Can We Forget First Love?

My facial expression and my position of how I had seated myself on the couch clearly explained my situation of uttermost boredom to anyone by just taking a glance at me. I was in one of those stupid “get-together” that the neighbouring schools held annually. They say it’s to help us develop our social skills and to know other people more. Well, in my point of view none of this was helping me to be more social and neither had I come across anyone who shared the same view as me. Everyone was so excited like as if Bill Gates was to adopt them. I sighed.

“Would you mind making me understand why we have these ‘socials’ every year?”

I think I almost fell off the couch as those words hit my ears. I turned my head to see the face of the person who was the only human who carried the same sense as me, uh! It was a guy, his school uniform represented that he was from the school which was a mile away. His shoes was unpolished, neat tie, was wearing a half cardigan and before I had the time to observe more he cut me off by asking, “Are you enjoying this?”

I just continued to look at him, I blinked twice, and I was just mesmerized by the thought that his person belonged to the same race as me, considering to the rest of the stupid heads who were scattered all around the hall.

He patiently waited for my reply and I finally spoke, “Do I have to answer that?” I said without changing my expression.

He gave me a quick laugh and said, “Not necessarily.” There was still a tone of laughter that lingered in his answer, I gave out a “tsk!” and raised my eyebrows as I nodded my head and I could not stop noticing that on the left side of his cardigan, just below his school monogram, there was this bright object which was reflecting the lights of the hall as he moved and bore the carving “ELITE OF THE YEAR” I smiled.

We ended up exchanging some sarcastic replies and had a conversation regarding the benefits of these annual get-togethers which we both failed to understand and how also about hoe the rest of the thought of this event and yeah, not to forget, I did tell him about my Bill Gates’ joke.

“By the way, I am Heather,” he extended his hand forward. “Heather Drew.,” he added smilingly. I lost track of time for a few seconds. This was my usual reaction as I did not have the habit of shaking hands with people. Especially male.

I smiled to cover up for those few seconds that I had lost.

“And you?” he asked with a consoling tone, like he could understand my reaction.

“Oh! I am Caroline.” I smiles and extended my hand towards him.

We had a comfortable conversation. I was surprised as we shared the same view at most points, and every time it did, I smiled quietly. The night went on in its own pace after that.

“Well, it’s time to leave.” I smiled again as I said those words, “it was pleasing to meet you.” I added.

“More likely is—“thank you or passing the most dullest day”— ain’t it?” he laughed.

I laughed and replied, “Yeah! That too.”

After that night, I came across Heather on the streets quite often. Sometimes we would meet up when I used to go out to the market relating to some house chores and he would say—“Hey! Getting prepared to hit on those stupid heads with those tomatoes on the next social already?”—“Oh! Ya! Sure. How did you figure that out, elite?” I used to tease him by calling him “Elite” since he was batched as the elite student. He would deny and say that he was not elite and that his school principle had either caught up a disease or someone had manipulated him to batch Heather as the elite student.

We used to email each other sometimes. He had asked my email-ID by saying that he was collecting emails of all the people he knew to send them links of some of his programs he was working on. “Ya, elite, program links huh? Or are you just using his as an excuse to get my ID?” I had teased him. “Dude! Its no big deal and I sure as heck am asking to send links. i need people to see it. You know, advertising? Trying to get lucky and be the next Bill Gates.” He had somehow holded onto that Bill Gates joke of mine and he would mention Bill Gates in any chance he’d get. I had laughed and said- “hahaha…Chill. I know. And anyways you are not banned from messaging me, ok.” So, that’s how we had started emailing.

We had grown quite close. We did not talk a lot but somehow, I used to feel comfortable. Like he understood me. Not to forget, as got to know more about each other, we would keep having coincidence in several things. I would tell, “Hey Elite? Are you my fan or what? You keep copying me.” And he would go with the flow and say, “Oh yes Ma’m. Will you please sign for me here? Name is Heather Drew. I’m a diehard fan of yours.” We both would have a hearty laugh then.

I did talk with others a lot, I was quite social and no, it was not because of the get-together’s we had every year. It was just natural to me. I would meet people here and there and Heather was just one of them. He never failed to make me laugh when we met, most our time would pass with sarcasm.

~

Heather was the heart of many girls. Why wouldn’t he be? He was like, perfect. He was funny, he was charming, he was intelligent, he was a good guy and If a girl looked at him, they would definitely feel, “he is different. He is not like the rest.” I never quite understood thought, if he was interested in these things or not or maybe that thought never crossed me and I did not enquire about it. The atmosphere around us would mostly be light. I would get sober at times but with him around, I had to break a laugh. I was always with sarcasm and he would just follow it right up.

