Implicit

The year 2007 was just like any other year.

The only thing different was that I was scared. I could not remember the last time I had been so scared. Sanity had lost meaning for me. To top it all, I was only seventeen years of age. The age when my adolescence should have been at its peak and confidence should have been overflowing like an unattended pitcher of beer under a fountain. Instead, all I had with me was my loathed inebriated self to help me through my period of pain and despair.

Love makes us do all sorts of strange things; so does alcohol. When we are young and naïve, alcohol seems to be the best substitute for love. I had the perfect excuse for my perpetual drunken stupor; I had realized that I had never deserved to be with my Lady Love, ever.

Nandini was a brilliant student, the apple of every teacher’s eyes, and the envy of all her friends. She had chosen my rose out of dozens on Valentine’s Day; which had ensured that I made a dozen sworn enemies that day. Not only was she pretty and intelligent, she had a heart of gold and a great sense of humour. It took me just one Valentine date to know that she was the one for me.

The days after that seemed so much cheerful and so much filled with joy that I would lose track of time when we were together. I would fall for her every time we met. When we talked, I used to tell about how I felt about her, and how time seemed to slip away so fast when we were together, she would playfully teach me about Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, and without knowing what she was talking about, I would simply smile and nod at her every word.

God! How I loved watching her talk! She would make tiny gestures with her long shapely fingers, her shapely mouth making the most delicate of movements while explaining to me the great mysteries of space and time. When she would realize that I was just watching her with affection and not really listening to her, she would kiss me on my lips. And space and time would lose all its meaning after that…..

Before I had realized, we were already into one and a half years of our relationship, although every moment with her always felt just like the first day of us together. The guys had given up trying to woo her, and I had given up looking at other girls altogether. My entire being revolved around Nandini. While she would be studying hard for the coming Class 12th Board Examinations, I made sure she would be comfortable in her hostel, getting her hot tea and biscuits or fetching notes for her from her friends.

I did not study much since I was pretty sure that clearing a simple examination could not be such a tough nut to crack; just getting minimal eligible marks for Entrance Examinations would be enough. Nandini had always wanted to be a doctor, saving lives of the masses. I just wanted to be with her, no matter what.

“If she wanted to be a doctor, so would I”, I promised myself.

Nandini would say, “Baby, if you want to be with me, you will have to study a lot more than you’re doing now.”

And I would happily reply, “Don’t worry, baby. Our love is so strong that it will give me the will to anything for us to be happily together, even move mountains!”

I did not know how far I was from the truth at that time.

Love and mushiness go hand in hand, often sucking precious time into them. By the time you realize your folly, you have already fallen, not in love or head-over-heels, but into an abyss from where there is no salvation.

The hard reality hit me when the results came out. Nandini had scored a whopping 93% and I managed a paltry 61%. I had just about made it to the minimum percentage required for Medical Entrance Examination, which was 60%. From afar, I watched her getting adulations and kisses on her forehead, while I sat sulking in a corner. I found it hard to digest the fact that we had nothing in common any more. She would get to be a doctor, and I may not. What hurt me more was that she was not bothered about this sudden turn of events at all. She just absorbed whatever adulation came her way with a dazzling smile. Although momentarily I would be mesmerized by her radiant pearly whites complimented by her perfect lips, deep down something pulled at my heart; a deep sorrow that one could only associate with impending loss.

Although I was sad, I did not let it show. Nandini seemed so happy with all the attention that I did not have the heart to spoil her moment. How could I bear to see a frown on her beautiful face when a smile did all the magic around her? Her happy radiant smile could make a thousand flash-bulbs seem like the pale moon on a bright sunny day, and I had every intention of keeping it that way. The muscles around my mouth were aching with the fake smile pasted on my face, all so that Nandini would not feel guilty. I did not want her to pity my state. I wanted her to enjoy the result of her hard-work, and savour every moment of her good fortune.

But inside, I was dying a slow, painful death.

The months rolled like monsoon storm clouds bringing gloom along with them to rain incessantly, month after month. With each passing month, we saw lesser and lesser of each other. Although it was me who wanted to see her happy, it was she who came up with the excuses; and they seemed genuine enough. After all, she had to study hard in order to pass the Entrance Exams. In contrast, my future looked bleak. I could hardly sit for more than five minutes without reminiscing about Nandini and the time we spent together.

