LLC04: Finally Home

The last remnant of autumn was slowly fading away as leaves turned bright green and the roads became free of littered orange leaves. Tara was sitting near her windows, her fingers tightly wrapped around the paper, yellowed with the passage of time. In the table before her sat a long forgotten cup of hot chocolate, now cold and bitter. Her mind wasn’t in anything but the piece of paper in her hand; she hadn’t realized that it was already half past ten, and that her husband would soon barge inside their small apartment, either exceptionally drunk or maybe very somber and watchful.

It was that piece of paper that made Tara’s particularly dreary days into something worth considering. It was that ‘Love Letter’ which kept her still hopeful after all these days; after enduring days of harsh words and ugly emotional scars from her husband, who was supposed to be her ‘The One’. It was this letter that made her wish that she had someone who loved her like she was their one and only. She knew, now it was too late, since she was already blessed with a life that was so loveless and miserable; but this particular piece of paper made her strive through all that had happened in her life and still had hope; hope, that she knew, would never come true. But sometimes, even if the reality sucked big time, we all need something to hold onto, like this particular piece of paper for Tara.

As she read the love note, she forgot herself inside its words; words so simple, yet profound. It was too beautiful to ever be given to someone it wasn’t meant to be, but she never regretted finding this letter inside the book she had brought from the library. She still sometimes wondered whether these two people had ever gotten together in life, and she wished with all her heart, they were.

~~~

Hola Bestie

I don’t know how to start this letter, but I have to somehow; from the day we have been friends, I had this feeling inside me that said: I want more with you. What did I want? I never realized it for a long time. Now I know. I want that something you are offering to your boyfriend; the thing that makes you think that he’s your destiny; I want that twinkle in your eyes whenever you noted him; that beautiful smile you’d offer to him. I want them and more. I know, you’ve never seen me the way you see him; but I have never seen anyone the way I see you. You are that perfect girl for me, and it hurts me to know that you never felt that way about me and now, it is almost impossible for that to happen, because I’ll no longer be there.

Soon, very soon, I am moving away from this small town that has been suffocating me. It has always been my wish, but, I have something here in this small uninteresting town, now- something that makes me reluctant to move away. It’s not the winter days filled with snow that I like most, nor was it the narrow pathway towards the deserted woods that I love to spend my time. You had never realized that I loved these things, because you were there to whirl around with me in the snow catching the flakes in your tongue, or your fingers were clasped around mine for support as we hiked through the forest. It has always been you, who make things seems so much better than it really is. It has always been you who interested me, who taught me how to love. Now, if I can, I would have fought for you, but fate is too twisted and it has already planned another thing for me: I am going away and it’s too late to declare my undead feelings for you; so very late.

You are the only one who had ever trusted me; when everyone called me a disaster, you thought otherwise. You always use to say ‘Don’t listen to them; there is no one in this town who is as nice as you.’ I don’t know what you saw in me, but after some time, you made me see that thing too. You’re so very beautiful; no I’m not talking about that Caribbean blue eyes, which twinkle in the sun; I’m not talking about those rich caramel locks, which shine along with your smile; I’m talking about your heart, too big and brave; kind and loving. You love everything and everyone and it’s you who made my otherwise empty life worth living. You made me see my worth; the worth that no one had seen before. It is only you who made me the person I am now and I will miss you, forever.

As time passes, you may forget me. But do you know? I can’t ever forget you. You have always asked me about the small tattoo I had on the back of my hand, and I had said that it was some drunken mistake. Honestly, it never was; I knew what I was doing; I knew that I was engraving your name in me, so that whenever I see that, I would remember you with utmost clarity. It was the first step that I had taken on my 16th birthday towards remembering you, till my death. When your childhood best friend stopped talking with you after she became popular, you made me promise to be ‘yours’ always. And I did, and you know, I was and will always be yours, even if you won’t keep me. I will love you and treasure you, forever, if I have that much time.

We’ve so many memories together, and it hurt me to know that I am going away without saying goodbye. But saying goodbye meant that I’m going to never see you again; never going to be the part of your life; and I don’t want to endure that. I don’t want to finalize the reality. I will always love you; because first love is always hard to erase, hard to forget. I will love you always!!!

‘Time is too powerful and fierce,
And it may steal you away,
But it can never steal your memories,
For it’s what made my every day.
Through every path of my life;
Though you’ll be far away,
I promise, I will always be calling to you, silently,
With love.
Please Remember, that I will always remember you.’

-This message is specially

To the girl

Who come and changed my life!
A way to say
I think of you all the time!

