LLC03: Frozen Memories

There was an overwhelming calmness in the air, quiet as a dumb man; it was that calm before the storm.

Almost instantly, wind disrupted the quiet surrounding with a brutal force; breaking the noiseless atmosphere with an agonizing cry- chasing sand and debris around in a wild dance.

It was getting close to spring; the season of new-hope, warmth and joy. The season of flowers, fragrance and love; but all Sophia Wallace felt was a deep rooted sorrow and an unending pain; the pain of losing someone close.

Sophie’s hand was shaking as she read the letter for fifth time that day. The letter carried with them memories; some golden and wonderous; and some gloomy and breaking.

Sophie was now a teacher; she had a boyfriend who loved his lap-top more than her. Sophie had a house to stay; a permenant relationship she once wished for; a life that was not risky and adventerous.

Yet, Sophie’s life wasn’t perfect, as she’d once believed. Her life was far from that.

That one mistake she did had turned her life about 180`. One mistake of letting his love go; letting him go.

After reading the letter, she had realized the love she wanted wasn’t what Allan Miller was offering. She didn’t want consistency; she wanted more; she wanted what she had willingly given up, back.

Her lips were trembling, so was her whole body, as she sobbed and chuckled with watery smile. He could make her cry and smile at the same time; he was always that way.

He was rude; his words flowed with a blatant sarcasm, that everyone found him irritating, but Sophie always thought him as funny. He could make her laugh, but in the end she made him cry.

It had been months since the letter; a year to be exact and with it came heartbreaks and pain, but to Sophie, the letter wasn’t a curse, it was the gift of lost love; the last sovenier, memoir of his love; the love that she’d once thought as pointless.

This was the only reminder she had of him; before he had vanished from her life, leave a permenant dent in her heart.

+++

1st September 2012

Sophia,

I want to dump my emotions in the paper, creating a carving of love, that is timeless, like my memories with you; I’ve too much to say, too little words.

But I’m no poet with extensive knowledge in words and I’m extremely emotionless to the point that some calls me dead.

It seems so blunt to start a letter with your name, but your name has a way of making me feel turmoil of emotions surging through my every living cell; making me feel alive. Also, I can’t call you honey or ‘my’ princess anymore, since you don’t belong with me.

It has been months since we ruined the strong connection we felt(or was it just me?). You were my new chapter, my new beginning. You were supposed to be my happily ever after; my soul-mate; my only true happiness. And my dreams were now going to be just that; dreams!

Some said guys like me don’t have feelings or even a heart (I’m no stone-cold vampire in those fantasy novels you read!). They’re so wrong. I felt every damn sentiment, like you all do. It’s those emotions, which make me unable to move on, to let you go. It’s that damn heart (little traitor), which forbids me from looking at any other girl, because they just aren’t You.

What were we once? Just some young couple trying to find something worth holding on; while I find that incredible person for me in ‘you’, you failed to find yours in ‘me’. It was sad, but what can I say; Life is a surprise gift and we always don’t get what we want (When did I become that Shakespeare guy?).

I see, now you’re content with him; you said you two are ‘Meant to be.’ I’m glad; at least one of us will have a happy ending after what we went through. A terrible break-up, that is.

I pray with all my heart that he makes you happy; that he loves you the way you deserved to be loved (that is if God accepts prayer from someone like me).

Sophia, you need only the best, and I wish that he’s your ‘The Best’ (though the satanic side in me is whispering otherwise). He’d be your happiness and you’d be his- maybe you two are destined to be.

Then who am I? Why was I in the middle of your tale? Did God want to punish me for my sins with love? Why did he send you my way, just to tear you away? I don’t know; but I can’t bear this rippling emotions that is swallowing me wholly.

Yesterday when Jamison taunted me, I just stepped back; though I wanted to break his nose and enjoy seeing his white shirt turn red, I don’t have the will power anymore. Now I’m vulnerable and exposed; extremely pathetic, without you.

I still remeber the day I met you, two years ago; like it’d happened today.

It was a sunny day; rays of the sun were making everything bright and cheerful. Whistling, small humming could be heard in the air. Except me; I was my same brooding self.

As I walked moodily into the restaurant, cursing the sun, my eyes immediately caught yours; it was like an unseen force that made me look up at you. An angel in disguise, you’re.

Your lips were curled in a contented grin; your eyes, like the golden rays of sun, penentrated through me, in a silent venture. Then you nodded. It made my heart stutter and stop. It was in that moment I lost my heart to you; with no point of return.

I never knew what changed in me that day, but I fell for you; after denying the love I felt for so long, I finally accepted it as my destiny. It was that warm day, which bestowed you to me. And hence, I’d always love the summer.

I also remember that day you killed my remaining shreds of hope; the day was freezing cold. The dark omnious cloud hung above, soothsaying about the on coming rain. The chilly wind was vengeful; avenging.

You talked above the wind, your voice a melody, shattering my hopes and dreams; the hope for a picket-fenced house; a small garden with flowers and a happy family full of smile and joy.

