Unsaid Love

1. First Impression

That was first week of July in 2006. At 6 am, my alarm clock started ringing. I switched it off with still closed eyes. I went to the balcony to feel the breeze on my cheeks…..cool and fresh. I usually like to breath in the cool and fresh air in the morning from my balcony. After a few minutes in freshness, I went to have a bath and get ready for the school. I left for school at 7:30 am.

I reached school by 7:45 am and entered my classroom, still some students had to come. But usually I am on time. I went straight up to my bench.

“Hi, what’s up?”

That’s my friend Nancy. We have been friends for three years now.

“Hi! All good. We didn’t have any homework for Monika ma’am. Right?” I asked.

Nancy was about to reply when she was interrupted by the entry of Ms. Monika

“Good morning ma’am”, everyone said together.

“Good morning, today we have a special assembly to felicitate the toppers of board exam. Make a queue and move towards Shri Ram hall.”

We made the queue happily not because we liked the special assemblies but because the special assemblies meant no studies for about an hour or two.

We were all supposed to sit in the hall. As we all settled ourselves, our in-charge ma’am took the parole and the felicitation began. In the mid of the assembly, back door was opened by someone, since entry from main door is not allowed once the program is live.

I turned back and saw three tall boys entering the hall, though I could not see them clearly.

“Late comers”, I said to myself. Principal asked them to come in the front. They went by my side. She said something to them which we could not hear as she had switched off the microphone. They came back. I could now see their face clearly and I said to myself regarding one of them, “Such a good personality but no sense of wearing the uniform.”

His shirt was untucked and he had no tie. Had it not been a school uniform, he would have looked great in white shirt, white trouser and black shoes. But since it was a uniform, he ought to wear it like a uniform.

The assembly got over in the usual expected time of 1.5 hours.

We came back to our respective classes.

“I have a good news. Next period is free since the teacher is on leave. So we can do our mathematics’ homework”, said Priya.

Priya is my friend, one of the few friends that I have in the school. I find it hard to make friends. I don’t know exactly why it is so. Is it due to the fact that I speak less or because of the reason that I find it hard to trust someone easily. I don’t really know.

As of now, I have three friends Nancy, Priya and Shweta. I met them all in std. VI when I came to this school in Delhi in 2003. Since then we have been together and somehow with time, I have found great friendship with them. I can be myself when I am with them.

Though I share a different bond of understanding with Nancy, all the three mean a lot to me when it comes to friendship.

Well I was telling you about the class. Things went by very ordinarily in school till it was time for annual function in our school. In our school, Lovely Public Senior Secondary School, we had this very unique concept of having class wise annual function. I don’t know about primary class, since I did not had my primary education in this school. Annual function would every year be in a fixed pattern, VI-VII together, IX and XI together; and X and XII together.

As I was in IX, our class was supposed to have the function with class XI, including all the sections of both the classes.

2. Annual Function 2006

In the month of august, to be precise, last week of august, teachers made the announcement for annual function. This year, we had to enact Ramayana with class XI. Each section of both the classes got certain scenes. We got our scripts and the preparations began.

In our school, we had different buildings, we were asked to practice in the middle wing. Each section occupied a classroom and the teachers started with their task of assigning roles and dialogues.

While reading out my script, I saw him. The guy who was in white shirt and white trouser without tie the day our special assembly was conducted. I recognized him. He had a very different persona, in spite of the fact that I want students to wear the uniform decently, I liked him. A tall guy, probably 5’11” or an inch or two less. A mesmerizing smile and the captivating eyes made him stand out among his friend circle. I had my eyes glued on him, without his attention on me. And then my name was called out by Ms. Monika. I resumed reading my script verbally and thinking of that guy mentally. In short, I was not present in the class……lost was I… in his thoughts.

You call it destiny or coincidence, but after seeing him again, he crossed my path again and again…… sometimes on stage, sometimes in corridors, in playground, in hall…… almost everywhere in school, leaving my own class. I was now so habitual of seeing him that sometimes, I would just stand in corridor and watch him playing in the playground. He used to play cricket early morning, before the first period or the zero period as it was called in our school.

