I turned ugly again

Me and Prerna were sticking posters of annual day celebrations when we heard the discussion of teachers from the meeting room. As we recognized the voices our Music Teacher Mr. Vinay and our Vice Principal Ms. Dixit were in conversation.

Ms. Dixit – So Vinay is everything ready.

Mr. Vinay – Mam Here is the stage conduction script & list of programs and participants.

After that there was a pause of few minutes as Ms. Dixit would be going through the papers.

After a while

Ms. Dixit – What is this Vinay why have you named Shreya in Welcome song and also she is placed in such important position, the center of first row.

Mr. Vinay – Mam she is the best singer in school and because of her short height she had to be placed in the front row.

Ms. Dixit – So take her in any other program. Anyway Welcome song is a group song her absence from it will not make a big difference.

Mr Vinay – But Mam what is the problem in her presence.

Ms. Dixit – I know she is the best singer and I like her too but I don’t want to give an ugly start such an important program. Please rework on the participant list and send it back to me within an hour.

Hearing that posters slipped off my hands and I rushed to my classroom.
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We were in the middle of our economics class when an attendant came and announced – All the participants in annual day function report in the music room immediately.

Three from our class including me were participating. We went to the music room.

As I expected Vinay sir announced – Folks there is slight change in the program. Sherya you will now be part of Patriotic song instead of welcome song and Deepti you will replace Shreya in welcome song. Vinay sir was looking at me only and there was a hesitation in his voice. I hope nobody has a problem in that.

Deepti came up and said sir but it is too short notice for me. The event is day after and I hadn’t practiced the welcome song.

So stay back after school is over it will hardly take two hours. Everybody move to your classes and Shreya you stay back. – Vinay Sir replied

Everybody else left me and Vinay sir stayed back in the room. My eyes were moist and I was trying hard not to cry.

Shreya My child you know the Patriotic song has very high pitches in that and Deepti was not doing well. Your voice is totally suitable for that song that’s why I made this change – Vinay sir explained.

Sir I know the actual reason – I said and the tears I was trying to hold back broke the bridge and flowed down my cheeks. I rushed out of the room towards washroom. There I cried and cried and cried.

I Shreya Rawat student of Class XII in St. Columbus School Delhi was a good student, the best singer of the school but also was the ugliest looking student also.

My short stature, thin body and quite abnormal features made me the ugliest girl one might have ever met. It doesn’t matter how you are from inside the first impression is what one sees. And its ones face which is seen first.

Although I was humiliated frequently and I got use to of it also but this time the blow was strong. But with the bad looks God has also given me the strong will and positive attitude in loads. It took me a little time to recover from that blow.

By the time I washed off my face and managed my hairs the bell rang and School was over.
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Me and Prerna were sitting on the last seat of the school bus. Prerna my best buddy she senses my pain before even I could realize that. She will get angry even on those comments which I’ll take in sporting spirit.

Leave the event, I say Leave the event then only they will realize. They don’t have anybody to replace you – said Prerna.

Oh Dear leave it if it doesn’t matter to me why are you so pissed off over it. It’s our last year I will see who the hell will lead the prayer in assembly from next year–I replied

I gave her a soothing smile.

Leave this topic and tell me have you finalized where are you and Sumit going to meet – I said

Sumit was the boy following her for last two years. She also had strong crush over him. It was only last week they met in a common friend’s party. Now she had to go on first ever date of her life this Sunday.

She blushed and said – it’s not finalized yet. But one thing is for sure I am not going to go alone you will have to come with me. Saying this she picked up her bag and waved me good bye. Her bus stop had come.

I got engulfed in my thoughts. Will somebody ever follow me or would like to take me for a date. Almost every girl of my age whom do I know was in relationship with somebody. How good one would have felt after being someone’s special.

In your teenage you always sought the attraction of others. But I know I’ll never get this chance. Am I jealous of Prerna, No I am not but her having someone in her life has increased my pain of being alone.
It’s painful very painful to be unnoticed, to be single, to be humiliated. People look at you not in admiration but in Pity.
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The Annual day function was just over. You should give auditions somewhere, you have a golden voice – Said Neeta one of our classmate.

