Atonement – a sister’s love

“Rose! Rose! You must get a look at this. Quick come here.”

I walked over to Melanie getting up half heartedly from my tranquil spot. She stood next to a colossal tree in our local park. Leisurely I looked over her shoulder and discovered the cause of her excitement. Behind the tree a kindle of kittens were playfully nudging their mother. Melanie loved this kind of stuff. Bending low over the kittens, giving not a single thought to her new white baggy pants, she laughed and played with them. This would keep her busy for about an hour before she again pulls me up from my restful position to peek into a sparrows nest.

I came back to my blanket and continued with my yoga exercises. This relaxed me. Characteristically, I was short tempered and impulsive a complete paradox to Melanie. What really irritated me was my being incessantly compared to my perfect sister. It was very difficult to be a twin. We looked alike but inside we were two completely different individuals. Her sweet persona attracted everyone while my foul temper was criticized. I resented her but also contrarily I never hated her. I enjoyed her soothing company and to a level she made me serene.

Melanie always had a way with people. She instantly sensed their emotions and feelings. Our parents believed that there was no one more understanding and caring than their precious daughter Melanie. When mamma was stressed about her work sweet Melanie immediately took over all the household chores without even being asked. How obliging – makes me want to puke.

I remember vividly the many times I played pranks on Melanie just out of pure spite. The countless books that I hid, her clothes that I tore and her paintings that I ruined were a few common deeds out of which I derived a great deal of amusement. I suspected that Melanie knew about everything I did because after discovering her ruined clothes and paintings or after searching for her notebooks for long hours, she looked at me with hurt eyes that were beseeching. I did feel guilty then and silently undid my mistakes.

We spent our evenings in the park taking in the fresh air and the stillness surrounding us. Our lives intersected everywhere. We shared a room, went to the same school, studied in the same class and belonged to the same peer group.

I closed my eyes and breathed in the fragrant clean air. Melanie was a thorn in my life but also the very drop of dew that nurtured my existence. She was a constant presence, like a part of my body, which I could not separate.

“Rose, lets go for a walk.” Melanie squatted next to me and peered at me eagerly.

“Why don’t you go ahead? I’ll wait for you here.” I replied.

“Oh no Rose I could not possibly leave you here alone. Come with me please.”

Resignedly I got up and followed her. There was yet another thing. Melanie never went anywhere without me. The reason was not that she was afraid but that she believed being twins we must experience the world together. She didn’t want me to miss out on anything that she thought was significant. Like for example the new born kittens or the mass of wild flowers lying on the ground that presently Melanie was busy picking. I observed her. She was always so happy; I had a strange feeling that she had no sense of reality.

The only reason behind my being so obliging was not that I cared for her feelings – of course I didn’t! – It was just that already mamma thought I was spoilt and selfish so I made great efforts to avoid such confrontations.

“Melanie lets go home its getting late. We have to study for our class-test.”

Clutching a handful of scented flowers Melanie skipped next to me and flashed toothy smiles at anyone who passed us. My adorable sister always managed to get a smile and a pat on her head in return. We rushed home and later on sat with our noses brushing the text books. This was another domain where Melanie managed to do better than me. She was our class topper. But I always came second. Well that wasn’t too bad, was it?

After about an hour I went to the kitchen to get snacks for the two of us. I walked back with a plate of cookies balanced in one hand and two glasses of milk on a tray in the other. Melanie was fast asleep, her head pillowed on her text book. She was behaving strange lately, more so if possible. She kept complaining about a slight pressure in her head. I had caught her dozing off in the middle of a lecture, that too during her favorite History period. Weird nut, that’s what she was! I completed my chapter then woke her up for dinner. She groggily followed me to the dining room. After dinner Melanie fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

The next day in class, everyone was hyperventilating on account of a test. It was the final class test of our semester and the marks were to be included in the concluding result. I sat on my desk and skimmed through the pages. Melanie was sharpening her pencils and arranging her papers in perfect order.

The teacher entered and an uneasy silence filled the classroom. Looking around she spotted a couple of students who faired poorly in class – at that point she looked more like a vulture blissfully eying a dead carcass. She passed the question papers around. “1 hour” she said. It had an ominous ring to it. I started writing, immersed in the task and with one goal in mind. I had to beat Melanie this time. Last five minutes left. I looked across at Melanie sitting at the next row. She was staring straight ahead as if in a trance. I bet she had completed as well as rechecked her papers.

After the period I went over to her desk. She sat rigidly as if in a shock.

“Hey Mel, How did your test go?” I asked.

“Rose, I answered just one question. The rest…”

“What? You can’t be serious!”

“I just went blank, couldn’t remember a thing. Rose will you promise me that you won’t tell mamma.” Melanie pleaded.

“I promise.”

Poor Melanie, this would ruin her grades. She would be getting a “B+” for the first time in her life. Now why was I feeling unusually jolly! At the end of the school we both walked back home. Melanie was abnormally silent and her face was contorted into a frown. As soon as we reached home, mamma pounced on us.

“Mel, Rose how did your test go?”

“It was fine mamma” I replied

“Melanie?”

“Mamma I… my test…” Melanie stuttered.

God! The girl couldn’t lie to save her life!

“Yes Mel, how was it?” mamma repeated a bit worried now.

That’s when Melanie burst into tears. She told mamma her sorry little story about going blank in the middle of the test. I expected mamma to be disappointed in Melanie but instead she hugged her and said that “‘My dear little Melanie’ would do it better the next time.”

