The Best Medicine

She looked at herself in the mirror, staring into her big, dark eyes, examining the curve of her lips, the hollow of her throat. She undid the knot of her hair, and let it fall loosely on her shoulders. She was looking at herself for the last time. She felt terribly numb, her insides felt empty. She stood before the mirror for a long time, like a statue. Then she smiled sadly and fell to the floor in a heap.

Three months ago…….

“Will you stop it Mona? You have to end this suffering you know.” Swati banged her fists on the table and stood up.

“What did I do?” she looked up from the table, at her friend’s face.

“What do you think you are doing? You are wasting away your time, your happiness for some loser who doesn’t deserve you.” Swati looked at her straight in the eye and replied.

She rolled her eyes and went back to staring at the table top, for no apparent reason. She knew she had become a big bore ever since her break-up with the ‘loser’ that Swati always referred to. She knew by heart all the post-break-up pep talks that her friends had been giving her. She knew that her friends knew that it was having no effect on her, that she was drifting more and more to the self-made cocoon she had created for herself.

“Look at me for God’s sake!” she heard Swati scream. God, I made her really angry, she thought.

She looked at Swati again, a bit sheepishly. That did it, Swati cooled off and sat down, and began talking to her in a soothing tone, a word of which she didn’t hear. Poor Swati, she thought, looking at her face, I am giving her a hard time. Now she spends most of her time with me than her boyfriend. It doesn’t matter; soon she’s going to be married off, and then she will have loads of time to spend with him. She will look awesome in her wedding, in a bright red sari perhaps, her figure so slim, and her face so pretty, oh god…..

She felt a push on her arm, and her vision cleared. “Do you understand what I am saying?” Swati was at the point of getting angry again.

“Yes sweetheart. You will look absolutely stunning on your wedding day.”

“WHAT?”

“Never mind. Hey, lunch time is over, I have to go”, she patted Swati’s hand, picked up her bag and left.

She knew she was going to get nowhere if she continued like this. At some point, she would become unbearable and her behaviour inexcusable. Then her friends would start avoiding her and finally, leave her. The fear of losing her friends plagued her day and night, more so, because she had very few friends. She was a very shy kind of girl, tongue-tied, and always unable to start a conversation. She thought things would change later, when she grew up and got a job. But it had been two years since she was working and she could only say as much as ‘Hi’ or “Good morning’ to her colleagues in office without making a fool of herself.

Boys always frightened her. She knew that their minds worked on different frequencies than girls, and this knowledge made her stay away from them as far as possible. She never thought any boy would fall in love with her, but he did. He was a classmate of her at college, and had come up to her at a friend’s birthday party and said “I love you”. And she had been unable to reply, as usual, and had left the scene. But he had continued to stalk her in between classes, to tuitions, to the market, everywhere she went. At last, partly unable to get him off her back and partly thrilled at the prospect of having a boyfriend, she had urged her friends to tell him that she loved him too.

What happened after was a series of dates, which made her actually fall in love with him. He would always praise her beautiful deep, dark eyes, her red, blushing cheeks and her flowing waist-length hair. He used to say that it was her innocence and shyness that made him fall in love with her. They would talk till late in the night. They would meet secretly in restaurants situated in the far side of the city, stare at each others’ eyes till the coffee grew cold in their cups. They would arrive separately at the cinema hall, select corner seats and sit there cosily, holding hands, and sometimes kissing.

Their romance lasted two years, and started falling apart when she got a job in an advertising agency and he left for Mumbai for higher studies. She was very depressed for the first few months after he had left, and spent all her money on phone calls. He said that he missed her very much, which gradually turned into “Ya, I miss you”, and then, “Miss you, bye!”, and finally, “I think it’s time that I tell you about Nisha…….”

She shook her head now, unable to concentrate on her work and looked at her watch. Swati might still be at office. She took out her phone and dialled her number, to ask her to meet her again on her way back home. They could do some shopping.

“Hello?” An unfamiliar male voice answered.

“Umm…. Swati?” she said haltingly.

“Wait a minute……. Swatiiiiii!!!!!” he screamed.

A moment later, she heard Swati’s voice on the other end. She had come home from office early and was at home now, so couldn’t go shopping with her. Before hanging up, she learnt that it was her cousin Aman who had received the call.

Later she found out that Aman lived in Delhi and had just completed his graduation. He had come to visit Swati and her family, and would be staying for about a month. “Good for you”, Swati said. “All you need is a good dose of Aman’s medicine now, and all your depression will be gone in a puff.”

She wondered what Swati meant but was too preoccupied in her own thoughts to ask.

Her first meeting with Aman was striking. He had come to pick up Swati from the market one day when they had gone shopping. He fit the description of ‘tall, dark and handsome’ but his face still had a boyish innocence and his eyes a playful, mischievous look. She, who had never thought of liking any other boy ever in life, felt a strange attraction towards him which made her vaguely disturbed. Swati introduced them, and she saved herself from embarrassment by saying hello with a small smile.

