The end of September, always brings a sence of melanchony and an age old loneliness. It has been eight long years. But, come September, and the receeding autumn rains take me back to that same night beneath the street light on the road side.
It still seems like yesterday!
The endless wait, the broken promises, the misunderstandings, every thing feels likes a rude splash of water on my sleeping face. What braught us both on that cross road that night? I still can not fathom the pain and confusion so acutely visible in our voices, in our eyes, in our accusations. In our tears. We gave up. We broke up. We set each other free. But we could not stop loving. The anguish, the pain, the loss of a dream so precious was unbearable. And so scary.
The mere idea of not being with each other happily ever after, was unacceptable to the mind. But some how the hearts had known it for quite some while by then. That it was not meant to be. Not every love story is lucky to see the light of the next day. That night, in that moment, in the silence after the storm, some thing changed. We were no more a couple.
The autumn winds rustled the dried leaves in to tiny tornadoes, and slapped them straight in to our tear strained faces. May be it was Mother Nature’s attempt to bring us back to reality. To assure in Her own way, that even though the relationship had broken that night, some thing more strong had taken birth between us. Our love.
Through all our fights, in all our mindless accusations, we had never stopped loving. It was just meant to be. You and I. We were not going to be together. We both wanted different things. And we realised that expecting the other to tow the line for the former’s sake would eventually be the last nail in our love’s coffin. The pain was real.
That was the first time we had felt so lost, so small and completely vulnerable. The day we parted ways, never to hold hands, but to forever hold each other’s hearts. Eight years, and it still seems like yesterday. But. We never stopped loving. And this letter to you, Dear M’s Daddy, is in honour of completing a Decade of Love, in September 2014.
Love, with no strings attached. Love, with no burdains of relationships, no boundries of expectations. Love, with a free spirit. So, my darling M’s Daddy, a Very Happy First Decade Anniversary of Love, that blossomed after we broke up. Sounds cheesy, I know you will say! Specially, coming from me, who was never a fan of the rose tinted glasses.
Dear M’s Daddy
I loved you then. I love you today. And I will love you till the end of time.
Who says you can’t rise in love more than once? That, there is just one with whome you are meant to connect? I refuse to accept that. I have loved, and I have lost, but I have loved again. And I have been happy too.
Yes, we didn’t get married. Yes we didn’t get to hold the little baby girl of our dreams, our M. To create a home and hearth of our dreams. So what? I still love you. Will always do. And I know you love me too. A love that you and I are so proud of. A love that has lived and will continue to flourish for ever.
We are married to different and yet simply awesome and adorable people today. With whome we fall in love deeper and deeper every day. We both go home to our respective kids every evening. Who says we are not happy?
Yes, we broke up, and we admit that we both went through some awful and extremely painful years. Years, where we were still together. Together in each others’ time of grief and sorrow. We knew no one who would understand our pain, who would help us see through the dark tunnle. So we stood next to each other, and became each other’s support.
Had we not held hands and be the rock that the other needed to lean on, we both would have drifted away in to oblivion. There were tears, the never ending wait, confusion, heart break, the usual paraphernelia of every break up package. But some times, when you have lost, its easier to move on. Easier to start a new story, than to dwell in the past. Its a long road to walk alone. Are we not happy, that at least our grief, our common sorrow kept us together?
We gave each other the solace, the balm to put on open cuts, to heal our bruised hearts. Don’t we agree, the guilt, the pain, the loneliness would have been too much to handle if we had to do it alone? We had to get through it. You and I. And fast. Lives had to be lived, brought back to normalcy, so that we could love again. With no strings attached.
How we broke up, what was the reason, who broke whose heart, such things didn’t matter any more. We had to work as a team. And our secret project took off. In fact, the break up brought us closer, made so many things crystal clear. We finally respected each other. We finally understood each other. We found out the missing links in the jig saw puzzle. The accusations, the acerbic tone were soon replaced by one thing. Calm acceptance of each other, just as we were. There was no discussion of getting back together. We were long past that by then. As we talked more, consoled each other on the dark days, laughed and guided on the good ones, we helped each other to look at the brighter side of everything.
The project ‘Live Again, Love Forever’, has been an outstanding success! Congratulations M’s Daddy!
We had made a promise long ago. Long before the break up. And I am proud that we have kept it, till date. Admit it, we can both say under our breathes with a chuckle, yes, the only one that’s still going steady. The promise was to never stop loving.
A marriage, a child, a family are no products or proof of love. Sadly, they can exist, without love too. But not ours. Love conquers all, don’t they say that? Ours is a precious love. Isnt it M’s Daddy? We have always loved each other, stood by each other, come hail or sun shine. You and I, we have pulled back the other from the wrong roads, much to the chagrin of the other, many times.