“Excuse us ” – Prerna said snatched me and took me to a corner. We will meet at GIP Mall its final. You are coming with me, I don’t want any excuse, I have told this to Sumit he doesn’t have any problem. Oh God there is so much noise here I will come home in evening and then we will decide what to do further, please miss your music class today.

Hold – hold take a breath dear. OK you come home and then we will decide. – I replied
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I don’t know how she would have waited till evening sharp at 5:00 the door bell rang.

We were sitting in my room and I was giving excuses so that she would spare me from her date. I never wanted to go.
Prerna was forcing me when mummy entered with the tray of snacks and juices for us.

Where do you want her to come with you dear – Mummy

To GIP Mall we are having a get together of friend this Sunday and she is refusing – Prerna lied.

This Sunday, no this Sunday we have to go shopping for diya’s wedding. Parul aunty has already planned.

Diya is my cousin and like prerna she is also very close to me. She is getting married next month.

Aunty please send her, you go shopping alone, let her go with me please, please. She will wear whatever you will select for her, you have such a great dressing sense. Please aunty please. – Prerna begged holding my mother’s hand tightly

Ok –Ok She will go with you leave me know I have to prepare for dinner. Shreya I would also need your help Parul aunty is coming for dinner tonight. It will the last time Diya will be here before marriage after that we will have to seek permission of her husband to call her here. Mummy giggled.

Next day morning Prerna called up –

I couldn’t sleep all night and now I am totally confused what to wear can you please come up.

Please this is the magic word when this comes out of your best friend’s mouth it’s hard to refuse to do something.

Mumma I am going to Prerna’s place will directly go to the Mall from there – I said while going out.

OK dear do come back in time – Bye n take care – Mummy

When I reached her home , Preran was on phone. I think Sumit was on other side. She was sounding angry.

I have already told her to come with me she would have already left from her home by now. – Prerna

–Pause—as Sumit might be talking from other end

Ok then find a beautiful match for your friend and you as well. I am not coming and she disconnected the call.

I don’t know why my timings are always wrong. I sensed there was some tension regarding me going with Prerna.

Hey my dear all set to go- I said pretending as if I haven’t heard anything.
Come on lets finalize your dress I have to rush back home fast. You know Diya is insisting a lot to go for shopping with her, I couldn’t refuse. I said while opening her wardrobe.

She hugged me from behind, I felt something wet on my shoulder. Prerna was crying.

What happened I said hugging her back.

One of sumit’s cousin is accompanying him. He wants me to come with a friend to give her company. A friend, but not you because his cousin might not like spending time with you. I have told him if I’ll come I’ll come with you else he can take someone else. – Prerna explained

She was sobbing , I held her hand tight let it be dear. Why don’t you take Neeta along, I was anyways not coming with you.

No I won’t go. if he is not sensible about my best friend I also don’t have any feelings for him – she replied

Let me see, someone is lying, you don’t have any feelings for him, let me look in your eyes – I giggled.

After half n hour of discussion I forced her to go. I called up Sumit and said that Prerna will be coming as planned.

I called mom from the way that I’ll be accompanying her for shopping as the get-together got cancelled last moment.

Today I was very hurt not because I was rejected once again in my life but because the special moment of my best buddy got ruined because of me. I know even if she is going she will not be able to cherish the moment.
But this was not enough for the day after Prerna it was my mother who was to be hurt next.

Four of us Me, Mummy , Diya and Parul aunty entered a big designer showroom of south Delhi. I was already in a bad mood. Rest all were indulged in selecting the designer wedding stuff and I was busy in thinking about Prerna. Whether everything will be fine with her after all she had a fight with her dream boy even before her first date and that too because of me. Suddenly mummy broke my chain of thoughts.

Shreya – my child you also select something for you, Diya want you to wear Sari in her wedding.

I never had a good taste as far as clothing is concerned, I would wear whatever Mummy or Diya would bring for me. Moreover I was very confused as there were numerous options in front of me. Sales person had shown at-least 50 saris and I was unable to select. He ordered his assistant to bring more selective designer saris. The Assistant came and whispered in the ear of sales person look at the attitude of Miss world she is here to pass time she would not buy anything. The whisper was loud enough for us to hear.

