Unrequited – Part- 1

“Sam, I’ll call you in the evening.” Connor said quickly.

“Okay,” I replied, trying to hide my disappointment. He nodded and walked away to his car. I was left behind staring at him as he drove away with his new girlfriend.

I am Samantha Jones. Connor Ainsworth is my childhood best friend and I am in love with him. We met here in Guildford, when we were two stupid 7 years old kids. He had put gum in my hair and I had pushed him into the mud. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that but we became best of friends. That was 10 years ago. I miss those days when we were friends without the interference of unrequited feelings.

Since I have realized that I have non-platonic feelings for my friend, life has taken a U-turn for me. Life has become hard knowing he will never feel the same for me. Sometimes I don’t know how to be around him and it has become more difficult since he has started dating beautiful Clarissa. He has dated in the past, but Clarissa seems special.

Clarissa is a sweet girl so I can’t even hate her even if I so desperately want to. Something else that I can’t ignore is that Connor and Clarissa are very good together and more importantly, Connor looks very happy with her.

Although Clarissa is always nice to me, I can tell she is uncomfortable with close friendship I share with Connor. She does not always show it, but then perhaps a girl can always tell.

Sometimes I wish….just a wishful thinking on my part.

——-

Samantha was in her room, sitting on her chair facing towards door. She was working on her computer, searching for her project work when door opened and Connor entered the room. She was deep into her work and started when Connor touched her shoulder.

“What the hell!” Samantha exclaimed loudly and turning around in her swiveling chair.

“Sorry,” Connor said with a sheepish smile.

Samantha closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Once her rapid breathing and temper was under control, she opened her eyes. Connor was sitting on her bed, looking at her as if waiting for her to explode any moment.

“What are you doing here at this time and how did you get in?” Samantha asked, “I didn’t hear the doorbell.”

It was close to midnight and Samantha’s parents had retired early for the bed.

Connor simply shrugged in return, “I used the extra key hidden behind in flower pot outside your front door.”

Samantha raised her eyebrows. That was just like Connor to do something unexpected.  “And what are you doing here?” She asked.

Connor rubbed his neck nervously. “I am sorry.” He said, rueful.

“Why?” Samantha asked, even though she knew why.

Connor had forgotten to call her. It was not the first time that he had forgotten her and not the first time he had apologized. Since Clarissa had come into his life, it had become a normal occurrence. There was no thing that she could do to change the current circumstances, except perhaps breaking her friendship with Connor. There was no point blaming Clarissa. Girl didn’t even know she was wreaking havoc in Samantha’s life.

Besides, she had her whole life to feel sorry for herself. First, she had to resolve the matter at hand.

“I am sorry because I didn’t call you as I promised.” Connor said.

Samantha looked at Connor. It hurt her to know that he was slipping away from her.

“It’s okay,” She replied to his apology with a smile.

‘No, it’s not okay.” Connor said forcefully. Before he could continue, bedroom door opened and Samantha’s mother, Lisa, came inside.

“Connor, you are here?” She queried, though not surprised.

“Hello Mrs Jones,” Connor said cheerfully, standing up. Lisa greeted him with a smile and a hug as if it was normal routine for Connor to be in her daughter’s room in the middle of the night.

“Is everything alright? I heard you shouting.” Lisa asked her daughter.

“It was nothing. Connor surprised me. That’s all.” Samantha replied.

“Oh,” Lisa said. Then she looked at Connor. “Did you come from the front door?” She asked.

Connor nodded. “Yes, I found the key where you said it would be.” He replied.

Lisa nodded. “Well, I’ll leave you two to do whatever you’re doing. Good night.” She said.

“Good night Mrs Jones,” Connor said.

“Goodnight mum,” Samantha said as her mother left the room.

This was one thing about Samantha’s parents. They had faith in her friendship with Connor and they believed Samantha to tell them if her relationship with Connor changed from friendship to something more.

After that, Samantha went back to her project work and Connor took out his cell phone and started playing games.

“Can you take a break for some time?” Connor asked after a couple of minutes of silence, “We can go out.”

“Now?” Samantha probed. “It’s a clear night.” Connor responded with a shrug.

“Did you bring your bike?” Samantha asked excitedly. “Yes,” Connor replied, smiling. Samantha quickly saved her searches and shut down the computer. She got up from her chair and walked towards her wardrobe to get her jacket.

Soon they were out the front door and on Connor’s bike on their way to the hill. That’s what it was called, The Hill, a small hill situated on the outskirts of their town.

It was Samantha and Connor’s place. They loved spending their evenings there, gazing at the stars. It had become a ritual for them to spend summer evenings on the hill. However, as was the nature’s rule, nothing was constant and change was inevitable.

Tonight was the first night of this summer they were going to the hill for stargazing.

——-

Ground was soft, covered with grass, and air filled with flowery scent. Samantha and Connor were lying down on their backs next to each other, staring at the star filled sky. They were quiet, basking in the glory of their time together.

