Don’t Let Go

Autumn. When the leaves fall. The dawn before a new beginning. Life wasn’t supposed to change. I was supposed to stay the same. A new year, in a new place with so many faces of which I recognised none. Life was supposed to be simple. At least for me it used to be. School, home, study, sleep and the cycle repeats. But then I guess what everyone says is true. There is more to life than school and home. There’s a place outside this comfort zone- the rest of the world.

I met him in college. You couldn’t actually say ‘met’. I saw him for the first time in my college. He was in a different branch than me. I saw him when I passed his class one day. I didn’t know what it was. Some people call it love at first sight. Others call it an infatuation. I prefer the latter. I didn’t even know his name. I would see him every day in college, but never bothered to ask anyone his name. May be I was fighting myself for why I needed to know it.

Days passed and then months. Infatuations weren’t supposed to last. Was it? Then why did this one? I kept questioning myself. But the harder I tried, the more difficult it became for me to let go. Some people would call it silly. You are hung up over a guy and you don’t even know his name? Does he know you? Well that was the tough part. He didn’t even know I existed.

Every day I tried to push him out of my mind, why is it so hard? To forget someone you don’t even know? I keep telling myself to let go. But I can’t. Why is that? I have criticized all my friends during their heart breaks. I waved it off as something so silly but now how am I so broken even though nothing happened.

When I told her, Aditi laughed.

“Oh my god! The critic has fallen at last!” She said through her laughter.

“It’s not funny. Not even close.” I fired back, really annoyed.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that, you were the last person on earth that I expected something like this to happen to.” She said “Anyways, let’s find out the lucky guy okay?”

“No. I don’t want to” I said firmly. “I said this to you to make me feel better, not because I wanted your help”

But the one thing about Aditi is her curiosity. Within an hour she found out about him, something I couldn’t for the past one year. Then I guess, I never tried.

His name was Varun. Same year as I was. He’s class topper and extremely talented singer. Not that it was important. Because well, he doesn’t know me.

Second year passed in a flash. And then third year began. Aditi can be very persuasive, which can be very annoying. All through the year, she suggested different plans to somehow meet him, because, according to her, before you know it final year may pass and I will very much regret it. Though she didn’t get a chance to meet him, she became BFFs with his best friend, who just happened to be a very old classmate of hers.

But that’s when fate intervenes. Whenever we get to talk to his friend he is never around.

Sometimes when I look at him, I see a sadness in his face, like he’s hiding something. Some pain that he doesn’t want to show. He smiles through it, but when he’s standing somewhere alone, he drops that mask. But then, it’s not just him. Every one of us has that side, don’t we? That dark side we refuse to show, the one that we push down every time and still tries to resurface. Each one of has that dark secret. It’s what makes us who we are.

“His parents got divorced” Aditi said “Ashish told me. They had been fighting for a while and finally it was over. He was always at his house, because he didn’t like to stay at his”

Why did I feel sad about it? Knowing he was in pain. Why did it make me feel sad? I always wondered what was going inside his head. Whether he was happy. Whether he was hurt. If he had anyone to talk to. It gets so frustrating, seeing him so close and not being able to know him.

I pushed it all away. I can’t let it bother me anymore. Why should I? I have to let go.

I remember that day. I was late for the lab. I remember running through the corridors. Classes were going on and no one was outside. I remember seeing him sitting there. Was he crying? No he wasn’t. He looked mad. Really pissed off. He saw me coming, glanced over and ignored. To him I was just someone passing by. I was just one of the thousands of students studying there. Why would he care who I was? Why should he?

I decided to walk past him. He was not part of my life. Neither was I in his. So I shouldn’t care.

You will regret this.

Best friends can be annoying, when you realise the truth in some things they say. I stopped. I turned.

“Are you okay?” I asked, very well knowing that that was the most stupidest thing I could’ve asked.

He turned to me and I knew he was surprised. There I was, someone he didn’t even know, someone just passing by, asking about his life. I looked at him and realised. I didn’t know this person. I didn’t know his life. What he liked and what he didn’t. But still there I was.

“Yeah” he replied and smiled.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?” I asked, just for the sake of asking.

He smiled again. “It’s college”, he pointed out. “Who doesn’t bunk?”

“Yeah”, I agreed, “But it’s usually for hanging out with friends or catching a movie, not brooding”

He was taken aback. “Who said I was brooding?”

“Well, you look like you are” I replied. Because of your parents maybe, or is there something else. Something you haven’t told your friends?

He laughed lightly and looked away. Maybe this was my signal to leave. But why couldn’t I? I was not even his friend? Why would he talk to me? Especially about his life?

“You wouldn’t understand” he said finally.

“Try me” I challenged. I was stupid.

“Well,” he said, “Have you ever felt like giving up?”

On you? Many times. I just wish I could. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“When life gets tough. Have you ever felt like giving up? To stop trying to get up?” he was still looking away from me.

What was I supposed to say to that? I knew something was wrong. I wanted to sit next to him. Ask him what the problem was, try to find a solution, make him feel better. But I couldn’t do that now, could I. I was a no one.

“I think everybody has that time at least once in your life” I said, though till today I have no idea from were those words came from. “You don’t lose if you fall down. You lose when you can’t get back up again. Right?”

He looked at me. I knew he thought I was stupid. Even I thought so. But whatever he thought, he didn’t say that out loud. “Right” he replied and smiled again. “You are late. You should be getting back to class” he pointed out.