Sighing, I went to our room. As I was settling down, Melanie entered, still sniffling. I felt a little bit sorry for her but I guessed it wouldn’t hurt her to give up the position of the class toper for her twin at least for once. Even then a guilty pull inside me troubled my conscience for drawing a smidgen of pleasure from her misery.

I woke up in the morning to the sound of heavy retching. I peeped into the bathroom. Melanie was leaning over the basin.

“Melanie! What is it? Did you eat something wrong? Do you need a doctor?” I was panicking. Melanie was growing paler every minute.

“Rose, I…I’m feeling a bit woozy. I’ll be fine”

Not listening I rushed outside and called mamma. When mamma entered the bathroom, Melanie was lying down on the bathroom floor, unconscious. My memory of what happened after that was a blur of actions and the sirens of an ambulance. We waited outside the testing room for hours at end. At one point of time dad came and sat besides me. Finally the doctor ushered us into his office. He was holding the X-ray reports. My parents inquired about the ailment and that’s when the doctor spoke the fatal words.

“Melanie has brain tumor. The growth is at its final stage. There’s nothing anyone can do now. I’m sorry.”

My parents gasped in unison. They stared at each other dumbfounded. Silent tears were streaming down my mothers eyes.

“But…but…doctor there must be a solution. How could something like this happen so suddenly?” my father asked.

“The tumor Melanie has is of an exceptional kind. This sort of cancer grows very fast. It does not take more than three months to reach the final stage.”

“She is so young. My daughter…” mamma started crying in a way that wrenched my heart.

“I’m sorry madam. One week. That’s all the time she has got on her hands.” The doctor stated.

One week. I was numb. This could not be true. How could this happen to someone like Melanie? She was always so lively, optimistic and merry. No, no, no! My brain was screaming. I was the bad one, the bitter one. If anyone must die then it had got to be me. I will save Melanie, I vowed.

“You can see her now if you like.” The doctor said sympathetically.

Melanie was in room 16. I entered first. She was laden with tubes and wires. The sight was very forbidding. I sat at the edge of her bed and gazed at her intensely.

“Melanie?” I whispered. Slowly she opened her eyes.

“Rose, what’s wrong with me? I want to go home.”

“Yes Mel. You will be home soon. Don’t worry about a thing. You are just fine.”

A beautiful smile spread across her face. I smiled back. Mamma and dad came in. they spoke to Melanie in hushed tones as if she were lying on her deathbed. Melanie was my twin. As she believed, we had a lot of things to experience – together.

Dad stayed over at the hospital while mamma and I set for home. The house held an eerie atmosphere of gloom. Mama made me a snack, her hands trembling in the process. I silently ate it thinking of Melanie and after that locked myself in our room. I sat in my meditative position and recited over and over again, “Melanie is healthy. She would live to be a hundred.”

Hours later an incessant knocking broke my concentration. I opened the door to my worried mother. She sat besides me and spoke consoling words which I guessed were more for her rather than me. I did not pay much heed. Melanie was going to be hale and hearty. No worries at all.

I refused to go to the hospital but stayed home and continued with my obstinate chanting. I knew that my parents were worried about me but what I was doing was for the best. I chanted, I prayed and I begged. I grew feverish and had to be bedridden but my constant mumbling never stopped.

“Melanie is healthy. She would live to be a hundred.”

There were regular blackouts in my memory. I heard someone sobbing besides me and hoped that Melanie was fine. Was it morning or night? I had no awareness of the passing time. I occasionally felt a wet cloth on my forehead and also something being passed through my lips. Time had no meaning to me now. I realized that if Melanie went out of my life, then there was nothing much to live for. Everything I did was to compete with Melanie, to be better than her. She gave a direction to my subsistence.

At that moment I made a solemn promise to God that I would never ill-treat Melanie or misjudge her importance in my life.

“Rose! Rose! Open your eyes.”

I blinked. Blurry images surfaced in my vision. I focused on the person sitting on my bed.

“Rose! Oh thank God.”

It was Melanie.

“Melanie. You are alright. I knew it. I knew you would be.”

“Yes Rose and its all because of you. Mamma told me how you prayed for my life. The doctor said that he had never seen such a miracle! The tumor’s gone Rose. It just disappeared.”

I laughed with her. It felt so good. My fever was already coming down. I could see my parents in the background, smiling lovingly at us. Everything was fine. I knew that this incident had changed my life. All the times I had wished that I was not a twin faded away. I could not imagine my life not being one. Most importantly I could feel no resentment inside me, no bitterness just a glow of great satisfaction and happiness.

“I love you Melanie.”

“And I love you Rose.”

*******

 So, here I am, twenty-one years later sitting with Melanie, watching our children playing together in the local park. Melanie and I still two completely different individuals by nature with a strong force that binds us together. A relationship interlinked strongly with love on account of my atonement made many years ago.

My son is busy pulling Melanie’s son away from the swing set to get a good look at a spunky sports car parked right across the street. My nephew looked so disinterested that it reminded me of my disposition at being dragged away all the time.

“Go with your brother, Bruce dear. Your aunt and I were inseparable at your age. You should spend more time with your cousin.” Melanie advised.

Bruce looked at me with a grimace and I gave him back an understanding smile. With a shrug he went off with my son Marc. I smiled and leaned back against the colossal tree where once Melanie had discovered the kittens.

Somehow this did not surprise me at all. Life does come back in a full circle!

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