IF ONLY

I  finally met him (Abhay),  how could I ever forget that voice?  His every words are crystal clear to me. Those memories are fresh and alive.

I use to come home as early as I could  from my job  just to meet him on line. Chatting with him was my favorite job through out the day. He was funny, short tempered but most of all a charmer who use to play with his words so perfectly. Any sad days I had, he would cheer me up with his silly jokes and songs and no matter  how sad I use to be I use to smile and laugh. We exchanged our no. Seeing him live was the only option left for me now. I was staying in Calcutta and he was from Mumbai. There was this distance between us that was killing both of us. He was a mass communication student pursuing his masters. I met him on Orkut which now doesn’t exist. It was almost 1 years that I knew him. Our conversation started up with a lie which was quite funny. Well! I was the one who lied.

It was an open chat room were I first met him and I lied at first by saying that I am a model from Punjab. He actually believed my story but afterwards he requested me for my orkut  id and I got caught because I don’t look like a Punjabi at all. I am a north eastern girl. I thought may be he might get pissed now but to my surprise he was even more impressed to see that I belong to that region.

Our chat became regular after that and with moving days our bonding got stronger. We were in love and it was kind of funny that though I being a very practical person how silly of me to fall for some one behind that internet! at first I use to deny it for it was too true be a love but I fell really hard in his love. I was completely webbed. He would always ask me to come over to Mumbai and if not possible he offered to be there in Calcutta. I always denied,You know why? Because I was too scared to break this illusion of being in love, I use to think  that may be after I meet him he might not like me at all.What if he is a complete jerk.

He was a very good lucking guy and I was average looking girl. Though people say that look doesn’t matter well it does to some extend. Specially with the strangers whom you get close to by just seeing his picture which might have been photo shopped or edited in a best way they can. You create your own vision about that person, you picture them the way you like and when you encounter them in  reality and if  the picture  doesn’t match you will feel bad or rather ran off. Its a truth a bitter truth. I could see his rich friend circle and most of the time they would be with him. His group was very important to him and I use to feel uncomfortable thinking about them, meeting them was just beyond my imagination. I was from a middle class family where I was allowed just small pocket money, till class 10th I use to wear whatever my mother would buy. My expenses was limited.

After coming to Calcutta I was doing a job and taking my expenses on my own which made me hard to think of going to Mumbai which is of course  expensive city. He would offer me to visit there and use to tell me  not to worry about anything but I being a self independent girl I will never except that. So, I would always asked his to wait for some time.This all discussions  was making hard for both of us to carry on smoothly.Everyday he would force me to meet him and I use to again deny and one day what I always feared  happened, I lose him to someone else. He fell in love with someone else and I being far from him I couldn’t protect my love.

It was the last time he called me –

All broken and shattered I asked him-

What about me then?

I heard his sad voice from the other side which was sounding as if he was tired of me denying-

Baby! I loved you a lot and I still do but this is not going to work.Its been a year now and I haven’t seen you once. You never want to see me and I want to be with someone whom I can be with. I can’t wait no more. I am going with her. Is there anything else you want to say? Say it please!

I wanted to shout and scream at him but I thought I should let him go. ”If he had ever loved me he wouldn’t  have fall in love with someone else but he did which means he never loved me” that was a cliche girl thinking.

No, I have nothing to say. I do understand you completely and you are right you should be with someone who is near to you. I am happy for you. Be happy forever. Goodbye!! and I hung up the call.

I lost him that day like I never knew him. After that day he never called me and I never called him back ( ego my friend). No messages at all. He blocked me from all the link that I can be in touch with him so did I.

It took me couple of years to think about him a little less then I use to think about him each and everyday. No matter how hard I tried to forget him there always would be something or the other that reminded of him.He was alive somewhere inside me.

After 3 years, I shifted to Mumbai. I was suppose to be happy but I wasn’t at all.  By then he had become a complete stranger and I even didn’t tried to look for him though I was in his city, because I use to think that he ditched me. My depression and obsession had turned into an anger by then and I became bitter human being  from inside. I almost boycott guys out of my life.

Until, I met Rishi and I don’t know how I fell in love with him but somehow I fell. The reason was  I saw Abhay  in him. He was more like him in many ways. I started seeing him and I was completely happy with him. One day he took me to a party, it was some friend’s birthday party. I was standing with couple of girls while Abhay was busy with his friends. I heard this known voice.

Wait! I have talked with this person and it can’t be him.I turned back and very close to me was this guy standing . He was facing the other side but that voice I remember clearly. I moved towards that gentle man and I pat him on his shoulder. He turned around and yes! it was him. He was even more shocked then me. I didn’t knew how to react at all I could feel was a warm water falling from my eyes ‘ droplet of tears”. For a moment I felt like I am dreaming. Those flash back of him started coming into my mind. It was just like yesterday I was in love with him or may be I am still in love with him.

He held my hand and-

God! I could not believe my eyes, its you!

Yes! its me. You look the same.

Long time huh?

Yes! 5 years.

Yea!! How did you recognized me?

Your voice! how could I forget it. It has made a home inside my heart. So,where is your girlfriend?

He was about to say something Rishi came in-

Hey baby I was looking for you. Oh! hey buddy …how are you?

Gosh! Rishi knew him.

I am good Rishi. How have you been?

I am fine and by the way she is Jasmine, my girlfriend!

Abhay looked at me all surprise or maybe he was shocked.

I know her!

Oh wow! that is strange. How do you know each other?  That is so cool.

Well! Not exactly I know her, I use to know someone like her so I approached her but later I realize its not her . I am really sorry to bump on your girlfriend dude.

Its OK! She is a nice person. She wont mind.

Within that conversation between us I was quite and confused. What is happening? What am I suppose to say? I was very happy to meet him finally but definitely I never imagine to meet him this way ever.

Rishi suddenly got a call from his  home so he went outside to talk leaving me and Abhay behind. That was a time when I thought to clear the air but before I could say anything he burst out-

So, Rishi huh! you finally met your Mr perfect. . Do you remember our last conversation? After that day you never called me up. You know I waited for your call. I blocked you from everything except my phone no. Do you know why because I was waiting for you to say that” Abhay I am coming there to be with you or maybe Abhay come down here to meet me”. I can’t wait to see you. But you never called back ever. I tried calling you but your number was changed, My heart got shattered, my ego was hurt. It was proven that you moved away from me or maybe I was not your priority. There was no one I fell in love with I lied. I lied!! (he almost screamed) to be with you and because of that lie I  lose you. I am happy for you that you actually fell in love with someone who is in front of you. You can see his pain, you can see him being troubled you could see him missing you badly when you are not around.Your decision is correct, be happy ! U looked pretty in your picture but you are far prettier in the reality. I got to see you finally and this is the best part of my life, I have a perfect picture of you now. Goodbye!

He walked out, almost ran off. I was standing there numb and shattered. He was gone. In those years that I thought him to cheat on me and hurt me was actually in so much of love with me.He waited for me but my dignity, my self independence never allowed me to realize that. Sometimes people’s ego can ruin the life” What if I would have called him just once and what if he would have text  me once”. Life could have been different.

All those years which I spend hating him and torturing myself, thinking he was gone! but now when he actually walked out on me I couldn’t stopped him this time I lose him entirely and may be for forever.

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