LLC03:Forever and Always

I wait outside the coffee shop checking my watch and cursing my mother for putting me through this.

“This is beyond ridiculous! I don’t want to meet some guy who I’ve never seen before and ask him for advice. Can’t I just call him? And UPENN is a great school!Why does mum want him to confirm? Like he’d know about every school in the US. And I hate NRIs. They are too stuck up! And this guy has a PhD. He is going to be a piece of work.”

15 minutes later, I get into my car and start it .

“This guy is not going to show up. On the brighter side, I don’t need to lie my mum saying I had a great time with her college friend’s son. I could just blame him for not showing up.”

My cell phone beeps. New number. I read the message and kill the engine. This is bad.

The message reads, ” Hey! This is Ram.  Don’t panic! :P Got your number from your mom. I will be at the coffee shop in 10 minutes. please bear with me.”

“Arrghhh” I groan, “Idiot” I mutter under my breath and close the car door with a bang.

I fidget with Anika’s charm bracelet. The one she gave for my birthday, three month’s ago. It had 5 charms on it. She said that she had hoped the my life was like this bracelet with all the charms nurturing my life. She can get excruciatingly melodramatic sometimes. One was a peace symbol (which I guess I already had, my life was pretty simple), another was a small silver chord (music was something I couldn’t live with out), then there was a cupcake ( I am a dessertaholic, with cupcakes being my heroin), a suitcase( symbolizing my love for travel. No place was too far for me.) and then a little stone heart ( Love. Ah well. I never believed in it. I almost felt it was misplaced in this adorable bracelet).

I hear foot steps. Brown sneakers come into my vision. I look up. A guy in his late twenties wearing a pair of faded jeans and a crimson colored plaid shirt folded at his elbows is walking towards me. He looked a lot younger for a guy with a PhD. But what really caught my eye and eventually my heart, was that big easy smile he had on his face. It was almost childlike. Innocent and pure! He couldn’t possibly be this Ram guy my mum wanted me to meet.

Before I could gather my senses, I was shaking hands with him. He says hello and I manage to nod.

He talks for the next half an hour or so. I try and be polite. I am too flushed to make any actual conversation. My heart’s racing. My palms are all sweaty. I couldn’t comprehend all this. I never felt like this when I was with any other guy friends of mine. Anika would say some of them were hot even and I was just blind. But, I never saw them as anything more than friends.

I wanted to look at his eyes but couldn’t. I kept looking at the tv screen behind him. I know its rude but I couldn’t concentrate. I then realized I was acting like a dumb girl from one of those rom coms. I start talking to him slowly. After 10 minutes of asking about his life and telling him about mine, I get up and say I have to go. He smiles and asks if I’d have lunch with him tomorrow. I say I have other plans.

One thing keeps pestering my back of my head while driving back home, “Why did I lie?”. I went to lunches before with friends who were guys . Why was this guy different? ” Did I lie because I never wanted to meet him right from the start” or “Did I lie because…” I let the thought hanging. I couldn’t finish the sentence even in my mind.

“So, what did he say? He’s a nice guy Ram. His mum is so proud of him. Did you ask about all your doubts? Did he say UPENN is a good school? What else did you guys talk about?”

I just look at her blankly. She laughs and asks again, ” How was Ram? You know that stupid NRI you didn’t want to meet?”

What came after that from my mouth was most surprising, ” He’s tall. He smiles. A lot. ”

After a about half a minute I realize what I’ve said and go to my room before anymore damage is done.

I become restless. I almost wanted to text him saying I was indeed free. But, what would he think. This is what bothered me. That I cared so much about some guy I barely knew. I wanted him to think highly of me. Something I never wanted before. Suddenly, I wanted to be a better person.

After about what seemed like two almost interminable days, I walk up the stairs of Saaya. Saaya was an NGO I volunteered at, every evening and on the weekends. Rakesh bhai greets me midway saying that we have a new volunteer. I smile and say that’s good news. He really is something he says.

“Nisha”, I stop talking to Rakesh bhai right when I hear my name. That voice… It can’t be. Maybe I am just hallucinating. But, then hope surged through me. Maybe, Just maybe…

I look up.I see his face. The big smile and those childlike playful eyes.