Now it had became a prestige issue my Mummy and Parul aunty had decided to buy a costly sari for me so as to show them that we were actually there to buy and not to do the time pass. To close the issue I put my finger on a fawn color sari having glass embroidery. Sales person told the rate of the sari is 20000 bucks. It was way out of our budget but as it was a prestige issue now mummy ordered me to go for a trial.

A sales girl came up to help me in wrapping the sari. The sari was really nice I was looking in the mirror and smiling.

Why to spend so much Sudha dressing can only enhance looks cannot change them. She will not become Aishwrya Rai after wearing that sari. – Parul aunty said to my mother.

Mummy notice the sudden change in my expression she could see the tears which none could see. Although Parul Aunty was good at heart but is outspoken some times. The blow reached directly my mother’s heart. She stood up and ran out of the shop. I quickly got the sari unwrapped and rushed after her. Parul aunty was feeling very sorry. We cut short the shopping session and headed back to home.

I was habitual to all this I can tolerate any comment passed on me but today both my lifelines were hurt and so was I. I closed myself in my room. In evening papa knocked at the door he held a packet in his hand. There was the same sari in the packet which I had selected. He sat on the bed I kept my head in his lap. soon mummy also joined us.
You are my princess, No matter what other says you will always be my doll. Beta God do not give everything to everybody.

He makes lots of good faces but he hardly makes golden throats he has blessed you with. There are so many actresses and models but how many have reached the level which Lata Mangeshkar has reached.

I gave a broad smile to papa three of us hugged each other

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After a week was the sangeet ceremony of Diya. I had promised her that I will sing her favorite songs for her. Parul aunty had booked an orchestra so I thought of practicing with the group to give my best after all this was my wedding gift for Diya and I wanted it to be the best.

The orchestra director allowed me for it I had to go to their studio for practicing. I decided to go there directly after school. That was a good group, they had all latest equipments. And the singers were good too.

Hello sir I am Shreya, I am here to practice with your group for Diya’s sangeet function I introduced to the person who was on the keyboard.

Mam you go to the second room on left side. Director Sir is sitting there – he replied without even looking at me.
How rude he is I thought and followed the directions told by him.

Sir, can I come in – I knocked at the door.

Hello – You might be Shreya , Mrs. Parul just called in to tell that you would reach shortly. – Said Mr Dilip the Director of the Orchestra.

After few moments he took me to the hall where the rehearsal for the event was going on. He introduced me to his team members.

He is Sandeep, He will assist you further dear, and He is the best one out here. – Mr Dilip pointed towards the same guy who showed me the directions towards his room.

I moved further and stretched my hand forward for hand shake but there was no response from his side.

It was only when Sandeep looked upwards on the Dilip’s call when I noticed that he was not ignoring me, He didn’t saw me. Actually he couldn’t see anything. He was Blind!

Oh my God how wrong I was.

After some moments of formal introduction I got mixed up with the crew. Sandeep was really good at his work. He guided me well.

Shreya control your pitch on high notes. This song does not require such high note dear- Sandeep interrupted me when I was practicing a bubbly wedding number.

Oh really, then tell me how to sing this song – I replied in agitation.

He is good in playing keyboard but what knowledge he might have about vocals I said to myself. He is just showing off any trying to impose his seniority on me.

And the next moment I was stunned, Sandeep was singing, he had such a soul in his voice. I forgot everything and just got lost in his voice.

After singing two lines he stopped and turned towards me – This shall be the highest pith for this song ok. Now you repeat after me. – said Sandeep.

He sang again but I kept quite. I was still feeling the magic of his voice, no other voice going through my ear drums. My mind was repeating the line uttered by Sandeep but nothing was coming out of my throat.

He palpated and gave me a slight slap on backside of my head. Am I Clear Ms. Singer. Ok lets go for lunch first then we will continue this.

We moved to the next room. I was not carrying Tiffin for me so everybody else shared theirs with Me. For the first time I am feeling comfortable in a group of strangers. Such comfort I had never felt in the group of known people even, not even in my classroom or our society get together. No peeping eyes , No humiliating smiles as if my face or my looks didn’t mattered for them. People out there had the ability to sense the inner self of a person.

Sandeep Ji You have such a class voice then why this keyboard and all why not singing. – I asked.