Most of the time, I would be found staring blankly into space, or doodling on my textbook. Despair and depression had started to creep in. My parents had almost given up on me because I was supposedly the “black sheep” of the family, when I had refused to fill the forms for the Entrance Exams.

“Fair enough,” I thought, “serves me right for not keeping my priorities straight.”

Communication had come down to mono-syllables in my household. How would I tell my parents what I was going through? Moreover, would they understand?

On a rainy day almost four months later, Nandini called. My heart was racing and my hands were trembling as I picked my phone to answer it. Her voice was all I wanted to hear.

“Hello.”

My voice came out in a croak, choked with emotion and anticipation. A long awkward pause ensued, interrupted only by the pitter-patter of the rain outside. After what seemed like an eternity, she answered,

“How have you been?”

Her voice betrayed a slight hint of jubilation.

I thought, “Oh! She is still in love with me! Thank God! I thought I had lost her forever.” Aloud, I said, “I am fine, Nandini. Just not the same without you. How did the Entrance Exams go?”

Though I hated to admit it, secretly I hoped that she had not cleared the Entrance Examination, because that would mean that we could be together, at last. Instantly, I berated myself for thinking so selfishly.

“Rajesh, I cleared the Entrance. I got a seat.”

I was dismayed at this news, because it meant that she would never, ever be with me again. I put up a brave front and answered,

“Oh wow! That’s great news! You will get to be a doctor! Isn’t that what you wanted?”

I tried to veil the mock in my voice.

“I want to be with you, Rajesh!” she said.

I did not know what to say, because what she wanted was now in contradiction to the career choice that she had made. The rain outside was in full swing now, hitting hard against the window-panes. Since I took too long to respond, she must have sensed something was amiss, and asked,

“What about your Entrance results? How did you fare?”

I was at a loss for words.

Slowly, I told her, “Um, Nandini, I did not appear for the Entrance. I-I was too depressed with my Class 12th result. Plus, you had started to be so aloof, so away from me, that I had thought maybe you won’t love me anymore. That made me depressed all the more.”

“Wha-aat?!” was all Nandini could say, before she burst into a torrent of tears.

I cursed myself for making her cry. I could hardly decide what made the day the worst: the rains or her tears. When her sobs finally died, she replied,

“Rajesh, I never thought you would think of me like that. What in God’s good name made you think I would not love you?”

I fumbled for words. “You-you had so many good things coming your way, I had started thinking that-that maybe……”

“Maybe what, Rajesh?”

I could not bear myself to complete the sentence. Nandini kept asking, so at last I said,

“I thought that maybe you were out of my league, and I did not deserve you.”

I cursed myself again, knowing that Nandini would cry again. Instead, she exploded.

“You know what, Rajesh? You really don’t deserve me. You know, I thought that maybe we had a shot together in life. Rajesh, we fell in love, remember? We had made plans together for our future. But you blew it because of your own insecurity. How could you think I would leave you and look for greener pastures? You think I seemed “aloof”, huh? I will tell you why. I wanted to give both of us some time so that you would study and clear the Entrance. I thought we would be together after we get Medical seats. But no, you blew that too! How-how could you?”

“Nandini…” was all that escaped my lips before she burst out,

“Don’t ever take my name again! I am leaving in a few days to join the College. I don’t want to hear from you again!”. And then, the beep of a phone being disconnected.

Suddenly, the proverb “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” had started to make more sense to me. My sad ego and insecurity had taken from me the only reason for me to stay sane. The downward spiral had already begun a long time ago, but the epicentre was not far from reach now.

“To hit the bottle” was the understatement of the century for me, for I had taken to the bottle like a turtle takes to water. I could literally count the hours I stayed sober on my fingers, which I was pretty much sure, were not that many. I was a nervous wreck, shunned by my friends and relatives, and the laughing stock of my neighbours. Although my parents broke their heads over what went wrong over me, the communication gap between us remained.

And so, before I knew it, a year passed. Although, the loser in me had decided to stay back, I had decided to move on. Alone that I was, I thought it best to let go of my sorrows and turn over a new leaf, although I had absolutely no idea how I would do it. Apart from the occasional beer on a hot day, I had strictly abided by the “no alcohol anymore” rule that I had imposed upon myself. After all, I had taken enough punishment in the name of repentance, and therefore I allowed myself to rise from the ashes like a wounded phoenix.

