Upside Down

Pakhi can no longer feel the thin wet line of tears running down her cheeks. Standing in her veranda, her whole face is now wet and the drizzling rains are blurring the difference between them and the tears. She’s weak, exhausted. Her body is trembling, trying to overcome the anxiety of what’s next.

The doorbell rings. Pakhi quickly rubs her face and opens the door for the father daughter duo.

An unkind silence overpowers her last soft whimpers.

Her daughter Diya is not chattering in her usual self, sensing some tension in her mumma. Unlike most days she does no nagging or cajoling for anything and finishes her cup of milk before she resigns to her room.

This discomfited calm is the consequence of the morning war of words. Sharing a home and personal space is not easy for any two grown up, independent individuals. The clouds of personal expectations have repressed the beautiful breeze of love & togetherness.

After more than a fifteen years of being alongside each other and having sailed the sea of life together through good and bad, Pakhi feels they are no more rowing together.

She’s been upset, angry, tired and constantly complaining of being responsible for more things than she ever imagined. ‘I want a break from being the official care giver of her family.’ said Pakhi before she stomped her way out the living room.

Shaarav responded in anger ‘who’s asked you to do anything for me? If you do not feel the need to do or you can’t take care of your daughter, tell me. I’ll look out for alternative.’

‘What a throwback from the person I cared for! If you are insensitive to my hassles, it’s perfect. It’s not about what I do but about how I do…’ Pakhi muttered.

‘If it’s so difficult then let’s close the chapter and move on rather than living in a war each day for rest of our lives. I’m quite fed up of these.’ Shaarav countered and walked away. Since then he didn’t see Pakhi until he returned in the evening.

Pakhi’s day starts at five in the morning like many women, with first 3hrs juggling between her child, her husband, her home and kitchen duties despite having a cook & a house-help. Rest of the day is divided between work and evening at home.

And most of the days, she’s the one who’s sleep deprived with her mind ticking all the time and getting entangled in series of thoughts while rest of her body is asleep.

The anxiety in the air didn’t change any bit of Pakhi’s routine. She prepared dinner for the family, finished her chores while pretending to be fine all the way. She called out to Diya and whispered in her ears to call daddy for dinner. Diya felt the situation is getting better and happily yelled out to her dad ‘food is ready papa, come fast.’

Shaarav also politely replied back ‘You start darling. I’ll join you right away.’

Diya finished her dinner and bid good night to her mum & dad. But Shaarav is still not at the dinner table. He goes to the kitchen, without even glancing at what Pakhi has cooked, takes out bread from the fridge, puts some peanut butter and munches away into his work room.

Pakhi watches all of this sitting alone in the corner of the living room sofa. In just half a day her whole life has gone upside down to a point where her husband is ready to let her go of his life. A small little family in a small little home and still there’s so much distance between them.

She weeps relentless cupping her mouth such that even her snivels do not reach Diya. She wonders, is the strain of working hard for a family anywhere close to the stinging pain of living away from your loved ones? Is it even worth it?

She’s mad at herself now wondering how life would be without her husband while she’s got a mind overcome with a familiar envy and anger towards him.

‘I’m educated working woman. Why should I be afraid? I’m going to be fine alone.’ Pakhi reassures herself. ‘Where am I wrong?’

She tries to plan her day well but inevitably with more must-dos than time in-hand, she hates the tiniest changes in routine or plan that creates any additional work. There are times when she does indulge in the occasional caprice & wheedle of her little family but never is it enough. Inevitably she runs out of energy and sanity.

‘I don’t want to live unhappy with failures all my life. May be I wasn’t created for marriage & family. I want to live free for myself.’ Pakhi has decided that she refuses to live like this in pity & regret like this forever.

Pakhi gets up to do a serious talk with Shaarav. She walks by her Diya’s room, switches off her room lights and moves forward to the second room. Her throat is feeling thirsty like never before, heart might just jump out its place unable to hold the terrible shudders, ‘What if we agree to part our ways?.’

‘Will parting ways make me happy?’

She goes back into the dining area, pours herself a glass of water. She takes a sip and words of Shaarav echoes in her ears ‘if you want to be free, so be it.’ Pakhi’s mind is not ready to reason for him but only against him. She remembers each & every rude thing he would have ever said over the many years of companionship.

Slowly and steadily she finished her glass of water, and walks towards Shaarav’s room. The room is pitch dark. He has gone to sleep. Pakhi looks at their big table clock in living room; it’s 12.30 in the night.

The table clock was Shaarav’s gift to Pakhi when they shifted to their own apartment. Both of them had taken great care to build their abode of love, ensuring it reflected their simplicity, their likes and their soulful connection.  Every element of their home had a surprising edge to it which neither did stand testament to the fanciful maudlin romance nor any frigid indifferent relationship.

Their home is not always black or white but has a million shades of grey in between like their love. Pakhi believed Shaarav to be her soul mate whom she met because it was destiny. Suddenly all her arguments against Shaarav were falling flat.

‘Is our love really dead? Or maybe love got wings and went for a ride only to return’.

Pakhi’s phone blinks. Who must it be so late in the night? An email from Shaarav landed in her inbox. Her knees are growing weak and her eyes are dry with fear of the unexpected.

‘Is he really that fast in pushing me out of his life? Does he really want what he said?’ Pakhi wondered.

Bewildered she opens her messages.

It read:

I have a partner who I can share my problems and happiness- both. Believe me!!

I know may be I have not been the best man for you since I don’t say how much I love you. But still, you are the best woman I know for sure.

We know you work really hard and you must know I think you have been a great mother and wife. You can’t beat this.

‎Tried hard to write moments to cheer you but would love them to stay in my heart forever. Just remember we were born to meet and spend life together.

Whenever you feel the urge to let go of us, read this. I mean it. 

Pakhi couldn’t stop her tears rolling down. Shaarav crept up behind her like a ghost and put his wide big arms around her shoulders.  She wept like a little child who was lost and found.

The vigour of Shaarav’s hug was enough to tell Pakhi how petrified he was to lose her to sheer papers of law. He didn’t need a word more. But Pakhi needed to tell him she was always his.

She whispered into his heart ‘Love isn’t dead until we let it die.’

–END–