If only I could name it…….

It was almost eight years ago when I had left him a note saying goodbye. He had no clue that I was going away, far away. These eight years passed by quickly though. I moved to a new country and I was busy looking for a job, actually I was busy settling down. During these eight years he came to my mind many times almost every day. I tried to find him on facebook and was successful too but when I sent him a request, he declined. His response was pretty obvious.

I had never gone to India since the time I had moved out but after a long time I did. After all these years, for the first time in eight years I was going to visit my home town. Boarding was about to start, Mom and dad were having coffee and I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking about my town, its people, place where I had spent 32 years of my life and most of all I didn’t know why but I was thinking about him.

The first time I had seen him, he was standing in the park, talking to somebody over his cell phone. I kept staring at him for a moment. He was good looking, good built and a tall guy.

I passed by and commented, “Why people come to the parks if they don’t have to walk or something, they can talk over the phones at home.”

I smiled at myself and continued walking. I might have took almost ten steps further and he came by my side and said in his heavy but soothing voice, “You are right, I should do what this place is meant to do.”

I smiled again and he said, “So do you work as an Eye Opener in this park?”

We laughed and walked together for next ten minutes and he left after that.

Next morning I saw him again in the park, this time he waved me and started walking towards me. So when he came close to me I asked, “Where is the phone today?”

He laughed and said, “No phones in the park, I am taking you very seriously in my life.”

I laughed and we walked for about half hour and he left making sure that we meet next morning again.

He had recently moved in my town and worked as an Area Manager for some insurance company. His office was a five story building and mine was a small publication house adjacent to it.  Our paths usually crossed many times a day and every time we saw each other we used to talk for at least ten minutes. After almost a week of those conversations in bits and pieces we progressed to one hour lunch breaks together. We were talking about anything and everything but we had surely come very close to each other and wouldn’t have at least our lunch without each other. I had forgotten all my friends and was losing contact with them because of him, he used to text me, call me or meet me whenever possible during the day. We didn’t realize when the meetings were converted into a relationship.

He had always loved my surprises and unpredictability. I would surprise him with one or the other thing every day. Sometimes I would call him and tell him to come outside his office building and order him to sit in my car and would drive him far. He used to laugh and call me a kidnapper. He always said that I act younger than my age; I was thirty two when we had met and he was twenty five, seven years younger to me and I felt like twenty when I was with him. I guess I was myself in his company. I have always had friends, rather, lots of friends but I had never given so much time to one person and he used to cherish every minute I spent with him. We were close, lost in each other. I used to leave notes in his room. I liked writing on a piece of paper than texting and he loved it. He knew how to pamper me, he never used to read those notes in my presence but read them to me over the phone at night.

“I am hung-over…….hung-over of you…..let me be in it till I’m……

People crib about winters, the cold winds and here I am…… feeling those winds feeling on my face, no matter how cold it is, I can feel the warmth of you…..still hung-over of the feel of you….

I ignore almost everything around me I want to be lost like a two months old…..in games of you…..just the feeling of you….ask myself if I am abnormal and my heart says even if I am, I like the passion, the involvement of my every nerve and my senses lost in you…..

It makes me delighted to be hung-over of you……

I try to focus in the real world but no matter what, you distract me so……I decide to live in the world you created for me and I’ll drink every sip of the thoughts revolved around you……

Yes I am hung-over and let me be in it till I am…………”

Time was flying, days were gone in seconds and we were more in love with each passing day. He would notice many things in me that I had never noticed before; he knew my behavior more than me. There was this day when I was with him at lunch like every other day, I was panicking on everything, he held my hand and asked, “Some guests coming over today?”

I was shocked and asked him, “How the hell you know, my parents don’t know you that well to call you and tell you about guests and stuff.”

He smiled his usual way and said, “They don’t need to call me, I know their daughter pretty well now, she won’t panic if she has to move to Italy in a day but she will panic if she has any small responsibility on her shoulders.”

With a warm touch on my face he said again, “She would kidnap a guy and take him wherever she wants but if she needs to arrange something at home, she will go crazy.”

I was laughing and surprised for how well he knew me and it was a fact. I would give and take surprises, would go beyond a certain point at times but as far as my daily life was concerned I was clumsy and an escapist. I would like to get away from situations where I had to plan something I didn’t wish to or if I had to make changes at home or make efforts to entertain guests, especially when they were not my friends. But that day he had said something seriously which haunts me even today, he had said,

“Don’t surprise me by leaving me one day, always remember I can accept you who you are but won’t be able to survive without you.”