I decided that, no matter what, I would gain my self-respect and the respect of my family. Surely I was the one who messed up, so why should my family suffer for no fault of theirs? Nandini now seemed like a beautiful distant memory, a memory that still brought a smile to my lips when I fondly thought about her, only to moisten my eyes with tears. I would quickly wipe away the tears, lest they should flood my self in self-pity. I could not afford to punish myself anymore; I just needed to get my act together. I did not want to be a bad memory for anyone. I wanted to be someone who could bring the faintest smile to others’ lips, starting with my parents’. Like Nandini did.

And then, I knew what I had to do.

“I will study to become a doctor. Not for anything else, but in honour of my lost love”, I promised myself.

Surely enough, the change in me was profound. No one would have guessed that I was the same person who would get into drunken brawls in local bars before being thrown out in the middle of the night, just a few months ago. My father encouraged this change. He was only too happy to help me out. The affection had returned to his eyes. He made me join a coaching institute which specialized in coaching students for Medical Entrance Examinations, and I voraciously read all the study materials that they provided. I topped all their tests too. Soon, I was one of their most promising candidates. The motivation fired up something in me that had long been lying dormant: dedication.

How I wished Nandini would see me now. The loser in me had left by then. Maybe she would want to get back together with me, now that I understood what a fool I had been. But then, I corrected myself. Who was I kidding? I had hurt her very deeply. She deserved a lot better than an insecure loser like me. I just hoped she would be happy in her life, wherever she was.

The Entrance Examinations arrived amid much anticipation. I was amazed at how much untapped potential I had in me. I zipped through all the three subjects like a hot knife cutting through butter. At the end of three hours, I was pretty much sure of a seat in MBBS. I had never been so confident in my life. When the results were announced, my mother could not stop kissing my forehead, and my father could not stop congratulating me. I had done something which had been seemingly impossible for me the previous year. Clearly, those sad days were behind me.

A perfect jolt from the blue hit me in the form of a phone number that had not flashed on my mobile screen in the past year. Nandini must have called to congratulate me on my newfound success. I thought twice before picking her call, but decided to talk to her anyway, just for old time’s sake.

“Hello?” I tried to hide the excitement in my voice.

“Rajesh, congratulations! You can’t believe how happy I am for you!” her chirpy voice made my already wonderful day a little better.

“Thank you, Nandini. I am happy to hear from you after such a long time,” I replied in a stoic, robotic tone.

“Aren’t you happy to get my call? I thought you would be happy. Oh God! I am so happy to know that we can be together now! Just imagine, we will be doctors together! That’s what we have always wanted, haven’t we? Please promise you will take admission in my College. That way, we don’t have to be away from each other, ever!”

I lost my cool, then and there. All the emotions that had been pent up inside, erupted like an old volcano.

“You know, Nandini, I think I had been wrong about you the whole time. I thought your vivacious nature was just a part of your wholesome personality, but in reality, it indicates your true shallow self. Have you ever bothered to know what I have been through since the day you left? I have been to hell and back, for God’s sake! I had become a faded shadow of myself because you gave up on me when I needed you the most. In spite of all that, when you come to know that I have supposedly risen to your standards, you want us to get back together? Oh Nandini, even if I take admission in the same College as yours, I don’t want to date a senior and live in her shadow! Oh my my! Some audacity you have, girl!”

Strangely, I had never felt so calm in my life. The ranting gave me such comfort, it felt like heavenly bliss. Nandini’s sobs sounded as if they would never stop. I had half a mind to disconnect the call, and toss the phone as far away as possible. Just then, the ear-receiver crackled with her voice.

In between sobs, she said, “Rajesh, I-I am so sorry! I had no idea, really! But you also did not bother to check on me, did you? Life has not been hunky-dory with me, either.”

Something was definitely wrong. Cautiously, I asked her, “What do you mean, Nandini?”

The explanation that she gave was one that I would never, ever forget.

“Oh Rajesh! I have been waiting for you to join here. A friend of mine had told me that you were studying very hard to compete in the Entrance. Since I knew about your nature, I have been deliberately failing in the MBBS 1st year University exams, so that when you join here with me, we could start afresh, together…………..”

Her sobs ended when my phone slipped from my hands, and hit the floor, shattering. With it, my soul shattered into a million pieces.

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