The answer was not from Sandeep it came from another team member Rajan. He is a Real Dark horse. He is under the Guidance of Pt. Jyoti Shankar Ji he is learning Semi Classical.

Ok we will Spill the beans about me later now let’s concentrate on our work. – Said Sandeep.

We practiced for next two hours and then Sandeep left for his Singing class, I also left for home.

I don’t know why throughout that evening I kept on humming the same song which Sandeep sung the afternoon.
That day was the turning point of my life. That day I went face to face of beauty of Godess Saraswati, the Beauty of Music. The beauty which is our senses cant sense but our soul can feel. The hollowness within me had disappeared , I was feeling complete. I was feeling beautiful.

So how was your practice – Mummy asked me over the dinner.

It was good ,in fact very good – I replied with sheer joy.

My mother embraced me – cant you always be like this my doll, your face is glittering with joy dear. Something special has happened. – She said.

Nothing special but I have decided one thing I will Pursue Music as my career. – I replied.

Next day while rehearsals I had lot of chit chat with Sandeep. We got to know each other more. I had found a new friend in him.

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The Sangeet function went well. I invited Sandeep for wedding as well as my friend of course.
The board exams were approaching and I was fully into studies but once in a while I would call up Sandeep and have some chit chat. Once I even invited him home for Dinner. He guided me over the colleges or institutes which I could opt for my further studies.

It was our farewell party in School. After the party I had to meet Sandeep as he had to give me the brouchers of some music schools.

Some students were planning to for Lunch some were planning to go for shopping while others were just roaming around the school. Me and Prerna were standing outside the gate , waiting for Sandeep.

Prerna, Shreya would you like to join us , we are going to the new Mall near Saket. – One of our classmate asked

No , We are waiting for Shreya’s friend, you guys carry on – replied Prerna.

As Sandeep approached I rushed towards him. He came with one of his friend in a Car. I even forgot that Prerna was with me.

Welcome Sandeep Welcome to our School – I greeted him with a broad smile.

Thanks Dear, – He replied. He was walking with the help of stick.

As I was having a chit chat session with Sandeep, Prerna Joined the group of our classmates standing nearby.

Wait – I have left the brouchers in the Car I will just bring them. – Sandeep said and turned towards the direction from where he came.

Is Shreya going around with him. – I heard one of our classmate was asking prerna. Before Prerna could reply the other one asked , Oh my God but he is Blind. Only a blind can get around with her the third one added and the group busted in laughter.

Mean while Sandeep came back with brouchers he also had a gift pack and a card in his other hand.

Here are your brouchers Mam. – Sandeep Handed over the brouchers to me.

Me and my friend are going for coffee why don’t you join us he said and stretched his other hand to give me the gift.

What is this for – I asked.

Just that like that – he replied

What do you think Sandeep, You think that no one else would ever look at ugly Shreya so you would get a chance. How can you even think that I will go around with you. I am better alone I don’t need the support of someone who himself needs a support. – I poured all my anger on him.

What are you saying Shreya my intentions were not those I was Just. – He left the conversation in between. Dropped the brouchers and gift and turned back.

That evening I didn’t come out of my room. Prerna kept on calling but I didn’t even attend her call. Mummy and papa were very worried about my strange behavior.

I was feeling bad very bad. I never had such feelings for him and I had never expected this from him as well.

Next day morning Prerna came home she gave me the gift which Sandeep had brought for me. She had already opened it. She insisted me to have look at it only once.

I opened the Pack. It was Goddess Saraswati’s statue, there was a letter as well. After reading it my despair changed in guilt. I had committed the worst mistake of my life.

Dear Shreya,
Goddess Saraswati has blessed you with one of her best gems. You just need to polish it then the world will see its shine.
I have got a scholarship and I am going to Mumbai to pursue my graduation in Vocational Music.
I wish you all the best for your future.
Sandeep

I sat down on the floor holding that letter in my hand. That day I turned ugly very ugly. My heart turned ugly my soul turned ugly. I had done the same to Sandeep which I was always victim of.

I just wanted one thing I just wanted to say sorry to him. I was totally drowned in my guilt.

Two years has passed since then. I have placed the statue of Goddess Saraswati on my study table. Every morning I would pray to her please let me help find him just once, I just want to say him sorry and set my soul free of that guilt.

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