Her next meeting was enjoyable. The three of them had gone for a stroll one Sunday evening along the outskirts of the city. Aman was lively and had a great sense of humour. He could talk freely about anything and everything. She watched Swati and him, arguing playfully as they walked, sometimes stealing glances at his face. She began to feel more disturbed, as she felt hard to tear away her glance from his face.
Maybe it was his boyishness that had attracted her. Or his way of taking matters so lightly. His sense of humour. His good looks. Or maybe all of them put together.

She began to look forward to meeting him. She knew it wasn’t going to help her at all; he might have a girlfriend he was deeply in love with, he might be a flirt or a playboy, or he might turn out to be like her ex. But she couldn’t stop her heart, she was terribly infatuated in just two encounters with him.

It was a rainy day when she met him for the third time. Swati had thrown a party at home on occasion of her parents’ wedding anniversary, and she had called her to say that she would not be able to attend the party; it was raining hard and she was unable to find an auto. Swati had then sent Aman to pick her up in their car. She stood there at the auto stand shelter, in a maroon churidaar-kurta, her hair damp, sticking to her neck, and her kajal smudged under the eyes. She cursed the rain over and over again, wishing she could tidy herself up a bit. She felt painfully embarrassed when the car stopped at her feet and he opened the door for her to get in. Half of her wished to refuse and flee to the back seat, and half wished to run back home. But she didn’t utter a word and sat down next to him in the front seat. The drive took fifteen minutes, during which all of Aman’s efforts to make small talk with her were wasted; she just answered with a monosyllable or with a nod or shake of her head. And she refused to look up at him.

After the party, Aman dropped her home again, this time not uttering a single word to her. She changed, washed and then locked her up in her room, tears welling up in her eyes. She had tried to talk, but something had stopped her. It was that something that had always stopped her when she was unsure of herself. She didn’t know if she wanted to find a friend in him. He was just here for a visit and then he would leave. So, there was no point in talking to him or making friends because it would result in a bunch of memories which would hurt her when he would be gone. When he would be gone……. she began to cry. She didn’t want him to go away like her ex. She had dreamed so much and all of them had shattered. She had found love and had lost it. Now, she didn’t want to fall in love again and wait for some unknown time in anticipation of seeing him. She cried through the whole night, in utter helplessness, that her life had come to a standstill; she didn’t know whether to fall in love again or stay out of it.

Her phone beeped with the tone of an incoming text message. It was from Aman.

“Do you have khich khich?” was the message.

She hastily wiped her eyes and sat up in her bed. “No”, she typed and hit ‘Send’.

“Can’t you talk then?”

“I know I behaved stupidly, but I am a bit shy. I can’t just talk to anybody like that.”

“Hey…. I am not anybody! You know me.”

“I just sort of know you till now.”

“Care to know more? ;)”

She wondered what the hidden meaning of the winking smiley was, and replied, “Why not?”

“Ok. Let’s meet tomorrow after your office time. Good night.”

“Ok, good night.”

She was horrified now. She was going to meet him alone! What would she talk about? What if she didn’t know what to say and meaninglessly blabbered about things she didn’t have any idea about? Or worse, what if her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth and refused to budge?
She slept badly that night.

The next day, she was unable to concentrate at work, and kept checking the time again and again. After lunch, Swati called.

“Hey, Aman told me he is meeting you today.”

Her eyes almost popped out in shock. He did??? Of course he did. There was nothing to hide. He was not taking her on a date, it was just hanging out as friends. Of course he would have told Swati.

“Hello? Are you listening? Mona? Hello?”

It took a while to find her voice again. “Umm….yes. I was just going to call you to tell you about it.”

“Listen, since you are going, please do me favour. I have told him so much about our favourite hangout place. Now he wants to see it. Will you take him there?”

“Sure.”

“Ok then. Have a good time. Will call you later.” And she hung off.

Sh*t. Swati was so easy about everything. Couldn’t she be easy like her? Her stomach felt as if it was in knots. She was thrilled, she was happy, she was looking forward to meet him, but that was her sub consciousness. Right now, she felt drained.

Aman picked her up from office in the car, and they drove around aimlessly. She smiled once while getting in the car, and then she was silent. In fact, the silence stretched so long that Aman had to turn on the music to save her from embarrassment. He had an amused smile playing on his lips, she had noticed. But he didn’t say a word.

So that’s what he was playing with. He won’t talk unless she started talking first. Serves me right, she thought.

“Hi”, she uttered at last.

He looked at her with a surprised smile. “I thought you were going to say something else.”

“I will. How are you?”

“Oh c’mon. So what’s your tragedy about?”

She was shocked at his abrupt question. “Swati told you about it.”

“No, she didn’t. I overheard her talking to you over the phone several times and came to know that it’s a heartbreak problem.”

“Ya, but I’m over it now.”

“Doesn’t look like it”, he smirked.

She didn’t know what to say. All her nervousness had evaporated. A feeling of dread was taking its place now. She didn’t want to discuss about her breakup with him.

“Will you mind taking the next left turn, I want to show you a place”, she said.

They parked on the side of the bridge which was her and her friends’ favourite hangout place. The bridge was made of logs, and had railings of thick rope on both sides. It was not far from the highway, but was secluded by lots of trees.