“Those stars look like thousand lit bulbs.” Connor said unexpectedly.

“Yes, it’s beautiful.” Samantha replied. “Remember the first time we came here.” She said looking sideways at Connor.

Connor looked towards her. “Yes, we were 8 and we were trying to count number of stars in the sky.” He said laughing.

“Yeah, we were here until past midnight and our parents were so worried. They thought we were kidnapped.” Samantha added laughing.

“They were looking for us everywhere and then they found us right here, sleeping.” Connor said remembering.

“That night was fun.” Samantha said with a fond smile.

“I miss those days.” She said wistfully, looking back towards the sky.

“We don’t spend much time together now.” Connor said reflectively, turning his face to the sky.

“No, we don’t,” Samantha agreed.

“Why’s that?” Connor asked.

“Because you have a girlfriend.” Samantha answered, still looking at the sky.

“But it’s not the first time I have had a girlfriend.”  Connor said agitatedly, looking at his best friend.

Was he kidding or was acting ignorant on purpose?

Samantha rolled her eyes. She almost groaned with frustration.  However, unfortunately, what Connor said was true. His first girlfriend was Melinda Abbott. She was their classmate. He had asked her out when he was 14. That was the first time Samantha realized that she didn’t like sharing Connor with other girl. Since then he had three girlfriends including Clarissa and since then, Samantha’s realization of her feelings had become more agonizing.

“You know something, Connor,” Samantha asked.

“What?” Connor asked.

“You’re looking at those stars, the bright one, and that barely visible one.” Samantha said pointing towards the sky.

“Yeah,” Connor said, “But why are you telling me this?”

“That bright star is my brain and that barely visible is yours.” Samantha said sarcastically.

“What does that mean?” Connor said sitting up, annoyed as he looked down at Samantha.

“Connor, girlfriends don’t like others girls in their boyfriends’ lives. Sometimes you’ll have to choose your girlfriend over your friend. Besides, we have grown up. It’s natural not to be that way we were when we were young. People have different life. They make different choices and sometimes they drift apart.” Samantha explained.

Connor didn’t like what he was hearing, and his expression said it all.

“You mean to say we won’t be best friends for ever.” Connor said angrily.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Samantha said frustratingly. She sat up and looked at Connor.

“Then what?” Connor almost shouted.

Samantha’s mind was muddled. She had no idea why Connor was getting cross. He was the one who preferred Clarissa’s company instead of his best friend’s. He was the one who had left her behind. Did he think he could have a girlfriend, get married, have family, while tagging Samantha along through all this?

“Why are you being like this? We are best friends, but we have different lives. Then you have a girlfriend and you like spending time with her. I mean you can count many factors why we are unable to spend much time together. It doesn’t mean we are not best friends anymore.” Samantha babbled, only half-conscious of what she said.

‘To be honest one day you will find someone who will replace me in your life. You won’t even remember this conversation or about you getting angry at the thought of ending our friendship. Perhaps I’ll become a thing of past whom you may perhaps remember occasionally.’

Samantha didn’t voice her thoughts, keeping them to herself would be a better and safer choice.

“I don’t like where this conversation is headed?” Connor said suddenly. Samantha broke out of her musings and looked at him. He was looking at her with a peculiar look on his face.

Samantha shrugged. “To be honest I don’t even want to know where this is headed. It’s better if we go back home and forget about this exchange.”

Connor didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes. Lost again in her thoughts, she was startled when Connor took her hand and pulled her up and led her to where his bike was parked.

“Let’s go,” He said.

Samantha remained quiet throughout the ride to her home. She hoped Connor would forget everything they talked about that night. What she said was wrong, she wished she had never said anything. Everything came out without any conscious thought on her part and now regret filled her heart. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even realize that Connor had taken a long roundabout route to her place.

“Good night Connor,” Samantha said as she got off the bike.

But Connor got off the bike and pulled Samantha into his arms. He hugged her tight and kissed her on the forehead. “Good night Sam and no one can replace you in my life Sam.” He whispered in her ear.

After that, he pulled back, got on his bike, and was on his way to his home and not once did he look back.

——–

Since that night, things had changed. Examination dates were out and everyone was busy. Although Connor and Samantha studied together, other than that Samantha didn’t get to spend much time with Connor.

Samantha didn’t put much thought on what Connor had said that night. She knew he was just assuring her, as a good friend would do. Sometimes she felt he was avoiding her. Whatsoever was the reason, Samantha was hurting. But she was too proud to ask him upfront. If Connor wanted to end their friendship, it would be his choice.

Samantha put a brave happy face for Connor and others, doing what they expected from her. But from inside she felt depressed. In dark of night, when she was alone in her bed, she would cry herself to sleep. And in the morning, her red eyes were always excused to the late night reading and lack of sleep.

However, what happened three weeks later, put Samantha’s thought process in complete chaos. She was shocked and startled to the core.

Connor and Clarissa had broken up.

***

(to be continued)