~

Its quite hard to pin point when my mutual friendship managed to climb up a step. Was it in one those moments when I would try to dig more into his love life because I would have been sent out on a secret mission to out about it by one of the girls who had a crush on him and he would say that he had a crush on me, just to put a stop on me for furthering anymore questions because he knew I would find it irritable and drop the investigation there?  Or was it the times when would say I’m so good? The time when we played confession and he said he liked me (which I refused to believe and complain he is not playing fair) was it when I felt the needle of jealousy hit me for few minutes when he shared how he wanted to date that other girl? Frequent meets? His laughter? Jokes? Or was it the first time I shook hands with him as we introduced ourselves in that social?

I was too afraid to admit it. I always dumped this thought when it crossed my mind. Its nothing, is what I said.Music Fest. Big! That was the hot topic of the students that was being discussed in every group you would go.

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To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: MUSIC FEST

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: re+ MUSIC FEST

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To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: re+ MUSIC FEST

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To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: BUSY

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My life turned catastrophic. I did not find any spare time. It was schedule one after another. I was so busy. I was working up to be a doctor, a good one.

Somehow, I managed to get time for the fest. It was a big thing; I did not want to miss it. Heather was coming, that was for sure. The thing that confused me that day was that why was I trying my best clothes. Trying my level best to look good. I felt funny for some reason and I face-palmed myself because I had no idea what was going. Anyways, no matter how stupid I felt I still ended up wearing one of my “special-occasions-only” dress. I face-palmed myself again and set out.

I saw him. Oh! I saw him. He crossed me. Oh my god, he…WAIT…W-H-A-T? What the heck? Caroline, your study-level had ruined your sanity, dude! I focused on my reality again. I was recruiting my friends and was calling them and asking them in which particular spot where we were supposed to meet up and start to enjoy the fest (you know, well, girl walk in ‘groups’, they are of the ‘group’ species.) I was talking on the phone, with my voice at its highest pitch to exceed the loud music (more appropriately I looked like I was yelling at the other person); that was when he passed by. Heather. The crowd was in a chaos and to top that, the loud music so I don’t think he noticed me, but I did. He was walking with his friends, he was walking at the other end of his ‘gang’. He was eating something, which was sticking out of his mouth, my guess is that it was a beef stick.

OK, so don’t think I am one of those crazy stalker, its just that my eyes are REALLY sharp and I tend to observe things at it utmost detail in just few seconds.

I hesitated to call out to him. Why?

“Seriously, everyone here is a dead meat. You have any idea what I went through trying to treasure-hunt you down?” I was pouring my frustrations over my ‘group’.  “How could you all be so inconsiderate…” “Hey, who wants a beef stick?” cried out one of my friends and so that was how my complaints went totally ignored. Oh, well.

~

My hair which was tied up in a pony settled down. I let out a snort. My lips had curled up a bit as I bit my lower. “ok. So you got me. Happy? I’m with my friends, so cut the crap, Heather. I am a girl, I do get embarrassed.”

“I’m serious,” he churned his lip and pouted a bit as he raised his eyebrows and rubbed his hand in his neck and let out a muted “ah…” Obviously he was blushing and was trying to hide it. No?

I raised my one eyebrow. Confused. My heart beat rate increased a little. What is this feeling? Would our friendship be in an awkward state if I rejected? Maybe I should accept his proposal. Oh! Yeah, you heard it right, proposal. I did not know what to do. So many thoughts, so many voices and the loud music. Not romantic at all.

“Ah! I know this song!” was what I said. I am sure everyone around me went, “Seriously?”

I turned around to face my friends and gave them that handle-this-please look. See, this is one of the most particular reasons why girls move in groups. So they don’t get caught up in a situation like this or such. They came for my help and one of them cried out to is group, “Girls’ discussion. Privacy please.”

There were a lot of oohs and ahhs. Before they told me what to do, they had already started with the treats, the teasing and the congratulations. Oh, well.

The girls went up to him and said, “Congratulation!” he faced me and said, “oh my god! You are accepting it.” He sounded so relieved and excited. I laughed.

I had a boyfriend. Crazy.

It was crazy but I was happy at the same time. We had lot of questions to ask each other and one of them was, “When and how did you start liking me?”