I couldn’t say anything, knowing myself it was hard for me to plan future because basically I was carefree and planning future was the last thing on my chart. I wanted to live present, every minute of it without regrets of the past and without fear of the future.

In about next couple of days I received my passport with Canadian Permanent Resident Visa on it; it was an exciting moment for me, the day I was waiting for since past one year. It was my decision to move to Canada for good so I was happy and without a second thought I had started looking for tickets. I couldn’t sleep that night because I didn’t know how to inform him, he had no clue of my plans to leave the country and I was scared of his reaction. I knew that I would owe him a huge explanation and I’ll have to plan something for our future when he would get the news but as always I wasn’t ready for any commitment. I didn’t want to leave with sad memories; I was selfish and didn’t want any burden on me.

After thinking all night I had decided to inform him the next day but as I woke up next morning I received a text from him saying that he had to leave early morning because his father had a heart attack, it wasn’t serious but he wanted his son to be with him. He didn’t call me that morning because it was too early in the morning. So I had postponed my plan to inform him until he returns.

He called me after two days, it was for the first time in those six months that we didn’t talk to each other for two days and when he called he was sorry not to call me because he was busy taking care of his dad and supporting his mom. I didn’t want to inform him about my visa over the phone so I asked him when was he returning and he said he will stay at least for a week. I didn’t want to wait for a week to tell him because I had so much going on. Well, he was constantly in touch with me and after few days he told me that he will stay bit longer and he already told his parents about me and they want to meet me. That was the time when I panicked.  I wasn’t ready and I was thinking how he could even do that, he knew me so well, I had so many other important decisions to make. I still didn’t say a thing to him, I kept thinking and I had made a decision, a decision that was about to change our lives, everything about us.

I received a text from him saying that he was returning in two days and the time I received the text I was packing. I was ready to leave in 24 hours. I didn’t want to tell him because that would lead to so many questions and explanations and I was in no mindset to go through all that, I had a block on my mind. Moreover my parents would have asked me questions if I had delayed my trip because they knew I was excited to move. It was so many things together that I thought it to be in best in everybody’s interest if I go, without saying a word or may be a writer inside me wanted a sad end of this story.

To be honest I was selfish and self centred. I had not even thought once what he would go through, I thought I will call him once I reach Canada and will explain everything and that way he won’t have any other option than to understand. I took him for granted. Eventually I left with a simple note in his room saying that I’ll call him after 46 hours or so. This is how I wanted to leave and I had left.

Now as I was on the plane with my parents going back to India, I was thinking if I was still immature even at the age of 32 or do I suffer from some psychological problem. Eight years, what was I expecting now? My flight in India landed at New Delhi Airport at around 12:25 and with the luggage and stuff we were out by 2:00. Coming back was amazing, from the moment I landed, I felt at home. We were super tired but were excited to reach home. We reached home in the evening and my friends were waiting to welcome us. It was wonderful, I felt great and we had nice Indian food and slept really early. I woke up pretty early next morning and got ready to go to the park. My heart was beating faster with every step I took towards the park. I was hoping to see him but didn’t want to see him at the same time.

I entered the park but all I could hear was my heart beat louder than any other sound around me. I moved little further and I couldn’t believe my eyes, he was there, much leaner than I had known him and he had glasses on, he was wearing a dull grey color track pants and a same color upper and he was talking on his cell phone. As far as I remembered him he had never liked dull colors. I gathered all my courage and as I walked past him, I said, “Old habits die hard.”

His attention got diverted and he moved his phone away from his ear and immediately grabbed my hand and with a very shocking look on his face he asked, “Is that you?  Are you still alive?”

I couldn’t say a word; I was just looking at him and trying to think of a day or even a moment when he was not there on my mind in past eight years. Well all he said after that was welcome back and had left quietly just like a stranger. I could tell he didn’t want to see me or didn’t expect any answers from me but his one look in to my eyes and his touch suddenly made me realize that I wanted to explain it to him. I had realized that very moment that it wasn’t a story it was life and you can’t fool around people just to make a tragic ending.

