Au revoir

Sometimes I wonder, if we could see everything in reverse, would we change our mind? If we could only see how it began. Somehow in the tortured corners of our mind, if we saw beyond the hatred, beyond that one mistake, would we really change our mind?

“I have to tell you something”

“Sure honey, what is it?”

“Please promise me you won’t leave me. Please. Please I love you so much baby. I can’t. I can’t stay without you.”

“Okay, you’re scaring me. What, um, What happened?”

“I slept with her.”

There was reverberating silence. I remember clearly, in that pitch black night, the only sound that I clearly remember. It was that silence.

***

“Oh I hate this! I just f**king hate this”, I said.

I have always maintained that long distance never works. I can’t believe that I’m going to go and do the same. Geez, it’s like I have no principles at all!

“Honey, nothing’s going to happen okay? We can do this. We’ll call and skype. And I’ll keep coming to meet you. It’s going to be fine”, he said, almost smiling at my frustration.

“Don’t think I can’t see that smile mister. Don’t make fun of me okay?”, I said sulking into the corner.

“Well, you kind of look funny with all your pouting”, he laughed. I threw a pillow at him and sulked, well, more or less the whole day.

***

We had been fooling around for weeks now. We’d take walks in the evening, around the isolated corners of the town. We’d get our groove on, if you know what I mean. *wink* (Yes you there, thinking, what a child. Sc**w you!)

Anyway, after that, we’d usually go grab a bite. We’d talk about stupid things and laugh at stupid jokes. We were the awkward kind of almost-couple. But some would say, cute, you know? I’d definitely go with cute.

So there we were, eating hot wings when he says, “You know Adi was teasing me yesterday saying how it’s so clear we like each other. And I was like rubbish, I’m getting laid dude. Friends with benefits for the win!”

I coolly looked up from my plate while he picked up another piece to eat. I said looking squarely into his eyes, “But I do like you.”

He looked up with an expression of a child caught stealing chocolate from the fridge and said,

“You want chicken?”

I simply burst out laughing. It was so funny, the way he reacted. You see, I knew him. I knew he was the worst when it came to expressing what he really felt.

Later that night, he dropped me back. And just before I walked up to the gate, he whispered, ”I like you too.”

I laughed as I walked in and he left, sheepishly shaking his head.

About a week later, we started dating.

***

I was drunk out of my mind. The more I tried to sway to the music, the more I thought about him. He was sitting there, just chilling with his friends. What do I do? Aaaaah why can’t he make a move!

Blame it on the alcohol, I told myself.

I went up to him and got everyone up to dance. I thought I was being all smooth. But I reflect upon that night,and I know now that I really wasn’t subtle. At all! Anyway, I started dancing with him. Soon, I was so close, I could feel his heartbeat. I could feel his gaze burning into my back as I turned away from him and danced. Oh god, how I wanted him.

Later, that night, he told me he’d drop me back. By that time, I had gulped down some more alcohol. He took me to an auto and I said, “don’t come in”. He told me I was being ridiculous and made me sit inside.

He was sitting next to me and I kept shouting, “you need to get ooout. Oout of the auto”

“It’s moving! I can’t get out now”, he replied, laughing at my inebriety.

I kept pushing him out and suddenly, we were kissing. I would never know who inititated it. I don’t know how between me pushing him off and him trying to maintain his balance, our lips found each other. When we broke the kiss off the first time, I said

“This is why I told you to get out of the auto”.

He shushed me and we started kissing again till I reached my bloody destination.

***

“Look I’ve seen you moping around. You guys text all the time. You have this weird chemistry. Just tell him, you like him”, Anita said.

Anita, my best friend, has only this much of a threshold for her patience. And I guess I was getting on her nerves!

“Okay. Wait no. No, what if he isn’t into it?”, I asked her. She glared at me as if she was going to stab me with a knife.

“Okay, text him. Wait, I can’t look. I just can’t.”, I told her.

After a while, when she hadn’t said anything, I looked up at her.

“So?”

“I’m so sorry, honey. He says that he is just not ready for a relationship. I’m so sorry. Listen..”, she kept saying something but I kind of just heard that much. I was crushed. I was wondering how I read the signals so wrong. How my instinct could be so off the mark. I was almost sure that he liked me too.

I wandered off in the distance my mind fabricated. Anita was telling me something about how I could move on. I suppose I could. But well, would I be able to get him off my mind?

***

First day. I can do this. This is easy, I told myself.

I looked about the room. I wondered who to talk to. Everyone seemed so new, and so alien.

I spotted this one guy with an afro. Hey, he seems cool, I thought to myself.

“Hi!”, I said smiling. He looked at me and said, “Hi.”

And then he turned away. What a rude a**hole!

Anyway, I went about the day meeting new people and I started easing into the day.

A few days later, the rude afro guy was sitting next to me. He took out his laptop and he had Pink Floyd as his laptop skin. They are just about my favourite band! I told him that, and that’s when he started speaking to me, more than one syllable at a time. Soon we got to texting and we became pretty good friends in a month.

He went back home for a few days and then the day he was supposed to come back, there was this mixer party.

I was roaming around in this dress, with a beer in my hand when he walked up to me. He now had short hair and wore a white shirt and I suddenly thought, man he cleans up nice!

Then I chugged his beer down. He looked at me with surprise saying he didn’t know many girls who liked beer more than other forms of alcohol. I laughed and we danced that night.

I think that’s when our chemistry really started. That night, one month after we met.

***

It’s been five years now, since I’ve known him. Two years since I’ve loved him.

“I slept with her. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry! I was drunk and I didn’t mean to.”

“I just wanted to know how it felt. It was a mistake. It was a moment. I’m so sorry. Please don’t go. Please, I love you. I love you”, I cried.

He stared at me in disbelief. I saw the look in his eyes. They were in shock of my betrayal.

I begged him not to go, as he started to walk away. I tried to hold him back.

I wonder, if I was at his place, would I be able to see it in reverse. If I could have forgiven. Would anyone really change their mind?

And as the images clashed into my head, I saw his footprints leaving the room. Leaving my life.

__END__