I try hard not to look too pleased. I settle for surprise instead. Rakesh bhai introduces me to him. He says that we are friends already. “Friends” , I smiled in my head. He called me a friend. I pushed that thought away and went up the stairs to help him with some boxes.

What followed after that second meeting, was probably the most beautiful three months of my life. I would meet him every evening after college and on the weekends. We talked about nothing and everything. I texted him all day and till I fell asleep. Somehow 24 hours were never enough. I had this weird urge to know every little thing about him. I realized Ram wasn’t the stereotypical NRI I thought he was. He loved India. He loved being back. He left a highly paying job to be with his mum and he genuinely wanted to help people. He truly believed that no one was bad as such. He believed in progress. Saaya was so much more fun with him. The kids loved him. He had this air about him that made everyone at ease instantly.

There was a fun side to him. He loved to joke and pull other’s legs. Archish , one of my closest friends was the victim of most of his practical jokes. He was an adrenaline junkie. He loved to travel. When I showed him my scrapbook with pictures of places I’ve been to , he smiled widely saying we are peas in a pod. We made our own lists of our dream places and laughed about who’d sponsor the trips.

But, the thing that had caught my heart the most was his honesty. He was really honest about everything. Even the little things. About the past relationships he had. I admired this. I respected him for it. With the same honesty, he tells me he is about a decade older than me. I was too reluctant to believe this. He looked just a few years older. I ask my mum if this was true . She laughs and says, “Why yes, his mom wants him to get married. They are looking for a good match.” I must admit that this did worry me for a couple of hours. Well, until I saw him smile his wide toothed grin when we met again.

Memories are tricky. Some fade too quickly. Some stay with us forever. That day was etched within my brain. It was two days before I left to Pennsylvania for my post graduation.

The beach looked deserted that day. I parked my car and start walking towards him. He waves and smiles. I sit beside him and words seem to flow endlessly. That was how it was with Ram always. So effortless.However, my heart raced each time I saw him. In a good way. It fluttered and danced! A smile always played on my lips when he was around.

“So, you’re leaving. You will be missed you know” he says. That’s when it hits me. I won’t be seeing him. Probably for a year or two. I was too happy, too occupied with all this that I forgot what was about to happen.

I look at him. I think he reads my expression. We both don’t talk for a long time. My mind reels with all those days which we used to hang out and talk for hours. It can’t be. This can’t be happening.

He then says those words, ” I think we both know whats going on here. I feel the same but I am too old for you, Nisha. You have a long life ahead of you.  We both know we don’t have a future. ”

I feel sick. I don’t know how to describe how I felt at that moment. I was happy for about a millisecond because he said he felt the same. This knowledge was surprising. I always thought I wasn’t good enough. But that happiness didn’t stay for long. The other words he had said hurt way too much. We couldn’t be together. He think he isn’t good enough. I could feel the sadness welling over me. But, the wall that I’ve built so defensively for years instantly came up.

” I never thought of you that way.” I say angrily. ” I am not a kid. I am 21. I know better than to fall for you”.

I regretted those words as soon as they came out of my mouth. I expected a backlash. He just smiled patiently and said ” So what time is your flight?”

I answer. We keep our conversation safely at casual everyday stuff. We walk separate ways and it rains. Probably the biggest rainfall of that year.

 

1 year later.

I am walking around Pier 39 aimlessly. San Francisco has been just as he had told me. He loved this city. I now work as a summer intern at a firm in Foster city. I make it a point to visit SFO every weekend. Anika thinks its a bad idea.

“Dude, you need to get over him. ” she says.How much can you possibly fall in love with a person in three months? ”  she asks.

That is something I can’t answer myself. I didn’t understand love. All I knew was that I changed as a person after meeting Ram. I laughed a little more, I trusted people a little more and I dreamed a little more.  And probably even cried and wallowed in guilt a lot more too. The past year has been hard. I missed him more than anyone back home. I was constantly reminded of him. His smile haunted me. There were countless days that I cried myself to sleep and rushed in the morning to class with puffy eyes. John, my friend used to joke that I drink too much. Some days(and I am not proud of these days), I felt it might be better if I actually did take up drinking. Maybe I will forget him then, I thought. But, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to forget him. One of the reasons I end up visiting SFO way too often. I hear him talking to me whenever I am here. It was almost like he was my personal voiceover guy. I laugh at this thought and make a decision.

