Your life must have seemed like a combination platter of paradoxes to you sometimes and so to be relatable I’d like to put forward mine .
My head faced the classboard like it had all these years but my mind wandered somewhere in those back benches behind me and my ears were open to all yet one voice seemed much clear than the others asking for somebody to pass him a pen . I didn’t know what would I answer the teacher if she asked me why was I smiling , would she know the feeling of breathing around in the same air as him ?
Midst all these ironies my eyes however felt consistent . They saw the same face wide awake or shut open , in the same portrait mode they have ever since .
The class got over and so did these paradoxes but something definitely took a start. Like some odd love stories I play a one sided lover in mine .
Didn’t know specifically why , because unlike those odd stories he was neither the captain at the sports section nor too good at his dressing . Rather he was one shabby leader at the bank benches with ugly scores , oversized uniform and rarely funny puns . The one guy that asked the teacher questions out of the context to make a bunch feel proud of how entertaining there leader was !
Maybe the imperfections said “I’m-perfect” itself and all those trait made him a fairly wide choice .
I remember those rare times when I was involved to play in our free periods , the famous game of “truths and dares” not because I offered to play but because on asking to choose a guy as their favourite every girl took his name , I wanted to take that too but they never asked me to choose amongst guys . They never ask to choose in the same category ! It wasn’t against the rules of the game though however against the rules in my society . Just to be a part of the game , to be more around my reason to play I had to choose amongst a variety of excited girls who used to text me a variety of “Hey” texts on a variety of social media . I hate variety thereafter .
This game didn’t however feel like the correct way to interact but I was neither in the benches at the back nor could I pretend to be and soo my ways felt harder . Meanwhile I had a bigger problem than reaching him , it was the purpose of being of reaching . The answer was definitely not a confession . Maybe I just wanted to breathe more of the air around him and be more smiley through the days left until our school life finally got over .
Another question that came with this realisation was Who was I supposed to be smiley for thereafter ?
I friend in need has been termed a friend indeed often and so I walked up to a casual friend who told me about him have a crush on this girl at school and asked him what was he going to do with her not around , “Adjust with the new ones around probably” – he replied . His feelings didn’t seem as true as his practicality in life .
“Guys look for girls that are understanding , and the girls of with this trait are definitely less but more than the number one “ he added .
“You probably didn’t mention guys to be understanding because thats something common , right ?” I reconfirmed but I could hear him laugh rather respond with a sentence leaving me in a doubt weather guy relations were any less complicated .
Ours schools soon got over and the gap of twenty days after exaggeration felt perfect to text old an old acquaintance and so I did drop a text saying ‘Hi’ , sounding completely anti-desperate to talk in anticipation for a reply . Though it got a quick importance of been looked over , it lost it as quick when there seemed no reply until a week .
A wise man would have switched to doing something more productive but I neither of the two descriptives and soo I sent a few random texts to seek some respond apart from attention . The text flooding started from “Are you busy ?” and went as swallow as “Could you teach me those I-card tricks sometime?” ! None of it worked and I did want to turn wise for a moment not sure if it would be a man .
Finally the gap extended to two months and a faith dawned upon me when I was gonna turn a year older and wiser maybe . My notifications showed up his name with a message that gave me butterflies that the girls at school used to talk about , it said “typing….” ! My mind had a rush of things that he could possibly text and that it could include a sorrow for his ignorance all these months and that it was a prank to make me feel more special this birthday but the text that came was not just short but didn’t even showed up one sign of remorse . It was a simple “Happy birthday . GBU” .
Neither any emoji nor any key to abbreviations , yet I wanted to talk further so I asked him why wouldn’t he text me back all this time and added a “TY” without any emoji too because I knew these slangs too ! He said he didn’t prefer social media at all . Everything felt similar and secured at once because I used it for him and he didn’t use it for other friends that included girls respectively . I asked him if he’d prefer calls but this time he let him discover another trait of him – SARCASM ! He asked me if I were a girl , in declination I replied “I am not a wise man for sure !” for some reason . He didn’t reply thereafter .
My day went a little low in anticipation again . Even my birthday wish mentioned a textback , I told god that his reply would be my birthday gift this year and I did receive it later that night giving him the benefit of doubt .
He texted back a “LOL” adding “you need to control your gay feelings , brother “ , neither of the words took my attention as much as the word ‘gay’ did ! It wasn’t something I wasnt familiar to , but sounded different when it came from a voice other than mine . It was indeed the gift I asked god for , the gift of self-realisation .
I’m not hideous about it anymore rather I make jokes about my kids have a pair of twin dads and me reciting to them how I met him .