One day I was standing in corridor during recess, my classmate Bhawna was also standing with me. And of course, I had my eyes on him in the ground.

Bhawna said to me, “you know that guy is my brother and the one standing with him, is my brother’s friend.”

“Which one? I asked.

“The guy without tie is my brother’s friend.”

“Oh, that guy. What’s his name? Is he in your brother’s class? I inquired.

“No. He is in humanities, my brother is in commerce. He is Rishi.”

It took me so long just to know his name and I could feel something about his name. Probably I fell in love with his name. I repeated his name many times mentally, Rishi….. Rishi…. Rishi….. Rishi…, not to remember it. I repeated it for it sounded so beautiful and peaceful to my ears. I was happy, actually more than just happy, to know his name as if I had found some treasure.

But the very human nature doesn’t allow you to settle for what you have. I wanted to know more of him. I wanted to befriend him, to talk to him, spend time with him……

As I was merely 16, I had this very stupid idea of initiating the friendship by asking him to fill my slam book, which is a very teenage stuff. I decided to ask him to fill it on the annual function day, after we finish the play.

Finally the day came, sometime in the first week of October. My role required me to be on the stage every other scene that had any king or queen.

I was standing near the stage, waiting for my turn to come, and Rishi was standing opposite to me, one the other side of the stage, waiting for his turn. This time when I stepped on the stage, I got down on the same side as his. My heart beat suddenly went like the mercury in a thermometer on a hot sunny day. I have this strange feeling whenever he is around. But I like to around him. His scene came and he went on the stage. He came back from the stage. For the next scene, he had to remove some accessories from his costume. He handed them to me, since I was the only one standing there. It made me full of joy to think that he handed his accessories to me. After he came back from his second scene, I had to return his stuff back. But I don’t know why I was so nervous, I could not muster courage to ask him to take those things back. When his part was entirely over and he was about to leave the stage area, I could only say, “your accessories?”

He asked me put it there and he’ll take it later.

The play was over and all the participants went to change the costumes. My dad and my sisters had come to see the play and I was supposed to leave with them.

I changed my costume and took the slam book in my hand and looked for him. Before I could see him, I saw my dad and he asked me to come with him. I passed by Rishi. I had to gather all my strength to walk up to him. I said to my dad that I have some work and I’ll join him in 5 minutes. I walked towards the entry of the playground where he was standing, my heart went crazy, and I could hear it loud.

“Hi, I want you to fill my slam book?”

“Me?”

“Of course you, when I am talking to you, then whom else would I ask?” I thought.

“Yeah, you,” I said to him.

“Later, right now I am a bit busy,” said he.

“Ok”, said I disappointedly.

I came back to my dad and my sisters and we went home. I was really upset as I had to muster courage to say even a single word to him and he said no so bluntly. Somewhere I was also angry. I don’t know with myself or with him.

Later, in school I tried many a times to go up to him, but in vain. I did not had enough courage to approach him again.

I would take my slam book in my hand and go towards his classroom XI G, but would never enter his classroom nor would I ever say anything to him. Somewhere, I wanted him to approach me but I also knew that he will not do so as I was nothing more than a stranger to him.

My usual time to leave for school was 7:30 am but just see him playing I started leaving at 7 am, so as to reach by 7:15 am. One morning I came to school by 7:20 am and not to my surprise Nancy was also there. She used to come by school bus which would sometime drop her by 7:20 am and sometime by 7:55 am. Well, I kept my bag on my seat and came out in the corridor. She came with me and noticed me, literally staring at Rishi. Before she could ask anything, I said, “I have started liking him and want to befriend him.”

She is a darling. She wants to help her friends to the best of her capacity. She suggested me to go to him and tell about my feelings.

“How to say it?” I asked.

She replied, “Go to him and say look I am being straight and honest, I have started liking you and I want be your friend. If it’s fine with you then tell me.”

“Hahahahahah”, I laughed out. That was typical Nancy style, which I could not do.