I finally open the email he wrote me three days back. I heard the news already from my mom. I guessed the contents of the email already.

The email read, ” My closest buddy, I would like to invite you to my wedding … ” I closed the window instantly. The rest didn’t matter. He was getting married. I was mad for a few minutes over the purpose of the email. He knew I couldn’t make it. So, what was the point of inviting me. Did he think he had a duty to invite me? Did he still remember those days? Or Did he know? Did he know that I was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him? Then why did he not react when I denied it? ”

I guess I knew the answer. Ram was a great guy. He was considerate of people’s feelings. He would never hurt anyone. I tried to stop the surge of tears that came after that. I failed.

A month later.

Mum sends me some pictures of his wedding. I try and stay calm. I open these pictures in my office computer. This was a safety measure. I wouldn’t cry at work .

I see the pictures over and over again. I cannot quite explain what I felt during that time. I just look at his smile. The creases around his eyes when he smiles. He is happy. I smile almost involuntarily. Ram is married. He is happy.

I realize I have to talk to him. I walk to a table in the cafeteria with my lunch in one hand and my mobile in the other. Salad again. Ram would’ve laughed had he seen me eating this. He often used to joke about how I eat the most unhealthy food. I call him up. I haven’t talked to him in a year but I still have his number in the back of my memory.

“Hello?” He says.

I say a quiet hey. He recognizes my voice and pauses for a second. I congratulate him. He thanks me and says the wedding went well. We talk for a while about everything.

He then says, ” You never took my calls after you went back. Too busy huh NRI?”

I laugh. I laugh at the subtle mockery. I used to call him an NRI all the time.

“You know how it is” I brush it off. I never took his calls because I was too weak. I was afraid I might break down.

We then talk like old times. Making fun, laughing at inside jokes and complaining about the politics in India.

Somewhere down that conversation he says, ” You know I missed having you at the wedding. You moved away. Doesn’t mean you need to forget all of us. You are still a big part of our lives you know. I miss talking to my closest buddy, dude. ” This was the problem with Ram. He gives the truth. All of it. Without caring to adorn it with small white lies.

I start crying. I knew I was talking to someone else’s husband at that moment. But, I couldn’t stop. I cry for a good 15 minutes.

He stays on the line patiently. After I ask if he’s still on the line, he starts talking.

” I am here man. I am here for you. I am not going to pretend as if I know what you are going through. I might not know. But I am here. I will help you to fight it man. You are an amazing girl, Nisha. I am so proud of you, you know. I keep telling people about how I have a friend at UPENN. You are famous dude. ”

I then realize that he knows. He knows that I love him and I am not over him. He lied for my benefit. He lied because I was to adamant to admit it in the first place. He lied to save me from the guilt and uneasy conversations.

 

7 years later.

Its been raining in torrents in Guwahati for the past 48 hours. The vehicle I have been travelling in for the past half an hour comes to a halt at a bungalow. It has my name on it with my designation below it. The past seven years have been a blur. Productive nevertheless. I ended up in my dream job working for the common people. All those sleepless nights and months of preparation for civil services have paid off. My dream of starting an NGO,”Khushiyan” has worked out too. I count my blessings everyday. Mostly I thank a chance meeting with a guy a few years back.

I enter the house to find Abhi sketching something in the balcony. He looks up and gives me that smile. It almost reminds me of Ram. They had similar smiles. Well, almost. Innocent and pure smiles that were infectious. I knew the instant I saw Abhiram, that I would adopt him. He’s been with me for a year now. A beautiful one year.

My son walks upto me and shows me the drawing. I see a rather crooked but cute depiction of what I believe is my charm bracelet. He loves playing with my bracelet and its charms.  I’ve been chided good-naturedly quite a lot of times by my senior officers over wearing that bracelet that looked quite kiddish around my wrist. But, Anika was right, my life was like the charm bracelet. It had everything. I look at my bracelet and smile happily. Beside the heart charm, there is a tiny smiley charm that Ram has given me.

