Days passed by similarly; little glimpses of him of no real importance, classes which I never took seriously, my dad’s little conversations always about my marks, my mom’s depressing encouragement to crack my exam. I was being swept away by the flow. All I had to do was nothing and that day would be over. A new day started. My only oasis during those days were my virtual friends whom I’d talk to for no less than an hour. They made my day. It was during those days that I was obsessively conscious about my over weight and bad skin. There were girls too, who pointed it out straight at me. Especially a schoolmate of mine who always had to say “You’re ugly. No offense.”
Their impacts were too huge on me back then and I remember crying over it every night silently. There was no one to encourage me, not even sweet lies or thoughtful remarks. So every time I had to talk to someone new I’d think ‘She must find me repulsive.’ Their behaviors were suggestive too. One girl among my new friends however, starting crashing down these poisonous thoughts of mine with her child-like optimism.I love her still for those traits.
It was around this time when he started being more important to me. I wonder how it was but it became a habit to look at him, look for him. With the little amount of self confidence I acquired I started turning back to look for him. No one knew this, just me. There were always these little quarrels with my friends for my corner seat. I’d give it up in the beginning but once I realized it was herculean task to turn back from any other seats, I absolutely stick to my corner. The more I insisted on remaining there, the more my friends pulled my leg. It gradually became a daily routine for us to steal that corner of mine. It was troublesome but I had fun.
Days grew to months and now I had to see him at least thrice a day. I picked up many rumors about him from gossiping girls; He had a crush on one of the first benches, he ‘checked’ out all the girls a bit too much, he was an uber-nerd and the list went on. The thing about him having a crush on that girl was one of the old rumors, I never payed much attention to any so they made very less difference.
I wonder where he started noticing but he started looking at me. Just a tiny glance, but it wasn’t a fantasy. I joked “maybe he fell head over heals for me.”
I imagined him noticing me the same way he did; just a mere imagination. I always imagined way too many things, like for example, making up a live story about aliens invading us while the zoology class was going on so that was nothing out of my character either. Another silly time pass. Then the eye contacts started..from one to at least twice a day. In the beginning I brushed it off as a hopeful coincidence but a part of me knew that was not it.
‘Maybe he’s making fun of me within himself,maybe he’s just grossed out, maybe he’s looking to make sure if I was actually looking at him.’ If it was someone else feeling the very same thing I’d find it utterly laughable but to me it was serious. I never would have imagined it was those little contacts which started everything. They had a drug like effect on me.
(to be continued)