3. Greeting Card

It was last week of December, and I had still not managed to tell him anything. I could not tell him how I felt about him, how has he become the most spectacular for me, how I have started liking white color more than any other color, how coming to school so early makes me feel happy, how my lips have learnt to smile just by his one look, how soothing is his presence to my eyes…… I could not tell him that now he is more than a school mate to me, that I feel a strange connection with him. Whenever he is around, my heart would beat faster, whether I see him or not, I could feel him rather my heart could feel him.

Once I was sitting in my classroom, attending physics class, suddenly I could feel my heart beat. It went from normal to fast and faster and I could not understand the reason. Then I looked around and saw Rishi with one of his friend outside the window, passing by in the corridor.

I had the same feeling when I was going down by the stairs and he was coming up. When he crossed me, for a second my heart skipped a beat, and again it was the same feeling. Then I realized that whenever Rishi is around me, I have this sensation. I just could not understand this feeling. How can you feel so connected to someone whom you don’t even know….how can someone mean so much to you that you could feel his presence.

Finally I decided to start the friendship first and then to confess my feelings. And the plan was to give him a card asking him to be my friend on the last working day before winter vacation. I bought a card, dark blue, my second favorite color after white and wrote “will you be my friend?” in Hindi. And I decided to come really early around 7:10 am and place the card on his desk with his name. I signed the card saying “your secret admirer”.

I reached school at the time I had decided. He was not in ground. I went towards his classroom and to my shock, he was standing outside his classroom. That was first time that I was not happy to see him. I turned around and went to my classroom.

“What the hell is he doing in school so early?” I asked myself. Then entered Nancy and she noticed the sadness on my face. I told her about my plan and how it was ruined by Rishi himself. She suggested to ask someone to give the card to him. I agreed to it. She asked her friend Imraan to do the task during recess. I handed him the card.

During recess, he went up to Rishi and gave him the card and came back. I saw Rishi opening the card and then going towards Imraan. He asked Imraan about the sender (me). But Imraan did not tell my name. And then I was wondering whether or not should I have added my name in the card.

The school now had winter vacation till 2^nd January 2007 which was further extended up till 10^th January. This meant not being able to even see him.

The school reopened and he was still clueless about the identity of the secret admirer. I was now cursing myself for not adding my name in the card. Had I written my name on it, it would have been easier for him to approach me, if he wanted to. But my stupidity ruined it……

 

4. School without Rishi

 

The session 2006-2007 was about to end. It was sometime in last week of March 2007, I had come to return a book to Mrs. Monika, which I had borrowed from her during the session. Yes, now Miss. Monika was Mrs. Monika and she had planned to shift to another school. So I had to return her book back. And it was strange co-incidence, that day was also last day of final exam of std. XI. Rishi was also in school that day. I decided to finally walk up to him and tell him that I am his secret admirer. I had planned to tell him all after he leaves the examination hall. He went out of the school and I followed him. He was standing in front of me, some five or six steps away. I geared up and moved my first step, before I could go further his friends came and he was surrounded by them. I didn’t want to say anything in front of his friend for I know how friends start teasing you once they know that there is any girl in your life. I moved back.

The school reopened in April. But now the school appeared different to me. He was not to be seen anywhere in school. That was the last day I had seen him. I could not understand the reason behind it. He was not in school in April, nor in May, nor in July. I wanted to see him but more than that I wanted to know why he wasn’t there. What made him leave the school, in case he had left it? Or it was me? Maybe his parents saw my card and decided to shift him to another school. Or maybe it was his own decision to leave. But these were only random assumptions that came to my mind the whole year with no correct answer.

Now the playground appeared empty to me though there were many students playing in it. Many but not Rishi. I started again to come to school at my usual time. I missed him badly during annual function and the last day before winter vacation brought the memories from last year back. Now the only reason I was coming to school was my board exam. And soon it was March 2008. Time to appear for board exam.  And it was last day of exam when I saw a beam of hope to meet Rishi.

5. Shattered

 

I saw Amanpreet outside our examination center with a girl from our class but different section. Amanpreet was one of Rishi’s friend. I thought it would be easier to approach a girl than his friend directly. And with her help I could contact Rishi.