We cried, we accused, we played the blame game, we sulked. We broke up. But we never stopped loving. Our love stayed strong. Through our break up, and in the traumatic years that followed. We stayed in touch through every thing. Even when there were no mails or phone calls possible. We stayed connected.
You pushed me to stand by my husband and my new family. You made me realise that, that was what I would have done if it had been you and your family. I am happy to admit, you pointed out so many of my mistakes as a newly wed, trying to adjust in her new surroundings. Was it easy for you? I am sure it was not. But you persevered. For me. For my happiness. For our love.
I love him as much as I love you. Thers not a pin to choose between the two of you when it comes to how much I love you both. Because love can not be measured. You both are my strong holds in every storm that I face. When I turned away from every relation, you told me I was wrong. That I must relook at things once again. To put things straight, come what may.
That my love, is love.
Love isn’t blind. Else I would have let you drown yourself in work and your crazy chase for fame and money. Material desires can not be used as a blanket to keep away the cold loneliness. I couldn’t let that happen to you. I knew it then and I know it now. Money, fame, they can never make up for the losses we incur to procure them. And that was my sole reason to nag you persistently and pull you away from your timeless work schedules. Enough to drive you crazy, raise your head above your insane work hours and listen.
So what if I couldn’t be the mother of your child, I got to experience parenthood. Isn’t it a lovely blessing bestowed on us all? I could never imagine you not knowig the joys of holding your new born in your arms. It didn’t matter if work suffered. You being present for the birth of your baby was more important to me.
As we said to each other, during our break up days, may be God wanted us to look beyond our love and make our respective spouces and kids happy. That was His master plan. He didn’t let us create the daughter of our dreams so that we could be blessed with two kids, my daughter and your son. We asked for one and He blessed us with two! What more could we have asked for?
Its been eight long years, since we broke up, and we haven’t lost touch, haven’t loved each other less for even a minute. And I couldn’t be more proud of our love. We get to quarrle, be each others guide, be happy for the milestones we and our partners achieve, sad for the falls we take and most importanlty be happy for the little bundles of joy we got blessed with.
Who would have thought, that I would be sharing parenting tips with the guy, whome I couldnt bear to sit next to, just a couple of years ago? Thats the kind of love every one should be blessed with. A love that does not obsess, does not intend to possess. It sets you free. And the freedom is so devine that you always always do come back. Am I right M’s Daddy?
All the pain of that hasty break up, the questions that were left unanswered then, the long wait, every thing that caused the rift, or the pain, has been burried into oblivion. We love each other, care for each others spouces, and adore our kids. We are still together in such a special way. As for our spouses, they accept and respect us too.
So dear M’s Daddy, you have to agree with me when I say, we are the luckiest love birds that ever had to break up!
As we gear up for our 10th anniversary of being together next year, let me tell you just one more time, that had it not been for you, may be I wouldn’t have had the strength to go on, on so many occasions. And my love for you and every one connected to you, grows deeper and deeper with each passing day.
I smile every time I remember the frantic calls that I would get from your parents, every time you refused their impatient proposals to get married. I was married for more than two years by then, and they thought that it was high time for you too move on. How could I tell those two blessed souls tha you and I, we still loved each other. That would have been the last straw for them , I am sure. But then, I knew your reason for refusals, one that you wouldn’t tell me either.
You were looking for me in every face that you saw. You had to stop. I was me. And that was it. I knew it was easier said than done. I had been there and done that too. It had not been a cake walk to accept another man as my life partner, when I had sworn my heart to another. That day, when you finally told me about her, I was so happy. Not sad, not even a wee bit. You had choosen to love, once more. And I had felt as I had just won the entire universe! I knew you would love with all your heart, once again. I knew you were apprehensive, that you would end up comparing. Remember what I had told you? That she is a new person, completely different from me. Not more, not less. Love her for what she is.
The thing about the human heart is, if love breaks it, it’s only love that can put it back together. And that’s what we have always strived to do. We had talked about it for so many long hours. That it wouldn’t be easy to love. Again, and without comparing. But love we had to.
Just because we loved each other, did not give us the right to hurt another pure love. And so we stopped comparing and started loving. Correction, we stopped looking for each other, in them. And did we get lucky the second time? Oh yes!
I’ll end this letter, with just one note. Stay happy, and keep loving. That’s what He sent us down to earth for. And that has been our ever lasting promise to each other. So let’s just continue to love.
Yours forever (what ever that means)