A MORNING IN ELI’S LIFE.
morning on the field:
It was late. She sat, staring aimlessly at the sky. Grey clouds huddled together in the air, creating patterns not easily visible from her seat. She stared, at nothing. At everything. At something? Her mind was blank, her thoughts unclear. It was all she knew. Her entire life had been an array of confused thought patterns and heart breaking emotions. She told herself every day, she wouldn’t let IT get to her. Her illness would not consume her as everyone expected it to.
She rose to her feet and strolled carelessly across the greenery, the dew from the late night clung to the grass, ‘or is it early morning?’ she thought to herself. Nevertheless the sun began to rise, barely visible behind the eerie clouds. She loved to sit in the park, she had time to think, ponder, cry. Nothing new, she was not lonely. She didn’t yearn for company, nor did she seek attention she just wanted to be normal, to feel normal ,to think normal. Her illness had made life for her, exhausting. Or should she say Illnesses plural. She found it awfully amusing to think that she spent more time in the hospitals psyche ward than at the mall. I suppose she liked the ward better than she did the mall.
Her stroll turned into a jog, she had to get home before sunrise or she would never hear the end of it. She knew it was dangerous, a petite young girl out alone at night, or is it morning? She reached the backdoor just one second to late, her sister ripped the hardwood door violently open and cackled in her face. ” Out again I see, you are going to get slaughtered by mom!”
She was all too happy, cruelly enjoying her sisters misery as usual. ” How bout, you buy me smokes and I don’t tell mom about this little adventure you where on.” She exclaimed with a wicked grin on her face, her sister grumbled and submissively walked past her little sis.
She had no need to answer, Mariela knew that she would do as she was told, her fear of their mothers wrath was all too potent. She would have to feed her little sisters addiction. “Nighty night Eli,” her sister sang to her while strolling into her ” den”. She was tired, but she was awake. Sleep was not her friend. Yet nightmares where her soulmates or so it would seem. She waddled over to her notebook, Lisle always said her ” waddle” was ‘the cutest thing he had ever seen’. She picked up her black encased notebook and ember colored pen, she began to write, noting her feelings and thoughts of the day. The doctor had told her she needed to write down all her thoughts and feelings to keep track of her progress.
She began to write :
June/ 7 /2003
mood; 4.3 /10
self harm desire;2/10
I feel bad again, anxiety peeks again. Couldn’t sleep again, nightmares again. I miss Lisle he always helps me to feel better. I wish I was normal. I’m not. A long day ahead. School starts at 07;30 I HAVENT SLEPT SINCE 11:00 pm TWO NIGHTS PRIOR WHEN I WOKE FROM THAT HORRID NIGHTMARE.
I have no more courage left to fight.
BACK TO REALITY:
She set her notebook aside as she dressed for school. Her ugly lime green uniform hugged her small frame tightly. Her black toughies and raven colored cardigan was all she liked of the ensemble. She tugged her long Auburn hair into a lame ponytail. Tied high on the back of her head her hair reached mid hip. She loved her hair. All natural, the color of ripe strawberries, it was not yet a red, almost a brownish-pink color. It was beautiful. It matched her icy grey-blue eyes and freckles perfectly.
She was pretty, but odd. She looked like a porcelain doll with her frail petite frame and striking colors. She was staring vacantly at her reflection in her old dirty mirror. She hated her reflection. She hated how she looked. Too short, too thin, too fat, too ugly, too strange looking. Nobody ever called her beautiful but Lisle. But he had to say it he was her boyfriend of three years. The love of her life and the only thing that kept her afloat.
She skipped breakfast again, today was a fat day she thought to herself. Mariela was dressed and ready for school when she emerged, it was 7;00 am. The sun started to make its slow decent into the sky. Without saying a word to each other they trudged to her dirt covered, mustard colored, Ford- Up. Her first and only car. They climbed into the car wordlessly and rode in silence as usual, her thoughts flooding her mind. She dropped Mariela at school and walked in, after parking her car. She said nothing as Mariela giggled and ran too her friends, she was miss popularity after all. Eli wasn’t.
‘Shit’ Eli thought to herself,’ I forgot to take my meds. She raced to her locker where she as always kept spares for incase. She needed to take her anti psychotics and anti depressants every day, doctors orders. The array of colorful boxes adorned the wall of her locker, Solian, Fluoxetine, AMISULPRIDE, Prolax, Nuzac… and more.
She threw her variety of prescribed pills carelessly into her hand and chugged them, no water. She was used to them by now. “Junky!” A voice screamed from down the hall as a scrunched paper reached her forehead. The idiots who teased her where really a pain. ”I hate school.” She muttered to herself in a meek, high voice as she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her waist, she knew it was him, by his intoxicating smell.
He was so yummy. Lisle, he kissed her sweetly on the lips and picked her up from the ground, she felt weightless, witless, happy, free. “Hi angel, how you feeling today, you take you medies baby?”
He took such good care of her, supported her in her illness and even babied her, that’s why she called him by his nickname, well that amongst other kinkier reasons. “Yes, Daddy. I’m really good how are you?”
He laughed a beautiful laugh, a sound that kissed her ears as it reached them, “I AM WELL! C’UMON baby-girl you know this stuff”. He scolded her lovingly. Grammar was their thing. Both highly intelligent individuals, him more so than her. He was by far the most intelligent person she had ever met, and he knew that. His ego grew daily, it was cute.
The day progressed slowly from then, she lived, felt, cried, loved but overall fought. To get though the day was an endless battle for her, and nobody knew, or cared, nobody but Lisle. This was, and probably always would be a day in Eli’s life…