Now I’m back to square-one; alone, with no one to support. This vacant space in my heart was like a big black hole, sucking me out of my happiness slowly, cruelly, like a blood-thirsty vampire.

‘Joshua, I think you don’t want to be tied down by a girl; guys like you’re not stable; you’re not suitable for a relationship. We can’t be together anymore. We’ll one day mess this up, so we have to move on before it’s too late.’ You’d said, biting on your lips nervously.

Your petite frame was caccooned by a thick sweater. Your brunette locks were performing a waltz with air.

‘But it’s already too late for me.’ I wanted to shout, but then I looked into your honey colored eyes and chose to be quiet.

‘I met this wonderful guy; he’s everything a girl wants. He is intelligent, smart and a gentle-man.’ Unlike you, I heard the implicit word with a deafening clarity.

Your eyes were staring at me as though you expected me to jump you. It was in that moment I decided to let you go; to say good-bye forever. Though it hurt me to do so.

After two years in my company, and you still believed I’d one day harm you physically? I may have anger issues; hell, I may not even be sane. But I’d never hurt you; yet you seemed to think otherwise. In that split second, I hated me for making you scared of me.

What did I ever do to make you terrified of me? Had I ever given you a reason to fear me? If I did, I’m really sorry. It wasn’t intentional. I’m not good with saying what I feel, but I loved you. (At the risk of sounding girly), I still love you.

I’m not smart and intelligent; I’d never be (I’d rather pluck my hair out, one by one than be a smarty-pants, who spends every moment before computer) but is that what you want?

Don’t you want someone who can worship you more than a lap-top? Don’t you want a person who forgets himself in you than someone who forgets you when he’s immersed in a book? Maybe you don’t.

You may think what’s the real reason behind this letter? It’s not to beg you to accept me back, but just to clear the deep rooted bitterness you’d towards me. Even if you don’t like me anymore, I don’t want you to hate me.

I promise to you, I was never unfaithful. I was loyal to a fault that sometimes my big bad-boy persona would crumble to the ground in front of my friends when they tease me about how I’m ‘whipped’ completely. I never felt ashamed though; when they chased behind girls for fun, I was content to stay with you; just you, always.

This letter wasn’t written to prove that I’m a good person; actually, I’m far from that. I’m not ashamed though. I’m who I am, and I can’t change it.

I love to fight; cracking bones; I welcome trouble with arms open. I’d familiarized with cops that we’re in first name basis; I frequented prison. I skip my anger-management classes, along with most of the lectures; I bad-mouth teachers; I irritate most of the students and I’m a trouble in disguise.

I do agree, but it didn’t make me a faithless person; like you think. It didn’t make me an unstable guy for relationships? Did it?

Jack Lenin is a jock; a nice-person and he’s all smiles. Yet how many girls did he hurt by his player ways? Jack is nice, I’m not. Jack plays girls’ heart like a damn piano and I can’t even play a piano for my life. So, do you understand what I’m coming to say?

My dark character, my shady life, my lone nature didn’t define my relationship with you. I’m a bad guy, but I wasn’t a bad boyfriend. I loved you in a way that makes me forget to eat; when I was thinking of you and it’s still the same.

I didn’t even think for a minute that I wanted to be with someone else, when I was with you; even now when I’m no more yours.

It’s slowly killing me, the pain of knowing that I can’t kiss you anymore; can’t look into your eyes; can hold your hands possessively. What can I do though? I’m trying to move on, but it’s so hard for me.

Now, you may think I’m lying. Please don’t. Whatever you may think, I hate lying; liars. That’s why I get in trouble most of the times.

Like when Mrs. Darnell asked, what I was thinking in my mind, I said out loud that I was thinking that she should be banned from edification, because she’s an ignorant bug.
Like when Mr. Toffler asked me why I was late to class and I said I was caught up with pancakes and they seemed more interesting than listening to his raucous voice uttering atrociois facts.

That’s what I’m talking about. I hate LYING. Period.

So? Believe me. I loved you with all my heart and I never lied to you about anything. And I will love you forever; if I’m alive, that is.

Good Bye.

Joshua Mitchell.

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Sophie missed him; missed everything with him, but now all she had was his memories in the form of a letter.

Exactly at three in that evening, when Sophie was slumbering with tears down her cheeks, a flash news in the local channel read,

‘Joshua Mitchell, dead in the car-crash.’

The news was broadcasted in the other end of the US, the side that Sophie would/could never come in contact to.

Sophie’d never realize that Josh’s letter wasn’t just a confession of his faithful behavior, but an admittance of his failure and pain, without her.

She’d never know that behind the mask of arrogance and malevolence, hid a lost-soul, yearning for love and friendship; for happiness and a little smile.

She’d never know at the end of his fights and struggles to forget her and move past, he fell prey to alcohol and his inner demons; which leads to his demise.

She’d never learn about his true, timeless love; and she’d never have the chance to realize that she was his fresh beginning and his ultimate end.

The most wonderful literature had love stories ended in death and Josh, the villian, according to most, had one such tale, that no one would listen or think twice about.

He was now dead and buried under, his memories frozen inside his bloods and his non-beating heart.

__END__