it.

But, one question haunted him the most why the donor has to hide himself? Is it some sense of self righteousness to remain in bscurity in a world which is reputed for being full of malicious creatures where greatness is just a non-existent made up word; he marveled.

Or is the man someone he knows. And this thought struck him.

Is he doctor Abinash Sen? No, No, he could not be the man. Prabir replied himself.

But, a second thought instantly came in his mind.

Why didn’t he operate him when he should be knowing his case better. Ajay said he was on leave that time. Did he tell the truth?

Prabir felt quite messed up thinking he is the one or is he not?.

Two conflicting thoughts are fighting with each other like two kite threads are fighting and one has to be cut down.

Now, if he asks Ajay he may not tell the truth as he could be involved in it too.

He took his phone and called Ajay, ‘Hello Ajay,look there is something I need to talk about . I need to fix an appointment with doctor Abinash. Could you please help me on that? ‘

There was a silence on the other side for couple of seconds.

‘Hi, are you there? ‘ Prabir enquired.

‘Yeah, how are you and how is your health. Are you taking the medication properly? Don’t worry you will just be fine.’, Ajay said completely avoiding his previous question. His effort of hiding something, something related to Abinash was clearly visible.

‘Well, I am doing good. But, man, see I really want to meet him.’, Prabir said.

‘Why don’t you just leave him. He has nothing to do with you and your operation. He did the diagnosis and that’s it’ , Ajay said in haste.

‘But, what’s the problem to meet him once; this is something which seems abnormal to me that you are putting a deliberate effort here so that I don’t meet him, and that makes me think that there is something you know but don’t want me to know .’ Prabir said as fast he could say.

‘He is not here.That’s why you can’t meet him.’, Ajay said in his calm voice.

And that made Prabir’s doubt quite clear. One kite was just cut down.

‘You know Ajay why I called you, because I thought I guessed the man who gave the kidney. Still,there were few doubts but now I have no doubt.’ , Prabir said in a very soft voice. ‘It seems quite unusual to me but the man is Doctor Abinash Sen’,Prabir said.

There was a silence again for few seconds.

And finally Ajay said,’Meet me tomorrow.’

 

***
The next day Prabir met Ajay. And the first thing he asked was ‘Where is Doctor Abinash?’

Ajay’s face turned black; he took a deep breath and said, ‘He is no more.’

‘Only one of his kidney was properly functional, the one is with you now. The other one was partially functional though he thought he could make few years with that but situation went worse and he went into a phase of complete renal failure and died one moth ago.

Before he died he wrote a letter for you and gave a cheque of 1.65 lacs that you spent for your transplant and said to hand it over to you only if you find out he was the donor. But, he didn’t want you to find out that. That is why we did a bit make-up things’

Ajay said with calm voice. Then he handed over the letter and the cheque. The letter was in a sealed envelope and Prabir tore the envelope to read the letter.

Dear Prabir,

You are reading this letter means you already know the story, though I wished it would have been better if this letter didn’t find you. But, you are smart enough to reach till here. Now, the obvious question is why I did this. No, neither it’s because of some unprecedented sense of nobility nor it’s because of my desire of leaving a remark of a kind-hearted notion . It’s because of a tired soul, who has gone through a lot of raving phases of life, doesn’t want to see a mother losing her son anymore.

I know how it feels to lose a son. I know how it feels to lose a wife.

I have lost my wife during our son’s birth. My son never saw his mother. I was everything to him. He was everything to me. But, God didn’t like the idea, he took my son when he was just four.

He had acute leukemia and we couldn’t save him. You know how it feels to go back home everyday knowing that the two most beloved people of your life could not come out from the frame of the photograph hanging in the wall? You know how it feels to go through your son’s scrapbook and see his childish handwriting, his mistaken spellings? You know what happens in your heart when you see those little school uniforms, little socks and small water bottle? You know how tough it is, not to feel those tender hands at your face any more? I wish you never have to feel these. I wish no one has to feel these.

I had no power to save their lives. If there was any, I would have easily given what required.

But, In your case I had a chance to give you something that even your mother could not give you. I had a kidney of O blood group.

You know, even before you came to me I knew your case. Dr. Tapas Sen is my junior who referred you to me. Even before I saw your result I knew what was happened to you. And it was then, I made up my mind to donate my kidney to you if you can’t find a donor.

But, I wanted not to reveal that fact ,so I behaved so harsh . I didn’t want your mind to consider that there is a smallest possibility of a man will give you something who talks like that.

You got the phone call after a month from your visit to me. I could have done it earlier but I didn’t want everything to happen so quickly and so smoothly. I just wanted to create a reasonable doubt in your mind about me as the donor.

Same for the money thing; I don’t need your money, Son. I know how hard it was for your mother to arrange them. So, I am giving you the cheque and you take it back and join an art school and learn painting.

As a doctor I am not going to create a void in the hospital, there are guys who could lead this unit even better than me. And see, your operation was done without me.

My situation is deteriorating, I guess I have few weeks left with me only.

I am too tired now, son. It’s too long since I last saw my wife and my son. I have to see them again on the other side of this life. I know they are in heaven. I don’t know how they will look like? Did they grow older or like in my dream they are still at the same age for years and years?

Will they recognize me ?

Destiny just can not win every time.

It has beaten me twice. It has taken my wife . It has taken my son.

But, this time I played a little trick and I have beaten it this time. It was you who was dying and I was perfectly fine. But, I swapped the situation. I did a role reversal.

I have reshaped both of our destinies to stay with the people we love most.

And, you live your life to the fullest and drink lots of water every day,
Doctor Abinash Sen

Prabir just looked upward and said,’Well done doc.’ And that was the second time he cried. He thought if there were any background music in real life like it’s there in movies, it would have been ‘morning tide‘ by Poets of the Fall.

“Come to me now
And together we’ll go
Where the clearer winds blow
Far and beyond
Leaving behind
All our sorrow and pride
Kissing them good-bye
Into another life”

***The End***