New session 2008-2009 began without our board results. The school management decided to choose our streams based on our performance in pre-board exam. My name was announced for commerce without mathematics as I had not performed well in mathematics in pre-board exam. Anyways I never even wanted to continue practicing it. I always wanted to study social issues, political issues, and literature. So I gave an application to change my stream from commerce to humanities. Teachers just could not understand why I wanted to take humanities with fairly better result. But my decision was rigid and they had to change my stream.

I went to my new classroom XI G, humanities stream. This was the same classroom where Rishi too had spent time, studied. I saw his name written on the blackboard, actually not written but engraved. This room was special to me. Among my other classmates, I noticed her, Amanpreet’s friend. When she was standing alone, I approached her with a smile.

“Hi, I am Preeti. What’s your name?”

“Hello, I am Amanpreet.”

“Amanpreet?? That’s also your friend’s name. Right?”

“Yeah, he is my boyfriend.”

“Okay, do you know Rishi?”

“Yes, he’s Aman’s friend, I met him last week with Aman.”

“Aman??? Amanpreet’s short form?”

“Yeah. How do you know Rishi?”

“I don’t know him, I want to know him. Actually I like him and want to befriend him. It would be really nice on your part if you could help me.”

“Yeah, sure. Take his number.”

I took his number. But now the problem was how to contact him. I mean I had no personal cellphone. Should I call him with my dad’s cellphone? Or not? What if dad comes to know about all this?

And then I cleared my mind off and took my dad’s cell. I went to the balcony and dialed his number. The number was functional, I could hear the bell ringing. And then somebody received the call.

“Hello, am I speaking to Rishi?”

“Yes, I am Rishi. May I know whom I am talking to?

“This is Preeti, from Lovely Public School, NLP branch.”

“Okay, but I can’t remember you. Do we know each other?”

“Ahh, actually no. I got your number from school register.”

“Which school? LPS?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. But I never studied in that school. Few of my tuition friends are from that school.”

“Ohhhh, you are Rishi. Right?”

“Right but not the one you are looking for.”

“Sorry to disturb you. Actually I got your number from my friend. I think she got confused due to same name.”

“No problem.”

And I disconnected the call. I felt like an idiot. I called someone with same name and was about to tell about my feelings. Thank god that he was a decent fellow. What if he pretended to be my Rishi and had asked me to meet somewhere?

I did not go to school after that call as it was vacation for humanities stream students. And I went out of town for my brother’s wedding. I did not had Amanpreet’s number, so I could not inform her about this confusion and all that had happened. When I came back from the wedding, I went to school just to tell Amanpreet about the wrong number. She was now in commerce section. She had shifted. I met her during recess. Before I could say anything, she said that she was sorry about giving me wrong number. She might have realized it later but could not inform me as she did not had my contact number. She asked me for my number and said that she would give my number to Rishi. I thought it to be a better idea and gave my number, I mean my dad’s number.

Few days later, while I was working in kitchen, my dad’s cell starting ringing, unknown number. My sister received the call as she was playing some video game in it. Then she called me and said there’s a call for you. I went and took the phone.

“Hello, this is Preeti.”

“Yeah, hello, this is Rishi, Aman’s friend. Amanpreet gave me your number and said you wanted to talk to me.”

My heart started beating faster. I just couldn’t believe that Rishi has called me up. I had so much to say which I couldn’t wrap in few words to say it over the call. I asked if we could meet somewhere. But before that he asked me who I was.

“I am the same girl who had sent you the card when you were in school. The card was signed with secret admirer.”

“Okay, so you are the same girl. Cool, then see you tomorrow at V3S mall.”

I jumped happily, finally I was going to meet him. Within a few seconds, he called back to say that his exams are going on so he can’t meet me tomorrow, that was his last paper. I said that it was fine with me and we could meet once he’s free.

He didn’t call me back. I called him few days later.

“Hello, Preeti this side. How was your exam?”

“Hi, exam was fine. How are you? And how come you remembered me today?”

“I am good. What about you? You said you’ll call after your exams are over. Since you forgot to call, I called you up.”

“I am good. Sorry I could not call you. Actually, dad wants me to join his business so I have to look into his business. I can’t say no to my dad.”

“Yeah, I can understand that. Okay, tell me one thing, why did you leave the school?”