This was 8 years back. One evening, when we were working at Saaya he said he had a surprise for me.I still remember his excitement when I was putting the charm on my bracelet. ” Happiness is the key, Nisha. Without this, everything else falls apart” He said. ” I wish you loads and loads of smiles dude” He added.

I carry Abhi in my arms and sit in front of the computer. He was still playing with my bracelet. He leaps from my lap and rushes out when Iqbal calls his name. He turns back and says a quick  “bubye amma” before he vanishes out of sight.

I open my gmail account and check my mails. After replying to a few, I check the drafts. Now, this has become a habit. There is only one email in the drafts, addressed to Ram. I have never found the courage to send it to him. I read it again. For umpteenth time.

It is dated a year back. The day I bought Abhiram home.

Dear Ram,

I really don’t know where to start. Or how to start. Time seemed to fly every time you were with me. Words seemed to flow effortlessly around you. But, I still don’t know why I feel I didn’t have time to say all that I wanted to. I don’t know if it was fear of rejection or just the poor image of myself I had in my head that stopped me from telling you the truth. I have loved you Ram right from the moment I say you. Now, I know I’ve told you I didn’t believe in love at first sight a million times during those few months.

But, you had me from the moment I saw you. I couldn’t sleep that night after we met. I was too happy. It was always like that with you Ram. You took my breath away. I made excuses to be with you. I drove at insane speeds in traffic just to be with you. (I am not really proud about the last sentence.) I loved to see your smile. And thankfully, you wore it too often.

I lied to you when I said I had no feelings for you. I did. I always did. The thought of us not having a future had hit me hard. Very hard. I disguised it under anger . I should have said that I loved you anyway. I’ve had a pretty good life thanks to you. But, this has been my sole regret. That I didn’t at that moment say that I loved you. Those initial days away from you at UPENN have been the most toughest days of my life. I wanted to call you up and say I loved you and I didn’t care if we didn’t have a future together. But I knew it did matter to you. I never had the courage to take your calls during that time. I was too fragile. I couldn’t burden you with my feelings. I was hurt when I heard of your wedding. I guess I knew when I left the country only that this would happen. But I was in denial.

Remember the day I finally called you  and cried over the phone? Mum sent me your wedding pictures that day. That was all it took Ram. Your face.  Your smile. To call you back. That call has changed the course of my life. That day I realized a few things. That you would always be my friend. That I had those wonderful memories with me forever. That the hope, the kindness, the passion that your love has left me with will never fade. And above all, that you knew. You knew I loved you. But you lied for my benefit. This has only made me love you more.

Over the years we’ve remained great friends. I love your wife like a sister. I wish you both, all the happiness in the world. I know it makes you sad that I’ve never married or at least dated anyone. I know I change the topic every time you ask. But, the truth is I never found love again. I guess true love never fades. I never could get over you. I probably never will. You changed me Ram. I don’t think that can happen again to me. I treasure every moment I spent with you. I am not unhappy Ram. If it weren’t for you, my life would be normal. But now, it has a purpose. It has beauty. Remember how happy you were when the results were out? That was a far greater achievement for me than getting qualified. That smile on your face. Those creases around your eyes. I love those.

I know most people would call this sacrifice. But I don’t think it is. I am happy this way. I see you in my success. I see you in the kids at “Khushiyaan”. I see you in Abhi, Ram. He has brought much more happiness to me. He loves playing with the charm you gave. Remember the smiley you gave me? I think its a metaphor. You both have brought immense happiness into my life. I could go on like this forever. This would never end. But, I think today I am going to tell you the truth. I should have 8 years back, when it mattered. You know this already but you deserve it from my mouth. I LOVE YOU RAM. I ALWAYS HAVE. I ALWAYS WILL. YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME. THE FACT THAT WE AREN’T TOGETHER DOESN’T CHANGE ANYTHING. YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

Nisha.

I almost click send and then quickly change my mind. I send him Abhi’s pictures instead.

__END__