Heather could never forget what she had done to Nomi. He gave her a second chance at life. A second chance with him.
She carefully observed the patterns on the leaves as they fell to the ground. Her body was perched on the highest branch of the tree, in her backyard. She remembered doing this with him. It was a routine. He was a habit. A part of her.
She knew he deserved better. She wanted to tell him: nobody ever told me how to deal with things like this. Shouldn’t letting go be painless if you’ve never learned how to hold on?
And she was going to stay. She stayed on the swing as he walked away. She was going to stay silent as he gets in his car. She heard the car start, then drive away. She stayed silent. She was going to stay in the wrong, because she did not know how to get through the thicket of her own mind in order to reach whatever it was that she was supposed to do. She was going to stay the same,and same,and the same,until she died of it.
Minutes had to pass before she could admit that, yes , even though she told herself that she’s feeling nothing, it was a lie. She wanted to say that she was feeling remorse or regret or even guilt. But none of those words seemed enough. What she was feeling was a shame. Raw, loathing shame. She didn’t want to be the person she was. She didn’t want to be the person who did what she did.
It was not even about Nomi,maybe.
She was awful.
She was heartless.
She was scared that these things were actually true.
He became a memory.The memory grew like a fruit in season.Every season.
She ran back to her house.She started to sob-she was not even thinking about it,but her body was falling to pieces. Her head is shaking so much that she dropped the keys before she finally got them in the door. The house was empty. She was empty. She tried to eat. She tried to crawl into bed. Nothing worked. She did feel things. She felt everything.
–END–