“Yup” I said, and turned and walked away. What was it that hurt him? Why did he feel like giving up? I felt so helpless. Like watching someone getting burned and not being able to help. Just watching and getting myself burned from the inside.

The year passed. I never talked to him after that day. I never saw him much. But I felt better inside. He might not know my name. But at least he knew I existed, that is, if he remembered my face. But that doesn’t matter. Somehow, it didn’t matter. By talking to him for a few moments, it’s like I got a glimpse of who he was.

Another autumn came by, leaves fell. Aditi ran up to me in class and sat next to me out of breath. She didn’t say anything for some time. Just sat there. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

“Something wrong?” I asked as I smiled at my annoying friend.

I still remember the way she looked at me when she said it. “He died.”

I never knew how two words could inflict so much pain in someone. She didn’t need to say who? She knew I understood. “He killed himself. They found him today morning”

We both sat there. She didn’t say anything to me that day. I understood her dilemma. What was she supposed to do? Console me? Why? Who was he to me?

I don’t remember the rest of the day. That day to me, ended with that conversation. I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel. I fought with myself, reasoned with myself. But for what? So that it will make me feel better?

Now, how can I ever let go.

 

“Priya?” Aditi called, waving her hand in front of my eyes. ” Are you day dreaming?”

“Huh?” I looked at her.

“Girl! You gotta stop doing that, sometimes you freak me out!” Aditi replied with a sigh.

I smiled.

Bangalore. Where life starts for most software engineers. For someone from the south, you feel a little left out at first, but then that’s how you learn to live right? By finding your place in the world. By trying to fit in.

“Sorry” I said as I went back to work. She smiled back.

 

It’s autumn again. And three years have passed. I’m in a new city. With new people, but luckily Aditi tagged along too. When in school you think this is the world, in college you feel that that is the world. But it’s when you actually see it that it makes you feel so small. In a big city with so many people. You’ll still feel alone.

Aditi was late and I was sipping my coffee, waiting for her. I saw someone walk over to me, from the corner of my eye.

“Priya?” I looked up at the owner of the voice. It took some time, but I recognized him.

“Ashish!” I said surprised. “You are in Bangalore?”

“No” he said as he sat on the seat opposite to me. “Here for a training. I’m going back tomorrow.”

We took some time to catch up. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy meeting him. But it brought back something that I’ve been trying to bury inside.

“You liked him, didn’t you?” he asked, I looked up at him shaken. “Aditi told me. After he… After it happened.”

He looked down after he said the last part. It must’ve been hard on him. He was his best friend. I couldn’t even imagine the pain he could’ve gone through. What if something happened to Aditi? I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself ever even if there was nothing I could have done.

“Do you know why?” I asked hesitantly. It has been three years but still, he looked wounded.

“Family stuff. Pressure. You can never know what goes through peoples mind some days.” He said as he looked towards the street. “Hey, didn’t you talk to him once?”

“Yeah, but how did you know?”

“I was there” he said with a smile. “When you were walking away. I came looking for him. What did you say to him?”

“Well, nothing, I just asked him why he wasn’t going to class” there wasn’t any need to let him know the rest. “Why?”

“Well” he said with a sigh, “He was different for a few days. Though… it didn’t last. I wish he knew about you”

Yeah. Well, I wished the same. For three years.  

“Well” he said as he checked his watch. “I should get going. It was nice seeing you. Tell Aditi okay?”

“Sure” I said.

He got up to leave but then turned around. ”Oh, by the way, he knew your name. He asked me that day.” He said, smiled and walked away.

I wish he knew about you.

What if he did? Would he be still alive. Knowing that there was someone who loved him? Would he have had the will to live? What would have happened if she had told him? If she had the guts to go talk to him. To be his friend. Would that have changed anything?

About eight hundred thousand people suicide every year, worldwide, of this about one hundred and thirty five thousands are Indians. An average of fifteen suicides an hour, about three hundred and seventy a day, of which about hundred are due to family issues and pressure. But why? We never know what they are going through do we?

From my life and what I went through, I realised one thing. No one’s ever alone. No one’s ever unloved. There is always at least one person who loves you, from somewhere far. Someone you haven’t even met yet. Someone who knows nothing about you. Someone who doesn’t care who you are or where you came from. Whenever you feel like letting go, giving up, know that there is someone who is dying to meet you. You might think you are doing others a favour by leaving, or maybe you think you can’t keep going anymore. But, you are wrong. I never knew him, but I wanted to know him. I wanted to know what his likes were. His favourite movie, favourite song. How he was when he was small. What was that pain he was trying to hide, the pain that finally took control of him. All we talked for were few minutes, or even less. But the pain he left me was for a life time. I might be able to move on. But I’ll never be able to let go of that past. He was the reason for my smile every day. And he never even knew it. What if he had?

Anytime you feel like giving up. Know that you are the reason for somebody’s smile today. So don’t let go.

 

“Varun!” Ashish called out to his friend “Here you are. Aren’t you coming to class?” That’s when he noticed a retreating figure and his friend staring after it.

“Do you know who that is?” he asked, looking up to his friend.

“Yeah” he replied. “I think that’s Priya, she’s in my friend’s class. Why?” he asked.

Varun got up from where he was sitting and walked towards his friend. “She’s an optimist”

“Is that a bad thing” he asked confused.

“No” and he laughed. “It’s just that…” he said as he turned again towards the corridor, but she was already gone. He turned back again and started walking towards class. “I think I could use some”.

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