~~~

A dull sound made Tara jump from her chair. The letter slipped away from her fingers and she stared at the door with her eyes wide open. It wasn’t like she feared him anymore, but her body’s reaction to him was always involuntary. It was the reminder of the deeply etched pain of rejection from him and his words, which could burn her like an acid.

He walked towards her, his steps slow and calculated. He was handsome; his brandy eyes, his midnight hair, his lean build- yes, he was the perfect definition of male. But in his eyes, there was always a glint, which would make you shrink away from him. It was as if he was firing daggers at you with that single look, and Tara always feared that look more than his words.

“Hello.” He said curtly. Luckily, or maybe, unluckily, he was not drunk today.

Tara’s eyes flitted down towards the paper fretfully and she prayed with all her heart that he wouldn’t see it. She didn’t know how he would react to it; maybe, he would assume that it was written to her and would hurt her further. In their 187 days of marriage, there was never happiness. He was always distant, formal when he was sober and vengeful, cutting when he was inebriated. It was very disturbing to think that he was the same man she had known for years, even before marriage.

Tara knew him from her childhood days and when their parents suggested marriage she was happy that it was with the man that she had already known; in and out. But this man in front of her, standing with his legs wide apart, his arms crossed, wasn’t the boy she knew who had left her town when he was still young. That boy was different- he was refreshing; tender; compassionate. This man was not. Tara would never know what had changed, but something did and now she was paying for it.

“Hi Jase,” she muttered nervously; her voice was so weak that she wondered when did her voice became this frail. She was always an independent girl and she still showed that trait with everyone, but with him, she would become a useless pathetic mess.

His eyes scanned her like she was the last piece of left-over food; he sneered. Then those eyes suddenly found the paper and he stared at it long and hard; then and there she knew, she was doomed.

‘Stupid, stupid.’ She cursed her stupidity inside her mind. She wasn’t sure what would he do, but she was sure it would be something drastic. He took a step towards it and stopped. His eyes latched on hers and he wiggled his eyebrows, as if he was taunting her. He then took the paper and gazed at it thoughtfully.

“A letter?” His plump lips became flat as he read it. She anxiously bit her lips and waited for the outcome. She knew what was coming next: an onslaught of questions followed by bitter hurtful words thrown around carelessly, with intention to cut her apart. It had become silent for minutes; the silence which was so overwhelming and suffocating; before he looked up at her.

“Where did you find this?” It wasn’t the question she had expected. She had expected him to ask ‘who had written this to you?’

“Inside an old book from the library?” she said uncertainly. His face turned rigid and he took another step forward. Instinctively, she took a step backward. He had never harmed her bodily, but she was still afraid that one day or other, he would do so. It was a very baseless fear, but it still made her walk carefully around him, like he was the fragile mirror, which would break with a single miss-step and would cut her severely.

“And you decided to keep it.” It was an accusation. She wanted to ask why he was talking like he knew about this letter, but she dared not.

“I found it when I was 18 inside the book I had loaned from the library, and I- I- want to keep it. It looked too precious to be left inside that book for anyone to shred it apart. I want it to be safe.” Now the words poured out like a stream. His eyes narrowed, but then he closed her eyes as if he was remembering something.