“This place is sooooo……….”, Aman stopped, searching for an appropriate word to describe it.

“Peaceful”, both of them said at the same time. She looked at him, and they laughed.

“And soothing”, she added.

“Don’t forget beautiful”, he said.

They stood there, holding on to the ropes, looking at the water below. She told him how she and her friends had discovered that place, how they used to bunk tuitions and chill out there. She told him about her friends, her school and college life. She talked incessantly, on and on, about every happy memory that she had about that place. She stopped suddenly when she realised that it had been months since she had talked this much. Tears began to roll down her cheeks.

A hand appeared before her. “Nice to meet the real Mona”, she heard him say.

She managed to wipe her tears and smile feebly before she shook his hand.

After that, they had frequent meetings, often Swati accompanying them. She told him about her ex, and he laughed when she told him that she had fasted every Monday for two months to win him back.

“I tell you, he was an a** to let you go, don’t worry, your fasts will pay off, you will get someone amazing in future” was his reply.

He also told her about himself, his friends, and family. Once, in a flower shop where she had to buy a bouquet for a gift, Aman had mentioned that mogra was his girlfriend’s favourite flower.

She felt a small pang of pain in her heart. “How long are you in a relationship?” she asked.

“Two years, and it ended last month.”

“What? You mean….”she was honestly shocked. How could anyone give up on him?

“I mean it’s over. I do miss her though.” He sighed.

“Did she stop loving you?”

“No, no. I am the bad guy here. I broke up with her.”

“But why? You said you miss her.” Oh no, she thought. Not another one of those.

“I had reasons. Now tell me what flowers are you picking up for the bouquet?” And he had changed the subject.

She loved being with him. He was so easy to talk to. He could make her feel good with his stupid jokes. And he made her feel happy. Real happy. She dreaded to think when he would go back to Delhi, and was too afraid to ask. She just knew she would terribly miss him. Maybe she was falling in love with him. But she knew he was in love with the girl he broke up with, reasons unknown to her.

“Didn’t I tell you once? Aman’s medicine was what you needed. And now you are, hale and hearty”, Swati told her one day when she met her after office. Aman hadn’t come with her.

“You were right. Why didn’t he come today?”

“He is sick.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing, just not feeling well.”

“Oh. So, where will we go now?”

“Actually Mona, I think I have to go home now. And I have to tell you that I won’t be home for some days. We are going to Delhi.” Swati was looking worried now.

“We?”

“Me and my parents.”

“And Aman?”

“He is going too.”

So that was it.

“You mean all of you are going to Delhi.”

“Yes.”

“When will you be back?”

“Can’t say. Maybe after a month or so.”

“Why so long? Is everything all right?”

“Everything is fine.”

“Aman won’t be coming back with you, will he?”

“I don’t think so. No, he won’t.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

She walked back home, sick with anger and despair. So there would be no time for goodbyes. Aman was sick. But Swati said he wasn’t that sick. Then couldn’t he come and meet her for a last time? What had happened to friendship? Maybe she was not that important to him as he was to her. Maybe the joy of going back home was too much for him. And why was Swati looking so worried? Maybe there was some family problem that she was hesitating to talk about. But how did that matter Aman? He could have called her at least to say that he was going and he couldn’t come to meet her.

She waited that night, hoping that he would call or text her, but he didn’t. After a long time, she cried herself to sleep.

With Swati gone, she began to feel very lonely. She called her a few times, but every time Swati sounded worried and unwell. And whenever she asked about Aman, he was unavailable. She had tried calling him on his number but it was switched off. It felt as if he was deliberately avoiding her. But why this sudden change in behaviour?
She stopped calling altogether.

It was after a month that Swati called her to say that she was home and she wanted to meet at their hangout place, the bridge. She would never forget how she managed to come home from there after Swati told her what actually happened.

Aman was no more. He was dead.

He had brain tumour, it was diagnosed too late, and operating it would have meant instant death. Aman knew, and decided against the operation, wanting to enjoy the last days of his life. He loved travelling, and so his parents took him everywhere he wanted to go. However, he came to visit Swati alone. He had fallen sick suddenly, that was why Swati and her parents decided to take him home to Delhi the next day. He was hospitalised, but they knew there was no hope. He had died ten days later.

“I couldn’t tell you before. Telling it would mean it was true, and I didn’t want it to be true. He liked you very much, Mona…. he told me many times. He understood you easily because he was also going through depression; he had broken up with the girl he loved after he came to know that he was going to die”, Swati had told her.

She reached home, dazed, went straight to the medicine closet, and then to her room. She locked herself in, stood before the mirror and stuffed a handful of sleeping pills down her throat.

–END–

Editor’s Note: Marriage or happy life is not necessarily destination in love. In fact love has no destination because love cannot be concluded. Love story never ends – there is sequel: sequel for true feeling – way beyond pain or pleasure, sequel for sacrifice, sequel for being a good human – for your love. Love is gift of God. It is the nature. True lovers never commit suicide – they live… for their love…