He was adorable, a perfect sweetheart who would make me smile and the occasional sweet little words he used to say. Hey! I am not head over heels yet, it’s just that I have the tendency to catch everything in details and well enough, that’s

I got busy with my studies again. He was in my mind. He too had other responsibilities of the school to handle. I was preparing for my very first medical mock test. I had to focus, damn! During the day I was confined in my room and so I had some time to talk to him at night. Here is one confession, its not that I had time during the night, its that I “made”, more accurately, “invented” spare time to talk to him, Crazy.

His voice. Aw man, his voice. They could hypnotize you and take you to seventh heaven. His laughter, tell me what would I not give just to hear him laugh. I was insane and he was even moiré insane to even like me.

I could not resist myself from keeping his contact name to his genuine name and not so some crazy nickname (if a man checks a women’s contact, he will seriously be offended.) When he used to call, and the way the phone screen blinked on and off with his name. Nothing could take away that thrill.

“Hey.” Our conversation normally started this way.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing?”

“mh! Nothing, and you?”

“mhh…not much.”

We would remain silent, both thinking what topic to start next on each end of the connection.

“Do you know…” and simultaneously even I would have spoken out something like, “And today…” Again that silent pause, figuring who should be the one to speak first. One of us would continue and the same cycle repeated over again. Sometimes I would fall asleep on the phone and our conversation would end just like that and the next day I would be saying, “I’m so sorry I fell asleep. Actually I…” this was one the best thing about our relation. We would apologize for the simplest things and I do not know about him but this used to make my heart feel warm, loved, affectionate, happy.

I cracked my mock test. I was so proud to let him know about it because I wanted to impress him. I had to.

To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: hm?

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To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: hmm??

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To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: uhmm…!?!

______

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: -_-

 ______

To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: confused

_______

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: er..?

______

To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: …!

______

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: SURPRISE

_____

To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: HECK

_____

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: SHOCKED?

______

To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: [no subject]

_____

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: UH-HUH

______

To: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

From: HeatherDrew14@

Sub: -_-

_____

To: HeatherDrew14@

From: CarolineGLAMOUR17@

Sub: haha

I could go and hug him that very moment and tell him how much I loved him. Crazy!

     Will this end?

I had got into medical field. Life as a medical student was hectic. Learning this, doing that, I could meet Heather and go out only some time and he too got busy, his programs he had worked on were paying off but we managed to sneak a little from our busy life and make time for each other.

Days passed. Night would go in imaginary thoughts. I was falling for him. Hard! I would give up anything to be with him. I dumped my higher prior things-to-do for him and while I would do nothing, I would pass the time thinking about him. It was easy to drift away. So easy.  The “organized” me had lost its track. I had changed. I had started to believe. It was like I was blind-folded. He was the sun in my eye. I was so lost that I had forgotten the most important thing, someday it will end.

It happened. That “someday” arrived. It came with no invitation, it came with no hesitation, it just came in, like it owned the whole thing.

He had landed a chance in one of the software companies. He had got an internship and so he had to travel, travel far. It was not that far. It was within this round earth only. Somewhere, a bit far from me. Maybe on the other side of the globe but none of this was going to change anything, was it?

His flight was in the morning. He had to leave before 7 in the morning. I was emotional and I could cry and tell him not to go. Ask him if there was no other choice, a better one? I wanted to tie him and handcuff him and say, “You are not going anywhere, Mister.” But those were all in my head. We were still talking through mails, as we both were very busy and by talking through mails we could talk to each other plus we could do our own work.

That day I had woken up super fast. That was unlike me. I called him up on his phone to wake him up too. I was waiting for him to e-mail me, I was waiting for him. I could imagine in what haste he must be right now and had decided its better to chat through mails. My waiting was rewarded. He did come online and he apologized for being late. Oh! I love him. Finally we bade goodbye and I sent him off with a lot of smiley J though my condition was actually L but I could not tell him, could I? Thank the Lord for internet, the person at the other end of the computer will not be able to see the person at this side of the end. Is it a bane or a boon?

My day went like this—he must have reached there—he might be having lunch right now— he is taking his nap— he reached here—he is there—and so on so forth.

Later on, that day, I was given the privilege to help in the Operation Room in the hospital. It was so thrilling. I was still confused as in what field of medical should I be more interested in. I got busy.

My phone battery had died and I had not noticed it. When I did, I kept it on charge and as it got charged and turned my phone, I received a text, there was a missed-call alert too.

The text was from heather. He had changed his number though since he was in a complete different country and area but I figured out it was him because at the end, he had addressed himself.

The text read—

I’m so sorry but I think

     its over between us—Heather.”