“I-I am going to sleep.” She stuttered. His eyes snapped open and he suddenly looked vulnerable. She had never seen this expression from him; coldness, yes; cruelty, yes; spite, yes; he was never vulnerable, and it broke her to see him like this. She loved him, even after all his endless torture.

“Are you alright?” She asked and he breathed through his nose and asked her to wait. Then he slumped in the sofa and patted it. She sat down in the opposite sofa and his eyes showed that her action had somehow hurt him. But what did he expect?

“I am sorry Tara.” Tara was stunned. ‘Sorry’- she had never expected to hear that word from him. It was a pleasant surprise and a rather big shock.

“W-What?”

“You fear me. You now think I am a monster, didn’t you?” He asked. She sat there frozen. Her lips opened, but it then closed automatically as words failed her. She tried to speak, but what could she do when her teeth teetered and tongue glued to itself to the roof of her mouth?

“You know, I write this.” She gasped. Her eyes were round and perplexed. Her shoulders slumped as if she was defeated and the burn in the back of her eyes announced the forthcoming tears. She knew, he didn’t love her, but the confession of his love for other seared her.

“Who?” She whispered, and only air left; but he heard her. His eyes were intense as he looked at her and he knew, she was trying hard not to cry. Suddenly he hated himself for hurting her.

“Do you think I had had any childhood friends other than you? Do you believe that I had ever hiked along the deserted woods with another girl? Do you think that there was someone else in this town who loved me for who I was? Do you think that this tattoo is for some other girl?” His voice was solemn.

She had forgotten his tattoo after years, but now as she realized it was written by him, she had secenes behind those every words. She had never viewed her eyes as caribbean blue- it was always a boring blue to her; she had never considered her hair as glossy locks- it was always an untangible mess to her. She was surprised that he saw her differently. Through his eyes, she looked beautiful. Now the letter became alive as words changed into images; her final piece of hope wasn’t as hopeless as she thought anymore.

“O” was all she could muster. Her eyes, wide as saucer were focused on his face.

“It’s you, Tara; it’s always been you.” He whispered and looked up at her, his eyes exposed. He was divulging himself to her, at the risk of being rejected. But he couldn’t act like he didn’t care about her, not anymore. Not when the memoir of his love that he had once written had found its intended owner.

He had never planned to post the letter when he wrote it; a coward, he was. It was unaddressed, because he knew if he had ever posted it, she would’ve hated him. So it stayed inside his room. And one day he lost it. Maybe, it was fate that brought it back to her or it was God.

“Then why?” She muttered to herself. He knew what she was asking and he was ready to bare himself to her.

“You remember that day when your mom asked you to marry me? You said ‘I don’t want to marry that prick; he is trouble mom.’ I didn’t know who changed your mind, but I knew you didn’t want me; but I’m selfish and I wanted you. So I agreed to marry but after marriage I was afflicted by guilt. I want you; whenever I see you, I want to kiss you; and then I’d remember you don’t want me; it’s hard for me Tara. So I pretended that I don’t like you and I hurt you. I am sorry.”

“Uh-oh,” she was stunned. She never expected this.

“God, Jase, you don’t know how much I’ve hated you because you’ve deserted me; I had sent you thousand e-mails and I received nothing back; so yes, I was furious at you when you came back like nothing had happened and when my mom asked me to marry you, I went ballistic; but deep down, I was so happy. You know I had had my shares of boyfriends in past, but no one was as close as you and then you upped and left. Do you think that I can forgive you just like that?”

“Stupid me, we should have sit and talked. I’m a fool; God, Tara I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

“Shut up and kiss me. Kiss all those terrible times away.”

And so he did; with all the passion and love that he had buried inside for years. When they pulled apart, he whispered “I love you Bestie.” And hugged her close.

“I Love you too.”

When she was in his arms, she felt that she was safe- finally Home. Finally Home, after a long tiring journey.

………. …………. ………….