You said you did not want a breakup story but I feel like there is no breaking up when there was no relationship. I wish I could say I was the calm one or that we each went our separate ways with no problems. I wish I could say this was a really happy story with a wonderful ending, marriage, butterflies and all. But as they say, all good things must come to an end.
This tale starts at her house in Atchison and everything appeared to be fine. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you, “oh God, I loved her,” but there is nothing past tense about it. I continue to gaze into the mirror and think about how stupid I am to do the things I did. Soon, you will see the things I’ve done, but what is a story without the story? I really want to say this happened years ago, but sadly, this tale happened on August 25th, 2017.
I pulled into her driveway after driving an hour and eighteen minutes.When I pulled up I saw her sitting on her car wearing a t-shirt and jeans, appearing to be slightly wobbly. She was drunk as she usually was when I came around, but that did not bother me much. Regardless of her current state, I loved her just the same. She had just received her training date for the Navy a few weeks prior, so she decided to drink while she could. Her words were already slurring a bit which made me a little nervous. We had plans to go to out and then go see a movie. I was hoping the forty-five minute drive to St. Joseph would sober her up a bit, just so she could order her food without getting asked to take a sobriety test.
The drive to was filled with a plethora of music; rap, hip hop, and pop. She was dancing and I looked over at her, It was in that moment I knew I could never feel the same way for anyone as I did for her. She reached out and grabbed my hand and started yelling out the window, “the lesbians are passing,” which I corrected her to say “the bisexuals.” She responded in a slurred in her voice, “it’s easier to say ‘the lesbians.’” I could not stop smiling the whole time we were together, even though she was intoxicated.
We looked up show times for the movie, only find out that the movie did not start for at least another hour. To pass the time, she suggested that we could go walk around Target. We walked around, holding hands and having a great time, but the dreaded question regarding what our relationship arose. I thought that she was finally ready to be with me, not just talk about it.
“I am not ready for a relationship. I am going into the Navy and I am an alcoholic. I need time to know who I am before I drag someone else into this mess. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and see someone who I want others to love.”
I could literally hear my heart break. A single tear ran down my face as she kept speaking. I turned away so she couldn’t see me cry. “I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for you, I’m scared to.” I responded in a rather ignorant way, “I forgave you for everything you said while drunk. You said that you were drunk and still you don’t want me.” She looked at me and retorted “Yeah, because I was a dick then. I want to be different for you.” All this time I did not fully hear what she was saying, all due to the fact that I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate her because it is easier to be angry, rather than admit that I was hurt.
I wanted to hate her. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to scream and cry, to even exclaim that I never loved her. I couldn’t lie to her. I got up and walked to the car where I became a bigger disappointment than I’ve ever known. Borderline personality disorder, autism, and black-outs do not mix well when it comes to anger and that was exactly what was occurring. I don’t recall most of what happened. but she did so this is her memory instead of mine. I remembered more with each passing day, but I do not think I will ever truly remember everything that happened.
I threw my chocolate milk out of the car and watched the plastic IHOP cup break, the milk pouring all over the warm asphalt. “That’s going to smell in the morning,” she said with a laugh. She smiled and said, “I know you wish that was me.” I told her she was wrong, and then that is when I start to forget. Her memory is all I have now.
Afterwards, I went to the back of my car to get out my green skateboard and I threw it across the parking lot. I began trying to ride it around but I fell and busted my knee. Additionally, I cut the side of my face from hitting the side of my car, but I started to throw it around more. It started to break as I threw it harder at the ground, trying to break something so that it felt like I did. At this point I was coming back to reality. I recall her getting out of the car, telling me to stop because someone would call the police. I just looked at her confused, putting the skateboard back in the trunk.
I went to the back of my car and pulled out my stash of peach tea I had for emergencies. I drank one and poured another one all over the car. Finally, I was pretty calm but she made up a lie, saying that her grandpa stopped breathing so I would take her home. We hugged and got in the car. Earlier that day, she invited me to stay over at her house for the night. Since I didn’t remember most of the details from the last hour, I didn’t think that was going to change.
We got back to the house. She hugged me then took me inside of her home. She put me in her room while she talked to her parents, later returning back to the room in which she had left me. She told me her dad texted her and went in the other room, on to return to tell me her friend tried to kill himself so I could not stay.
I drove home and when I reached the halfway point I got a text. “I don’t love you anymore.” I didn’t.
September 2nd, 2017: I got a call from her while she was drunk saying that she loves me and didn’t mean what she said. I just sat on the phone in silence, not knowing how to forgive someone that tore me apart. As she slurred through her broken sentences, I realized that I didn’t love her anymore. I knew there was more to life than a drunk girl calling, telling me she still had feelings for me when she felt nothing at all. I finally hung up the phone and slept the best I had in a week, knowing I wasn’t the one who had to change.
Since that day I have found out she fell in love with another girl and was pursuing her the whole time we talked about having a relationship. She is planning on marrying that girl and I am left broken from a girl who never had a plan of following through. She told me she used me for fun. I never meant anything to her, but little does she know I am happy anyway. She has threatened to turn me into the police and Navy for writing this paper, but because of the First Amendment there is nothing they can do. I have learned to forgive myself for the mistake I made, but I have not forgiven her for what she has done. I suppose forgiveness comes and anger fades with time, but the forgiveness has yet to come to fruition.