Some Scores of Days in My Life

Holding a towel in my hand standing in front of a mirror I was just wiping some water droplets from my cheeks. I checked sky whether it was raining but there was roof above. I tought there was some leakage in the roof but no. Soon I figured out that it was from my eyes.

I’ve been reading novels and of late there is one section where the writer describes about their college days. Invariably each person writes how they were good at that and good at this and how their college had all types of students and ofcourse their hard times.

It is starting to bore me as it is getting predictable in every book. It would be more interesting if they chose people from different walks of life. Say for example if they chose any of my friends or me, we would have loads of different stories to say.

I was not a great student. I was neigther intelligent nor hardworking. The last time that I got first rank in class was never that was it. I’ve even failed many times. I was not good at sports or anything else. But yes, I have been on stage quite a few times and I should say that I had no stage fear whatsoever. I’ve participated in competitions and lost most of them. I haven’t bunked any class when I was in school. I’ve been punished quite a few times for not doing the homework and not bringing the notebooks. My Mom always hated to come to any Parent-Teacher’s meeting because she had to listen to complaints about me probably when I was in sixth and seventh standard.

Now after qualifying the entrance examination I was in a famous college for all wrong reasons. But still I had my own favourite lecturers and they liked me too and many I hated.

It was a hot summer day. Hundreds of eighteen and nineteen year-olds, are hurriedly pulling cardboard boxes from the trunk and making a bed with your brand-new extra-long sheets. Someone else is doing just the same thing on the other side of your whitewashed room. After a hasty good-bye to our parents, some older student comes by to shepherd you and ten others you have just met to a meeting in an auditorium the size of our high school. I hadn’t experienced all this. Don’t know whether it was good or bad.

Unlike reality, I always thought that my first day at college would be something special, that I would feel ‘different’ or ‘more grown-up.’ I realize now that the only difference is that you feel lost, confused, and alone. I was not one of those “good guys”. I had loads of friends, I have bunked classes, gone to a movie during class time, slept in class and have even made lecturers cry. Not that we are bad but still we’ve done things for the fun of it.

Probably after the welcome I was excited to get into the class and take them because it wasn’t obvious that I won’t get a seat to sit and I will have to beg a seat from the class-room next to us.

“Crap! I hate college and I hate college life.” I said to myself.

But I consoled myself that I have to burdened this for almost four years atleast if nothing bad happens. But after the classes of the day I thought it may be five. Though soon I changed my view.

First class, the prof came and introduced himself,”Dr. ……, faculty of chemistry”.

I liked the way he explained his way of teaching. I started liking the college. Soon the bell rang and as per the time table set next was fluid mechanics same type intro except he asked students for intro. I was waitin’ for my turn and I gave my intro,”…….., Civil Engineering, ….” Lots of heads, almost all visible heads turned around me after I said, because my school was the closest to it.

I was staying at home rather than choosing to stay as a boarder. Same feeling while driving from home to the institution as I had to school except I went straight instead of turning left in a parti place.

I was happy to stay in Burla. But I was not in a mood to continue with the same life. Home to college, college to home then sit with some papers called ‘assignments’. Hell was the system and so my life.

I was the localite over here and therefore “happy to help” others. I thought my friends shouldn’t feel helpless and not at all lonely at anytime. There is of course a tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. We make friends because shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can’t buy.

“Today is a gift, that’s why it is called the present.”

So I did followed too. This part was good enough but the other part was what I hated.

Papers,  pencils,  pens,  drafters,  scales and all…just these things around. ‘Sleeping art’ almost passed away…damn. And some still say college makes a man out of you. I am amazed some people finds meaning of life in these things too. I have too figured out what I want. May be because time teaches us everything.

Days passed fast and d sems even faster.

Came to second year now. But life dint have any change. Same college. Same damn benches. Same girls. None beautiful. Same damn life. Me, the last bencher yet and so no hope to increase my grades too, I was the same, staring at some girls from some corner of the place but couldn’t manage to talk to them. Actually it wasn’t some girls it was a little rather I would say just one. And I loved staring at her.

Actually when you are young you believe that the possibilities are endless. So we make every possible move to get what we want. And I was not spare by the mentality too. Actually all do get to work upon to get what they desire I was just waiting for a chance. I felt I have whole damn life and I can achieve anything , I thought I will get countless opportunities to utilize them to get what I desired.

I was wrong thinking all that I pointed myself wrong when I saw my ‘staring to’ girl with someone else…lots of  questions inside my skull like…why we can’t control our desires? Why do mind doesn’t listen? I got my answers… Because it doesn’t budge, its stubborn. And I m plagued by it. Its always the best if we learn from our own mistakes and I did.

When in love, when with your lovers we feel sometimes drops say, moments become fragrant, vagabond and carefree. Sometimes mind travel a path. Do we make sense the? Or just go insane sometimes?

When I was with my best friends discussing about there and my love life the moment become strange, seems like everyone’s trying to write their own love stories. Lots of questions in my mind. What will happen to all of us? And while talking someone special I think what will this moment lead to us? This is what the difference between love and friendship.