 

Those two lines. Just two lines. Was our relationship so thin? Those two lines, as I read it, a cold shiver ran down from my head to toe. All the hair in my body was standing. I stared at it. I could not make out and read it again and again. Everything around me felt silent. My heart beat in a rhythm loud enough to be heard by my ears but the rhythm was unsettling. I was frozen. Completely. My heart-beat rate neither increased nor did it slow down. It just became loud enough to be heard physically. I was numb. My heart was numb. My fingers danced above my phone screen. I inhaled a huge amount of air and exhaled the same volume of air. I was left with nothing. Time continued to tick ahead. Seconds became minutes and minutes passed without my notice.

I hit the “reply” button. What was I a supposed to reply? I was clueless. I wanted to say a lot of things and I wanted to ask a lot of questions. Nothing made sense. I replied—“okayJJJJ” People are so gullible. How can they possibly think I am smiling just because I put a smiley and a smile on my face? It was over.

It was over. All we had was in the past. They were memories. Memories which made my life to what I am now. The best ones, he had given those to me, and it made me cry time and again. He had become my everything and now I was left with nothing. Maybe I was a chapter in his life but he was the author of my life. He was my creator. He was my book. And all of this was over in less than a minute, in two lines, over a text.  Should I laugh or should I cry? Because I have no clue what to do. Was everything to be forgotten? Was I to replay those moments only in my mind? Is it legal to forget something that was once so dear and loved. Can we even forget?

Funny, he always said I would be the one to leave.

Days passed. Night would go sleepless with swollen eyes. With each passing day my heart felt less of a heart which had emotions but it became more a tool to simply pump out blood. The pain grew, it could not be seen nor measured but only felt. It felt more of a stone. Even stone would be better. I was not living anymore, only surviving.

~~~~~~

Maybe everything would have changed if I had wrote my actual feelings instead of “okayJJJJ” Did he feel the same? Did he even care? If I had known that I had the choice to resist, I could have done it but I was so clueless. I had no one. But now, none of it mattered. What mattered was what was to happen next.

~~~~~~

“ohh…My…God..!!” I screamed, “You are kidding me!”

“Nope, I am not. You want it or not?”

“Heck, I want it, man!” and I snatched the papers off his hand and ran down the lobby with the biggest smile on my face.

I am a 27 year old lady. I am still working as a resident and I am a cardiologist who will give up anything for the best heart-affected surgery. I just love hearts. They mesmerize me.

I was just offered a surgery for a heart-tumor patient few minutes back. I am so happy. Its nearly an 8 hour surgery. I am so thrilled. This is the best birthday gift ever. Oh ya! Today is my birthday.

I am studying the reports I snatched earlier. Suddenly, I get the sensation that I am being watched. I raise my head and I see a man looking at me. I raise my one eyebrow clearly indicating the question, “Problem?” he continues to look at me. I ignore.

Okay! I can’t take it anymore. I put my report down and my other files on the table and walk up to that man, “excuse me! Do you have anything of concern? Is anything bothering you?

He smiles.

Bryan, my colleague, joins me and looks at the man and then at me.

“So…?” Bryan breaks the silence.

“Bryan, I think this man has some disorder. Check on him. He has been blankly staring and smiling. I feel like giving him a punch on his face.”

The man hears my comment and arches his eyebrow. Frankly, I don’t care.

“Sir?” Bryan says.

The man gives me that “you-don’t-remember-me?” look. I still don’t care. “Do I know you?” I ask with a tone of impatient.

He does not reply and extends his hand in front to Bryan, “I’m heather. Heather Drew. Sorry for the trouble. I’m here for….” He is babbling away. Who the heck is this man? God! I turn my back and walk away after telling him, “Good day, sir! Nice meeting you.”

~~~~

“Sorry, Sir. Actually, you may have known her before but I am so sorry to tell you that she may not be able to remember you.”

“Why so? Dr. Bryan.”

“I have not been with her lifelong but once I sneaked into her reports when I found one. It seems that she met with an accident quite a long time ago. She lost many parts of her memory. Her best ones too, I guess. Poor her. She survived with a long fight. She is a strong girl. Rumours say she had no will to live but it’s a miracle how she survived. She is a great doctor.”

Heather’s face losses its smile and he looks down.

~~~~

I meet this man again at the gate of our hospital.

He is disturbing me but fate wants us to meet us again.

“Sorry, sir. Do I know you?” I ask with a polite tone and a great smile.

He shakes his head and shakes my hand and replies, “I wish!”

__END__