“I didn’t leave the school. Instead they kicked me out. You know how my friends are. They blamed me for the bursting of firecrackers during Diwali in school premises. And consequently, management decided to let me complete my XI and then leave the school.”

“Okay, and what are your future plans?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll join my dad’s business. What about you?”

“I have opted for humanities. Rest I’ll see after XII.”

“Okay. You sent that card but why didn’t you write your name on it? An idiot would only not write her name.”

“So you are saying that I am an idiot. If it is so, then why are you talking to an idiot?”

“I am not talking to you. It’s you, who called me up.”

“Okay, fine, I called you but if you don’t want to talk to me then disconnect the call.”

“Why should I disconnect? You called me, so you disconnect.”

“Okay, fine then I’ll disconnect the call.”

And I disconnected the call in anger or ego or whatever you call it. As soon as I disconnected the call I was regretting having done that. But this time I wanted him to call back and I waited for it. Some five days later, Amanpreet called me and asked me whether or not I had wished Rishi on his b’day. And obviously I had not for the simple reason that I did not know that it was his b’day that day.

Keeping my ego aside, I called him and wished him a very happy b’day. And this time, he talked to me very nicely. I was amazed to know that I could talk to someone for such a long time and that too without being silent. Generally, I can’t talk on phone, I fail to figure out what to talk about. But with Rishi, I was not the same, not even once I had to think about what to say and what not. The conversation kept flowing like a river from the hill, smoothly without any hesitation.

And then he told me something about himself. Probably he understood my feelings for him. Probably he didn’t want my feelings to develop anymore. He told me that he has a girlfriend.

Well that was my mistake. I should have thought about it before. I was all so immersed into myself that this thought didn’t even cross my mind. Of course I was hurt but I told him that it’s good to know that. And so what if he has a girlfriend, can’t we still be friends? Though he didn’t reply negatively but I could sense something wrong. I wrapped up the conversation and said good night.

I was really hurt to hear about his relationship, I had tears in my eyes. But then I consoled myself saying that at least I had his friendship and I should be happy with it.

But this happiness did not last long. He stopped receiving my call after the call on his b’day. After many attempts gone in vain, one night, he received my call.

“Hello, how are you? I was worried as you didn’t receive my calls.”

“I am good. It’s just that I was a bit busy.”

Though he said he was good, I could sense that he was not from his voice. So I asked him if everything was fine.

“Look Preeti, actually my girlfriend was trying to call me on my b’day and my cellphone was constantly busy for about half an hour as I was talking to you. And she is upset with me now.”

“Okay, so that’s the problem. You should tell her that we are just friends and nothing more than that.”

“I said that but she says that nobody talks to a friend for so long. I think we should not talk anymore. It would be better if you stop calling me.”

“Okay………………… I understand your problem and I’ll…………. not call you anymore.”

“And yes, please don’t even message me.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Bye.”

“Bye, take care.” I said with heavy heart and teary eyes.

I just could not believe that I did not even had any right to message him, to ask about his health, to be in touch. It seemed as if I had lost everything. I had tears in my eyes. Something broke that night within me. A part of me was dead. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks and I kept wiping it. The more I wiped the more tears came out, so I stopped wiping. But I could not stop my tears. I kept weeping and asking myself what wrong did I do. And I slept weeping.

I did not like to mingle with people anymore. I wanted to stay alone. I kept lights of my room switched off. I would keep looking at his number saved in the phone. I would do my work but lost somewhere. I don’t know why but I stopped putting kohl into my eyes which was earlier a must for me.

Once I was coming back from school and then suddenly I realized that a biker had applied brakes and the bike stopped merely an inch away from me. I said sorry to the biker and moved on. It was then that I realized how lost was I. Next morning, while reading newspaper I came across an article on depression. And only to shock myself, I found out that I had symptoms of depression. I wanted to come out of it. I had not told anybody about all that happened with me and what I was going through.

I did my best to come out of it. Now things were different. I was not lost anymore but certainly something within me was not alive. I was no more interested in love and relationship. Earlier making friends and trusting them took time but now loving would take time or probably I would not be able to love someone the way I loved him.

I did not meet Rishi ever but I still pray for his good health and for a happy life with his love.
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