I never ever thought of writing my diary. My pen started scribbling. Obviously, it had to be about Mohan. It’s been 10 years now and I still could not get over Mohan. Was he my first love? I could not dare to even think of any other in place of Mohan.
I remember that day very well, because it is the first time I saw him . I could not ever take my eyes off Mohan. Deep within me, I knew that I was being stupid and that he would never think about me. I never understood the mixed emotions that was ringing deep within me. Mohan was the most handsome guy in my college. I never knew why I was so awestruck whenever I look at him. I felt scared what if he dislikes me. What can I do to catch his attention ?
Each time I left the house, I was excited as I could have a glance at him. Evenings back home was boring. I was never treated as a grown up. My Dad never cared for me but my mom always used to resort to nitpicking right from my things to my studies. I was pretty decent in studies but my mom compared me with others who she used to think as the best. I loved affection. I was usually quite peppy and excitable, but found myself glued to cell phone and avoided meeting friends.
“Instead of staring at your cellphone, it would be better if you stared at the books.” she used to quip.
What was happening to me? Is it wrong to fall in love, and why Mohan! I did not even had a talk with him. Some may call it infatuation but doesn’t love start with infatuation. Shall I take Mohan out for a coffee. He does not even know me. I was feeling scared.
“Hey, Are you in love?” Hema used to ask me with mischievous eyes. Hema was the daughter of my neighbor, who joined my college last year and ever since she was doting on me. We were always together towards college and back and I felt she was trying to impress me in vain. She tried to make me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile.
“Would you leave? Please?” I asked her, agitated.
She said she found something amiss with me. She walked away. I felt guilty.
I apologised to her later in the night. The very next morning she was banging my door, ready to go for college with me. My Mom was very fond of her and had very good words to say for her. I wished my Mom said something good about me.
I felt sick. I was sure, whatever my feelings were, was not going to reach a happy ending. Shall I just forget everything and move on!
I lay awake a long time that night thinking about Mohan. Smiling through tears, I slept and dreamt deeply and vividly. Dreams are elusive. My childhood dreams were all about cartoons. I dreamt about becoming a power ranger. My dreams changed with age and now Mohan was my power ranger.
The next day, I decided to leave before Hema as I wanted to avoid her. I left early and was walking alone. To my surprise, Mohan was in his bike passing me. He quickly glanced at me and stopped.
My heart skipped a beat. I stood still for a moment. Everything seemed to stop. I mean nothing really stopped, but my heart did, for a second. My eyes were wide open and my mouth the same.
“Hey, aren’t you from Model college?”
I couldn’t hide my smile as he gestured me to hop on.
“We never really met though in the same college. Give your mobile no. I will add you in my whatsapp group.”
I took one deep breath and gave him my number. If only I got a chance to convey Mohan my feelings.
“Where is Hema? I often see you with her.”
I felt irritated. When I am with him, why ask about Hema?
Soon it started drizzling.
I woke up startled. It was my Mom who was sprinkling water over me and shouting at me to get up as I was to get ready for the exam in college.
“Oh No!, it was a dream.
I lazily woke up. I hated Mom for disrupting my dream. My hearts sank and questions built up in my head.
Few minutes later, the doorbell rang. I scurried across the corridor to open the door. It was the same old Hema.
“Hey, what happened to you? Are you ok!” Hema was asking.
I had a sheepish grin
I began stalking Mohan every day, though I found it odd.
Why should I feel guilty? I used to console myself.
One day, to my dismay, I found Mohan cosying with Sharmila.
Sharmila was one of the pretty girls in my class. She was rather scantily clad and I did not find appropriate. I stood transfixed, lost in emotion. Sharmila found something amiss and seemed to take offense at me.
Mohan was soon red faced and he advanced at me. I got a thrashing of my life. I was made to look like a spectacle in the college campus. I looked around for Hema to console myself but she abruptly left for home ahead of me.
Back home, my dad was, as usual, watching TV unconcerned. My mom was in deep hysteria at me for falling into bad company and eve teasing at women.
How can I ever tell my Mom that I was not looking at Sharmila but Mohan. I was in love with him.
P.S.– Deepak soon found himself alone. Even Hema was not around to give him company. He was not attracted to Hema too. He was in love with Mohan but knew very well that he can never propose him. Society will call him gay. Isn’t gay supposed to be lighthearted and carefree. Deepak kept down his pen and started reading his own story, a story he would keep reading all his life.
Written by Suresh M Iyer