Hilarious Short Story – The Dirty Picture
Photo credit: clarita from morguefile.com
“Finally, a holiday!!!” was the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up from a deep slumber.
The next thing to register was the drowsiness; which seemed to be a state of mind that I was born with; coupled with the hangover from last night’s party pounding my head. Staying on the bed, I called my mom knowing what the disastrous consequence could be. But when I didn’t get any response on the third call (usually my first or second call is countered by some sarcastic or angry statements about previous night’s aftermath), I realized there was no one at home.
This is turning out to be a good day, I thought to myself. Normally my holiday begins with my waking up to a standard statement like “wake up, you lazy oaf” or “oh so you finally found time to come to your own house” followed by a basilisk stare that could suck your soul right out of your body.
(No wonder my dad shifted to our native place under the pretext of running our family business over there. Nice move dad!!!)
I was deciding to make the most of this alone time and decided to doze off again, when the doorbell rang.
After 6 more rings and a humongous effort, I finally managed to reach the door. On the doorstep, stood the poster woman (calling her a girl wouldn’t seem justified) of South India, and our house maid, Thangamma.
Now if you have any preconceived notion about the looks of a typical tamilian woman complete with the traditional attire, you’ll know what I mean. A short, slim, dark-skinned (Hey now, I am not being a pervert or a racist here!!!) woman in sari with a stripe of ashes smeared on her forehead and as if to match it, a huge grin on the face that could scare the wits out of Joker (from Batman). And as if her looks could not confirm, her accent explained every bit of where she came from.
Too tired to even go to the bedroom, I slumped on the couch, asking Thangamma to make me a glass of lemonade and switched on the TV. After finishing off the lemonade (still no relief from the drowsiness!!!), I flicked the channels to come across anything interesting but after ten minutes of switching channels, I decided to let it go.
Exasperated, I headed towards the bathroom. After a quick brush and exercising my bowels (still no relief from the drowsiness!!!), I thought why not take a bath as well (a mistake so big that I will regret it for the rest of my life). The cool water spurting through the shower nozzles was pleasant and refreshing which let off my train of thoughts on route of what could be today’s agenda, considering the fact that there would be no shopping with mom like the usual holidays.
The wonderful journey had just begun, when Thangamma knocked and informed that she was leaving. On hearing the front door open and close after a while, I resumed my journey of thoughts and pondered about the things that could be done today, ranging from spending the whole day on my beloved PC to playing PlayStation at my friend’s place to going for a movie with a really cute friend of mine (I came to know recently that she has a crush on me. Am I a killer or what???)
And not surprisingly, I decided to go with the latter (Cmon, how many times do you have a cute girl digging on you???).
After some amazing fantasies, I realized that I hadn’t taken my towel, which was lying on the cloth rack in the passage to my bedroom. Completely naked and water dripping from my body, I stepped out of the bathroom, knowing no one is in the house. Heading towards my bedroom, I paused to glance at living room if the curtains were closed, when my eyes caught some movement in my bedroom and I looked up, only to find ten pairs of eyes staring at me in bewilderment as I stood there, without a shred of cloth on my whole body (relief from the drowsiness at last!!!).
Now it so happened that when Thangamma was leaving, my friends were on my doorstep to meet me. Knowing them, she let them in (nice of her to do that) but in her haste to leave, she forgot to mention it to me (damn you Thangamma!!!). And the friend with whom I was planning to go to the movie stood right there, at the center of the group, gaping at the naked body of the guy with whom, ironically, she were to go watch a movie called “The Dirty Picture”(Couldn’t get dirtier than that!!!)
Now if she would have had a peek at my body a couple of years back, I really wouldn’t have minded considering her crush on me. But lack of exercise, coupled with lots of boozing, had resulted in fats protruding from various parts of my bodies which isn’t really worth flaunting, especially not in front of my “friends” who never miss an opportunity to take a dig at my weight (Never imagined there would be such a heavy price to pay for obesity!!!)
One second, there was absolute silence. The very next second I dashed for the bathroom, while I could hear my friends howling with laughter. I waited helplessly in the bathroom for someone to hand over a towel to me, looking down at whatever was available for display for my friends. So much for the prediction of the day being good!!! 15 minutes later, still waiting for the towel while my friends laughed mercilessly at me, I simply couldn’t help but think, “OF ALL THE GUYS IN THIS FREAKING PLANET, WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN WITH ME???”
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vNt