If your one wish will come true what will you ask for? Wealth, fame, love or friendship?

And I will go for love any day irrespective of what happened with me. I would have loved to choose friendship but it is a thing which was always with me.

When I look at myself a guy of tenth and now, I find m completely changed. I didn’t yet find the reason what killed the old me, was it she? Was it me? Or was it the age of me and the people around me? Taking one road leads to many other, let’s see where this road leads me to.

And now forgot thinking all that. Now no path, no blocks, nothing and m just free now but sometimes even freedom pinches. Feeling like everything erased. Although I like her and she knows it and I know the fact that she can never be with me then why we are together and being together too, we are not. What all things we do to achieve our desires?

Now being in college I miss my friends the most. We reached to that turn from where we can’t get down to anywhere or at no cost we could walk together anymore and may be somehow we knew the fact from the starting point. Still we were together. Now I don’t become too close to anyone not because I don’t trust anyone just I have fear of separations. Life changes everyone.

Still there’s a fact out of all… I m still looking for love.

Being single is fun, no worries, no misery, no pain…

but what if we have pain, worries & miseries…???

what if we are in a situation where we feel lyk having someone who gives dere shoulders for when u r crying..someone to luk at u & says “u luk beautiful 2day”…someone to hold ur hands in theirs & say “i am here with u always”..someone who hugs u tightly & says “miss u..take care”..and someone who brushes ur lips gently & says “I love u” and that someone is the one who loves u a lot…then y do ppl saybeing single is fun….??so..Even if u don’t love anyone, atleast let someone love u…u may nt need that someone but that someone needs u..so love and b loved..

think at least once about the one who truly loves YOU…!!!

Have you ever put everything in stake to get something or someone???

And if why sometimes we put everything in stake and get something then why do we think did we ask from this from life???

My love, I have tried with all my being
to grasp a form comparable to thine own,
but nothing seems worthy;
I know now why Shakespeare could not
compare his love to a summer’s day.
It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as thee…

 

Today was the day got just of 19 years. Ya it was my birthday. And sems going on and guess what? Toughest paper next. And am surely gonna sc**w up in it. Not even a chapter done and I am at her hostel gate at half past 5 at the evening to give her chocolate and called her. I was excited to meet hope she was too. She made a bit late. I had my eyes at the gate when shall it open. It’s seven times now, the gate did open, and no ‘her’ out of the gate.

Finally the eighth time she came out. Baby pink top, three-forth jeans…my god..I fell in love with her again then. Why the hell I fall in love her every moment when I see at her? But I know there’s no possibility of her to be my “sweet dreams”. I make the hell out my life thinking all that. Still can’t stop thinking all these so called non-sense by some and love by others. And still more I loved the way she looked at me, her eyes so bright and brown. I looked right into her eyes till my eyes were a bit wet but my eyes got wet in just a little time. I just took the card from her and said a bye. Always I hate saying a bye.

Lots of days gone. Lots of things happened with my life eating, breathing, going to college, sleeping and the routine goes like this when someone asks hoe my day was.

Still could manage to get her out of mind. Am glad to that. My friends always helped me do that.

Now I got many to whom I cud say a lot, my best friend and I have got a girl too, who is a lot close to me. Someone who sometimes care for me, sometimes tells me an idiot, sometimes likes me for what I am, sometimes scolds me for what I am doing…and rest time just talks with me. Shares almost everything, and so…made me care for her. But there is a word but in every relationship and everytime with mine I guess.

The but is not a long list ofcourse starting with I don’t love her, not exactly don’t love her but I don’t know whether I do or not. But I like her a lot. I care for her still I could not share my care. I don’t know either what I exactly feel about her but I love her company and that’s why we have day long stretched chats. I don’t know either why that girl inspires me this much. But I am sure about the fact that this is not love. I always wish she gets a good guy. And I want her define this word, “good”. In short, I got a very close friend whom I can explain as life.

Err…eh…its just friendship. And I m sure about it.

Now I forgot that I haven’t introduced myself…

To start with I am small town guy. I live in a town where the most famous Indian snacks samosas and bada-pao are made under a huge banyan tree like we see in R.K. Narayanan’s Malgudi Days. Where we find students more than any other group of people. You will find a guy in me, who likes going to have tea at midnight walking 5 km more than going to a restaurant, who likes sitting in road divider in a chilled winter night rather than going to a mall or a disco. I am guy who does everything as the life goes on. But things never seem same for everyone.

I am just roaming around to find the reason why I want someone in every damn thing in life. When I go to a party, when I dress up for college, when I play something, when I write something good, when I do something good…why I always want that someone to watch me from a corner as I did and appreciate me for that. Why when it rains we miss someone. Why it makes an smell of a past moment when we see the weather changing. This is that lot of those questions which are never answered by either of my brain or heart.

Dreams for me have become a thing to be broken as hearts of guys in hindi movies. But they are chased and fulfilled in my thoughts. Still none in reality. I haven’t found it either why we always think every song is written for us or either a film script…n why do we relate every love story with ours. Even now when I am 20 I haven’t dated a girl. Neither have I scored something good till now. Neither have I got anything interesting to describe myself.

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