I went to his office the same day. This time he wasn’t shocked to see me but he wasn’t excited either. He looked way mature than his age. I went in and he asked me to sit down. While I was sitting there, he was still busy doing some paper work, he was pretending not to pay attention but I could see inner him yelling at me and asking me one million questions. I got up from the chair after 15 minutes and told him to come with me for lunch.

Now he was mad, he said, “What the hell you think of yourself, you can leave people anytime you want, wherever you want and suddenly come back one day and tell them to behave normal.”

I could see the anger in his eyes, he continued, “It was my life too, we both were involved, you could have at least said something, I loved you, supported you and would have understood but you wanted to be Ms. Unpredictable so that you have a character to write about, so that you may prove it to people that you are different.  You screwed my life, changed everything about it, I am not the same person any more, I can’t trust people, can’t love them anymore and the moment I read that note in my room and got the news from your office of you leaving for good I had a heart attack, my first heart attack at the age of twenty five. What did I deserve to do that? I don’t want any answers from you. Do me only one favor, don’t ever show me your face again and please don’t ever try to contact me. It took me few years to be in peace with me so leave me alone, I am used to living without you now and I am happy. It’s better to live without somebody so careless and irresponsible then to live with them and get hurt.”

I was stunned; I had never expected that, specially a heart attack because of me. Probably I never took it so seriously not even until now. I had nothing to say in my favor, all I could possible do at that time was leave and that’s what I did.

Every part of that conversation made me realize how wrong I was. I didn’t want him to suffer but intentionally or unintentionally I had saved me from every situation and put him in emotional and physical stress. Since I had come all the way to India, I wanted to get my act together this time and do something to make him feel better but he didn’t want to see me. I tried to contact him but he was seriously a totally different person now, he won’t care this time.

Well I didn’t want to give up that easy so I made a plan with his friends and with their help set up a date for me and him. So he came to one of our common friend’s party and when he saw me he waved me this time. I knew he was waving towards me but I looked back just to pretend that I thought he waved at somebody else, my intention was to see a smile on his face and I had won at least a small part.

He came to me and said, “So you tricked me again, why can’t you stop doing things that you always want?”

I held his hand and said, “Is there any chance you can forgive me?”

He didn’t say much, he was quieter than the way he used to be eight years ago. I had also noticed that he was only eating salads and stuff while in the party so I figured that he was on a healthy diet since his heart attack. He noticed me looking at his salad plate and said, “See you didn’t only snatched you away from me but you also took my tastes away.”

My eyes were wet now and I had got my answer. After about five minutes he spoke again,

“I was wrong about you, I wanted to capture a free bird, I had started planning life for you and me without thinking that you had never made plans, plans had always panicked you, probably that’s why you had left.”

I could have told him at that time that I loved him and all eight years I have been thinking about him but I somehow couldn’t say a thing. I could have named that relationship right there but again my internal fears of commitment and planned life overpowered my mind and I remained quiet. We spent that evening together and at the end all I could say was, “I don’t deserve your love, I had never deserved it. I hope you get somebody who loves you the way I love you but give you a better life and never escape from any situations.”

I hugged him and said, “This time I am not escaping, I am leaving you for a better life for someone better, and I wish I could hold onto you but I have some strange fears or maybe I am too weird to handle a relationship. And especially I don’t want us to live together and turn this relationship into stagnant, stale and boring relationship after few initial beautiful years. I want this relationship to hold onto all the good memories, memories of six beautiful months when we had met and memories of this most special evening of my life.”

After exactly a week of that evening me and my parents came back to Canada. About couple of months later I checked when my mail and I had a white envelope with my name and address on top of it, I opened it and it was a something written on a usual school notebook page:

 

“Here it is, it’s still somewhere here and it is ….not exactly love but something like love….

We changed, moved apart…..but still the old times we spent together send a chill in my spine…..

We don’t talk don’t even think about us…..but still a thought of you lets me forget whatever else surrounds me……..

You moved on….live a different life….I am living happily mine  ….but somewhere it’s still without you….it gives me signs and tells me “I am incomplete”…

I ignore the thought and move on….make friends do everything but never have experienced that something like love, the way it was with you…….

The feeling is here, right within me….I cherish it…..keep it safe….don’t want ‘this something like love’ to go away from me…..I remember the words you said when you left …..That it’s ‘something like love but not exactly love’………and I know you will never get away and I’ll never let this feeling go……..

I still remember you!!!!!!!!!”

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